SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 8th, 2021, 6:37am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Brace yourself for the May Challenge to be announced Monday, May 10th!


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Dispatch - Filmed Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Dispatch - Filmed  (currently 9092 views)
Don
Posted: March 13th, 2010, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14583
Posts Per Day
1.97
Dispatch by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite OR zombiesean) - Short, Horror, Thriller - A 9-1-1 operator gets a call from a woman claiming someone broke into her home and killed her family. But they both realize that they're dealing with something far more dangerous. 16 pages - pdf, format





Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 4th, 2011, 5:02pm
Logged
Site Private Message
kev
Posted: March 13th, 2010, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Ontario
Posts
373
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hey Sean,
I really liked this script, pretty intense stuff. You talked to me earlier about how you were going to write this one and I think it's a really cool concept, builds the suspense factor up in the whole "what you don't see is scarier" type thing. I think this would make an interesting feature, yeah it'd be hard to stretch but with the background of the operator it could be pretty neat! That or I think this would be such an awesome opening to an alien movie, it'd be kind of a long opening in a "scream" type of way but it builds up the suspense and could really work, that's just my opinion anyways. Overall though, I have no complaints, nothing I'd change really the formatting, descriptions and dialogue all seem good at times Tim's dialogue felt a bit repetitive but I mean it's generally close to what he would be saying anyways, can't really change that. But good work, I liked it!


Bad Influence (Horror Comedy) NEW
Bridesmen (Romantic Comedy)
IMDB
Instagram
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 69
Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 13th, 2010, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1952
Posts Per Day
0.36
I found it interesting as well. I think I have some idea of what happened.

SPOILER !

Is she some creature that transforms like a werewolf?

Anyway, it's debatable to trim some dialogue or leave as it is. I think leave it since it gives character. This could easily be done with a small budget. I'm working on a short in the same realm. Hopefully have it posted soon.

I liked the descriptions but would have liked to seen action as well. It kind of reminds me of my own short Obscure in regards to the action that takes place but not seen. Can't wait to see any other thing you're working on.

Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 69
Craiger6
Posted: March 13th, 2010, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Staten Island, New York
Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Sean,

I thought this started out really great, but kind of sputtered a bit in the middle and end.  On the positive, this seems like it would be easy to film, but on the other hand, I think you really need to switch between the operator and the house in order to make it work effectively.  There is too much expositions otherwise, and the dialouge gets a little weighed down.  Anyway, like I said, you started great and I think you have somethings here, but I think it needs a little re-think.  Anyway, good luck.  A few comments below.

Craig


TIM
Ma’am, it’s for self-defense; you
do realize that if the person who
committed this crime has a weapon,
or looks like he will attack, you
will have to shoot in order to
defend yourself.

How bout cutting this down, to just "For self defense Maam."  Or something along that line.

"The other end clicks and clatters (O.S.)." - p.4 think you can do without this, or the previous line where Mary say's she need to put the phone down.  One or the other, or else it gets redundant.

MARY (V.O.)
No! I don’t! - p4 just "No!"

Lessen up on the bolded and underline throughout.


MARY (V.O.)
(Whispered)
No, no, there’s no safe way out of
the second story...Damn it, I knew
Erik and I should have put that
fire escape outside Susan’s
window...! - too much exsposition I think.  I have the same issue.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 14th, 2010, 11:16am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Don, thank you for getting this up on here!



Kevin,

Yes, I did tell you about this concept and how I wanted to write it, but I couldn't figure out how to start it out. But I found a way, and I'm glad you liked the finish product. I'm glad we're both on the same page of "what you can't see is scarier" idea. And it would be interesting to see how I could stretch this into a feature, but as of right now, I can't see it happening. But I'll save that idea for a rainy day...

Thanks for reading


Gabe,

Yeah, that's the idea I was going for. Kind of like a shape-shifter, I'm not really sure into what yet. My idea overall was it to be some kind of alien or demon, but since you can't see it, it's hard to say what it really is. But alien or demon was my main idea. Yeah, Kevin and I were talking about how easily it could be made, so maybe that could be a future project for me. It'd be simple and very quick to do. With the action debate, I could have added some, but really, Tim can't get up and leave while he's on the phone with this distraught lady. And then I wanted it to have an ending that I tried not to be so ambiguous about, but I wanted it to end it there (also because i couldn't really find a way for him to do something...). Thanks for reading! I'm curious about your upcoming script and Obscure. Is that one on the site?

Craiger,

My main objective was not to switch from the operator to the house and back. I wanted it to be in the POV of the 9-1-1 operator. I always found intense 9-1-1 calls from people who are being "attacked" by someone and they're calling in about it before it happens...I always find those scary because just hearing the fear in their voices freaks me out. So I wanted to do it with this one, and since there's more to the story than just a family who was killed, I feel as though it adds to the suspense factor when you can't see what's going on with the woman's character. You're sort of stuck in Tim's position and going through what a real 9-1-1 operator probably goes through.

Sorry about the expositions. They could actually work pretty well, in my opinion, because when people are scared or something traumatic happens like what this woman is going through, they will—how should I put this—"over say" what they're getting out. It's just too much going on that you don't really know how much your saying, that even some of the irrelevant and unneeded stuff slips out. Especially with the last line you posted, about the fire escape ladder. It's just that kind of useless information that someone would tell when they're in a panic. Or this is all based on my opinion. I know I'd have a lot of exposition going on if I were in this situation.

But thanks for reading, and your comments. They're greatly appreciated.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 69
Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 14th, 2010, 11:30am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1952
Posts Per Day
0.36
Hey Sean,

Obscure is on the site but I think its a crappy draft that's posted up. I did four drafts. lol. If you want I can send the 2nd draft which most people liked especially because of the story that I tried to convey. You can see the action as opposed to yours where you don't but I think the suspense is the same.

I'm working on something similar to this in that its low budget so I'm choosing my scenes carefully so that I can possibly make it.

SPOILERS!

Back to your story, I really thought it was going to be zombie. lol. I was saying to myself "it's a zombie , its a zombie" but then when I read the descriptions it was something completely different. That was a good twist.

Gabe
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 14th, 2010, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Yeah go ahead and send it to me, I'd like to give it a read.

Ha ha, yeah, someone else asked if it was a zombie, too, but I said, "No, i'm done with zombies...for now." This time I was going for something different, something scarier, I suppose I like how you called that a twist. Ha ha ha that's awesome.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 69
Cam17
Posted: March 15th, 2010, 12:43am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.03
I admit, I assumed it was a zombie.  Can't imagine why .

I wrote a script kind of similar to this a while back called Caller Unknown.  It all took place at the dispatch center.  You do a good job of building the tension and setting the scene.  I did wonder about the advice the dispatcher gave about getting the shotgun.  It seems like he would tell her to get out of the house as quickly as possible.

But, I think the one problem with this is the length.  Twenty pages is just too long for a story that takes place completely offscreen.  I think my Caller Unknown script was something like eight or ten pages, and even then I felt I may have been pushing it.  The thing is, a lot of the action gets very repetitive.  A lot of heavy footsteps, screaming and munching, the dispatcher crying, etc.  The tension you created begins to wane very rapidly. I think you could cut this script in half while keeping all the scares and tension.  Just eliminate the repetitive action and dialogue.  

