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Fifteen Minutes by Lenny Mancusi (lenman) and Anthony Russo (ajrscreenworks) - Short, Drama - Two men discuss life's little annoyances on the way to meet a friend. 6 pages - pdf, format
Needless to say, I had to read this piece. And I thought it was a good one. The characterization was realistic and very believable. Dialog was too; I've often had the paintball gun conversation in my car.
If anything, this seems like part of a feature. Maybe it's because you don't explain Frank at all. Maybe it's because I wanted to read more.
Actually the title comes from the fact that Kenny thinks everything takes 15 minutes to do. And yeah, we thought about going with "Mr." there, but it seemed overly deferential. In our minds, these were low level guys reporting to a mid-level guy...
And yeah, we were going for a "Pulp" vibe while trying not to stray too close as to draw comparisons.
Phil - awesome that you dug it that much. Thanks for checking it out.
AJ... Mancusi, huh! don't recognize your name... sorry
Your logline was great, because you didn't give nothing away, and if you had, wouldn't have been the same effect. Well, atleast for me. But this worked, so good on the both of you.
Not much to add, well written, quick read and a very good story. Could definitely be expanded.
I enjoyed this one, too -- though I am at a loss as to who your collaborator might be. Is that somebody we know?
Funny about the paintball thing. Like Phil, I have also had similar discussions. Weird. In my version, if a cop spots somebody with 3, the driver gets a ticket on principle alone.
This does indeed feel like something plucked from a larger work -- given the Madigan character who is only mentioned and never seen on-screen -- and the lack of any apparent motive for what Tom ends up doing. There is clearly more story surrounding this little episode.
We can fill in any necessary blanks in the story ourselves, of course -- it is not hard to conceive a scenario on our own -- and any further discussion of Frank might very well give away what you are doing with the end.
Given that, I would advise against adding too much. I mean, it does stand alone just fine. But some subtle foreshadowing might add a little extra edge to this, if you can come up with something appropriate.
Thanks for the read - it always makes me feel good when you chime in.
As for my co-writer, he's a friend of mine who was bitten by the bug, and who told me he had this idea for a story a while back. So we knocked it around a while and got it on paper. Hopefully you'll hear from him soon with his own stuff, though we plan to write two features together...
As for the story, yeah, this is just a snapshot in the lives, so to speak, and we wanted the audience to fill in their own blanks, which as you said is not very hard to do...
KENNY What, Tom? I know you saw that. He changed lanes without signaling. TOM So do a lot of people. Gonna give yourself a stroke one day, Kenny.
Again with the names in the dialogue. You could just cast them as driver and passenger. Especially in a short. Do you talk to people you've known for years like this??? feels off to me. Just sounds more pro to me if you leave them out. Rarely do we use each other's names when talking. Especially back to back like that.
Used to keep eggs in my car. Somebody cut me off, I'd pull in front of em and lob one backwards on their windshield. Became a pretty good shot over the years.
Darn good. realistic characters and dialogue. Feels like the start of a feature. Or an outake of one. Like the rant about gelatin ball guns.
As for the names, yeah, I would agree that it's not something that would happen in real life; but in a short, I think you have to force-feed it a bit in order to make your characters seem real. The feedback we're getting on Circalit is that people can "identify" with these guys (don't know if that's a good thing) and I think that's probably because they know them as Kenny and Tom...
Yep, you commented that you couldn't stand all of the character intros. Which sucks for a read, but not for a film. Short guy says this, fat guy says that. You all beat him up over his beginning cuz you don't SEE it on film.
It would be easy to discern the characters on film IMO. Cus you'd see it. Not read it.
First off, I always give credit and admire a co-written piece as it’s something I don't reckon I could do. So well done on the collaboratin’
For me, this had its good and bad qualities.
In regards the good, I liked the dialogue between Kenny and Tom, it felt genuine and realistic. I loved how at first Kenny seems like the careless, road-raging trouble maker with Tom being the sensible one...until Tom nonchalantly chucks the empty coffee cup out the window. I know, it’s not near as bad as wanting to paintball fellow motorists, but still, it effectively undermines Tom's supposed nobler attitude from then on.
In regards what didn't work for me, the whole hitman surprise has been many times over. I can remember a number of shorts on this site alone that featured guys walking or driving, engaged in arbitrary conversation before they suddenly pull up beside some unsuspecting guy and whack him. So the concept itself lacks any originality, in my opinion.
This felt like a passage from something bigger. Not necessarily a criticism if its serving as a launch pad for a feature or longer short but as a standalone piece it doesn’t satisfy. Maybe I missed it, or just slow on the uptake but do we know why they kill Frank? I understand some dude called Madigan is presumably their boss who ordered this, but why? And why does Frank have an envelope of money and how do the guys know he'll have it? I'm guessing they know each other and some sort of interception/set-up/double-cross has gone on with Frank the victim, Tom & Kenny the perpetrators and Madigan the orchestrator but are we told anymore then this? I just felt dropped into the story where I was no more clueless by the time we reached the end.
Also, the final lines about the declining road may work as a witty delivery somewhere in the middle of the piece but placing it at the end, right after the shooting made it come off as long winded, awkward and ill-fitting. Just didn't sit right for me, felt very out of sync.
Some potential here, good initial banter but too much of a random WTF factor without any explanation (again, maybe I missed something entirely) for me to really connect with it.
Thanks for the read - as for collaboration, yeah, it was somethind different for me as well, but Lenny had the idea and a lot of the dialogue (the paintball and the fifteen minutes stuff was his), and I loved what he had, so I came in and tweaked, molded, etc.
As for the story, I guess for us it's less about the (SPOILER) and more about the theme, the ”honor among thieves” motif, and the juxtaposition between what they were worried about (getting speeding or littering tickets) and their ultimate actions.
And Lenny's having trouble validating his SS account so Don's helping him out and he'll be along shortly to thank everyone.
I took a look at this over at Circalit. Unfortunately, this script really didn't turn me on. It just seemed too Pulp-Fiction wannabe - and to begin with Pulp Fiction is not one of my favourite movies. Honestly, I think I'm just tired of stories about hit men - write about something else.
Thanks for the read - appreciate that you tried it.
It's weird, because the ending was more of an afterthought. For us, it wasn't about hitmen - it was about the juxtaposition between, and the irony in, the pretend violence they wouldn't perpetrate and the real violence ultimately perpetrated (guess I can say it now because spoilers are out of the bag).
A shame that one film scene ruined it for everyone, huh? (0:
The bigger picture didn't get lost on me...I just think you shouldn't waste your talent writing about hit men in a Pulp Fiction style. It's been done...find your own voice.
Well, not ever having seen Pulp Fiction, I was surprised by the ending. I thought maybe the hitmen were going to pick up the third man and go partying. Or even having a threesome.
After all, most sexual encounters happen in fifteen minutes, lol.
Whhops. Hit the post reply too quickly. The hitmen sounded like a married couple with their arguing, which prompted me to think that maybe they and the third man were going to do something together.
I really hate gratiuitous bumps, so hopefully this is not considered one.
We found out that production on this started over the weekend, and the final product should be done, weather permitting (it's filming in Canada) in a couple of weeks.
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Fifteen Minutes
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although it wasn't bad
Just playing luv..
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