Gary,

This was nice.  I think if it had been included with the other OWCs it would have broken the top 10.  Had some very funny moments (dick twitch line) and some amusing banter.

I think the dialogue dragged a bit in the middle with the bouncing of subject to subject and some of the fellas' ramblings came out as awkward for me (for example, when going into their pitches it seemed like there should have been more or they were about to further explain the concept before they abruptly stopped.  Seemed like there would have been more and/or smoother transitions from one guy to another), but on a whole there was some funny stuff in here.

So nice work.  I'd say submit it with the rest of the bunch next time...even though the last OWC was drama, but we all know how that turned out.

Greg

Greg,

As always, thanks for reading and your comments.

Yeah, the transition stuff could have been smoother, These things are obvious when you get comments, not so obvious when writing the script. I'm glad you thought parts of it were funny.

I was hesitant to submit for the OWC because it was off assignment. But, you're right, I should have put it in.

Gary

Grademan,

I enjoyed this one.  It did start a little slow IMO but turned out well.  I thought your dialogue was fine.  Hell, I spend more time on trying to write my own dialogue for my scripts.

A few chuckles.  Can't fault your writing man, so... wait!  Page#3 "The they."  ???

Good job

Ghostwriter

Thanks Ghost!

As always, I appreciate the read and comments. I agree the start was slow but I wanted to get the characters some flesh. AJR suggested I go from the parking lot to the pitch which would def. help kickstart it.

Page 3 error "The they" Dam damn you found it!

Dialogue is always tough, uh, important. I' ve heard of writers who write the dialouge last. And I've heard of writers who write it first. Eihter way we gotta write it.

Gary

I thought it would've been interesting to switch characters' traits, but I still love it as it is.

Thanks.

t

Thanks T for the read. I thought about that as I was putting it together but decided on the characters as is. The fat guy drives a Prius and thinks he's being responsible but is a carnivore and the thin guy drives a fossil fuel guzzler and eats sushi. Good idea to add to my mental check list before submitting.

Glad you liked it. Welcome to SS!

Gary

Gnaw means to chew, generally when used as a negative its spelled nah or naw.

Other than that funny stuff.  Was just thinking, since the producer wanting this type of script seems a little hard to buy, what if it was implied that he just made up the challenge for his own entertainment of listening to the two fumble out ideas?  makes its a little more demeaning to them.

Really good banter between the two of them, batting the ball as they pitch.  Fun stuff.

Thanks jackx for the read!

Glad you liked the banter - it was the fun part of writing this.

Gnaw was an intentional mispelling - a bit of self wit for the executive.

Yeah, the reason for wanting the script was originally due to the Development suits looking for new movie ideas but for some reason I left it out. It was the reason the executive was in a bad mood when the boys came to pitch.

I like where you are going with the demeaning intent of the executive.

Gary

Gary,

Thanks for the read on Widow's Walk. The second draft should be up soonish.
Since you were kind enough to post links in your signature, thought I'd give this a read.
Pitch reads very breezy, it reminds me of the feature, "My Favorite Year." Love that one.
I can see Jim Carrey and Zack Galifinakis chewing up the scenery!
What this may lack in dramatic structure it makes up for with being a fun read.
Thanks for the post! I look forward to checking out one of your features.

Regards,
E.D.