It'd be nice to throw a twist in at the end there.  Instead of just more people being attacked over the phone, maybe come up with something even more frightening.  What if the zombie/creature problem isn't localized to that one house?  Like, the dispatcher looks up to see a co-worker enter the room and he doesn't look "quite right."  Just a thought.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 69
jackx
Posted: March 15th, 2010, 2:46am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
247
Posts Per Day
0.06
911 operators arent likely to be in the actual police station.  They work seperately, since they are just as likely to be needing fire or medical.
When did tim notify the officers?  he just picked up the phone.  Aren't we watching him, so we should see him get on a radio channel and speak to officers.
Nitpicky aside, but 911 would just tell her to get out of the house, not get a weapon.  But hey, maybe its in texas.
Haha, you get your police codes from sublime songs?  or is this in Cali?
I think the officers recover a little quickly, IE  the dialogue with the girl.  Just a little more emotion, nervousness would be good.

Overall, great job, did a whole lot with not much, if you know what I mean.  Sticking with the 911 operator is great, it really keeps us feeling impotent and helpless.  Specially when hes trying to convince the cops to leave.  
Yea I dont see this stretching into a feature, but it would make a good intro at least, if the rest of the story had its own story arc.  
Nicely done.


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 69
sniper
Posted: March 15th, 2010, 5:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


My UZI Weighs A Ton

Location
Northern Hemisphere
Posts
2252
Posts Per Day
0.63
Hey Sean,

I thought this one actually worked quite well. Yeah, it's a little on the long side for a one-scene-one-character piece but with a really good actor (Tim), a really really really good camera operator mixed with some nice editing plus sound fx, then this could work.

Have you ever seen the movie called Pontypool? It pretty much takes place only in a radio studio and uses much of the same technique as you do here - and it's 93 minutes. I you haven't, then check it out - you'll like it.

Like others have mentioned, I'm not sure a 9-1-1 operator would ask the caller to arm herself but under the circumstances (her staying in the house) I guess it was needed. I still think he should keep telling her to get out of the house - let the law handle it, you know?

Some of the dialogue ran a little long - an easy fix though, just use a scalpel when you comb through it. There was one piece of dialogue that really sounded wrong though, this one (page 16):

OFFICER #2 (V.O.)
Shit, man, that guy out there was
obviously shot, but what the fuck
happened to these people?

No cop speaks like that (in movies).

All in all, I thought it was effective for what it was but could use a little editing here and there. Good work, Sean.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load

Revision History (1 edits)
sniper  -  March 15th, 2010, 10:05am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 69
TheRichcraft
Posted: March 18th, 2010, 1:43am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.05
Pretty good, though the ending was predictable.  I heard a similar story on old-time radio in which a father found his family dead and it was his mother who had killed them.  But they mentioned that she was bitten by a dog aka werewolf so it also had a predictable ending (at least by our standards--it may have been new in the 1940s).

911 operators would try to get people out of the house ASAP, even if children are left inside.  And maybe the girl's powers include having the mother imagine that her husband was a monster.  Otherwise, she must have been too scared to realize that he was just a man.

You would need to do a scene in which Tim sends the police.  We don't see him do in his directions.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 69
MsN
Posted: March 19th, 2010, 12:37am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
15
Posts Per Day
0.00

Sean, I work the grave shift at a manufacturing plant. I read your script last night and it gave me the chills (even with the slightly flawed dialogue), it had GREAT FLOW.

You MUST do this feature length!

Just so I can read the scene where Tim, after obssesing over the call for days, goes on a ride-along in the 'infected area'. Only to be locked in the back seat outside of another suburban home as two patrol officers head in to their certian death.

Tim hears it all on the radio agian...

And then sees the skeletal being... staring out at him from the window...

Pleases man, you gotta. You just gotta...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 69
albinopenguin
Posted: March 19th, 2010, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


I got dipping sticks.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
789
Posts Per Day
0.17
Hey Sean,

A really great read. I enjoyed myself while reading this and found myself really intrigued- and that doesnt happen too often.

my biggest concern (which has already been noted), is that an operator would not encourage Mary to defend herself. Instead, he would tell her to get out of the house immediately. but like i said, several people have already mentioned this. no need to beat a dead horse

this film reminded me a lot of Alien and the fact that you hardly ever see the Alien itself. we fear what we dont know...and we dont know what we dont see. so the fact that the audience never sees this creature makes it all the more scarier. i would encourage you to go back and forth between the station and the house however (if you were to film it), yet still dont show the monster.

unfortunately im going to have to disagree with the previous poster and say that this is most effective as a short. im not sure you could turn this into a feature without it seeming cliched. but then again, maybe you could. it would just have to be really unique (like maybe inventing a whole new kind of monster with its own rules. "the next frankenstein" so to speak)

so overall, i really enjoyed this and would love to see it produced. the descriptions were fantastic and really captured the script's atmosphere. i would cut some of the dialogue, but then again that creates build up and suspense.

looking forward to reading more of your work


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 69
truant
Posted: March 19th, 2010, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
2
Posts Per Day
0.00
For all intents and purposes, this was a well-written script. It was suspenseful and tension-filled.

I also loved the concept and it works well for a short feature.

Some things that took me out of suspension of disbelief:
1) The dispatcher telling her to arm herself with a gun. This is HIGHLY improbable. The thinking is that "violence begets violence." He would most likely be telling her to lock herself in someplace safe until the police arrives.

2) The dispatcher leading her to find her daughter seems awkward. "Look in the closet!" It would probably be more dramatic if, against his advice and her better judgment, she does it anyways. Extra points for conflict, and it adds to the audience's feeling of helplessness.

3) With all that's going on, why isn't there a supervisor involved somewhere?

4) The ending seems false somehow. I get the feeling after something that crazy, the dispatcher would be panicked out of his mind. Not resigned. Although...I understand what you're going for...

Overall though, it's clear that you are more than a competent writer. You have none of those awkward "hiccups" that interrupt the flow of story.

If you are considering expanding this into feature-length, this sequence works as an excellent "prologue" for a zombie flick. I've never seen one start from a 9-1-1 dispatcher's P.O.V.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 19th, 2010, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Hey everyone, sorry for getting no responses from me lately. It's been a long week.

Cam,

I'm not surprised people thought this was a zombie script

NOTE TO EVERYONE: The beginning of this script is sort of based on a true story. I grabbed the idea from a 9-1-1 call I heard on a website about a woman who called the police because someone was at her door and she didn't know who he was. The operator, in fact, told her that she had the right to shoot him, but also advised that she should lock herself in a room. You can watch the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4Z_2oU9B2o&feature=fvw

Alright, back to your comments, Cam. The length was a problem. I wasn't planning on making it this long, but there's so much going on that it was kind of hard not to. There is repetitive dialogue, but it's kind of bound to happen during a time like this, especially when you have a woman panicking and frantically trying to figure things out/trying to find her daughter on the other end.

