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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Love - A Civil War Moderators: bert
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  Author    Love - A Civil War  (currently 1452 views)
Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2008, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Love - A Civil War by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short - Love conquers all? 4 pages - pdf, format


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alffy
Posted: April 4th, 2008, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Just to get the ball rolling again Ste.  You know my thoughts so this is for anyone who hasn't read this and is thinking of doing so.

Very funny concept and a very enjoyable read.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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nick_horror
Posted: April 6th, 2008, 2:28am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed it.  I've always liked the deus ex machina thing with humans anyway.  There was a funny sort of animatronic thing at Disney World years ago that was set up a little like this, though it dealt with a pubescent boy and his whole body...I digress.

The only thing that confused me was why Bernard was so upset with what was going on.  I would think that Leonard's body would want what's best for him...

Very funny and very original.  Thank you.




My short fiction can be seen at:
http://www.angelfire.com/scary/nicksliteraryvault
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stebrown
Posted: April 6th, 2008, 9:27am Report to Moderator
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Cheers Alffy/Nick

Bernard is not in charge of Leonard's whole body, just his brain. He thinks love is illogical and therefore thinks it's a glitch in the system. The changing colours represents the Heart taking over the brain.

Pleased you enjoyed it mate


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nick_horror
Posted: April 6th, 2008, 2:16pm Report to Moderator
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Okay.  That makes a lot more sense.  But perhaps a sinlge line of dialogue where Bernard comments on "those pompus baffoon in the heart" would benifit this story, just to give some sense of a conflict between the two organs.




My short fiction can be seen at:
http://www.angelfire.com/scary/nicksliteraryvault
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stebrown
Posted: April 6th, 2008, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah I see what you're saying nick. I'll have a think about it. cheers


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Grandma Bear
Posted: April 14th, 2008, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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I had a couple of minutes to read so I picked your script.

Since everyone else seems to think it's perfect you're probably not going to like my comments...

I wish you had described Tim a bit more than just Tim.

Previous readers seem to think this was really funny. I didn't, but what do I know? I'm old and jaded. Somehow the whole premise reminded me of a funny Woody Allen movie. Can't remember the title though.

One big problem for me was that I didn't get Bernard's motive. Reading your response to the comments sort of explains it, but you need to show it to us in the script. Visually. I understand the reason for the colors turning red, but why would Bernard be so against it? That's the story there, the conflict, but you skip over that part.

This is a very short script, you don't develop your characters enough for me to care about them. I didn't care if Leonard manages to sputter "I love you" or not. Didn't care enough about the woman either or Bernard.

I thought the writing itself was good. You just need to touch up the story some...



.
SS, is still free...
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stebrown
Posted: April 15th, 2008, 2:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read

I don't mind criticism, you normally learn more from someone who doesn't like a script you've written rather than someone who does.

Before the 'wipeout' I'd commented about the Woody Allen film - can't remember what it was called either but I think he played a sperm? ha. Just remembered it after I had finished this one.

I understand your comments about the characters not being developed but I really wanted to keep this very short. In a way it's just a brief glimpse into someones brain - kind of like the reader is one of the oblivious people in the park.

Cheers for your comments

Ste


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