Quoted from dogglebe For what it's worth, my script is better...by a whole minute! Phil

I agree... although it wasn't bad

Quoted from Grandma Bear I agree... although it wasn't bad

Good feedback as to why... Very impressed.

I, myself disagree. At least I made a case in both...

Quoted from jwent6688 Good feedback as to why... Very impressed. I, myself disagree. At least I made a case in both...

I have commented on this writer's feature Grand Avenue, but because I didn't like it he never acknowledged my comment. Hence the none comment here.

You still have a problem?

Yep, you commented that you couldn't stand all of the character intros. Which sucks for a read, but not for a film. Short guy says this, fat guy says that. You all beat him up over his beginning cuz you don't SEE it on film.

It would be easy to discern the characters on film IMO. Cus you'd see it. Not read it.

You forgot to mention I didn't like it and didn't find it funny... I read 20 some pages....


And yeah, I have no idea how to SEE what I read!...  I'm "new" to reading scripts.


Still poor form from the writer not to comment and that's fine. We will not read each other's work, I imagine.

I've got a bit of a foot fetish thing. You flirting?? Nice toes.


Sorry Mancusi and Russo... sounds like a law firm. Will save this argument for proper place.

Good short IMO. Psst. Don't piss Pia off, She doesn't forget.

Just playing luv..

Quoted from jwent6688 Psst. Don't piss Pia off, She doesn't forget. Just playing luv..

No worries. Anyone who's ever talked to me knows I'm short tempered and aggressive and have a memory like an elephant...

PS. I'm working on it though. I'm currently making cute origami gerbils to help me deal with this.



















PSS. yes, that pic is for my foot fetish friends.

Well. She is a woman.

James,

You're my hero... (o:

But there's another writer attached to this and I don't want to disrespect him by hashing out GA - I'll respond to Pia in private.

Anthony

Anthony and Len

First off, I always give credit and admire a co-written piece as it’s something I don't reckon I could do. So well done on the collaboratin’

For me, this had its good and bad qualities.

In regards the good, I liked the dialogue between Kenny and Tom, it felt genuine and realistic. I loved how at first Kenny seems like the careless, road-raging trouble maker with Tom being the sensible one...until Tom nonchalantly chucks the empty coffee cup out the window. I know, it’s not near as bad as wanting to paintball fellow motorists, but still, it effectively undermines Tom's supposed nobler attitude from then on.

In regards what didn't work for me, the whole hitman surprise has been many times over. I can remember a number of shorts on this site alone that featured guys walking or driving, engaged in arbitrary conversation before they suddenly pull up beside some unsuspecting guy and whack him. So the concept itself lacks any originality, in my opinion.

This felt like a passage from something bigger. Not necessarily a criticism if its serving as a launch pad for a feature or longer short but as a standalone piece it doesn’t satisfy. Maybe I missed it, or just slow on the uptake but do we know why they kill Frank? I understand some dude called Madigan is presumably their boss who ordered this, but why? And why does Frank have an envelope of money and how do the guys know he'll have it? I'm guessing they know each other and some sort of interception/set-up/double-cross has gone on with Frank the victim, Tom & Kenny the perpetrators and Madigan the orchestrator but are we told anymore then this? I just felt dropped into the story where I was no more clueless by the time we reached the end.

Also, the final lines about the declining road may work as a witty delivery somewhere in the middle of the piece but placing it at the end, right after the shooting made it come off as long winded, awkward and ill-fitting. Just didn't sit right for me, felt very out of sync.

Some potential here, good initial banter but too much of a random WTF factor without any explanation (again, maybe I missed something entirely) for me to really connect with it.

Good luck

Col.

Hey Col,

Thanks for the read - as for collaboration, yeah, it was somethind different for me as well, but Lenny had the idea and a lot of the dialogue (the paintball and the fifteen minutes stuff was his), and I loved what he had, so I came in and tweaked, molded, etc.

As for the story, I guess for us it's less about the (SPOILER) and more about the theme, the ”honor among thieves” motif, and the juxtaposition between what they were worried about (getting speeding or littering tickets) and their ultimate actions.

And Lenny's having trouble validating his SS account so Don's helping him out and he'll be along shortly to thank everyone.

Again, thanks Col -

Anthony

I took a look at this over at Circalit.   Unfortunately, this script really didn't turn me on.  It just seemed too Pulp-Fiction wannabe - and to begin with Pulp Fiction is not one of my favourite movies.   Honestly, I think I'm just tired of stories about hit men - write about something else.

Michael

Michael,

Thanks for the read - appreciate that you tried it.

It's weird, because the ending was more of an afterthought. For us, it wasn't about hitmen - it was about the juxtaposition between, and the irony in, the pretend violence they wouldn't perpetrate and the real violence ultimately perpetrated (guess I can say it now because spoilers are out of the bag).

A shame that one film scene ruined it for everyone, huh? (0:

Thanks again - Anthony

AJ,

The bigger picture didn't get lost on me...I just think you shouldn't waste your talent writing about hit men in a Pulp Fiction style.  It's been done...find your own voice.

Well, not ever having seen Pulp Fiction, I was surprised by the ending.  I thought maybe the hitmen were going to pick up the third man and go partying.  Or even having a threesome.

After all, most sexual encounters happen in fifteen minutes, lol.