That last suggestion: I was trying to go for a little bit of a more ambiguous ending, but enough to where you pretty much have an idea of what happened, which is why a couple people have asked if was planning on expanding. I'm thinking of leaving the ending just the way it is.

Jack,

Thanks for reading. I always assumed the operators worked at the police station as well. But according to what you've said, I guess not. My reasoning for the operator telling her to get the gun, look at the link I posted above. And yes, this is located in Texas, ha. The video I provided above is in Oklahoma, but that's right above Texas, so it still applies And I was informed by a friend about the police code. The police officers recovering a little too quickly when they find the girl I feel may not be too flawed, since they have just found a little girl after seeing the carnage of dead bodies everywhere. So they're going to focus on her more without trying to scare her.

Also, I forgot to show Tim contacting the officers. My bad. Doesn't it work to where they grab the information the call is coming from, and send it to the nearest police station, in which they report it to all the officers (just as well as the information popping up on the little laptops all the patrol cars have in the front of the cars)?

Sniper,

Hey, man, how's it going? Thanks for reading. Yeah, if this were filmed, it's one of those films that has to be done right with little-to-no flaws. Also, I think it'd work well even if both of them were just voices, and it had B-roll of pictures along with captions, like you see on the news or on YouTube.

I have seen Pontypool. Loved the technique they did where it was all kept in one location. Pretty eerie movie. Though, did you see after the credits? Made noooooo sense.

(take a look at the video I posted earlier in this post, along with the note above it)

That piece of dialogue you provided does seem a bit odd now that I look at it. I'll change it up, along with shortening down a little bit of some other dialogue, though I'm not sure I'll change too much.

Thanks again!

TheRichCraft,

I was really trying not to make the ending predictable until possibly the very last bit before the cops are attacked. Or at least when they found the girl. I didn't want it to be predictable any time before Mary died.

(earlier in this post I posted a video with a note above the link, so check that out. I also mentioned that I'll work on giving Tim the direction to contact the police).

Nah, I want the girl just to be able to fool people by looking like a little girl, but really be some frightening creature underneath. The woman just shot the man because he was covered in blood, her family had been butchered, and he was trying to break into the home.

Thanks for reading!

MsN,

Ha ha, I'm glad I was able to give you the heebie-jeebies. When I was writing this, I was home alone, and it was nighttime, and I had creeped myself out once I was finished with this. I was even a bit of afraid to go downstairs because my imagination was running. Feature-length is most likely not a possibility, but maybe...

Glad you enjoyed it!

Albino,

Thanks for reading and glad you enjoyed it. Yes, thanks for mentioning that. I've posted a video earlier in this post and a note above the link explaining why that happens in my script.

That's what I liked about Alien, because you don't see anything that much. It's all too dark and claustrophobic. Which makes it all the more scary. I don't really want to distract away from Tim at the station because I want the audience to get that sense of helpless-ness. I want them to really be in his position, sitting at the computer, listening to all of this happening and not being able to see what's going on, and not being able to help.

I'm glad you enjoyed the majority of it though! Thanks!

Truant,

1) Already explained earlier in this post. Take a look if you'd like!

2) Yeah, I see what you mean. But Tim can't really do anything but help and tell her what to do. She's so focused on finding her daughter, she won't listen to him until she does, really, and so he might as well help her find her daughter so she can get the hell out of there.

3) A supervisor wouldn't come and check in on an operator during a 9-1-1 call?

4) The operator is in shock after hearing all that he's heard. Maybe after the call disconnects, and he backs away, he jumps up and does something. But, unfortunately, that didn't make it into the cut

Thanks! And glad you liked it. Ha ha I think I might keep this from a zombie script...For now. I'm done with zombies...


...For now. Right now, it's up to the audience to decide what's happened.


Thanks again for reading, yous guys!!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 69
Andrew
Posted: March 20th, 2010, 9:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1686
Posts Per Day
0.38
Sean,

I read this as it features a dispatcher, which is the foundation of my upcoming script 'EMD', but you take this in a very different direction. This script kinda feels a mixture of "The Taking of Pelham 123" and "The Fourth Kind", so it a good base.

You're onto something good here. The premise is promising, and you actually threw me with the ending, as I had not connected the dots with regards the girl being responsible. You managed to achieve that with involving writing, and while the style wasn't necessarily to my taste, I do think it was effective. It's open to interpretation as to how the girl became this creature, and how the situation developed, which I liked.

I agree with Cam regards the length, 19 pages is definitely too long as you currently have it set up. While it does help build suspense, you pushed it a little too far. There is a lot of time where we rely on dialogue alone, and it's too long, frankly. He made a good suggestion with another dispatcher, and it's a possible angle.

Regards the dispatcher protocol, you need to research that a bit further, I think. I know we're not dealing with real life, but this guy loses all sense of professionalism; but that's easily rectified. He could be shown quickly in a scene as a guy who rebels, not in an angsty way, but more subtly.

Trimming this to 12-15 pages, cutting out some of the exposition and just generally sharpening the writing would benefit a very promising script. As a premise, it's one of my favourites on SS for a while.

Nice job.

Andrew  


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 20th, 2010, 9:57am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Andrew,

Thanks for giving this a read.

I haven't seen The Taking of Phelam 123, but I have seen The Fourth Kind (I actually bought it the other day, and I am anxious to watch it again).

I'm glad you didn't see that ending coming Though you're not the only one who didn't connect the dots of the girl being the creature until I had mentioned it. I tried getting the audience to understand that the girl was dangerous when one of the officers was screaming that she was biting the other officer.

The length I will try and work on. The dialogue does get a bit repetitive, and so I am going to give it another look to see what can stay and what can go.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the dispatcher becoming a rebel in a subtle manner.

I'll keep a lookout on the length of this script (I'm not sure if you read my comment earlier, but I didn't plan on it being this long). But I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks,

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 16 - 69
ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 20th, 2010, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
976
Posts Per Day
0.18
Hello, Sean. Good job on this one. Very enjoyable; very intense, though with that being said, there were some areas where it could have used improvement:

1. Dialogue -- I know Mary was scared, but sometimes she spoke like a heavily religious person and at others she swore continuously. After saying "dear Lord," which I personally would never say out loud without trying to sound sarcastic, I didn't buy it when she started swearing S-words. She just didn't strike me as someone who swore even during extreme circumstances. She seemed kind of a church girl to me. Just a worthless minor thing...I thought since we don't get to see Mary, it would add to her character if you kept her dialogue a little more consistent throughout to give her more of an identity, you know what I mean?  

In general, some of the dialogue felt a bit on-the-nose -- like Mary describing the creature as "skeletal." I had already built an image of the creature in my head, and it was much more terrifying to me than what Mary described it as. I strongly suggest toning her description of it down just a tiny bit, since what you got now kinda ruins what viewers had already built up in their heads before it. It kind of killed some of the suspense you had so expertly created earlier.

2. Story -- I'm sorry man, but "Susan" was extremely predictable. Maybe I just watch/read way too much of this stuff, which is my blessing and my curse.LOL.

