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Don
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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24/7 by Sean Chipman ( Mr. Blonde) - Short, Romantic Comedy/Crime Drama - What started as a simple robbery became something else entirely. 47 pages - pdf, format


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 28th, 2009, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Don.

This is my new attempt at something lighter. Also, it's part of a trilogy, so a little may not make sense in and of itself. I'm working on the other two parts, currently.

-Sean


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Lightfoot
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Overall I think you've done a good job with the script.

The action flowed well with no errors that I have picked up, the dialogue seems spot on with a few good moments in it. I liked how light hearted and strange David was, but couldn't help but feel the whole relationship between him and Michelle to seem kind of forced in a couple of places, but that's probably just me.

The whole point of David willingly going to jail escaped me, what was the point? Was it to change the life of Michelle?

When he was put in the driver's seat of the car he wanted I had a feeling that there was something more to David than was shown, perhaps use a flashback or something to show us exactly why he is so happy sitting in the car?

I enjoyed the moments where David was on the phone with Riegert, specially his line "No, I hung up on you."

Liked this one a lot, good work.


Andrew,
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 29th, 2009, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Lightfoot
Overall I think you've done a good job with the script.

The action flowed well with no errors that I have picked up, the dialogue seems spot on with a few good moments in it. I liked how light hearted and strange David was, but couldn't help but feel the whole relationship between him and Michelle to seem kind of forced in a couple of places, but that's probably just me.

The whole point of David willingly going to jail escaped me, what was the point? Was it to change the life of Michelle?

When he was put in the driver's seat of the car he wanted I had a feeling that there was something more to David than was shown, perhaps use a flashback or something to show us exactly why he is so happy sitting in the car?

I enjoyed the moments where David was on the phone with Riegert, specially his line "No, I hung up on you."

Liked this one a lot, good work.


Andrew,


Thank you for the read, Andrew.

I know. I couldn't nail it down between him and Michelle. Have to work on that later.

Going to jail, I can't answer for you, yet. I'm working on the second story for the trilogy. Should explain that for you, but no, it wasn't to change Michelle's life.

Car is also explained in story 2, like how he knew exactly where it was, how far away, etc.

It's weird. That was one of my personal favorite lines, too. Lol.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: November 26th, 2009, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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Mr. Blonde...

Yes, I noticed you have over 200 post.  Your a regular, I'd figure you'd get more reads and reviews then you have.  I can't figure that one out.  You'd think to get more reads then a newbie.

But that's just me.

Maybe this one needs to be in the series section.  The story is interesting, but still alot of unanswered questions with this little piece.  For the most part the writing was good.

Page#5  shoots sounds beter.
Page#9  leans in forward and kisses david.  I'd get rid of the in.

A few good classic lines of dialogue.  Your two main characters seem like a match made in heaven.

If you got more episodes coming, I'm interested in seeing what you plan on doing with this... but don't leave us hanging.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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Brian M
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I noticed on another thread that you were looking for more reads on this. I just happened to be looking for something light to read to pass some time between writing. You are a regular on these forums and it’s a mystery to me why you have so little reads. Maybe the length is a problem for some, but you could fix that.

I did enjoy this more than I thought I would, which surprised me as it is essentially 46 pages of people talking in the same place but you somehow kept my attention throughout. There is some snappy conversations, especially on the phone with the police outside. I really liked the part when he hung up on the guy twice after he asked what is name was again. Even at 46 pages, I read this in under an hour which is good going as I can be a very slow reader. Saying that, I do think you can make some cuts here and there to get this between the 30-40 range and not lose anything important.

I do have lots of questions about the story but I know you wanted it that way as you see this as a series or trilogy of scripts. There are several problems if this is the case as you need to end the first script with a bang to make people come back to read the next. In my opinion, you didn’t quite do that. The reader is left with loads of questions like -- What’s the deal with the car? Why Michelle? Why does he hand himself in? How is he so rich? And most of all, What is the point in the story if he goes through all that just to surrender? I think you are right to leave some questions open to answer in the next installment but not every question. You have to give us some answers to keep us interested in what happens to these characters next. Right now, it’s complicated to say the least and all the good work you put into setting up all the aspects of the story all go to waste with the ending, in my opinion. It does leave a WTF feeling, but not in a good way like I think you were aiming for. I think if you can answer some of the questions we are left with and still leave enough to keep us guessing until the next part, you will have the balance right. My guess was he was doing all this to change Michelle’s dull life because she’s better than her job but reading your comments, I guess I was wrong! Not the first time!

