Hey, Clorox.

Hmm.  I think this one is a little bit too ambiguous for me.  Maybe a lot too ambiguous.  I think a lot more things have to be cut and dried to make this story work.  It's very jumbled in the fact that you got a ton of information squeezed into the action blocks and what the character feels sardine-canned into one, long, somewhat rambling dialogue.

It's even jumbled in the fact that you only have one space after all your periods, instead of two spaces to break the sentences, kind of like this was for a contest and you weren't aloud to go past two pages.

I'm not saying that the story needs to be given up on, but as it is now, it needs elaborated upon.  In fact, the only word that comes to mind when I think back to this story is 'sardinecan', and not because of the fact that it's about a man in a room, but that there's just way too much information squeezed into two pages.

-  Mark

Hey Clorox,

I really couldn't get into this story. Is this metaphorical? Did this really happen? Ambiguous maybe? Also, I have to agree with Mark in that it feels condensed into a two page script. The speech by the main character did feel too long. I lost track of what was being said by Charlie after a while. If the story was longer, maybe the details could flow more naturally? I did like some of the imagery you provided regarding to the locked room, though.

tailbest