This is a very good, straight up horror story, with absolutely no gore because all the terror is through sound.  Another great thing about this story is that it can also work as a radio teleplay and it won't lose a single element to the story, and it's been a long time since I've read (or heard) a story that can do that.  Saying that, this might be a good idea to pitch to your local university's radio station.  I'm sure they're always trying to find ways to fill up the air waves.

There might not have been any characterization or hints of a backstory, but a truly classic horror story doesn't call for either of those things.  A good horror story only needs a fast-pace (which this story certainly has) and a great ending with a twist that catches people off-guard (which this story certainly did).  At least for me.

The only issue I really have with the story that doesn't make sense to me is who the guy screaming and banging on the window trying to get in is.  That question was never answered.  Using common sense, (which I certainly don't have all the time), I'm assuming he was someone trying to warn the mother that her daughter was the monster.  But, in that case, how did a stranger come to find out about the situation?  I guess that part just lost me a little bit.

Like I said, this story worked great as a horror and kept me churning the pages and I was very pleasantly pleased with the outcome.  Definately a great job.

-  Mark

Mark,

Thanks for reading this. This would be a cool radio teleplay, though, my school doesn't have a radio station (even though it should, since one of the degrees is in Audio--it's an art school), but then again, I can't imagine a lot of people listening to the school's radio if it had one.

I'm really glad you enjoyed all of this though. So far it's been one of my strongest scripts, so it's really nice to hear all these good reviews about it. And about your issue that you had, what you suspected is correct. About how he found out about the situation, I guess we can just sort of assume that he probably heard screaming or something coming from the house and decided to check it out, only to encounter the creature while doing so (this is what I was going for as a backstory for him, but it's hard to put that through when he doesn't even talk).

This script has actually been picked up and should start getting filmed later this year. I'll keep things updated when I hear more about the project.

Thanks again, Mark!

Sean

Hi Sean,

This was an awesome read this morning. So intense throughout.

It seems like it will be easy to make, too.

There were a couple things that I think could use a little work or explanation though.
Those are the guy at the door, and why the little girl is like she is. How she got that way.

Otherwise, it was great. Very nice writing. Smooth. Good read for Halloween.

Cindy

Cindy! How in the world did I miss your review? I have not checked out this thread in a long time, it looks like.

Thanks for reading, though. For your questions, there's no definite answer, it's up to the audience to figure out how the girl gets that way, and why the guy is there. Now, I have my own explanations, but that's just me knowing more than the audience and what my intentions are, but everyone can view it differently. I'm glad you liked it though!

To everyone else, I'm about to submit a new draft, shorter and quicker. This is the final draft for the finished cut of the film, but unfortunately, due to a problem concerning the actor who played Tim, the production may be put on hiatus for the time being, or might even be scrapped for good. I have asked the director what his intentions for the film is, but at the moment it's not really looking good.

The new draft should be up soon-ish.

Sean

Hi Sean,

I'm glad you gave this one a bump. I was very impressed.

My opinion pretty much goes along with what everyone else has said -- tense, suspenseful, gripping. A real page-turner, easily the best script, feature or otherwise, that I've read from you. I'll also echo those who said it's a tad bit overlong, with some small instances of dialogue that don't quite work (sniper mentioned the line "Jesus Christ, that guy out there was obviously shot, but what the hell happened to these people?" -- I see you've upgraded it slightly, but it's still a line that doesn't leave the best taste in your mouth).

Despite these minor gripes, this was a solid read. Congrats on getting it picked up, and please keep us updated.

Chris

Chris,

Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it. It's shorten down to 15 pages and I've literally tried to strip down as much as I could. I'm not sure where the production is headed at the moment, but if anything happens, I will definitely keep things updated. Thanks again for the comments!

Sean

Hey everyone, just wanted to inform you guys that a new draft is up! I just looked at it, and I have now just realized that I forgot to change the slugline for the 9-1-1 call center from "9-9-9" (the UK 9-1-1 number) to "9-1-1". This script was in production at the time of the revision, and it was being directed by a guy who lived over in England, so we had to change a couple of things in order for it to fit over in that country, so please don't mind that mistake. Other than that, I hope you guys enjoy it!

Thanks Don for getting this updated!

Sean

Congrats Sean.

pg. 1 I would let the Woman continue speaking. Don't let her get cut off by Tim.
pg. 2 Mary mentions "breaking in again" he's broken in before? Also I don't think she should be screaming that she can't shoot the intruder. It'll let the intruder know.
pg. 5 Mary says "I’m in her room, there aren’t many places for her to hide here...Susan?! Susan, where are you?!". I think could be changed to "I'm in her room, Susan?! Susan, where are you?!"

Also, i think it would add more suspense if Tim tells Mary the amount of time it will take the officers to arrive. IT simulate a countdown.

Hope this helps
Gabe

Sean,

Congrats on going into production with this script!
You should be proud.
This is well done and your format skills don't trip me up.
It felt a bit repetitive around page 12, but the lull didn't last long.
I didn't quite get the guy at the door.
I'm sure filming it will clarify any action description vagaries.
Typically, an emergency operator can give a victim an ETA for assistance.
Some kind of race against time would help enhance your story.

Good luck with the production and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Gabe and E.D.,

Thanks for reading the new draft. I like your idea of a countdown to add more suspense, though I'm not sure how that would go about. Tim could say that the cops would be there in maybe 7 minutes, that's cool. But throughout the story, I can't imagine a dispatcher saying something like, "Just keep going, the cops should be there in about five minutes...three minutes...they should be just up the road..." I like it because it really stretches out time and makes things last forever, but I just wouldn't know how Tim would know how much longer the cops would be.

As for the man at the door, the way I have it is that he's there when Mary calls the cops. She says he's covered in blood, so she assumes that he's the man who killed her family, thus giving her the motivation to be afraid of and kill him. Notice later that when she's in Susan's room, she says something along the lines of: "I don't think that man killed my family, he couldn't have!" But, if you're wondering why he's covered in blood and banging on the door in the first place, it's not really explained in the script, but his background story was that he was attacked by the creature before it went over to Susan's house, so he was going over there to warn her and her family. I'm not sure how I can really make it clear in the script, unless I have the man scream something like, "Get out!" or "There's a creature around here!" Something like that.

Thanks for reading, you two, and I'm really glad you both enjoyed it!

Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean Gabe and E.D., Thanks for reading the new draft. I like your idea of a countdown to add more suspense, though I'm not sure how that would go about. Tim could say that the cops would be there in maybe 7 minutes, that's cool. But throughout the story, I can't imagine a dispatcher saying something like, "Just keep going, the cops should be there in about five minutes...three minutes...they should be just up the road..." I like it because it really stretches out time and makes things last forever, but I just wouldn't know how Tim would know how much longer the cops would be.

Sean,

I think you can stretch credibility just fine with an initial ETA from Tim.
Your female protag can track the time from there with a clock or watch perhaps?
I'd buy it for a dollar if you put something like that in the script.
So, what's the latest production news?

Regards,
E.D.

cool story, quick read, leaves me thinking.  liked it a lot, good job Sean

Looks like Dispatch has been filmed.  Check out the trailer.

Sean... congrats.  The trailer looks really, really good.  I read the script, hopefully we can see the english version too.

Ghostie

Wow!  That's a great looking trailer!  Don't know if I ever read this or not.  Congrats, man!!!