Characters were interesting enough, dialogue helped out greatly with that. I do think that Michelle and David’s relationship come along too quickly. He’s robbing the store but by page 10 she is saying she thinks she loves him. This should be kept until much later when he is about to surrender to be realistic. We don’t learn much about them, but I think I’ve covered much of that above.

Formatting was fine for the most part. Some things stuck out, like the use of (Beat) on nearly every page. It gets quite distracting the more it’s used and should probably only be used in the odd occasion when really needed. I think you’ll be shocked yourself when you read over it again and notice how often you use it. A few examples of passive verbs etc. Page 1 - “is tapping his fingers on the steering wheel” could be just “taps his fingers”. Makes everything read better but that’s just my opinion.  

Again, it does sound like I hated this but that’s not the case. You do have a good thing going here which could be an trilogy of scripts but I do think you need to get the balance of leaving questions and leaving too many questions right. When you do, I’ll be sure to come back and read the later installments. Good job!

Brian
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriters
Mr. Blonde...

Yes, I noticed you have over 200 post.  Your a regular, I'd figure you'd get more reads and reviews then you have.  I can't figure that one out.  You'd think to get more reads then a newbie.

But that's just me.


Yeah, I figured that it wouldn't get many reads, being the length it was, but that's ok. I guess I'd rather have few reviews where people enjoy it than lots of reviews of people hating it. =)


Quoted from _ghostwriters
Maybe this one needs to be in the series section.  The story is interesting, but still alot of unanswered questions with this little piece.  For the most part the writing was good.

Page#5  shoots sounds beter.
Page#9  leans in forward and kisses david.  I'd get rid of the in.


Yeah, the unanswered questions. I was working on the rest of the trilogy until the 7WC came up. Then, that consumed my time. Maybe I'll get back to this, now that my schedule is re-opened. Lol. And, I will make the fixes on those lines.


Quoted from _ghostwriters
A few good classic lines of dialogue.  Your two main characters seem like a match made in heaven.

If you got more episodes coming, I'm interested in seeing what you plan on doing with this... but don't leave us hanging.

Good Luck,

Ghostwriter


Thank you for the read, Ghost. They're a match, but in the rest of the trilogy, you don't see the two of them together again, so for when I do finish, keep that in mind so you're not like, "Hey! Where are they and who the hell are these people?!" Lol.

-Sean


Quoted from Brian M
I noticed on another thread that you were looking for more reads on this. I just happened to be looking for something light to read to pass some time between writing. You are a regular on these forums and it’s a mystery to me why you have so little reads. Maybe the length is a problem for some, but you could fix that....


Yeah, this story was put up just before a rush of other cool shorts, so I guess it got lost. That's ok, though. =)


Quoted from Brian M
I did enjoy this more than I thought I would, which surprised me as it is essentially 46 pages of people talking in the same place but you somehow kept my attention throughout.


Yeah, very simple. For some reason, while I was writing, three movies came to mind. Clerks, Airheads and The Chase. So, I just kind of rolled with it. Lol.


Quoted from Brian M
There is some snappy conversations, especially on the phone with the police outside. I really liked the part when he hung up on the guy twice after he asked what is name was again. Even at 46 pages, I read this in under an hour which is good going as I can be a very slow reader.


Thank you. I do my best with dialogue. Sometimes it hits, sometimes it doesn't. I do hope it felt like like less than an hour, though. =)

I have noticed that so far, you guys on here and a few people I've shown it to personally like the stuff between Riegert and David. Really surprised by that.



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Mr. Blonde  -  November 27th, 2009, 2:27pm
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 27th, 2009, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Brian M
I do have lots of questions about the story but I know you wanted it that way as you see this as a series or trilogy of scripts. There are several problems if this is the case as you need to end the first script with a bang to make people come back to read the next.


Yeah, lots of questions. Maybe I'll have Don take this one down, then when I finish two and three, I'll re-upload them all together.


Quoted from Brian M
In my opinion, you didn’t quite do that. The reader is left with loads of questions like -- What’s the deal with the car? Why Michelle? Why does he hand himself in? How is he so rich? And most of all, What is the point in the story if he goes through all that just to surrender?


When you put it that way, there are a lot of fundamental problems. I guess if I didn't know the rest of the story, that would bother me, too.


Quoted from Brian M
I think you are right to leave some questions open to answer in the next installment but not every question. You have to give us some answers to keep us interested in what happens to these characters next.


Part 2 will do that, I promise I just hope you'll care to read it by then.


Quoted from Brian M
Right now, it’s complicated to say the least and all the good work you put into setting up all the aspects of the story all go to waste with the ending, in my opinion. It does leave a WTF feeling, but not in a good way like I think you were aiming for.


