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I really enjoyed it. I've always liked the deus ex machina thing with humans anyway. There was a funny sort of animatronic thing at Disney World years ago that was set up a little like this, though it dealt with a pubescent boy and his whole body...I digress.
The only thing that confused me was why Bernard was so upset with what was going on. I would think that Leonard's body would want what's best for him...
Bernard is not in charge of Leonard's whole body, just his brain. He thinks love is illogical and therefore thinks it's a glitch in the system. The changing colours represents the Heart taking over the brain.
Okay. That makes a lot more sense. But perhaps a sinlge line of dialogue where Bernard comments on "those pompus baffoon in the heart" would benifit this story, just to give some sense of a conflict between the two organs.
I had a couple of minutes to read so I picked your script.
Since everyone else seems to think it's perfect you're probably not going to like my comments...
I wish you had described Tim a bit more than just Tim.
Previous readers seem to think this was really funny. I didn't, but what do I know? I'm old and jaded. Somehow the whole premise reminded me of a funny Woody Allen movie. Can't remember the title though.
One big problem for me was that I didn't get Bernard's motive. Reading your response to the comments sort of explains it, but you need to show it to us in the script. Visually. I understand the reason for the colors turning red, but why would Bernard be so against it? That's the story there, the conflict, but you skip over that part.
This is a very short script, you don't develop your characters enough for me to care about them. I didn't care if Leonard manages to sputter "I love you" or not. Didn't care enough about the woman either or Bernard.
I thought the writing itself was good. You just need to touch up the story some...
I don't mind criticism, you normally learn more from someone who doesn't like a script you've written rather than someone who does.
Before the 'wipeout' I'd commented about the Woody Allen film - can't remember what it was called either but I think he played a sperm? ha. Just remembered it after I had finished this one.
I understand your comments about the characters not being developed but I really wanted to keep this very short. In a way it's just a brief glimpse into someones brain - kind of like the reader is one of the oblivious people in the park.