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It was easy as could be to produce and it was amusing. I would not be surprised if it get picked up quick. Is this another test?
Phil,
You are a naughty boy. I didn't watch the video you posted and I don't have a problem with you posting it but you should really put a disclaimer on there if it has nudity, sex, or god knows what else. There are underage people who frequent this site.
Thanks for reading, but no, this actually wasn't a test, although I could see why you'd think so..haha. This was written by request, but I'm not sure what's up with it so I just decided to post it here.
This was a nice, simple, entertaining read. Its refreshing to see an experienced writer like you mention the dreaded "we" & "camera", screw with the conventions a little bit is what I say.
KENNETH Oh, I’m sorry. Did I jock block you while you were trying to get your curve on?
SEAN First off, it’s swerve, and second, it’s not jock blocking it’s...never mind that one, but yes. Yes you did.
Funny exchange.
The father tossing him a beer in a lame attempt to get on is level was a nice touch.
SEAN Remember, there are things that just can’t be unseen.
Another good line.
Wasn't too fond of the "You're a legend" line. It seemed a little to complimentary...if thats makes sense (Saying that to someone where I'm from in that flat a manner would come off as being sarcastic, its too gushy.
Iv'e seen a version of that video too, interesting to say the least.
This might have met the requirements, but it is not your strongest work, Mike.
Those that do not get the joke will find little here that is funny, and those that do get the joke -- well, they have already seen things that are funnier, if that makes sense.
I am not really sure what is missing here -- though I am pretty sure it is not a guy with a jar up his butt -- but you surely have not milked this for all its worth.
Whatever approach you take, I encourage you to lose this stretch of dialogue:
"What are they doing!?!?!? They’re eating it! And now they’re puking! And they’re eating that too!"
In 1,000+ "reaction" videos, have you ever heard anybody say that? Ever? It is just too on the nose.
Which gets me to thinking -- maybe you should pore over some of these reaction videos -- and look for what might just be your missing link here.
Thanks for looking. Glad you liked some of the exchanges.
The "You're a legend" line may just be a cultural thing. Here, it wouldn't be seen as out line or sarcastic.
Bert,
Trust me, I'm well aware that this isn't my strongest work. Despite statements to the contrary, the subject matter just doesnt' allow it. At its essence, it's too generic.
I do agree that the stretch of dialogue is a little on the nose, but since it's spoken O.S., I wanted to go a little further with it than you usual "Ugh! Oh! Oh My God! That's disgusting!". Also, if I can keep one person who hasn't seen the video from watching it via the use of expository dialogue, I'm guaranteed a spot in Heaven.
This was pretty funny. I've read some of your stuff before when I used to visit this site more frequently. I think I even reviewed one of your feature-length scripts about kids pretending to be superheroes, or something of that nature. My username used to be marshallamps12. Well, either way, I always remembered you as a good writer, and I see nothing has changed. Very to the point and easy to read. Good stuff.
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