Nice screenplay this definitely reminded me of Point Blank in a way. And smokin' aces at fight scene times.

I think you should expand the scene where Carter is in the hospital since he was caught at the scene of the crime he would be more heavily guarded. That could make a nice fight scene on pg 5 Carter escaping from the hospital. What if Carter flatlines and when the cop goes to get help that's when he escapes.

Also when you type INTERCUT there's no need to put parentheticals (into phone) it should be INTERCUT - CARL/MARIGOLD

There could be more detail in between the three goons for example FAT GOON BRAWNY GOON SHORT GOON this way we can tell them apart.\

It's a good ending but it's nice to see characters change throughout the story; it seems like Carter is back to square 1 in the hospital with guards surrounding him. Maybe Carter could get pardoned for revealing the two crooked cops... just a suggestion

Hey, thanks for the read.
Yea I'm kinda torn on that hospital scene, I was trying to keep that whole bit quick, all within what would be used as the credit sequence.
I fixed the Intercut in the new draft so itll read a little easier, wasnt sure how that was done before.
Thanks for your time, and Ill be thinking about your other suggestions.

"Point Blank" -

One idea that has been floated about this film is that everything we see is in fact happening in Lee Marvin's mind as he lies dying on Alcatraz island - which explains some surreal moments in the film (and plot holes!). There has even been a suggestion that Walker is a ghost!

As "Point Blank" came to mind for more than one reader of your script, it may be an idea to make your story more realistic, to distance it from the other - Carter dies in the opening, but his injuries are never referred to again, and at the end he is still alive after multiple gunshots! Perhaps have his first wound be less serious? Or have him definitely die at the end and drop the hospital scene?

Or - having him slowly dying of his first wound, thus giving him (and the story) added impetus as he seeks his revenge?

One thing that has struck me on a quick re-read, if I didn't mention it before, is that you split our attention between too many characters. Carter is the nominal "hero", shot at the start, and with his VOs - but Carl and the two cops play a major part too. It might be an idea to either pick one and stick to it, or to tell the story in separate strands (as in Pulp Fiction) - so we see one story play out, then we see events again from another angle, explaining things that we saw in earlier versions of the story.

Hey thanks everyone for previous comments, this is a new and expanded version up, utilizing your suggestions.  Any comments would be appreciated and I'd be happy to return reads.

[Oh and to the mods, its now 59 pages, so it probably belongs in the Action Genre, instead of shorts.  Thanks for your time]

   Definately like the expansion, nicely done.  I think of the three story lines the cops were on the weak side, they dont seem to be doing too much real detective work.  Though I do like them following the feds.  
   I think the characters are probably something to work on, they all a tough badasses that don't talk much, which is cool, but maybe makes them a little dull and indistinguishable at times.
   The violence is great, definately a bit more believable than the original, but still fun and stylized.  and viscious, like the blood/brains in the safe.  nice.
   I would think the next step would be seperating the three storylines and making sure each works as its own story, now that the overall story arc is pretty complete.
   Great job so far though, its definately coming along.

some descriptions are showing not telling.
for example on pg 1, I would rewrite as:  Graffiti covers the
buildings on either side, many look
abandoned.

pg 2: "honking"?

pg 3: unnecessary text here "As the barrel burns behind him"

pg 5: skinner needs to be CAPS

pg 11: He raises "an" eyebrow.

pg 13: "Skinner ducks past the shooting at the door, grabs Tripp pulling him towards the rear of the house, away from Stutz dying at the front door."  is a run on sentence.

pg 15: "The older one answers "his" cell phone"

pg 19: "if you�re "too" slow to understand.

pg 24: "Cops walk up, Agent Stephens on a stretcher, pale as Medics wrap a bullet wound in his arm."  i think you need to reword this.

pg 32: "How much would they pay for "that" those files?"

pg35 what's the purpose of the super for Carter? we've already met him.

pg 39: "Walks out towards the exit." incomplete.

pg 43:" It slow"ly" rolls through them"

the action picks up there and i didn't really proofread anymore.

coupla things.   I don't think we ever found out who shot up the feds.  Was it tripp and skinner because it wasn't carter right?    Also why does Tripp kill Marigold, shouldn't he try to bring him in?  

I would have to agree with an above post that stated that the detectives were the weakest part of the story.  I think my biggest problem with them was that I didn't really feel like the story advanced anywhere while watching them (outside of finding what's in the case).  I just felt like I was watching them go from place to place, not really getting a whole lot accomplished; outside of spouting out combative dialogue and acting corrupt.

I think what your piece really needs, and this might help push it to a full feature, is a centralized character.  Someone mentioned Smokin' Aces, which features a similar style, but I hated that movie because I didn't connect with anyone in it. Not only were most of them horrible people, but I didn't stay with anyone long enough to get to know them.  If you look at a movie like Snatch., the many stories being told all interweave with Jason Statham's character.  I'm not sure any of the characters you have right now are likable enough to make your main guy, so you might want to think about creating one.  But you're only at 60 pages, so you've got plenty of room.  I mean, you have a couple that could pass as likable, but no one I would say "yeah, he's the one I really connected to."

