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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 8:24pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Servant by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - Hired to watch over her in the day while she sleeps. Stays up at night while she brings home dinner. Hunts those who want to put a stake through her heart. It's his job, and he's a professional Servant to a vampire. 20 pages - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: December 27th, 2010, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one, Darren, but I had some problems with it.  I got the impression that this was a first or second draft.  There were typos and a lot of awkward wording which I found distracting.

The story, itself, dragged.  You could tighten this up into a nice twelve or fifteen page script.  The big fight scene, I thought, went on way too long.  You can easily cut that in half.

Your main characters were interesting, though you could've done more with them.  I don't know if I missed it or if you chose not to include it, but I don't know who or what Shawshane is.  Everything else seemed simple enough.

The concept of a professional 'servant' is a good one.  It makes a lot of sense in a vampire world; beats the hell out of having a groupie watch over them.

While I said, earlier, that you should cut this down, the idea could be adapted into a feature length script.  THe concept is good enough.


Phil
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 28th, 2010, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Dogglebe.

Shawshane is a ghoul.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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