SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 5th, 2020, 7:19am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Confessions Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Confessions  (currently 1728 views)
Don
Posted: April 9th, 2010, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13557
Posts Per Day
1.93
Confessions by Robert Chipman (tailbest) - Short, Drama - Two men have a personal discussion. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Lightfoot
Posted: April 9th, 2010, 7:41pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
328
Posts Per Day
0.08
First you tell us that Brian is walking up the steps with both hands inside his sweatshirt pockets, but in the action right after that you tell us that he is on his cell phone. I think it would be best to describe the scene right after the scene heading too, something like " Rain thunders down creating a large puddle at the base of the steps -- A foot slams into it sending splashes of water all around -- This foot belongs to so-and-so, he gabbles away on a cell phone"

There wasn't really any closure to the story for me, what happened? Was Brian actually crazy or did the priest rape him when he was little?

I think you can cut Adam from this script, he is a usless character in the story, although he does allow us to get to know Brain more by the conversation he has with him, but that can also be brought to our attention when Brian speaks with the priest, which is the reason why he's in the church in the first place.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
ajr
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 9:40am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1221
Posts Per Day
0.32
Lightfoot pretty much echoed everything I was going to say. As for the teenager, I agree he can be cut. If your intention for including him was to show that Brian was an okay guy, then maybe, but I think us "feeling" for Brian is going to result from the story he tells the priest and not a random act of kindness...

You should also read this over for spelling and formatting, and I would use FATHER THYMES instead of STANLEY - I think it grabs the reader more.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
tailbest
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
New-ish



Location
Christ, I can't find it.
Posts
80
Posts Per Day
0.02
Lightfoot/AJ,

Thanks for the information about the character Adam. I kind of wanted to show Brian looking out for someone who could end up like him while also trying to provide some character development. This story was a bit of a rush job, and I know there are errors in this that needs to be cleaned up. I wrote this within about an hour and wanted to just get some initial feedback story-wise. With the information provided, I will go back and try to make corrections to this. Thanks for checking this story out.

Rob


"Why don't we just...wait here for a little while...see what happens?"

MY WORK

2 versions of my short script: "Writer's Block"? Why not.

Version 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmMqDVoAwCA

Version 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuSg1vZ50GQ

My lame webpage: http://tailbest.blogspot.com/
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
TheRichcraft
Posted: April 11th, 2010, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
225
Posts Per Day
0.06
A bit too predictable given the Church's recent scandals.

Was Brian somebody who wanted the Priest's "love?"
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
dogglebe
Posted: April 12th, 2010, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



I thought this script went on too long, especially when I think you missed the real meat of the story.

SPOILERS

Brian seeks revenge on a priest who molested him as kid.  The problem, for me, is that I didn't feel any of Brian's pains.  I didn't feel what he went through as a id; I don't feel what he's going through as an adult.  He and the priest are going back and forth:  "You molested me."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did..."  

It actually reminded me of the argument sketch from Monty Python.  You could easily take out the references of molestation and substituted stealing a car, and no one would be the wider.

Adam's character was not needed, and his part took 2.5 pages of a 10 page script.  The real story is between Brian and the priest.  If you rewrite this, you should concentrate on them and dig deep into what they're talking about.

Oh, and give Brian a better gun.  A light jacket can stop a .22 round.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 6
Forgive
Posted: April 14th, 2010, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1385
Posts Per Day
0.38
Hi - I enjoyed the read reminded me of  the Sixth Sense scene in the church - could Adam have been there to see the priest maybe? Like some of the others who gave feedback, it felt that there was no conclusion to it, and there was no real mystery as to who was right or wrong - I think there needs to be some clues as to who did what - maybe these clues could be evidenced if Adam was to be cut, and then the dialogue developed between the priest and Brian?

Simon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006