Hey Ray, just came upon this...

I can't say I like anything about it, sorry to say.  It's really odd, as it seems to try to be a number of different things, while being nothing really at all.

The graphic nature seems to swing in the horror genre, maybe even torture porn in a way.

The fact that you've got animals acting like humans, seems to say it's all a joke, maybe an animated dark comedy.

But you don't have a single named character (no characters at all, really).  You really don't have any dialogue.  You've got a nameless V.O. speaking throughout the entire script.  And there's no story whatsoever.

I understand this is some kind of exercise, and apparently you've succeeded in what you wanted to do (based on your comments here).  That's all fine and good.  Now, you need to write an actual script that your readers can enjoy.

Writing-wise, there are numerous issues, but IMO, they aren't a big deal, because of the subject matter at hand.  What I mean is that it's easy to overlook these tech issues, because of the graphic, unpleasant, and painful read you've put us through.

You've definitely stepped outside the box here, dude, so Kudos for that.  Keep at it!

Ray,

I read this and have some thoughts on it. The writing itself was fine and not too descriptive. You're getting much better there.

The problem for me was the story itself. First off. who's doing the (V.O.)? Man, woman, child, monster... I think we need to know that in order to get a better feel for the tone you want.

You have this categorized as horror. This wasn't a horror film for me. I imagined it as animated btw which you probably intended. Otherwise it would be pretty expensive to film.  I pictured it drawn crude and hard, but maybe that's just me. Animated can still be horror but this was more like horrific drama or maybe even documentary. I'm a horror fan and this didn't scare me even once. It was just an unpleasant look at where our meat comes from. No one is going to be surprised or enlightened by this. I'm sure most people know what the slaughter process is. We chose not to think about it because it is unpleasant and that's how I felt about this script. It was unpleasant. There was no story either, no protag, no antag so other than being reminded why I'm a PETA member it didn't work for me.

It also went on too long IMHO. By page 2 I knew what this was going to be about so the rest of the pages just confirmed it.

Hope this helps in the rewrite should you chose to do it.

Pia  

Just now reading through the other comments and I agree with the vegan  OWC. Someone wrote a really good one that was something along these lines. Can't remember right now who wrote it but it was one of the better ones. You might want to check that out.  

This read like a public service announcement for PETA and, unfortunately, it went on way too long.  Three pages would've been a good length for this.  I wasn't shocked or horrified by this, but I did get annoyed with it.  You don't have to show us everything.  In fact, you'd probably get your point across--and get more followers--if you took a lot out.


Phil

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

AUTOMATED just submitted.
Should be up in a couple weeks or so.

Finished it yesterday.
Got tired of niggling little words around today and just sent it.
At some point, when I find myself moving rice grains about a plate with a chopstick, I get tired of it and quit.

Okey doke, back to you sick puppies...


Matias -
Ray, my man, what have you been smoking buddy?
Buddy, I am smokin'!
Nope. 'fraid this all comes au natural. Scary, eh?

No no no no. The point is that there is no point.
It's a examination of self.
"I'm watching a human being being processed like meat and... it's really not that disturbing. In fact", as you state "the process starts to feel a bit repetitive."
And THAT is the point.
What does it say about the viewer (readers, here) when this is no longer disturbing?

Dark comedy/drama on que!


Clorox -
My first thought is that this strikes me as activist, maybe it's not, just something out there on the fringe
H3ll no.
Activists are wieners too stupid disorganized to pursue legislative means to achieve their goals.
I'm 100% A-Ok with eating animals. Pfft. That's why I have opposable thumbs, stereoscopic vision and enzymes for digesting fat and protein.
Eat 'em if you can catch 'em!

The youtube vids seem inhuman, and that comes from us humanizing animals in film (thanks, Walt).
LOL! Nope. That's humanity for you, in all it's dirty glory.
Just think, a few hundred years ago families each farmed their own herds and flocks, killed and prepped their own livestock, sat down around the table and thanked God for their blessings.
Nowadays, people thrive on their deliberate, Pontius Pilate ignorance.
I want to like people, but...


Jeff -
It's really odd, as it seems to try to be a number of different things, while being nothing really at all.
Nope. This one was trying to be one thing and it clearly failed to appeal to anyone who remarked on it.
100% my bad.
Owning it.
Try new stuff and it'll sometimes fail. H3ll. Often they fail.