The only real way to describe it is Pulp Fiction. Things are pre-established, answers were given, but unknown so far. I'm going to fix that. =)


Quoted from Brian M
My guess was he was doing all this to change Michelle’s dull life because she’s better than her job but reading your comments, I guess I was wrong! Not the first time!


That you're guessing is a decent sign. It means you're willing to read the other versions.


Quoted from Brian M
Characters were interesting enough, dialogue helped out greatly with that. I do think that Michelle and David’s relationship come along too quickly. He’s robbing the store but by page 10 she is saying she thinks she loves him.


Way too quick. I may have to write a fourth story for Michelle, because she won't be explained to your satisfaction with the other two stories I have in mind. Sorry. =(


Quoted from Brian M
Formatting was fine for the most part. Some things stuck out, like the use of (Beat) on nearly every page. It gets quite distracting the more it’s used and should probably only be used in the odd occasion when really needed.


Yeah, it's one of those bad things I've been hooked on in writing. Just can't shake it. I'll try and fix it though. =)


Quoted from Brian M
I think you’ll be shocked yourself when you read over it again and notice how often you use it. A few examples of passive verbs etc. Page 1 - “is tapping his fingers on the steering wheel” could be just “taps his fingers”. Makes everything read better but that’s just my opinion.


Yeah, same with the passive verbiage. I hate it, but am getting a bit better with that. =)


Quoted from Brian M
Again, it does sound like I hated this but that’s not the case. You do have a good thing going here which could be an trilogy of scripts but I do think you need to get the balance of leaving questions and leaving too many questions right. When you do, I’ll be sure to come back and read the later installments. Good job!

Brian


Thank you for the read, Brian. I really appreciate it, and your words were very encouraging. =)

-Sean


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alffy
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean

I was interested straight away and David robbing the store with a water gun was pretty funny.  I’m not sure about Michelle’s reaction though, obviously she’s scared but once she finds out it ‘s a fake gun she comments that David’s cute...a woman would usually be angry and hold a grudge a lot longer than 2 minutes lol.

Think you’ve got a typo on page 9 ‘He looks back and her with sad eyes’.  Think it should be ‘He looks back at her with sad eyes’?

Michelle says ‘so you don’t care about me at all’?  David replies that he does, I haven’t they just met?  I haven’t got a real feel for this script yet so not sure if this fits or not so I’ll hold judgement.  What I will say though is, the dialogue, on the whole, is great and fluid.

David doesn’t know where the alarm is, then after the kiss, he walks straight round the counter and presses it.  This just sounds a bit weird, if he knew it was there why didn’t he push it earlier?

Michelle says she’s never asked anyone out for ten years but she just asked David out?

David’s first telephone conversation with Riegert is hilarious!  In fact the whole conversation is great, and I love the ‘you ask a question then I ask one’.

Again I notice a little inconsistency, Michelle wants a sub but she said early she’d just eaten and it was David who was hungry wasn’t it?  Also, wouldn’t a convenience store have plenty of food on the shelves?

‘Michelle slowly nods her head up and down’, think you could lose the ‘up and down’ bit.

There’s some nice touches here, the notes in the bottles is clever.

David has a moment where he sees his own imagination with Michelle.  I’m not sure if you should have a slug or something?  This is a puzzler, I’m not saying the way you have it is wrong...I honestly don’t know lol.

I think the head butt is a bit harsh lol.  Surely a bang on the back of her head or something....really funny though.

The problem I had with this is mainly that things move too quickly at the start.  I figured you knew that with just David and Michelle in the store, a long ‘getting to know you’ would be boring but I think the two connect too fast.  Also when I got to the 30 page mark, I still had no idea why David was ‘robbing’ the store and I don’t think I missed any clues.  The two characters were interesting and kept me entertained so for that, good work.  

Do I gather David is not all what he seems.  I’m guessing and could well be totally wrong but I think David might be a fantasist or something.  Whether he’s a millionaire or not, he acts like a child throughout the story, quoting movie lines, playing with toy guns and is slightly childish in his actions with Michelle and dreams of driving the Boss 302.  Maybe I’m reading too deeply into this and it won’t become clear until the further episodes have been read?

I’m not sure what this was all about but it was entertaining and I enjoyed it, despite what you might think from my comments.  I hope you are working on the next episode and that it sheds some more light onto the events of this episode.


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ajr
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Mr. Blonde,

A good job.  I agree that the dialogue between David and Riegert is fun. Much like McClane and the detective from "Die Hard" except it's the bad guy with the great lines.

