On The Other Hoof by Ray  - Short, Horror - The bistro tables are turned. Enjoy your lunch, (if possible). 8 pages - pdf, format

I had no idea what pneumatic meant. I mean, I guess that's what the dictionary is for.  He got her with that thing from No Country for Old Men. I think...

exsanguination -  Stop hurting my brain! Haha.

I'm halfway through the script, and it's becoming pretty repetitive. You're basically telling us what they do to cows, expect you are using humans. I already get it. So now I'm expecting the actual story to start.

So there was no real story, but I get your point. I think there have been many screenplays like this before though.

I do like the fact that you are really trying to prove a point, rather than just showing us blood a guts with a "twist" I appreciate that.

But as a screenplay, it needs work. You need to add in an actual storyline so we care about the events. I think you should have had a factory worker doing this to a woman. Then at the end, you reveal this is what they do to cows? I don't know. That wouldn't really work, but something along those lines so we are surprised.

Howdy, Jeanpierre

Thank you for reading and commenting.

Sorry about the vocab.  

Here's a video of that pneumatic gun in action. Note the coiled, red air hose.


Exsanguination is an industry term, and perfectly acceptable in dialog.
Coupled with a visual at the same time and the audience will get it pretty quick.
I know not to put such things into action lines, (Thank you, MC).
(insert loaded chuckle wryly)

Story... eh, this is a square peg.
Can't pound a square peg in a round hole.
I really wasn't gunning for a traditional character driven, obstacle conquering, climax achieving story.

Honestly, I wanted to dehumanize everything.
Just strip out all the topical emotion, leaving just a visceral detachment to a task which should provoke an emotional response but doesn't.
To me - THAT detachment and how easy it is to slip into - is the horror.

You're sitting in your comfy chair, waiting for your DVD horror movie to start and this short comes on.
"WTH was that?! That was pretty effin' weird. I'm supposed to be horrified, but I'm not. And maybe that means that I should be. Was I entertained? My God. What's wrong with me?" sorta thing.

No point really to prove. Blood and guts are incidental.
I don't mind at all knowing where my burgers and hot dogs and chicken fingers come from. Fine by me. Sux2B an animal. Grow opposable thumbs and stereoscopic vision if you don't wanna be eaten.

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau But as a screenplay, it needs work. You need to add in an actual storyline so we care about the events. I think you should have had a factory worker doing this to a woman. Then at the end, you reveal this is what they do to cows? I don't know. That wouldn't really work, but something along those lines so we are surprised.

I can do that.
No biggie.
That approach was considered before moving beyond it fairly quickly on the grounds of "been there and done that."

I just wanted to move away from the 8 color crayon box of emotions and poke around something a little deeper, disturbing on a different plane.

Once things are made personal it's easier to get over it by familiarity.
An odd little vignette would remain a little more timeless, I think.

Ray,

This was interesting.

At the beginning, I thought the voiceover was going to switch to an actual character on the train.

Documentary approach was okay.

Attention to detail was very realistic

Describing the process in detail at such length however was unnecessary

Payoff at the end wasn't there.  

This would an interesting entry for our summer OWC vegans versus carnivores.

Hope this helps.

Gary

Heya Ray,

Congrats on finishing another script.
This exercise was intriguing, but ultimately unsatisfying for me.
The documentary style did not grab me and the anthro animals added alienation.
I understand this is what you're going for, but it didn't pull me in.
I think I got your point by page three, but you went on for another four.
Everything is so dehumanized, I don't care what's happening.
The anthro animal fantasy element undermines any real themes for me.
It's told like an industrial documentary, but with fantasy animals.
I just plain don't get the point of that, it undermines any serious theme for me.

However, you stuck to your guns and carried out an interesting exercise.
That is to be commended, holding onto an ideal and getting it on the page, kudos.
That being said, I don't want to see any butchered kids in a script for a while.
Child mutilation really curdles my milk, let's not see any more of that for a while.

Thanks for posting and keep writing!

Regards,
E.D.

Hi Ray,

This is somewhat similar to Dumb Animals submitted to May OWC. Give it a read, many  selected it as their favorite. That one has a story and is not that educational)
I get the point though. --looks like something that took a lot of research. Still would be more interesting if it was about someone, about a character...

Lard - I associate it with hog's fat. I looked up in a dictionary, it returned "the rendered fat of hogs, esp. the internal fat of the abdomen." - but you are talking about human fat, why "lard" then?