But you don't have a single named character (no characters at all, really).  You really don't have any dialogue.  You've got a nameless V.O. speaking throughout the entire script.  And there's no story whatsoever.
See, there you go. You are dead on balls right.
There are no characters ('cause there aren't s'posed to be none!).
The nameless VO (gender of which is quite irrelevant) dialog provides "educational" statement of WTH you're looking at.
Story? We doan need no stinkin' story!

If you watch a five minute bit on poor little dark-skinned kids digging through a landfill then cherishing the day-old chicken bone leftovers to share with a three generation family - WHAT are you supposed to feeeeeel?
WHAT emotions should naturally arise within you?
When you watch a human being being processed and it registers as boring WHAT does that meeeeean?

Now, you need to write an actual script that your readers can enjoy.
On it's way, Big Guy! (Sick puppy # 12) LOL! Hope you like it - if only a smidgen.

You've definitely stepped outside the box here, dude, so Kudos for that.  Keep at it!
Thumbs up! Livin' life on the ragged edge of literature!


Pia -
The writing itself was fine and not too descriptive. You're getting much better there.
Thank you. Everyone's past grievances with me on the issue are just and warranted.

who's doing the (V.O.)? Man, woman, child, monster... I think we need to know that in order to get a better feel for the tone you want.
Didn't really matter to me. Failed to see why it would to others. Don't honestly comprehend (my fault) how that's relevant.
However, for future reference I shall flip a coin to determine such, when it's irrelevant.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean...
Point made.

This wasn't a horror film for me.
You're a meeeean spirited hard woman, Pia.
Juss jokin'.
It just shot way out into the bleachers. Bad swing on my behalf.

I imagined it as animated btw which you probably intended.
Um... nope. That actually would have defeated my point and purpose. It sanitizes reality.
Figured CG would come into play where props got expensive.

I'm a horror fan and this didn't scare me even once. It was just an unpleasant look at where our meat comes from.
And THAT's where I failed.
I wanted people to watch this and say "This isn't bothering me." but it seems no one took the next step and said "Why doesn't it."
I know where food comes from and I don't care. I'm cool with the process.
I ain't right though. (Shhh! Don't tell no one. It's a secret!)

It also went on too long IMHO. By page 2 I knew what this was going to be about so the rest of the pages just confirmed it.
Hope this helps in the rewrite should you chose to do it.
Well... that was kinda the whole point.
When being tortured for information, your torturer doesn't stop once you start crying. Or at least he shouldn't if he wants to keep his job. No. He keeps on pounding away until it's just ridiculous.

Now, here, this isn't even torture.
This is just plain old meat processing that goes on a bazillion times a day around the planet. Nothing special.
I just strung up people.

Civilized werewolves could very well cite the same the same grievances that you have.

Oh, this won't be re-written as intended - just more better.
It has inspired AUTOMATED though, complete with characters, dialog and story. No VOs. And it's more drama than horror by a long shot.


Phil -
This read like a public service announcement for PETA and, unfortunately, it went on way too long.  Three pages would've been a good length for this.
D@mmit! Phil!
Just kidding.
Blah balh blah I already said my thing to everyone else mister Jonny-come-lately.

I wasn't shocked or horrified by this, but I did get annoyed with it.  You don't have to show us everything.  In fact, you'd probably get your point across--and get more followers--if you took a lot out.
Next story coming just for you:
OUCH - Short, Drama.  A widdle boy gets a widdle cut on his widdle finger. His mom kisses it, makes it infected all better, puts a band-aid on it. All is well, until...
Happy?!



Thanks for reading and commenting, everyone.
I don't care what MangoMurph says about you guys.
Ya'll are great!

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Pia -
You really are pretty new here aren't you?
Yes, ma'am. Just fell off the turnip truck yessirday.  

Quoted from RayW You're a meeeean spirited hard woman, Pia.!

You really are pretty new here aren't you?  

Wow, bizarre! Very visual and I get the point about what we do to animals for our consumption and profit.

Reminds me of a Roald Dahl short story in his 'Kiss, Kiss' collection.

Uncomfortable and dark - I pictured the animals as cartoon characters but the human carcasses as real - very disturbing!

A modest proposal from the bovine set.

very realistic

I think you've turned me into a vegetarian so thanks for that.

A really well written script.