Even before Mary shot the man, I knew there would be a supernatural twist. And the mentioning of Susan on every page made me think she was the monster. Another flaw in the script revolving around her is that there is no reason for Susan to morph (which works both for and against the story in the way you presented it)  and there is no reason for Mary NOT knowing that her daughter is a monster, either.

It just doesn't seem plausible (within the confines of you story, of course) that Mary and her family would be completely oblivious to it. And the man Mary killed is another plot-hole of sorts. If Susan was the monster, are we to assume she slaughtered her family, went outside to wound a stranger, and then went back inside? And if the man was a neighbor, which is the only thing that would make sense since he would have to live close by, Mary should have recognized him at least AFTER she shot him.

There are too many questions in this for a short. You could either make this shorter,thus deleting some details; or stretch it into a feature. It really could work both ways.

Despite my complaints, I think this was a solid effort. Very decent suspense, which seems like a lost art in mainstream Horror. And do believe me, it's a lot scarier for Susan to be the monster as opposed to an external threat, but an external threat would make a lot more sense, story-wise, since it would fix the issue with the man and Mary not knowing what Susan is capable of. I suggest you try to balance this out and it would make the script even better than it is.

Nice job. Good effort. Keep on writing man.

--Julio
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 69
_ghostwriters
Posted: March 20th, 2010, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1159
Posts Per Day
0.27
Sean,

I gave this a read.  I'm not going to repeat what others have said, because you have addressed them.

Your wrylies man, overkill.  No need for all of them.  The way you have things laid out IMO is a no brainer.  We get it and so would the actors.  Maybe one or two and after that throw in an actionline, "Voices down to a urgent whisper," or something like that would work.   But this is just ghost.  This is your script, so fair enough.

So at page#15 we hear screeching?  I'm assuming this is the police finally arriving on scene?  Page#16, we hear from them.  Now unless Mary and her family live out in the middle of nowehere, I don't buy the police taking 15 minutes to get to a 9-1-1 call.  I could be wrong here... but I'd like to think it wouldn't take that long.

For what you got, the story was solid and had suspense which is  good thing but a few underlining issues that you could address.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  March 20th, 2010, 5:46pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 69
stevie
Posted: March 20th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3438
Posts Per Day
0.75
Hi Sean. I'd read some of the reviews so thought it out.

Nice premise! But i agree with any one else who mentioned it - its way too long. I have to admit I skimmed over large parts of it, especially in the middle. There was too much of the same dialogue and action.
I didn't have any prob with any 'logic' flaws that might be in it - eg, would a dispatcher tell someone to arm themselves, where was the supervisor, etc.
The only thing I would mention is the use of V.O. I would have had Mary's dialogue as O.S.
Now, there's always discussion -sometimes heated! - about the finer points of formatting. But Mary is technically in another room or area when on the phone, so it should be written as OS. VO would be used if Tim or Mary was narrrating the story.

Anyway, no doubt we'll hear more about that!  i really liked the ending though! I honestly didn't see that coming.
Your writing was well done and with some trimming, this would be a neat little short that could be well on low budget. Maybe it could work as a machinma?

Cheers stevie.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 24th, 2010, 10:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Julio:

Thanks for reading, man. How are you doing?

I see what you mean about Mary cussing, while also being seen as a religious woman. I'll fix that. And I'll cut down on the descriptions of the creature too.

What I was trying to go for was that Susan has been like this every since she was born. Just because she's able to morph into this horrific creature doesn't mean her family has to know about it. This could just be the beginning, the first time that Susan has morphed. Also, what I was going for with the man was that since he was covered in blood and banging on the door, that he was screaming at Mary to get out of the house because he knows what's inside, and he's trying to get in to save Mary. Maybe Susan had tried attacking the man, but the man was able to fight her off or get away before she could kill him, and saw where she was headed.

Ghostwriter:

I was kind of iffy about those wrylies. But I was never sure when it came to stuff like that. I don't really like mentioning in the action lines how the people are talking, so I just resort to wrylies for that.

Yeah, the time it takes for the police officers to receive the call to the time they get to the house is a bit ridiculous, but that's my fault for trying to get everything I needed/wanted in the script. If this were filmed, and I directed it, I'd try to move things along as fast as possible to keep the time to the ultimate minimum (plus, shortening the script, too).

Thanks for reading.

Stevie:

Sorry for the length. Skimming over? That's low

About the V.O. and O.S. stuff, yeah, I actually had to pause and think about it for a moment. I figured that since she's on the phone and we don't see her and hear only her voice the entire time throughout the script, then it'd be V.O. but your logic also sounds correct.

Thanks for reading and glad you enjoyed. If I get the time and actors, I could possibly quite film this myself.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 20 - 69
rock.
Posted: March 28th, 2010, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
USA
Posts
58
Posts Per Day
0.01
This was really scary, good work.  My heart was pumping the whole time.  I never watch horror movies because they scare me, and I thought I could just read the script instead.  Boy, I was proved wrong.  It really was scary, and the idea was creative and ingenious.  The only problem was maybe the fact that you'd be staring at a guy on the phone for 20 minutes.  This definitely could be expanded, and they could investigate on this creature and stuff like that.  I really liked it, intense and scary.


My scripts:

Façade:  In a "film noir" set in the 1950's, a detective investigates the murder of a teenage boy in the quintessential 50's American suburbs, and as he slowly peels back the veneer of the picture perfect family, he realizes nothing is what it seems, unaware of what secrets he will uncover.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 69
ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 28th, 2010, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
976
Posts Per Day
0.18
I'm doing good, Sean -- haven't been writing much scripts as of late, but I still come here to read. I've been more focused on short stories for a while ever since I found out there was a rather easily-accesible market for them.

I think I was a little too harsh on the specifics of the story. We DO have to assume a lot of things, but I think this is the way you intended it. I just failed to make sense of how Mary did not know Susan's nature (that is, if this wasn't her first night killing).  But in retrospect, some of the best Horror films have no answers to many big questions (The Shining, Rosemary's Baby)

And I agree with Rock -- you have truly created real suspense here, Sean. It had been a long time since words on a page genuinely made my blood pump. It shows  true skill in your craft as a Horror/Suspense writer. Keep up the good work.

--Julio
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2010, 7:11pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
rock.:

Thanks for giving the time to read this, and I'm glad you were scared by it. I find it hard these days to be disturbed or creeped out/scared by reading something on paper, as you had mentioned. But, I, too, was proved wrong, after writing this. I creeped myself out during the process. Also, another Simply Scripter on here, Matt Chisholm, showed me a short story about Russian scientists testing an experiment on prisoners by keeping them in a room filled with a gas that kept them awake, and they would study the prisoners as each day progress. Very disturbing stuff that kept me up later than usual.

I'm glad you enjoyed this one. It's true about staring at a guy for 20 minutes, but I'm sure if you had a great filmmaker working the camera and directing, you could create some good eye-candy for the audience. Looking at The Fourth Kind there's one scene where the actors are listening to a recording from a tape recorder, and the scene is about 3 minutes long, and it's all just noises. What they had to do was just focus on parts of the actors, their reactions, just different things to keep the scene flowing and more interesting. And when you have something as intense as to what was recorded on the tape recorder, you really start to miss what's being shot on camera since your focusing on the sounds rather than imagery. And when the sounds are intense and well-made, such as this one here if ever filmed (which, if it is, I'd really like to try and make it as well-made as possible for this very reason), you don't really need to focus so much on imagery since the audience will be pulled into the audio.