You also kept me guessing with the guns, and that's a good thing.  I thought for a time that it might turn tragic with someone mistakenly using a real pistol instead of a water gun.

I of course have the same questions as the others so I won't go into that here.  What I would have preferred to have seen is infatuation between Michelle and David, not talk of love.  I don't think there's enough time.  You can build some sexual tension here - David didn't think he'd be so struck by Michelle's vulnerability, and Michelle didn't think she'd be so phyiscally attracted to him.  Then they can both struggle at hiding their hearts.

A more of a "Sam and Diane" thing rather than a "Clarence and Alabama" one, perhaps?

AJR


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read, Alffy. =)

Ok, here we go:

Yep. David and Michelle doesn't work! I know! Lol. I don't have time for a re-write at the moment, but that's first on my list when I re-do this. I promise.

Yes, that is a typo.

Yeah, it's rushed. It'll go along with her prequel story, but as its own thing, it is rushed. Thank you, on the dialogue, though. If there's one thing I wanted right, it's that.

David does know where the alarm is. Not sure what line you're referring to, but he's just waiting until a later time for it to be pressed.

She didn't really ask him out. It's like an infatuation thing and she knows that if he goes through with this, he'll be going bye-bye for a while. More of the bad interaction I made between them. Gotta fix that.

It's interesting, although, I may have mentioned this before. Typically, people seem to like the David/Riegert stuff and not the David/Michelle stuff. Is there any particulars for why, or just general opinion?

The sub. I know. It's actually part of a deleted sequence I had where she explains to him that she lied, and was pretty much being stubborn. In a later deleted sequence, she explains it and feels guilty for lying in general.

Yeah. My action lines need some more touch-ups. Will fix. =)

Message in a bottle = last minute addition. Glad it worked for you.

Yeah, he's just imagining what would happen and he's trying to stop himself from thinking about it.

Oh, the beginning. Don't worry. I agree, myself, that the beginning is the weakest, where it should be the strongest. Yeah, you didn't miss any clues. It's not revealed in this story why he does it. I'm glad they were interesting, though. I'd hate to have a beginning that goes too fast AND boring characters.

"Do I gather David is not all what he seems." You could say that, Alffy. You're not 100% sure if he's a millionaire in the story, but someone who carries $800+ in his wallet is certainly more well-off than usual. As for the rest, the only one that will be explained, really, is the car.

Hey, the more negative comments, the better. Just give me something to improve on, and you gave me plenty. I've got 2 in the pipeline and 3 & 4 formulating. I am really glad you enjoyed it.

-Sean


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: November 28th, 2009, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the read, AJR.

Once again, people who like David vs. Riegert. Lol. The more I see people enjoying their stuff, the more I want to add more to it. Trouble with that is that too much of something like that might ruin it. So, maybe not. I'm glad you like it, though.

I had an idea for something tragic, but I thought it would've felt too out of place. It was the original ending. They both went out together. David with the fake gun, Michelle with the real one and had a double suicide by cop. Didn't feel right.

Yeah, the infatuation is hard to explain. David liked her, but was trying to be all business. Michelle was awestruck by someone in her life doing something unusual and wanted into it.

Ironic, as the story went along, I pictured Clarence and Alabama. That's why I made the ending a happy one, as well. (And, yes, this was a happy ending, if you've seen anything else I've posted on here. Lol.)

Thank you again, for the read. I really appreciate it. =)

-Sean


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ajr
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Cool. True Romance is in my top 5 all time, and I think the one thing that didn't work so well was that Tarantino rushed them along; then again, they had the movie, the diner afterwards, and the nookie...

If you read an early version of TR (forget where I found it - here or another site) the movie starts with Clarence and Alabama already together, at his pop's place, and their meeting and falling in love is told in flashback.  HATED IT!  It was so much better the way they filmed it...

In any event, you certainly had to be more ambitious because your clock is faster.  Keep at it, I'd like to see more!


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alffy
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Sean, I think you've got the impression I didn't like this which is wrong.  I actually enjoyed this and didn't think David and Michelle's relationship was awful.  They connected well but it just moving a little too quickly.  Hope this clears things up mate.


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Mr. Blonde
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Quoted from alffy
Sean, I think you've got the impression I didn't like this which is wrong.  I actually enjoyed this and didn't think David and Michelle's relationship was awful.  They connected well but it just moving a little too quickly.  Hope this clears things up mate.


No, I understand that. But, even I'll admit that I thought it was awful but I just couldn't get it right. Lol.

-Sean


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