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Can't say I like it or that it works. IMO, it's way overwritten in almost every passage. Considering it's only 2 pages, with 1 of those being a SUPER long speech, that's a problem. To make matters worse, I "knew" the password almost immediately.
Visually, there's not much here at all. And again, with that long speech by Charlie, with absolutely nothing going on while he's giving it, it's just not going to cut it visually at all.
You didn't even bother to give us an age for Charlie, which, again, just kills any kind of visual we could get here.
It's interesting, in a strange way, but I;m afraid that's about it.
Good to see you put something up. You always comment on story. Never formatting. The only thing there I really have to point out is the WOMAN ON SPEAKER would be better WOMAN (ON SPEAKER). Let's us know that it is a V.O.
I'm guessing this room is someone's heart. Someone wounded, not ready to let themselves be emotionally attached again.
I don't know if that's right. Sounds like the woman is trying to coax her own heart to open again. If it's Charlie's, why is he in the room?
That long block of dialogue, though excruciatingly long, is quite good.
But, as Jeff pointed out, That doesn't make very good film.
I like the idea. Bit on the fence with this one. Glad to see you post something.
So ol' Clorox, more often than not lurking about with some snide yet telling comment, bravely posits something of his own for the wolves.
I have been curious what you might bring to the table, though I must say this piece feels quite tentative in its brevity.
The speech is a bit elongated, but clearly forms the backbone of this short piece. It is a tad repetitive at points, however, and could use a small trim. Livelihood is a single word, and you've got a your when you mean "you're".
It is clearly meant to be metaphorical. Perhaps this man is preparing to propose to a woman, but has his doubts? Or is considering divorce? Something like that is what I overlay on this scenario, anyway.
There are plenty of visual elements for me, and I like asides done for the reader's benefit, provided they are succinct, used well and sparingly, as you have done.
I am left to wonder why Charlie does not enter the code himself, to be revealed to us later, after he has left the room. That is the way I would have done it.
But then maybe I do not understand all of it. You will have to check in at some point with your own thoughts.
Perhaps like God was talking through the speaker and the door was to heaven and as the wire fell, you could almost hear the solid beeeeeep of a heart monitor in the distance.
Please don't anyone use this to trigger some debate about faith. That is not my intention.
The rat though didnot mean anything to me. Was it supposed to?
Thought provoking though. Actually other than that one very long block of dialog which could be broken up I liked it.
For a 2-pager, this works for me. The setup and the atmosphere was very intriguing, and it didn't drag on when the payoff comes.
The long block of dialogue from Charlie is alright. I lost track of what he was talking about when I was 2/3 of the way down his speech. Maybe you can trim just a little bit.
Writing itself is pretty good. I didn't mind the first chatty aside: .....a dingy room, the kind where you see in movies. But you can cut that out the second and third time you use it.
What could really ramp this up is to add an actual story behind it. Why Charlie is here to define love. But I guess that's not your purpose.
Anyway, I liked the way it is delivered. Good.
Herman
FEATURE:
Memwipe - Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
Interesting conceptual piece you have here. I agree with the above that the speech is long winded and at times repetitive but then again he is meant to be expatiating on the meaning of love so it should take a while.
I think the fact that Charlie's explanation is jumbled and lacking clarity in places works well and adds an authenticity to what he's attempting to convey. "On the nose" it certainly is not and that's the way it should be.
As for the set-up and thought process behind Charlie's definition...man, his wife seems like a needy bit?h!
I liked the image of the wire from the speaker dropping to the floor from the ceiling and the closing shot of L O V E on the combination, nice visuals there.
Thought this was a very interesting, and dare I say, scary concept (at least for us men). I enjoyed the vibe you were able to create with this piece (I thought the rat was a ncie touch), and all in all I rather enjoyed it.
As far as the long blcok of text. Well, I don't get why people need constant visual stimulation when watching a movie. Quite frankly, that kind of attitude, begets schlock like the subsequent "Saw" films, and "Transformers". Sure that stuff has its place, but I see no reason why people can't spend 25 seconds actually listening to what a character has to say.
As far as what this character says, I think I would agree with Col. and some others that it could probably be tightened up in a few places as it does seem to repeat, but I would by no means stirke the whole thing. It's the heart of the story.
...but then again he is meant to be expatiating on the meaning of love so it should take a while.
I think the fact that Charlie's explanation is jumbled and lacking clarity in places works well and adds an authenticity to what he's attempting to convey, on the nose its certainly is on and that's the way it should be.
Your take on the explanin' part is pretty much how it's conveyed.
I don't get the reasoning behind this short. As pointed out I probably should have read the logline beforehand, but as ever I always read the story first to see what it's all about.
Not sure how a locked room would give this man more motivation to define love in a more accurate assessment than say a coffee shop.
I agree a V.O. is best.
With this rat, are you hinting that Charlie is a rat?
Interesting. After reading this twice, I am convinced it is... interesting.
Charlie is reluctant to say he is in love, really in love, and is a prisoner along with the other rats in a cell of his own vision. When he's confessing about how he knows what love is. he comes across as something he's been thinking about but his innerlock is preventing him from his realizing he does reluctantly know the definition of love. The woman is not asking if he loves her just that he has the capacity for love.
Interesting take on a man's indecision re: love. Good job.
Robert Frost - “Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”