Anyways, back on track, thanks again for reading! Glad I could scare ya

Julio:

Short stories are fun to write. I've been wanting to write one for a while; a nice, psychological thriller, mainly with ghost stuff, but I haven't really been given the right ideas yet, so I'm pushing that technique aside and sticking with scripts, still.

Yeah, I know what you mean, and I am glad you brought up those questions, because I did think of that kind of stuff, but they just flew right over my head and I kind of left it open to the audience (along with the ending).

Thanks for the last comment, that means a lot to me. I'm glad I could create this effect on everyone who's read this script, as it had create the same for me when writing it.

Sean

P.S. I'd like to thank DON for putting up the poster I made for this script next to the link where you can download it. If you click on the picture, it will direct you to my blog for my different pieces of artwork and other bits of useless stuff!


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 69
emcee
Posted: April 20th, 2010, 3:41am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
27
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hey Sean

Sorry mate. This just didn't work for me. I found the whole thing unbelievable. How does a woman in complete distress describe how she has "just got back from out of town...." no way would she do that. And the dispatcher's advice to get a gun? Then to jump from a window? Dunno mate. Hope I don't get Tim when dey cum for me.

Maybe using an intercut between Tim and the woman would work better.

Generally your writing is sound but I was constantly put off by the use of (O/S).

I'm just a newbie, a deb, a virgin....what the f*** do I know anyhoo.

Good luck and keep on truckin'. I'll give Solium a read. No offense meant.

Em.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 24th, 2010, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Emcee,

Sorry you didn't enjoy this one (or Solium, for that matter). When someone is in distress, the stuff they say can be pretty outrageous and they can blabber on about something without them knowing it. There's a lot of stuff that goes through the mind when you're scared, and when you think you're being comprehensible, everyone else may think that you sound crazy. I just hope that if you do call 9-1-1 and you DO get Tim, that there isn't a killer creature on the loose trying to kill you.

Intercut would work, but that's not what I'm going for. Sorry.

O.S. would be good for the dialogue (had trouble choosing between V.O. and O.S. and didn't really think twice), but I did use it for descriptions (that should have been my hint to use O.S. instead of V.O. for Mary's dialogue).

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 69
bert
Posted: April 27th, 2010, 7:35pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator


Buy the ticket, take the ride

Location
That's me in the corner
Posts
4158
Posts Per Day
0.71
Hey, Sean.  You gotta' a lot of comments here I have not read.  I looked it over cold.

This is really good.  I was worried that 18 pages was a bit much, but there is really no down-time here.  It speeds along with a lot of momentum.

But regardless of how much momentum it has upon reading, it is still 15 or so minutes of one guy sitting at a phone.  This is both a positive and a negative.

Positive as it would be dirt cheap to produce.  I would be surprised if you do not get contacted by somebody on this one.

But there are still those lingering negatives, with very little going on visually.  Try to come up with something -- anything -- for this guy to do.  Make him startled and spill his drink.  Stuff like that.

Also, there are a few spots where I strongly feel you should tweak a few things, primarily where your 911 guy is giving Mary really bad advice.

For example, he tells her to get a weapon.  Realistically, he would just tell her to get the hell out of the house.  But make it so Mary already has the gun.  She can still have never used it before, and still be hesitant to use it.  He can tell her to just haul ass, but Mary can insist on staying to find her daughter.  Much of your dialogue here can remain the same.

And again -- when Mary is hiding in the closet and the beast has left -- and Tim tells her to sneak out??  Again, bad, unrealistic advice.  But again, easily fixed by Mary insisting she has to go look for her daughter.  Tim tells her to stay hidden, but she doesn't.

What I am saying here is let Mary make the bad decisions that drive your story forward -- not the 911 guy -- he is frantic and helpless to stop her -- and I think this piece will be stronger.  And you can give him more emotional lines this way, as he tries to convince her not to do these things.

On a brief technical note, once you have established your scene -- with Mary on the phone and Tim listening -- you can stop using all of those O.S. cues in your descriptions.  They get annoying, and they really go without saying.  Nobody will get confused.

And I have an idea for the very, very end that you may or may not like.

Tim is sitting there, shocked and staring at his headset.  Silence for a while.  Then a creepy child-like voice comes on the line that says, "Send more."

Haha.  I honestly don't care if you steal that.  Or not.  This is really good work, Sean.  I liked it a lot.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 26 - 69
grademan
Posted: April 28th, 2010, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
874
Posts Per Day
0.20
Sean,

Can't believe I missed this one when it was posted. Very good. Nothing to add that hasn't been suggested. Bert made some excellent suggestions. I'd like to see your next draft.

Liked the artwork. For a moment, I thought this was a made project.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: April 28th, 2010, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
bert

Glad you liked it! I see what you mean with having Tim create some actions and everything. But there can only be so much to what he can do. Spill his drink and other big actions...Would smaller actions help as well? Such as rub his hands through his hair and stuff like that? I guess I was just focusing more on Mary's actions, even though she's off-screen the entire script.

Having Mary already start off with the gun (and start off with the man already at her door) would probably be a great way to start. Thanks for suggesting that. It would cut down the pages of the script, and with your suggestions (along with everybody else's), she'll have the gun and Tim won't have to tell her to arm herself, which would make everyone happy. I guess people don't realise that that's what us Southern people do

Overall your suggestions about Mary making bad decisions rather than Tim is great advice. I'll go through the script and see what I can do for that. Thanks

When would I want to stop using (O.S.) cues? Once I establish that the woman's name is Mary? Or after Mary speaks? Somewhere towards the beginning, I assume...

Ha ha that last suggestion is more of a dark comedic line. Reminds me of The Return of the Living Dead when one zombie goes to an ambulance that they ambushed and talks into the radio saying "Send more paramedics."

Thanks for reading and the suggestions, and I am glad you liked it!


grademan

Glad you liked it, Gary. I made the poster a while back. Took me a while...Nice to see that it looks professional


Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 28 - 69
Shawnkjr
Posted: May 24th, 2010, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Los Angeles
Posts
166
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey, Sean

Nice short you have here. Very suspenseful and intense. The last few pages whizzed by. Don't really have anything negative to say really except I don't think Tim was very helpful. lol.
Never guessed the little girl was a  WereAlien /Creature. I think this hear it not see it thing works very well as such in movies like Pontypool but I think It would make for an excellent Radio Suspense Drama (My favorite is 'Sorry, Wrong Number'. check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sorry,_Wrong_Number#Radio_play)

Really enjoyed this. Great job


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 29 - 69
tonkatough
Posted: May 27th, 2010, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
587
Posts Per Day
0.11
Considering this is just a phone conversation, it's a surpirse that this story compelled me to read on. But you have such an interesting situation that it works fine.  I am guessing this would be more effective on film then it would be as words on paper. The fun you could have with sound effects telling the story.