Another thing that struck me that you might want to do is create better introductions for your characters (excluding Carter, that one was fine).  For example, when you introduce the detectives, show them doing something corrupt and then put up that they're on the side of the law.  As you have it right now, it seems out of order.

Other than that, solid work, especially with formatting and dialogue.  No real complaints there.

Thanks to both of you for the read, very helpful comments.
Yea, the editing stuff, no matter how many times I read it there's always more.
As for the cops, it was Carter that shot them up, as we find out in the last segment.  But that was the last scene I finished, and I agree it needs work.  It was one of the scenes where I needed certain things to happen for the plot to work, and may have forced it a bit.
Dressel: Yea I agree with the cops being a bit weak and derivative.  The main point is to learn whats in the case, leading up to the reveal about Tripp, but I can see that that isnt quite enough to drive their story.
Also youre definately right about a central character, I hadn't really thought of adding a new character since there're several, but if I could find one that would interact throughout all three storylines it could work.  interesting idea.
The introductions were another little last minute addition, trying to make it a little more stylized and pretend to have a back story, but I agree they could use some work.
Not quite sure what you mean about the cops intro though, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what their intro was.  Unless you mean show them doing something bad, then later pull out their badges? As opposed to badges first, then something bad.  Or I guess just doing something wrong, then back to the "jewelry" heist where they're cops?

In any case, excellent suggestions, I'ma put this on the back burner for a week or two then come to it fresh using your notes.  Thanks and let me know if you have anything I can return the favor on.

Jack,

Sorry this took me so long to get to.  I've had a lot of other things going on.

Honestly, I felt a bit frustrated while reading through this.  I think the main reason is that this is a big story condensed into 60 pages when I really don't think it needs to be.  With all of the characters, subplots, and various storytelling methods going on, I could easily see this as 100 pages without breaking a sweat.  I think an expansion would help rectify some of my issues:

*The interconnecting stories.  This is never an easy task and I commend you for constructing a story around it.  That said, at times it seemed like things were going way too fast or things weren't explained clearly enough.  Maybe it's because I'm burned out, I dunno, but I didn't quite get everything that was going on.  Let me see if I got it right and please correct whatever I missed -

This case has files in it that details undercover cops?  Did I get that right or did I totally miss the mark?  Jensen and Gates are corrupt cops(show a little more of that), Marigold is a rich mob guy who wants it, and Carter in all of this is like a rogue thief dude.

*Characters.  I would have liked to see more development with guys like Marigold, Tripp, and the corrupt cops.  Again, such an epic story in 60 pages is kind of hard to touch on all of this.  Why is this 60 pages, by the way?  Is that just the way it turned out or was there another reason?  Just curious.

Throughout all of this there's good writing in here and the dialogue was fine. Action sequences were finely plotted out and every so often there was some very funny comic relief.  For me, though, I would like to see more development all around because as it is, it didn't exactly do it for me.  You've got a nice backdrop for a huge story here, so I would say expand on it.

Good effort overall.  I would like to read more from you in the future.

Greg

Hey, thanks very much for taking a look, sorry to disappoint.  It's currently 60 pages purely for the reason that I haven't gotten around to expanding it fully.  I generally write from the plot out, meaning I start with the bare bones ideas and then flesh out the story from there, so obviously there's a ways to go.

And yea, I probably was a little ambitious with the interconnecting stories.

In any case, thanks for your time, I'll try to expand it and slow it down a bit.

So I struggled reading this,  which doesn't mean that it is bad it just wasn't my taste. I do think this has an audience and if this landed on Guy Ritchie's lap he'd probably jizz in his drawers.

You are very good writer, the dialog and the descriptions were really top-notch. I think my main problem with this is that it never takes time to breathe. I never could feel an attachment or even an attraction to any of the characters. I think every single one could just be identified as "bad ass" which I don't think is enough. I also got lost a lot with so many characters I had to re-read quite a bit, but maybe my comprehension is just not up to par.

This is going to be expanded which I think it needs to be because right now its just fighting then some bad ass lingo over and over again without any character development. I say use those pages to add some character and clean up the intertwining so it isn't so confusing.

Good Luck

-Tanner

Hey I just finished reading directoboys script so I am going to start on this one next. Should get a review up soon

-K

Technically flawless in script structure.  An all guy macho fest with lots of gun play.  I love those.  A bit of a slow burner for my tastes.  And I think Tripp should have died and somehow Carter gets away with the money.  That would have been a more satisfying payoff. A point blank shoot out in which both come out alive makes me feel cheated.  

The case held the identities of undercover cops that it didnt seem we were supposed to care for and all of them were basically corrupt.  So why the crime doesnt pay morality ending? Carter should have a larger role because he is your most relatable character.

You know, its written so well that anything I say would be nit picking.  Its a solid story.  Definitely something to add to a portfolio.