Too much talk, not enough show.  I like the idea but not the execution.

It's a good idea that the only detective in town is kidnapping people so he drums up business and creates work for himself.  Although it seems a bit of a wasted journey to go around town when all he could probably do is sit at home.

Definitely need to up the ante on this one.

Still good for an exercise though.

All the best.

Javier

Here is the final product. A lot different than what was originally done, but its all a learning experience for me!

http://vimeo.com/31472497

I think it turned out pretty good.

Congrats,

Cindy

I like the shot choices you made here.
It helped smooth over all the VO work.
The pan across to the side view mirror was a nice touch.
The wall mural of the tunnel was very cool too. Kudos.
Nice shots of the city, well done.

Regards,
E.D.

Good job to you and your crew, William. This work looks very pro. As mentioned, some of the shots are nicely done and creative. I am still a bit miffed by the story itself, as to what exactly happens, but this is a nice looking piece to have on your film reel.

James

Thanks, everyone! It was a good learning experience. The hardest thing to film was probably the tunnel sequence, due to having a generator on set to power the lights we set up! But, it was a lot of fun.

Nice script. A great noir feel to it.

Not going to mention everything that has been already said EXCEPT that there still weren't any clues to suspect the detective.

I watched the short film too. Didn't like it too much. When reading this, I was thinking of a Sin City tough guy monologue. I also thought the music was very unnecessary. It just takes you out of the mood. But saying that, I have seen a lot worse and I still enjoyed this.

Nice job on getting this produced

It's better directed than it is written, IMO.

I'm usually a defender of VO, but here you could actually have scrapped most of it and just told the story. No offence to your lead actor, but he's no Bogart. Ol' Bogie can ramble on all he wants and I'll just drink in that voice, but that's rarely the case with anyone else (Clive Owen in Sin City as a case in point). Your lead is a bit of a droner, but hey - monologues are tough to do.

The story itself felt like a pastiche rather than an authentic noir tale, although I didn't see the ending coming. By the way, it could have been effective to start in the car on the way to the lock-up, maybe cruising through the dark, so we think he's still continuing the search. Then back through the story, probably VO-less all the way (see the investigative stuff in Hitchcock's Vertigo, no VO there), then back to him pulling into the yard for the big reveal. Obviously it's too late to change now though.

I agree about the music, it's distracting. I actually checked to see if it wasn't coming from another program or tab, since it's so background it feels like it's there by accident. It also doesn't really fit the noir tone you've got going on.

BUT - some of the shots were cool (eg. the pan while he was taking photos that ended with the reflection in the wing mirror). and I'm a huge fan of B&W so kudos there. As a stab at a noir piece, it feels like a good attempt, directorially; I just don't think the script is at the same skill level. Consider collaborating next time, perhaps.

Yeah, I understand everybody's points. I'm still trying to get a feel for writing itself, but I'd rather direct.

As for the music, I liked it. Personal touch, I guess. As well as the lyrics are somewhat accurate if you listen.

But, it's all practice. I haven't gone to any film school, I just learn along the way!

Thank you all for watching