Now the only beef I have with this script is that it is way, way to long. Part of that problem is Tim giving out instructions to Susan and guiding her through her little adventure. As it is, your story read more like a session of Dungeons & Dragons where the Dungeon Master talks the players through a werewolf encounter and less like an urgent life threatening 9-1-1 call.

I feel the story should be much more shorter, tighter and way more chaotic. Have the woman just screaming her way through the house and Tim trying to warn her to get out of the house, but he can't get her to listen cause she can't hear him above her screams. Tim being helpess and have to listen in horror as this poor women is trapped in her house and ripped apart would be more powrerful then just Tim talking her through her situation and using the questions and answers of the conversation as the narrative. Less dialouge and let the sound effects tell the story. But I'm not sure how you would do that as a script writer but I'm sure you could discuss it with whatever film maker who chooses to produce this as I'm sure it would make a great short film.  

  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 30 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: May 30th, 2010, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Shawn, thanks for reading. Glad you found it enjoyable. Yeah, people haven't really enjoyed Tim's execution of his job, so I tried working that out in the new draft which I am going to submit soon.


Tonka, thanks, too, for reading. I can understand why people may get turned off from this script since it only focuses on one character throughout the entire thing...But I'm glad you were compelled to keep reading. I tried shortening this down to the point where there aren't too many pauses, but as I was doing it, it was hard to try and pick out what needed to be in there and what didn't. But I am going to give it a quick look over before I resubmit this next draft to see if I can pick out any more things. I even changed Tim's dialog to where he isn't guiding her as much anymore, so hopefully that will change things up a bit.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 69
Coding Herman
Posted: June 4th, 2010, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Toronto, Canada
Posts
456
Posts Per Day
0.11
Ooo...freaky. I really like the dialogue and the atmosphere you've created. The conversation, although it's only one person talking to the phone, was very effective.

Nothing much to say. Loved this.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: June 20th, 2010, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Coding,

Sorry that I'm just now getting to your comments. Finals had popped up in the past 2 weeks so I've been a bit busy lately. I'm glad you enjoyed this, and that it gave a good freaky feeling for you. Thanks for the read!


TO EVERYONE:

I've submitted a second draft. It's a couple pages shorter (I seriously went through every page and wiped out anything that could have been removed and not take away from the suspense or story). I've also took your guys' advice about Tim giving the advice to Mary about getting a shotgun. In this draft, she'll have it with her to begin with. I also made Tim more pleading with Mary to get out of the house, rather than have him help her try and find Susan, so I tried making it more believable.

If you guys decide to take a look at the new draft when it's up, I hope you all enjoy!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: June 22nd, 2010, 10:14pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Hey everyone, the new draft is up, and thanks Don for getting it up quickly! Hope this speeds things up and makes it for a more realistic read, with the same creepy factor to it.


Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 34 - 69
screenrider
Posted: June 23rd, 2010, 10:42am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Sean,

I thought it was pretty clever the way you took a real-life situation and gave it a supernatural twist.  Art imitating life.  I remember hearing the original 9-11 call.  
You could still trim this down more.   Some of the action descriptions seemed clunky, over-written and repetitious.

As for the blashphemy...hated it.  But you already know that.  As for the ending it would've been nice to add a twist within the twist.  Or maybe even a bit of an explanation as to what the heck Mary was.   I also would've liked to have seen a final scene with Tim outside of the 9-1-1 Call Center.    All in all, it was an interesting experiment.  
Logged
e-mail Reply: 35 - 69
electricsatori
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 1:06am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Nebrasky
Posts
131
Posts Per Day
0.03
Sean,

Wow. Great script! I very very rarely say that.

This is shootable, this is creepy. The suspense just keeps drawing you in. This is the quality of writing you should always strive towards.

I got chills reading this!

-Daniel


DUST AND ROSES - (Western) 7 Pages

SUNDAY IS THE WORST DAY TO DIE OF THE PLAGUE - (Drama) 12 Pages

THE GHOST OF JOHN (Horror) 94 Pages
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 69
TheRichcraft
Posted: June 24th, 2010, 1:01pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.05
I just read your latest script version.  Thought it looked familiar.  Still pretty good, but I do have one suggestion.

You should have an actual 911 dispatcher read it and write down what he/she would do at certain plot points.  Now don't call 911, but you might want to take paper copies to the police station and fire station in your neighborhood and ask them to pass it onto the dispatchers.

I found the fire department to be most helpful when I asked them what flame-retardant material was used in their uniforms for one of my sci-fi stories.  They called me the next day with the information.

I strongly believe that having an expert's opinion of your story would make it even more scary.  Just a thought.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 37 - 69
tonkatough
Posted: June 27th, 2010, 3:39am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Australia
Posts
587
Posts Per Day
0.11
16 pages? I feel that is still to high a page count for this short. I looked at my previous reveiw and I will still pretty much say the same about this new draft. You're on the right track but you still have unesscery dialouge that a simple sound effect could put us in the picture rather then have chunks of dialouge of woman explaining every detail.

But I would leave as it is and once a director picks it up they should know what to keep and what to change and what to replace with sound effects.

and if this doesn't get picked up for production, then I would be very dissapointed cause i think this has amazing potential and all it is to film is just a dude looking at a monitor with a head set on.

Post production sound effects and voice over work would require some heavy lifting but would be a sound technicians wet dream.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 38 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: June 28th, 2010, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Screenrider, thanks for reading. The descriptions are repetitive, and that's something I still need to work on. And I don't know how to develop a twist within a twist. I figured that if I made it to where the twist is revealed at the end, with Susan, and everything cut off there, it would leave for an ambiguous ending, and only the start of a story, which may or may not leave the audience wanting more.

Daniel, glad you got chills. That was what I was hoping for (plus, I, myself, got chills while writing this script). I'm glad you liked it!

TheRichCraft, that IS a good idea. I've seen plenty of real 9-1-1 recordings on YouTube to get a general idea of how they'd perform a situation, but you're right, to make it more realistic, I'd need to get someone with first-hand experience who would have their own way of figuring out what to do rather than my way. I don't know where to find a 9-1-1 call center around my area unless I asked my local police station (because in one of the previous comments left for this script, I was told that the call center is most likely located outside of the police station). Thanks for reading!

Tonka, I know what you're talking about when it comes to Mary explaining every detail about what she's doing that COULD be replaced by a sound effect, but then, realistically, I'd imagine the operator asking "What are you doing?" over and over again. That's just me though. I'm working with someone right now who is interested in filming this about the length and seeing what we can cut down to make it even shorter than it is now, which would be great. Thanks for reading again, and your suggestions!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 39 - 69
TheRichcraft
Posted: June 30th, 2010, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.05
You may want to email your fire and police departments.  I'm sure your town has a website, and you can send your request to several departments like the mayor's or city manager's officers.  The more city employees hearing about your script will more likely raise interest in the 911 operators.

I asked the mayor's secretary to locate whoever was in charge of designing and making wheelchair ramps on roads and bridges.  I got a response within hours.  He was a good source of information for my scripts.  And the secretary thanked me for making her an "official advisor" to a screenwriter.