Ray,

I can't say I like this. Why didn't the (V.O.) at least have a character heading? At least MAN'S VOICE. Just looked distracting without it.

As I got further into the script, I couldn't tell the difference between the dialogue and the action. They were both telling us what was happening on screen. Which is just a tutorial of a human being slaughtered like a cow. Gonna admit, I started to skim this at that point.

When this first started, I thought you had a great idea... Comparing the life of a human to that of a cow... The humans ride the train, bus, like cattle. The enter the office like cattle, arrive in their rows and enter their cubicles. "An electric shock stuns them." We see humans dazed within their computer screens, mezmerized.

I think that would be an interesting script. I know you were trying to get a point across. I'm among the belief "ignorance is bliss." I don't want to know what happens to cattle in slaughter houses. I love steak.

James

Gary -
Describing the process in detail at such length however was unnecessary.
I wanted to not just suggest the process and especially not just hit the highlights.
I wanted to drag the viewer through the entire process unwillingly.
Not just "kill it". "Over kill it".

When a viewer becomes tired of watching person after person, women and children, being being processed as meat, what does it mean?

Brett -
... the anthro animals added alienation.
Alienation as in... a distraction from the meat processing or from people being processed?

I think I got your point by page three, but you went on for another four.
Everything is so dehumanized, I don't care what's happening.
That was exactly the point - to make everything so dehumanizing, for the sake of self awareness.
Yeah? No? Paint drying?

It's told like an industrial documentary, but with fantasy animals.
I just plain don't get the point of that, it undermines any serious theme for me.
To add a sickening element to the story.
A thick gob of syrup on your burger or ketchup on your ice cream so to speak.

That being said, I don't want to see any butchered kids in a script for a while.
Child mutilation really curdles my milk, let's not see any more of that for a while.
Yeah, that stuff really strikes too close to home for me, as well, thus the inclusion.

Khamanna -
This is somewhat similar to Dumb Animals submitted to May OWC.
I'll go hunt that one down.
Thank you.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-MayOWC/m-1274489873/s-new/
- Just read it. Without any context of other entries "Yeah", kinda similar. Writer definitely was shooting for a traditional story and did fine.

Still would be more interesting if it was about someone, about a character...
Same as I replied to Jeanpierre, I really wasn't gunning for a traditional character driven, obstacle conquering, climax achieving story.

Hey! Thanks for the headzup on the correct def of lard!
I just thought it was fat in general.
Didn't know it was pig specific.
Good to know! I feel less eggnorint allreddy!

James -
Why didn't the (V.O.) at least have a character heading? At least MAN'S VOICE. Just looked distracting without it.
Just didn't think about it.
I suppose you're right and see your point. Duly noted.

The enter the office like cattle, arrive in their rows and enter their cubicles. "An electric shock stuns them." We see humans dazed within their computer screens, mezmerized.
Yeah, I really didn't want to PRESENT a social commentary so much as point a finger at the viewers and possibly make them question themselves.
"This is boring. Why is watching women and children being processed like cattle and then being fed to us not bothering me?" sorta thing.

I think that would be an interesting script.
I could easily do that, and I think any one of us could. And THAT was the reason why I didn't go that predictable "gag" route.
A minute into it we'd all be going "Ah ha ha. Cute. Funny. Okay... movin' rigt along."
I think people would dismiss that version PDQ, whereas this would've made them go "Ick."

I'm among the belief "ignorance is bliss." I don't want to know what happens to cattle in slaughter houses. I love steak.
I've an unreasonably strong stomach made possible by my cynical disposition toward people in general.
I love steak, too.
My kids still laugh when I drive by cattle farms, shaking my McD's double-fat-a$$-cheeze burger out the window, yelling like a lunatic (that I am) "I'M EATING YOUR AUNTIE! I'M EATING YOUR COUSIN! YUM, YUM!"
LOL!
My poor children.  



Thank you guys for taking the time to read and review with honest POVs, sincerely.
Gracias.

Quoted from RayW Brett - ... the anthro animals added alienation. Alienation as in... a distraction from the meat processing or from people being processed? I think I got your point by page three, but you went on for another four. Everything is so dehumanized, I don't care what's happening. That was exactly the point - to make everything so dehumanizing, for the sake of self awareness. Yeah? No? Paint drying?

Hey Ray,

Alienation as in I was looking for a way to get invested in the story.
The combo of fantasy and processing did not gel for me. So I kinda tuned out.
I'm not saying put a sunny character in there.
But I did not feel like the second half added anything to the first half of your script.
If you wanted to hit me over the head until I didn't care anymore, it worked.
I felt like numb cattle halfway through and conveyor belted through the rest.

