Hey James

Sorry to have missed this revised draft. This one is much better. You fixed Amy's reaction towards Nick's suicide plot. But I think the mother still needs fixing. Perhaps if you want, why not let her continue sleeping and have Nick enter and simply gaze over at her melancholy. If you keep her awake, the mother will need to react more about Nick's condition.

I'm not sure if I got the ending correct but I got the feeling that he is going to jump off into a river. If so, how is anyone going to read the note?  I think it's better on a cliff since its more dryland. Or perhaps having Nick call in the suicide before he actually commits it himself? Just suggestions.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Thanks for the reads, guys.

Still getting a couple comments about Amy. She reacts the way she does because Nick's been talking about suicide for a very long time. This isn't shown, of course, but implied by the nature of the conversation. At least, it should be. I also got a lot of comments in the first draft that Amy shouldn't let Nick go so easily so in this one, I have her calling the paramedics. She doesn't plead with Nick because she knows it's futile. She plays along and then calls the paramedics since that's her best bet to stop Nick.

Also, this is a script about how someone's decision to commit suicide effects the people around him, not about why he's committing suicide. There's always going to be someone out there who thinks there's no good reason to commit suicide so I didn't give one. I think it works loads better this way and I'm not going to change that.

Gabe...

I never thought about Nick's note (it's a list of numbers, not a suicide note BTW) getting read after he jumps into the river. Perhaps I'll have him put it in a plastic baggie before he leaves the house. I think that'd work. Thanks for the tip.

James-
I'm just going to be blunt about this, I didn't like it.  It felt to me like it tried to hard to be dark and sad, and it was dark and it was sad, but thats it.  Theres no real story, it's just a dark sadness.  We have no reason at all to feel for any of the characters other than the fact that they are human, we don't really see any if Nick's life, any of Amy's, any of nick's mom, we just see this night where Nick decides to die, and it's like-- okay, so what now?

It also somehow seemed pretentious to me.  Like it was supposed to be artsy and dark and wonderful in that way, and all Nick's talk about oblivion was supposed to be just so deep, so dark, so wise, when really it just kind of seemed like he was a drama queen.  I guess it felt to me like it was trying to be donnie Drako, kind of, but without really knowing the characters.

Honestly, personally, I'd probably just drop the whole thing.  You're beyond this.

Sorry for being kind of harsh, but I hope I helped.

-Tyler

Thanks for the read, Tyler. I think the review's fair enough. Not everyone is going to like this script. I definitely wasn't trying to be pretentious though and the concept for oblivion wasn't supposed to be as overblown as you make it sound. Anyway, I appreciate you checking this out even if you didn't like it. I'll get on Substitute Angels sometime this weekend, probably tomorrow.

James,

I looked through other responses after reading this because I was curious what others thought of the outcome.  I think this is a beautifully written piece, but it was terribly depressing.  While reading, I knew what was coming, but, like Shelton, there was still that part of me that thought maybe there'd be a twist.  When it didn't come, I felt the power that the story gave off, but I also felt sad.  

You didn't go into why Nick is suicidal, but rather mapped his journey into the next world and processes that he's taking, which I thought was a good way to go.  I know a lot of people said stuff like they wanted to know why he's suicidal, what's going on, etc., but I don't think that was the point of the story, which is a nice change.

Dialogue was spectacular.  Descriptions were vivid.  I guess my only gripe is that it was horribly saddening.  I don't think that's a fault of the script, though.

Nice work!

Thanks for the read, Greg. I'm glad you thought it was good. Yeah, it's definitely a downer but usually when I think of drama, the first couple films that pop up in my head are depressing. I'd like to think I did something right with this one. I sought out to write a full blown drama and I think I succeeded, even if it's not exactly a feel good script.