Personally I think every city employee would love the chance to discuss a script with writers if it gives them an opportunity not to deal with irate people.  Of course, you may offer them a lilttle money, too, lol.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 69
jackx
Posted: July 1st, 2010, 4:51am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
247
Posts Per Day
0.06
Probably the quickest way would be to dial 911...  I'm pretty sure someone useful will pick up...










(yea, please dont actually do this...)


Mine:
HARD CASE
            (65 Pages) Stealing the case is just the beginning...

APU
            (80 pages) A city where superheroes are murderers and villains walk through walls...

Revision History (1 edits)
jackx  -  July 4th, 2010, 4:43am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 41 - 69
TheRichcraft
Posted: July 1st, 2010, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.05
I'm sure they'll also have you arrested for calling 911 for non-emergency usage.  That's why I don't recommend it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 42 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: July 3rd, 2010, 3:12am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Rich Craft, I could do that. That'd be very helpful to really get someone who knows how to handle this kind of stuff, since they need to be prepared for any kind of 9-1-1 call. But, I could also go by Jack's way, and call in and play out the script in the way that it's presented here...But, unless I want to go to jail, I'm better off going with the former decision. Right now, I'm okay with what I have, but if things really do need to be changed, I can cross that bridge when I come to it.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 43 - 69
TheRichcraft
Posted: July 3rd, 2010, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
219
Posts Per Day
0.05
Go with your guts, Sean.  My ideas were only suggestions.  The script is pretty good on its own merits.  It still scared me the second time I read it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 44 - 69
rc1107
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1228
Posts Per Day
0.24
This is a very good, straight up horror story, with absolutely no gore because all the terror is through sound.  Another great thing about this story is that it can also work as a radio teleplay and it won't lose a single element to the story, and it's been a long time since I've read (or heard) a story that can do that.  Saying that, this might be a good idea to pitch to your local university's radio station.  I'm sure they're always trying to find ways to fill up the air waves.

There might not have been any characterization or hints of a backstory, but a truly classic horror story doesn't call for either of those things.  A good horror story only needs a fast-pace (which this story certainly has) and a great ending with a twist that catches people off-guard (which this story certainly did).  At least for me.

The only issue I really have with the story that doesn't make sense to me is who the guy screaming and banging on the window trying to get in is.  That question was never answered.  Using common sense, (which I certainly don't have all the time), I'm assuming he was someone trying to warn the mother that her daughter was the monster.  But, in that case, how did a stranger come to find out about the situation?  I guess that part just lost me a little bit.

Like I said, this story worked great as a horror and kept me churning the pages and I was very pleasantly pleased with the outcome.  Definately a great job.

-  Mark


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 45 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: August 13th, 2010, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Mark,

Thanks for reading this. This would be a cool radio teleplay, though, my school doesn't have a radio station (even though it should, since one of the degrees is in Audio--it's an art school), but then again, I can't imagine a lot of people listening to the school's radio if it had one.

I'm really glad you enjoyed all of this though. So far it's been one of my strongest scripts, so it's really nice to hear all these good reviews about it. And about your issue that you had, what you suspected is correct. About how he found out about the situation, I guess we can just sort of assume that he probably heard screaming or something coming from the house and decided to check it out, only to encounter the creature while doing so (this is what I was going for as a backstory for him, but it's hard to put that through when he doesn't even talk).

This script has actually been picked up and should start getting filmed later this year. I'll keep things updated when I hear more about the project.

Thanks again, Mark!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 46 - 69
CindyLKeller
Posted: October 23rd, 2010, 7:42am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1417
Posts Per Day
0.23
Hi Sean,

This was an awesome read this morning. So intense throughout.

It seems like it will be easy to make, too.

There were a couple things that I think could use a little work or explanation though.
Those are the guy at the door, and why the little girl is like she is. How she got that way.

Otherwise, it was great. Very nice writing. Smooth. Good read for Halloween.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 47 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: January 20th, 2011, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Cindy! How in the world did I miss your review? I have not checked out this thread in a long time, it looks like.

Thanks for reading, though. For your questions, there's no definite answer, it's up to the audience to figure out how the girl gets that way, and why the guy is there. Now, I have my own explanations, but that's just me knowing more than the audience and what my intentions are, but everyone can view it differently. I'm glad you liked it though!

To everyone else, I'm about to submit a new draft, shorter and quicker. This is the final draft for the finished cut of the film, but unfortunately, due to a problem concerning the actor who played Tim, the production may be put on hiatus for the time being, or might even be scrapped for good. I have asked the director what his intentions for the film is, but at the moment it's not really looking good.

The new draft should be up soon-ish.

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 48 - 69
Sham
Posted: January 20th, 2011, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
USA
Posts
360
Posts Per Day
0.06
Hi Sean,

I'm glad you gave this one a bump. I was very impressed.

My opinion pretty much goes along with what everyone else has said -- tense, suspenseful, gripping. A real page-turner, easily the best script, feature or otherwise, that I've read from you. I'll also echo those who said it's a tad bit overlong, with some small instances of dialogue that don't quite work (sniper mentioned the line "Jesus Christ, that guy out there was obviously shot, but what the hell happened to these people?" -- I see you've upgraded it slightly, but it's still a line that doesn't leave the best taste in your mouth).

Despite these minor gripes, this was a solid read. Congrats on getting it picked up, and please keep us updated.

Chris


Logged
Private Message Reply: 49 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: January 21st, 2011, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Chris,

Thanks for reading! Glad you liked it. It's shorten down to 15 pages and I've literally tried to strip down as much as I could. I'm not sure where the production is headed at the moment, but if anything happens, I will definitely keep things updated. Thanks again for the comments!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 50 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: January 23rd, 2011, 4:41pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Hey everyone, just wanted to inform you guys that a new draft is up! I just looked at it, and I have now just realized that I forgot to change the slugline for the 9-1-1 call center from "9-9-9" (the UK 9-1-1 number) to "9-1-1". This script was in production at the time of the revision, and it was being directed by a guy who lived over in England, so we had to change a couple of things in order for it to fit over in that country, so please don't mind that mistake. Other than that, I hope you guys enjoy it!

Thanks Don for getting this updated!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 51 - 69
Mr.Ripley
Posted: January 23rd, 2011, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Writing

Location
New York
Posts
1952
Posts Per Day
0.36
Congrats Sean.

pg. 1 I would let the Woman continue speaking. Don't let her get cut off by Tim.
pg. 2 Mary mentions "breaking in again" he's broken in before? Also I don't think she should be screaming that she can't shoot the intruder. It'll let the intruder know.
pg. 5 Mary says "I’m in her room, there aren’t many places for her to hide here...Susan?! Susan, where are you?!". I think could be changed to "I'm in her room, Susan?! Susan, where are you?!"

Also, i think it would add more suspense if Tim tells Mary the amount of time it will take the officers to arrive. IT simulate a countdown.