E.D.

If you wanted to hit me over the head until I didn't care anymore, it worked.
I felt like numb cattle halfway through and conveyor belted through the rest.

Cool.
Then it worked! (For me, at least!)
I just fed you people and you were too numb to care.

Now, in daylight, tomorrow, watch the people around you, as if they were bugs, and question how many of them could be fed people so easily.
Sure, they'd b!tch and complain for a bit - as they kept eating.


I love people.
(Not really. Just a wee bit of sarcasm there.)  

Interesting idea, Ray.

I agree, in a way, with the other comments about this being repetitive and in need of a more traditional story structure. In a way though, I think you've achieved exactly what you set out to do. It's not a pleasant read and wouldn't be a pleasant watch but this could work as part of an anti-meat campaign or something.

Another way you could take this is as an animation and have it heavy in the dark humour. Make the animals your characters and that could help with making this a bit more of a traditional story. Maybe even have the narrator make an appearance at the end as a cow serving some guy a burger "Enjoy your meal" kinda thing. I got a black comedy vibe from this as it is anyway.

I think you can do a fair bit with this, if you choose to. Good stuff.

Ste

Hi Ray,

Well, I must say, I read this one a little while ago, and I've since had two beers while sitting in front of my screen and I still can't decide how I should respond to this one.

Like most of the other commenters, I thought this was an interesting concept, but ultimately I felt as though you could probably shave off a few pages and still get the same point across as some others have mentioned.  While I was okay with the documentary style in which you wrote it, and I could kind of picture it as some sort of creepy little short, I too would have liked a bit more story involved.  At the very least, I agree with Gary in that I would have liked the V.O guy to have ended up on the chopping block.  I think that would have added a creepiness factor to it, and it would have helped to give the audience a connection.

I dunno, while I think you obviously did a lot of research, and the writing was fine, I think this is going to be a tough pill for most people to swallow.  I actually clicked on one of the links you attached at the end...before quickly X'ing out before it could load.  Haha.  Ultimately, I'm like James in that I decided no need to mess up a good thing (i.e. meat).

Anyway, best of luck.

Craig

Ste -
... and in need of a more traditional story structure.
... I think you can do a fair bit with this, if you choose to.
By golly, you bunch of sick people, I'll do it! (I'm laughing, now)
You folks are just... not right.
I'll likely get it done in the next week or so.

I submitted ON THE OTHER HOOF on 12/2. Posted 12/15.
Expect something posted the first week of JAN amidst Phil's 3WC hoopla.


Craig  -
Well, I must say, I read this one a little while ago, and I've since had two beers while sitting in front of my screen and I still can't decide how I should respond to this one.
LOL! The consideration of an appropriate response speaks plenty alone.  

I too would have liked a bit more story involved.  At the very least, I agree with Gary in that I would have liked the V.O guy to have ended up on the chopping block.  I think that would have added a creepiness factor to it, and it would have helped to give the audience a connection.
Coming ya'll's way. In spades!

I actually clicked on one of the links you attached at the end...before quickly X'ing out before it could load.  Haha.  Ultimately, I'm like James in that I decided no need to mess up a good thing (i.e. meat).
LOL!
Documentary stuff doesn't bother me at all.
What disturbs me is when cr@p like that is presented as entertainment.

Like Brett/E.D. had brought up, kids getting butchered really isn't entertainment and crosses a boundary commercial film makers know not to broach.
I'm sure there's a black market for such, in fact I reasonably know the cops routinely investigate, shut down and ultimately prosecute child porn/prostitution and likely snuff films, too. When they're not busy shutting down the actual horror itself, of course.
People disgust me at times.


Meat processing as entertainment cuing up on deck, you sick puppies!

Ray, my man, what have you been smoking buddy?  

I get the fun of this. You use some very dark humor to make your point and it comes accross clearly. I'm all for crazy dark twisted stuff, so I get it.

Other posters have mentioned that once the point is made, the process starts to feel a bit repetitive. Have to agree there. It's quite a short short, so no biggie, but yeah, some trimming wouldn't hurt.

My main observation would be: the premise is absolutely outrageous which screams "comedy" yet the execution is disturbingly bloody. There's seems to be a disconnect in tone. Not much you can do about it, this is what this is, but I think it's worth mentioning though. Something to have in mind for your next piece.

Thanks for sharing.  

