I didn't really care for this script, for one major reason.  Everything felt extremely contrived.  The situation as well as the dialogue.  The characters didn't feel natural to me at all, and everything was sort of a haze.  It's suggested that the put themselves into their situation, but I couldn't understand how or why they would possibly do that.  I also had no idea what the deal was with the bullets, or why Beretta was able to remember things.

I couldn't really relate to any of these characters, mostly because I don't feel like their personalities were actually coming across.  They didn't really stand out in any sort of unique way.

Thanks for the read, escapist. I'll see what I can't do about making the characters more relatable and try to make it a little more clear about their situation.

-kjb.

Hey Kevin,

just read this one. I liked the idea. Quite a bit even, but I think you need to work on the writing itself some. You tell this story in a very confusing way. I had a hard time following it.

I understand and even liked their names in the beginning, but it confuses things way too much later on for the reader. Also, if this was a film, they would never mention those names so an audience would have no idea of the "cool" names you gave them. I would suggest changing the names for the sake of the readers.

I had a hard time keeping the characters apart when reading as well. Except for Colt who acted different occasionally, but most of the time they spoke alike and acted "irrational" alike. I would suggest making them more different. Maybe even make them look different. In your introduction (which is very clunky) you basically just tell us what they are wearing, but no physical traits.

This story left me with lots of questions unanswered. I see most of them have already been addressed by others. It's worth it for you to take time and answer them. Not here in this thread of course, but in the script itself.

I cringed when I read one of the characters tossing a fully loaded gun to one of the others. Don't know how gun savvy you are, but no one who's familiar with guns, even if just a little, tosses a loaded gun to anyone.

All in all, I liked the idea of this. Sure it was very SAW'ish, but that didn't bother me. You just need to clean up your telling of this so it's easier to follow and make your characters stand out on their own a little more.

Pia  

Thanks for the read, Pia.

I've printed out my latest version (not yet posted, erk!) and I'm going through it with my red marker. I'll see where I can cut out some fat and input some more development and distinguishing of character. You're right - the characters do seem very similar and I need to fix that.

I've already changed some of it based on some earlier comments. I'll dive deeper this time, and I won't post here again until I've gone through and re-wrote... Hopefully no one else will come in and tell me to change the entire storyline because it's aweful

-kjb.

I’m a little late to the reviews here.  

I liked the “infinite do loop” quality of the ending.

I wouldn’t rename the characters. I do suggest the characters’ designations be introduced to the audience since that was a cool element in your story.  In my notes I referred to this as “Call me Glock.”

The tension leading up to the end could be kicked up. It’s set in a small room so the goal would be to fill the room with energy as opposed to the quiet when the men first woke up. A primal scream from all the men as they draw down on each other might work. Over the top I know but I hope you see the point.

Finally, I liked the way you added other possibilities to the story by telling us there were 2 bullets left in one of the guns. Nice touch.

So I printed out the script, got out ol' red and decided I'd make some edits. Going through, I decided it would be easier to start again, from scratch. Same story, some of the same dialog and plot points but took into consideration a lot that was said. I'd like to thank everyone for their input and ask if you'd give it another read and let me know what you think of the re-write. Thanks Don, for getting this up

I must say this is MUCH better than your first draft. Much cleaner, easier to understand, better in so many ways.

I'm pleased you changed the names of the characters. I know a lot of people won't be happy with this as I must admit, it was a cool idea having your characters named after the guns they were holding. The point is, if this was to be filmed, we wont know the names of the characters anyway. They don't even know their names. Writing a short, it is your priority to make things clear for the reader and changing the names has certainly done that. I don't think I was the only one who pointed out it got confusing at times because of the names in the last draft so major points for correcting that.

I did notice that you never had your characters names in capitals when you first introduced them. This is a must as people will pull you up for it but easily fixed.

Also, sometimes your writing isn't very present. On the first page there were a few instances where you used things like "is sitting" and "is wearing" instead of "sits" or "wears".  It makes things much easier to read. It makes the script more active if you put "Mr. Red sits in the corner" instead of "Mr. Red is sitting in the corner", if you know what I mean.

Dialogue was okay. One line didn't come across well on page six when Mr. Red says, "Something we probably should've done hours ago". It sounded funny from somebody who can't remember 10 minutes ago. I thought he was under the impression he just woke up in the room for the first time and can't remember the previous times (cause the gas causes memory loss, right?).

You have worked on the story loads since the last draft. You have answered more questions, which is great. Things are easier to understand, you have also shaved a few pages, which also works in your favour.

However, I still have issues with the story. I don't buy why they are in this situation. Sure, they contributed to a girls death but why this? Did they all agree for this to happen? If not, who's idea was it? They all say they deserve to die and try to kill themselves but why have the gas stop them each time? I do like the idea of this happening for ever and ever but is it realistic? Was it really that bad that they decided to put themselves in this position?  

I loved the movie "The Unknown" and think this is very similar in a good way. I think it would work so much better having one person behind it all (maybe the brother). Make us guess who's behind it the whole time then reveal in the end. Having one person behind the whole scheme would make it much more believable but that's just my opinion.

I hope this helps.

Brian