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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  070705 Moderators: bert
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  Author    070705  (currently 8958 views)
Posted: July 8th, 2009, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

--> Over There
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This does carry some weight. A powerful, no frills little piece, just pure, honest storytelling. Besides the tragedy and loss of life experienced that day I recall it coming right after Live 8, thus completely nullifying any impact that was gonna have on the G8 summit as these events (rightfully) took up all the media. Great fodder for conspiracy theorists, that whole chain of events...but thats another story for another 20 million forums across the net.

For what you were attempting here, I felt you hit the nail on the head. However, because its truthfully based on real events where a lot of the time we don't see the satifactory "payoff", well defined antags and protags, beginning, middle and end structure etc etc etc people are going to find it heavy handed, uneven and difficult to endear to.

What you chronicled here, was a horrible, dispicable event (no matter who was responsible) and in fairness to you, you didn't shirk from it. You told a short, simple story of one casualty with no silver lining as thats how it was for people on that day. There was nothing positive from it, only grief and sorrow for those caught up in it.

Well done, a much needed slice of gritty, uncomprimising, albeit short, piece of realism.


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Posted: July 9th, 2009, 10:05am Report to Moderator

Newcastle, England
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Thanks everyone for checking this out.

This is a pretty old script and I thought it had ran its course. Good to see most people still see potential in it.

During this period I was writing pretty much every idea that came into my head. That led to a lot of scripts being written but they weren't very well developed. I think now that I've been writing a while I'm more patient and can sit on my ideas for a while to get more out of them. Also I was trying a lot of different genres and techniques, which was the main reason for this script. A script that for the majority of the time, is told through a mobile phone. That is the central theme of the script and was something I wanted to try after seeing the scene in 'Death Proof' which I thought was one of the first love scenes told through a mobile phone text 'conversation'.

Obviously, basing the script around the events of 7th July 2005 adds a bit more relevance to the script. I got the idea while riding the bus and listening to a particular song on my i-pod, that just led me to think about the events that day and that I could have been someone riding the bus that day or anyone could.

Anyway, thanks for checking it out.


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Posted: July 11th, 2009, 10:09am Report to Moderator

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Hey stephen,

I have to agree with the others here, I think you have a good story idea but you need to flesh it out a little more. It was predictable how it was going to end as well.

But seen as thats been said I won't go into it.

As for the texts heres just a thought, maybe it would work better as voice overs? Instead of going back and forth into the inserts. Just a thought.

I do hope you work on this one, could be come a very good story.

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Posted: July 11th, 2009, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

New York, USA
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This script taps into the utter devastation felt during the atrocity. It is for this reason that this script carries some weight. Does the narrative encompass all the themes - I assume - you are after? Not entirely. However, it does create a window by which we can view the grief and loss that accompanies these type of attacks.

Life should never be taken with such a pinch of salt, and the love story articulates what actually makes the world go around. The scope of your script was too large for your page count, and it requires a substantial lengthening for a true exploration of 'humans as collateral'.


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Posted: October 10th, 2018, 9:55pm Report to Moderator

The wild west
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The piece is very well written.

I would spend less time on the text messages, and more time on the Muslim man.  

I wouldn't call him a Muslim, I would just give him the features of a terrorist.

Blowing up the buss came as a surprise to me, especially when this is listed under rom coms.  I honestly thought that he was nervous because he wanted to hit on her.    

The script didn't really land with me.  That's my input.  
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