My first thought is that this strikes me as activist, maybe it's not, just something out there on the fringe. So...pushing aside my first thoughts, sorry, can't, but they are just my thoughts. I did watch the youtube stuff attached. This mirrors the youtube stuff. The youtube vids seem inhuman, and that comes from us humanizing animals in film (thanks, Walt).

Hey Ray, just came upon this...

I can't say I like anything about it, sorry to say.  It's really odd, as it seems to try to be a number of different things, while being nothing really at all.

The graphic nature seems to swing in the horror genre, maybe even torture porn in a way.

The fact that you've got animals acting like humans, seems to say it's all a joke, maybe an animated dark comedy.

But you don't have a single named character (no characters at all, really).  You really don't have any dialogue.  You've got a nameless V.O. speaking throughout the entire script.  And there's no story whatsoever.

I understand this is some kind of exercise, and apparently you've succeeded in what you wanted to do (based on your comments here).  That's all fine and good.  Now, you need to write an actual script that your readers can enjoy.

Writing-wise, there are numerous issues, but IMO, they aren't a big deal, because of the subject matter at hand.  What I mean is that it's easy to overlook these tech issues, because of the graphic, unpleasant, and painful read you've put us through.

You've definitely stepped outside the box here, dude, so Kudos for that.  Keep at it!

Ray,

I read this and have some thoughts on it. The writing itself was fine and not too descriptive. You're getting much better there.

The problem for me was the story itself. First off. who's doing the (V.O.)? Man, woman, child, monster... I think we need to know that in order to get a better feel for the tone you want.

You have this categorized as horror. This wasn't a horror film for me. I imagined it as animated btw which you probably intended. Otherwise it would be pretty expensive to film.  I pictured it drawn crude and hard, but maybe that's just me. Animated can still be horror but this was more like horrific drama or maybe even documentary. I'm a horror fan and this didn't scare me even once. It was just an unpleasant look at where our meat comes from. No one is going to be surprised or enlightened by this. I'm sure most people know what the slaughter process is. We chose not to think about it because it is unpleasant and that's how I felt about this script. It was unpleasant. There was no story either, no protag, no antag so other than being reminded why I'm a PETA member it didn't work for me.

It also went on too long IMHO. By page 2 I knew what this was going to be about so the rest of the pages just confirmed it.

Hope this helps in the rewrite should you chose to do it.

Pia  

Just now reading through the other comments and I agree with the vegan  OWC. Someone wrote a really good one that was something along these lines. Can't remember right now who wrote it but it was one of the better ones. You might want to check that out.  

This read like a public service announcement for PETA and, unfortunately, it went on way too long.  Three pages would've been a good length for this.  I wasn't shocked or horrified by this, but I did get annoyed with it.  You don't have to show us everything.  In fact, you'd probably get your point across--and get more followers--if you took a lot out.


Phil

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

AUTOMATED just submitted.
Should be up in a couple weeks or so.

Finished it yesterday.
Got tired of niggling little words around today and just sent it.
At some point, when I find myself moving rice grains about a plate with a chopstick, I get tired of it and quit.

Okey doke, back to you sick puppies...


Matias -
Ray, my man, what have you been smoking buddy?
Buddy, I am smokin'!
Nope. 'fraid this all comes au natural. Scary, eh?

No no no no. The point is that there is no point.
It's a examination of self.
"I'm watching a human being being processed like meat and... it's really not that disturbing. In fact", as you state "the process starts to feel a bit repetitive."
And THAT is the point.
What does it say about the viewer (readers, here) when this is no longer disturbing?

Dark comedy/drama on que!


Clorox -
My first thought is that this strikes me as activist, maybe it's not, just something out there on the fringe
H3ll no.
Activists are wieners too stupid disorganized to pursue legislative means to achieve their goals.
I'm 100% A-Ok with eating animals. Pfft. That's why I have opposable thumbs, stereoscopic vision and enzymes for digesting fat and protein.
Eat 'em if you can catch 'em!

The youtube vids seem inhuman, and that comes from us humanizing animals in film (thanks, Walt).
LOL! Nope. That's humanity for you, in all it's dirty glory.
Just think, a few hundred years ago families each farmed their own herds and flocks, killed and prepped their own livestock, sat down around the table and thanked God for their blessings.
Nowadays, people thrive on their deliberate, Pontius Pilate ignorance.
I want to like people, but...


