SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 5th, 2020, 8:12am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author      (currently 2472 views)
Don
Posted: November 1st, 2010, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13557
Posts Per Day
1.93
Forced Donation by Darren J Seeley - Short, Thriller - Even the urban legend of stolen kidneys has to start from somewhere. 10 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
BurntSushi
Posted: November 2nd, 2010, 8:28am Report to Moderator
New-ish


Location
New Bedford, Ma
Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
It's not bad. I'd like to see a bit more character development, but with the right casting they can really pop on their own. My only other real gripe is with the ending, I don't feel great about it, but that's my own personal taste. I was looking for a twist or a more climatic ending. Also, I'd change the order of their "parting words" on the note, switching Todd's and Alex's, I think it would flow a little better. But again, overall not bad.

I really like how they took out Jack instead of Alex, and it's safe to assume Alex knew what was going on. Good job.


Current Projects:
Me and You, Kiddo - Feature, Drama (est. 90 pages)
Gesundheit - Short, Dramedy (est. 20 pages)
Logged Offline
Private Message Windows Live Messenger Reply: 1 -
grademan
Posted: November 2nd, 2010, 9:24am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
877
Posts Per Day
0.22
DJS,

Interesting piece.  An urban legend told with a twist.  Couple of things:

> could use a little bit more time with the characters.  Perhaps some time with Sophie and the victim, the boys waiting in the room.  It might also build tension.

>  Dialogue was okay.  Nothing good or bad to point out.

> The story started, was told, and then you got out.  It helped with the pace for this one.

>  Thought it was strange how the organ thieves cleaned up after themselves. I'm also not sure how marketable an organ obtained in this manner really is.  But that wasn't the point.

>  I kept expecting someone to knock on the door and interrupt the thieves.

Overall, good effort.

Gary
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 -
Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 8:56am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

Location
Los Angeles
Posts
2747
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hey Darren!

Congrats on banging out another script!
I like the idea of organ harvesting, I think it would make an effective thriller.
Perhaps something feature length involving time limits with replacing organs.
Liam Neeson could go around punching people looking for his spleen!

Your dialog and technical prowess are on fine display once again.
Your characters didn't grab me this time around.
I didn't get a sense of urgency from the harvesters either.
I kept expecting someone to come to the door.
Perhaps a pulled fire alarm from a mutinous member, some kind of suspense.

p. 2 The something wrong with the cooler description threw me. I stopped reading.
Perhaps there's a better way to say that, as is, I reread the scene and lost my place.
The ending was kinda flat, I think ending with Alex's line would be better.

It might be the delicious gin talking, but I think the title should be "Room Service".
You know, one of the harvesters rolls a tray into the room and pulls off the cover...
and its scalpels and tongs instead of lobster! Dun dun dun DUUUN!

Solid effort and thanks for the post, look forward to more from you!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 -
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41

Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Hey Darren!

Solid effort and thanks for the post, look forward to more from you!


Thanks, ED. You won't have to look far.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 4 -
Ryan1
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1101
Posts Per Day
0.30
Wow, you are prolific, Darren.  I thought this one was good and to the point.  I like how you jumped directly into the story without wasting banter between Andrew and the girl.  The icy dialogue from the characters as they harvest the organ really made them detestable, which is a good thing in this case.  They talk about the guys insides like they were shopping at Kroger.

Then it was nice to see them turn on one of their own.  And from the final lines of dialogue, they know the same thing could happen to any of them at some point down the road.

Format was clean and the story flowed well.  I suppose I was hoping for one final twist at the end, perhaps involving Andrew when he wakes up.  But overall, a solid job.

ryan  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 -
Baltis.
Posted: November 3rd, 2010, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



10 pages, with maybe no promise of a larger piece???  I don't think the 1st 4 pages are written economically enough.  There is way too much banter between them.  Most of itbeing redundant banter.  We know, by page 2, because you set it up pretty well, that's who these people are and that's what these people are going to do and continue to probably do in the future.  

A missed chance at building suspense unfolds over the next 6 pages, which are written really well.  I just think you gave too much attention to forcing these characters onto us, rather than letting us get the gist and then piecing the rest of the puzzle together as we witness more of their antics.

As I said, if it's apart of a larger project, go for it.  Keep the expositions intact... If not, do away with some of it.  Too much of the same stuff is being addressed within the 1st 4 pages and the argument that ensues over who's going to be in the closet next time really isn't warranted.  

Good read at all otherwise, though.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 6 -
DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: September 20th, 2012, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Michigan.USA
Posts
1428
Posts Per Day
0.41
As soon as the sub que is back up, I'm going to ask Don put up the revised version that was shot recently (it's in post) so folks can see a side by side comparison and, when the short goes on the 'net later this year or early next, whichever comes first.

The same folks who shot this are also going to shoot my 'Mister Y' script too.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
Logged Offline
Site Private Message AIM YIM Reply: 7 -
DV44
Posted: September 20th, 2012, 10:10pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
California
Posts
513
Posts Per Day
0.18
Hey Darren- Nice job. Well written. You do a great job with the visualization of the story. Best of luck-
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 -
Pale Yellow
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 6:46am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
2053
Posts Per Day
65.34
Love the title...love the way they turned on their own.

Funny to see this...I wrote a 'cheezy horror' about organ snatching too... called Flagged For Removal for some film guys here....when it's done, I'll post it! I like yours better though!

The dialogue can get a lil confusing when reading but this will film great and I can't wait to see it.

Good job Darren!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 -
XL
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 8:37am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Like the title, like where you're going...

JACK
Still needs to be more money in
this line of work.

I do the same thing. After reading our own stuff a zillion times, we stop seeing and glaze over.

John
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 -
Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 11:58am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1359
Posts Per Day
0.25

Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
... the short goes on the 'net later this year or early next...

The same folks who shot this are also going to shoot my 'Mister Y' script too.


Congratulations! Look forward to seeing it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 -
GabrielS
Posted: December 13th, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
New-ish


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
Why water (melted ice) weight less than the ice itself?

I don't believe in the characters or the storie, it needs a lot more work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 -
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006