Hope this helps
Gabe

Revision History (1 edits)
Mr.Ripley  -  January 23rd, 2011, 5:05pm
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 52 - 69
Electric Dreamer
Posted: January 24th, 2011, 4:38am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.70
Sean,

Congrats on going into production with this script!
You should be proud.
This is well done and your format skills don't trip me up.
It felt a bit repetitive around page 12, but the lull didn't last long.
I didn't quite get the guy at the door.
I'm sure filming it will clarify any action description vagaries.
Typically, an emergency operator can give a victim an ETA for assistance.
Some kind of race against time would help enhance your story.

Good luck with the production and keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 53 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: February 10th, 2011, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Gabe and E.D.,

Thanks for reading the new draft. I like your idea of a countdown to add more suspense, though I'm not sure how that would go about. Tim could say that the cops would be there in maybe 7 minutes, that's cool. But throughout the story, I can't imagine a dispatcher saying something like, "Just keep going, the cops should be there in about five minutes...three minutes...they should be just up the road..." I like it because it really stretches out time and makes things last forever, but I just wouldn't know how Tim would know how much longer the cops would be.

As for the man at the door, the way I have it is that he's there when Mary calls the cops. She says he's covered in blood, so she assumes that he's the man who killed her family, thus giving her the motivation to be afraid of and kill him. Notice later that when she's in Susan's room, she says something along the lines of: "I don't think that man killed my family, he couldn't have!" But, if you're wondering why he's covered in blood and banging on the door in the first place, it's not really explained in the script, but his background story was that he was attacked by the creature before it went over to Susan's house, so he was going over there to warn her and her family. I'm not sure how I can really make it clear in the script, unless I have the man scream something like, "Get out!" or "There's a creature around here!" Something like that.

Thanks for reading, you two, and I'm really glad you both enjoyed it!

Sean


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 54 - 69
Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 10th, 2011, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.70

Quoted from Zombie Sean
Gabe and E.D.,

Thanks for reading the new draft. I like your idea of a countdown to add more suspense, though I'm not sure how that would go about. Tim could say that the cops would be there in maybe 7 minutes, that's cool. But throughout the story, I can't imagine a dispatcher saying something like, "Just keep going, the cops should be there in about five minutes...three minutes...they should be just up the road..." I like it because it really stretches out time and makes things last forever, but I just wouldn't know how Tim would know how much longer the cops would be.


Sean,

I think you can stretch credibility just fine with an initial ETA from Tim.
Your female protag can track the time from there with a clock or watch perhaps?
I'd buy it for a dollar if you put something like that in the script.
So, what's the latest production news?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  February 10th, 2011, 7:08pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 55 - 69
Conz
Posted: February 10th, 2011, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
350
Posts Per Day
0.09
cool story, quick read, leaves me thinking.  liked it a lot, good job Sean


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
Logged
Private Message Reply: 56 - 69
Don
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14583
Posts Per Day
1.97
Looks like Dispatch has been filmed.  Check out the trailer.



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 57 - 69
_ghostwriters
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1159
Posts Per Day
0.27
Sean... congrats.  The trailer looks really, really good.  I read the script, hopefully we can see the english version too.

Ghostie


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

Logged
Private Message Reply: 58 - 69
Dreamscale
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.33
Wow!  That's a great looking trailer!  Don't know if I ever read this or not.  Congrats, man!!!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  September 5th, 2011, 12:30am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 59 - 69
Ledbetter
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



GREAT JOB SEAN!!!!!!

Another SS'er Gets some much deserved attention.

Seem's like Don's site here is going to give InkTip a run for it's money.

Shawn.....><
Logged
e-mail Reply: 60 - 69
Grandma Bear
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7351
Posts Per Day
1.53
Looks REALLY PRO Sean!!!  Congrats!!

You know....I bet many more scripts have been made into films from SS than InkTip. Don isn't charging anything though which makes this site even better!!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 61 - 69
DaveTroop
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
at my desk
Posts
128
Posts Per Day
0.04
If this script was the first ten or eleven minutes in a feature horror movie, I'm sure it would get  a green light from someone.

Just as in Jaws, the first sequence set you up and hooked you in from the very beginning.

What would you do for the remaining 90 minutes?

Perhaps there is an alien form or entity that inhabits children in a small quiet town.

After Susan is shot (assuming that is the case) the entity moves on to another child in another family.  This makes it impossible for the police to predict who the next family of victims will be.

And how will the entity be caught?  Or will it be caught at all?  (I smell sequel)

But, it might be a touchy subject matter because of the small children involved. Or not. I've seen some preeeety sick horror movies.

Anyway, GREAT JOB!

I am jealous. If I had written it, I would run with it.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 62 - 69
Sham
Posted: September 4th, 2011, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
USA
Posts
360
Posts Per Day
0.06
I am blown away by that trailer, Sean! Congratulations!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 63 - 69
Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 12:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2743
Posts Per Day
0.70
Sean, hold your head high with that one, congrats.

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 64 - 69
sniper
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 2:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


My UZI Weighs A Ton

Location
Northern Hemisphere
Posts
2252
Posts Per Day
0.63
Exellent news, Sean. This is über cool. Congrats. Too bad my Italian is limited to "Inter Milan" and "vaffanculo"


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
Logged
Private Message Reply: 65 - 69
Heretic
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 2:57am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1888
Posts Per Day
0.30
Sean,

A budget!  Never an unwelcome sight.

Congratulations on this one.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 66 - 69
rc1107
Posted: September 5th, 2011, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Youngstown
Posts
1228
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hey Sean.

Congrats!  The quality does look very good.

Like Sniper, my Italian is very limited, too.  In fact, the only word I know how to say in Italian is dego.


Logged
Private Message YIM Reply: 67 - 69
Zombie Sean
Posted: September 6th, 2011, 1:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


A boozer, a user, and a two-time loser

Location
Anywhere there's a zombie...
Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.25
Woo, thanks everyone. It's been a while since I've been here on the site. I didn't even realize the trailer was getting popularity here.

Anyway, I'm very impressed and excited about this trailer, everything looks great. I don't know what they're saying in the trailer, either, but I've been asked by the director to help translate the entire film for subtitles. They're going to send me a script that's been roughly translated, and then I'm going to clear things up and make it more understandable. Hopefully I do well.

It should be known when the final film is released, so I hope we all enjoy it.

As for now, this is just a short, and I have no plans on expanding it, but maybe down the road something will happen and I will get a good idea for this.

Thanks again, everyone!


MY WEBSITE

RECENT SCRIPTS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 68 - 69
Max Ruddock
Posted: March 7th, 2021, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
UK
Posts
259
Posts Per Day
0.14
Hey Sean,

Okay this is going to come across very random, but I was looking at a couple of scripts I’d worked on years ago and this was one of them (in fact it was how I found out about SS in the first place) and I just wanted to ask if you ever saw the end result? Fairly sure the guy directing it was called Steven Shaw (it’s been a decade or so now so I could be wrong) and he did say he’d gotten your permission to shoot it.

If you never saw the end result, no worries. I didn’t either. Just thought I’d ask.

Was surprised to see it was your name on the script as I recognised your name from the boards.

Cheers

Max
Logged
Private Message Reply: 69 - 69
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006