Jeff -
It's really odd, as it seems to try to be a number of different things, while being nothing really at all.
Nope. This one was trying to be one thing and it clearly failed to appeal to anyone who remarked on it.
100% my bad.
Owning it.
Try new stuff and it'll sometimes fail. H3ll. Often they fail.

But you don't have a single named character (no characters at all, really).  You really don't have any dialogue.  You've got a nameless V.O. speaking throughout the entire script.  And there's no story whatsoever.
See, there you go. You are dead on balls right.
There are no characters ('cause there aren't s'posed to be none!).
The nameless VO (gender of which is quite irrelevant) dialog provides "educational" statement of WTH you're looking at.
Story? We doan need no stinkin' story!

If you watch a five minute bit on poor little dark-skinned kids digging through a landfill then cherishing the day-old chicken bone leftovers to share with a three generation family - WHAT are you supposed to feeeeeel?
WHAT emotions should naturally arise within you?
When you watch a human being being processed and it registers as boring WHAT does that meeeeean?

Now, you need to write an actual script that your readers can enjoy.
On it's way, Big Guy! (Sick puppy # 12) LOL! Hope you like it - if only a smidgen.

You've definitely stepped outside the box here, dude, so Kudos for that.  Keep at it!
Thumbs up! Livin' life on the ragged edge of literature!


Pia -
The writing itself was fine and not too descriptive. You're getting much better there.
Thank you. Everyone's past grievances with me on the issue are just and warranted.

who's doing the (V.O.)? Man, woman, child, monster... I think we need to know that in order to get a better feel for the tone you want.
Didn't really matter to me. Failed to see why it would to others. Don't honestly comprehend (my fault) how that's relevant.
However, for future reference I shall flip a coin to determine such, when it's irrelevant.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean...
Point made.

This wasn't a horror film for me.
You're a meeeean spirited hard woman, Pia.
Juss jokin'.
It just shot way out into the bleachers. Bad swing on my behalf.

I imagined it as animated btw which you probably intended.
Um... nope. That actually would have defeated my point and purpose. It sanitizes reality.
Figured CG would come into play where props got expensive.

I'm a horror fan and this didn't scare me even once. It was just an unpleasant look at where our meat comes from.
And THAT's where I failed.
I wanted people to watch this and say "This isn't bothering me." but it seems no one took the next step and said "Why doesn't it."
I know where food comes from and I don't care. I'm cool with the process.
I ain't right though. (Shhh! Don't tell no one. It's a secret!)

It also went on too long IMHO. By page 2 I knew what this was going to be about so the rest of the pages just confirmed it.
Hope this helps in the rewrite should you chose to do it.
Well... that was kinda the whole point.
When being tortured for information, your torturer doesn't stop once you start crying. Or at least he shouldn't if he wants to keep his job. No. He keeps on pounding away until it's just ridiculous.

Now, here, this isn't even torture.
This is just plain old meat processing that goes on a bazillion times a day around the planet. Nothing special.
I just strung up people.

Civilized werewolves could very well cite the same the same grievances that you have.

Oh, this won't be re-written as intended - just more better.
It has inspired AUTOMATED though, complete with characters, dialog and story. No VOs. And it's more drama than horror by a long shot.


Phil -
This read like a public service announcement for PETA and, unfortunately, it went on way too long.  Three pages would've been a good length for this.
D@mmit! Phil!
Just kidding.
Blah balh blah I already said my thing to everyone else mister Jonny-come-lately.

I wasn't shocked or horrified by this, but I did get annoyed with it.  You don't have to show us everything.  In fact, you'd probably get your point across--and get more followers--if you took a lot out.
Next story coming just for you:
OUCH - Short, Drama.  A widdle boy gets a widdle cut on his widdle finger. His mom kisses it, makes it infected all better, puts a band-aid on it. All is well, until...
Happy?!



Thanks for reading and commenting, everyone.
I don't care what MangoMurph says about you guys.
Ya'll are great!

---

---

Pia -
You really are pretty new here aren't you?
Yes, ma'am. Just fell off the turnip truck yessirday.  

Quoted from RayW You're a meeeean spirited hard woman, Pia.!

You really are pretty new here aren't you?  

Wow, bizarre! Very visual and I get the point about what we do to animals for our consumption and profit.

Reminds me of a Roald Dahl short story in his 'Kiss, Kiss' collection.

Uncomfortable and dark - I pictured the animals as cartoon characters but the human carcasses as real - very disturbing!

A modest proposal from the bovine set.

very realistic

I think you've turned me into a vegetarian so thanks for that.

A really well written script.