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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Deal Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Deal  (currently 3000 views)
theMADhatter
Posted: April 21st, 2008, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Bee - I guess I assumed that vast amounts of cash is motivation for most people to do nasty things - even rich folk. But you make a good point, I'll throw in "past due" bills towards the beginning and other temptations, like a discussion between him and Bob about how their jobs suck, and Alan would pose the question, like in Office Space, what would you do with a million dollars?

mikep - I like that input a lot, thanks.

McPhearson - Thanks for the input. I will work on the dialog to make it flow easier. Alan didn't accept the job as easily - he denied it. He eventually changes his mind to see if he could actually do it. The double dash instead of punctuation I assumed was bad writing style, so I kept away from it. I imagined him and Bob going back and being friends for a while, so he's more comfortable telling Bob. Unfortunately, I seemed to have failed to convey that. I'll work on it. Bill's wife and kid are in the house, Bill's wife is right next to him. I may change the entire murder scene - Alan's plan seems lazily put together. I've already mentioned I need to work on the ending. I'll post an update once I have it.

Thanks everyone for input.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 21st, 2008, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from theMADhatter

The double dash instead of punctuation I assumed was bad writing style, so I kept away from it. I imagined him and Bob going back and being friends for a while, so he's more comfortable telling Bob. Unfortunately, I seemed to have failed to convey that. I'll work on it. Bill's wife and kid are in the house, Bill's wife is right next to him. I may change the entire murder scene - Alan's plan seems lazily put together. I've already mentioned I need to work on the ending. I'll post an update once I have it.

Thanks everyone for input.


Actually, from everything I've read, the double dash (or even a single dash) is preferred when showing an interruption. Strongly consider it, or at least "...". A single period just doesn't seem to cut it.

And yes, I think you should rework the murder scene. Bill's wife would have woken up. If her husband is stabbed in the throat and struggling, I doubt she'll sleep through it.

But yeah, keep up the good work. I can't wait to see the rewrite.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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Colkurtz8
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Kevin

I thought "Onus" showed some good potential so I said I'd give this a read & since you have taken the effort to look at mine.

I liked the opening exchange between Alan and the stranger, these type of clandestine scenarios are thrown up one in every three scripts but yours had a nice fluency to it, it read and flowed well.

Despite some grammatical errors here and there (phrasing mostly, that we're all susceptible to) the conversation didn't drag, which is a great sign for four pages of interaction between just two people.

Watch out for the action paragraphs, 3 to 4 lines max. Scene numbers are not required for spec scripts.

Always capitilize a charcacters name when we first encounter them, giving the age is recommended too, helps the reader visualize them.

I think it was a bit stupid on Alan's part to ask such an ominous question as "If you had the chance to kill someone, without consequences, would you do it?" to a colleague, I'd be keeping my mouth shut.

ALAN
Yea, I guess so. I've got no plans or
any. -- should be "anything"

Although I liked it so far regardless of the plot being a tad ridiculous I felt by page 11 it went seriously down hill once Alan made designs on killing his boss. It just seems like a total brain dead plan. Also since he has just given his co-worker the heads up on it.

Why not a complete stranger like the MAN had suggested? That makes a lot more sense.

Because of this unfortunate shift in plot, the subsequent montage comes off as a little corny with him trying different methods of exacting his kill. I see what you were trying to do but in the context of the story, it only accentuates the absurdity of the events unfolding. Surfing the web for hunting knives in particular was plain dumb, surely there are better ways to procure something like that, for example a non traceable way, you know. Buying stuff like that off the net is only gonna come back to haunt you.

And after finishing the story I see thats exactly whats happened. I'm sorry, dude, your writing is good but they story simply doesn't work. There are holes and implausibilities all over the place. I mean, Alan really shot himself in BOTH feet, not to mention his hands, heart, head and every other limb/organ you can think of.

It's similar to "Onus" in that you have potential as a writer, in particular a conversationalist, the dialogue is feels natural and real, is just a pity your characters always seem to go the complete wrong way about things.

Plan out your stories more carefully and thoughtfully and you'll be on to something good.

Best of luck

Col.


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theMADhatter
Posted: March 30th, 2009, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Col,

Thanks for the read. Appreciated - I'll be reading another on of yours soon

Grammatical errors, action paragraphs, scene numbers, all noobish mistakes. Reading through scripts on here has given me pointers.

This story was a particularly difficult one for me, because I had a beginning and end, but really no way of getting from A to B. I'm really no good at creating an outline beforehand. Not for nothing. Any tips?

I've always had a problem with the montage, and never really knew how to change it or what to replace it with. I understand he made LOTS of mistakes, and when he's convinced there's some sorcery behind everything and figured he'll be OK doing whatever he pleases, including looking online, telling whomever.

I'm not sure if I'd resurrect this script, but I'll look into it.



Why is a Raven like a writing desk?
onus - Three men, three guns, no escape. (WIP)
the Deal - What would you do for a million dollars?
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James R
Posted: July 21st, 2009, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Kevin. Another "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" story. My first suspicion in such a story is always that he will have to kill someone to get the cash. No surprises there.

The first line is poorly written.

"ALAN is walking down the street" is not as good as

"ALAN walks down the street" which is not as good as

"ALAN hurries/scuffles/saunters down the street" (you can leave off the "towards his office" part because you can't really show this on screen, it's implied through the briefcase in his hand that he's going to the office). I am guilty of the same shortcoming (it has been pointed out) and am in the process of trying to make my scripts more appealing to the reader. To open a script like this is a bad first impression (especially with no title page).

When a character is cut off you should end their dialogue with ellipses to show on the page that they are being cut off.

I find it a little hard to believe that a man who is running late for work would stop to talk with a stranger just because he offered him a million smackeroos. Wouldn't most people just keep walking to avoid losing their job? Once they get to talking the dialogue really picks up and gets interesting, it just feels like there needs to be more of a reason for Alan to listen to the MIB.

I think you need to show Alan's wide-eyed expression when he looks in his briefcase the first time. It is the moment he starts to believe the MIB, it's big.

Avoid "-ing" verbs. I even caught some past tense "-ed" verbs, big no-no. Everything happens in the present tense in a screenplay.

I loved Bob, great character. Great dialogue between Alan and him.

Very good ending, you got me with the twist and then finished it up right. Well done.

James


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