I liked Art's character and the story but this is too talky I think.
At places Art's dialog should be V.O.'ed perhaps. If you don't VO it then it's hard to visualize somehow for me.
Someone once told me that I should not repeat what I see on screen in V.O. For example if you show him removing tattoo's and then Art say's "I'm a tattoo remover". So I pass it on to you as I happen to agree with it. V.O. are hard for me, I can't do them right and I tried many times. --so good luck to you
I noticed he talks about vain men's tattoo's twice - probably should get rid of one. I do think you can cut a lot in here.
Once I had to screenwrite in word so that's what I did: I took someones an FDR script and determined the right way to format mine by manually comparing the margins. It helped a lot.

DELVECCHIO
Johnson Lamana. And he's not from
too far away from here. - that line sounds funny. Maybe re-tool it.

I'm a fan of double spaced slugs. Adds more white to the page. A cleaner read IMO. Yours is kind of cluttered. Not to mention your margins look off. Dialogue runs way heavy to the right side.

ART (V.O. throughout)
It's short for Arthur Lionel. - I've never seen this. I don't like it. It makes me think everything else said in this script is going to be (V.O.) Its not. Though, pretty close.

The ending? Was miffed by it. Guess Art is just taking the down payment and bailing on Delv? Though, you spent so many pages telling us how Art prefers his new job to whacking people. He seemed quite proud of it.  

I definitely think this could be tightened. Sounds like you've got a good nose for the tattoo biz, yet, it still went on too long. The ending needs some clarification IMO.

Hope this helps some. Good luck.

James

Mark,

Thought I'd check this out after you read Give Me a Break.  Sadly, I don't have anything particularly novel to add to what's already been said.

You've got such a cool premise here, but like it's been said before, the execution just isn't there.  The V.O goes on for far too long, and by the time you get back to the story, I'm basically checked out.

I do have one idea though.  Scrap this short.  Make it a feature.  Don't make it so that the guy does this for a living, because that's just too far out there.  Make it about a guy who is in debt for a bunch of money (a bit cliche, I know) to a well-known gangster, and the gangster gives him a chance to redeem himself by getting him the tattoo.  It's a bizarre, sick request and could play as a really twisted dark, action comedy. Also, making the guy a regular joe in debt to the mob creates a fish-out-of-water type scenario and gives us a reason to like the guy (as opposed to Art, who we hate because he's sick). I suppose you could always make it out to be a short, but it seems like you could have a really great premise for a feature here with a diabolically colorful villain (who fucking collects skin tattoos!)

Just a thought.

-Matt

Hey guys.

Thank you very much for taking a look at this.   Sorry if this sounds rushed but my wireless took a crap, so I'm at the library and rushed because I have to go to work in a few.

Khamanna,

Yeah, I didn't think a lot of people would like all the talkiness in the voiceovers.  I did it just to test myself to see if I could at least make things interesting while having heavy voiceover.  Thank you very much for taking the time to read and muddle through it, though.

James,

I've been wanting to play around with double-spacing or 1.5 spacing the slugs.  I like the scene separation.  That's why I like to bold them, too.

Yeah, I realize now I should have gone back and (V.O.) throughout.  Only reason I did it in the first place was not to be redundant.

Quoted from jwent6688 The ending? Was miffed by it. Guess Art is just taking the down payment and bailing on Delv?

Yeah, he is taking the $175,000 and bailing.  But only because he doesn't want to cut the skin off his own back.  Art's real name is Johnson Lamana, the one with the Vitruvian Man tattoo.  I very subtly hinted at it and that's why Art mentions about Delvecchio patting him on the back as he let him out of the office.  A couple people didn't get that, so I guess I made it too subtle.

Quoted from jwent6688 Sounds like you've got a good nose for the tattoo biz

Actually, not at all.  My ex-wife was into tattoos, (the whole arm sleeve and leg sleeve thing), but that's as far as I've ever gotten into the tattoo biz.  I just did a little bit of research into tattoos after the idea for this story popped into my head.  I don't even have any tattoos, although I have always wanted to get The Vitruvian Man.  I never got it though because I think I might have a little bit of an issue with having a penis on my back.

Thank you again for taking a look at this.

Hey Matt.

Quoted from Dressel You've got such a cool premise here, ....  I do have one idea though.  Scrap this short.  Make it a feature.

I never really had any interest into expanding Art's story, I think mainly because I have three other features on the stove that I'm working on already.  But so far, almost everybody's mentioned that this story has a great premise, so I'm guessing there has to be a great story for Art somewhere.  Lol.  If you're ever bored and looking for something to work on, I wouldn't mind it if you took the idea and ran with it.

Quoted from Dressel as opposed to Art, who we hate

Actually, what's funny is that a couple people said they liked Art's character, and while I was writing this, I didn't want Art to be a likable guy at all.  That's why I gave him a less-than-flattering description.  (Ugly and aging and stringy hair and potbelly.)

Art is actually based on an actual guy who used to live above me.  I was staying at this place (it was actually a mansion sectioned off into apartments).  It was pretty much a safehouse for people with unsavory pasts and nobody else would take them as a tenant.  Just a cheap place to live, really.

But one of the guys who lived in the attic said that he used to be a hit man for Jim Trafficant.  (A pretty popular politician here in Ohio who was just released from jail about a year ago.)  I don't really know if I believe him or not, he seemed pretty cracked out to be a functioning hitman, (I checked with a cop friend of mine and the guy did go to jail the same time Trafficant did), but he seemed like a pretty good character to base Art on.

Anyway, thank you very much for taking a look at this.  I'm glad you liked the premise for it, and sorry it was dry on the execution.  I was just trying out some things that were new to me and I'm definately taking it as a learning experience.

See you around.

- Mark

Man, glad I just read your explanation for the ending. I knew there was a twist, and that I was missing it. I'm still not sure where the clue was. Didn't show in the bathroom scene, I don't think.

I salute the creativity of this idea. And now that I understand the ending, my overall appreciation for this has shot significantly up. And tattoos are huge these days, so this type of short could really have a lot of interest with people.

In my opinion, the story needs a ton of work. The VOs are too long, and I am not one of those anti-VO people. Those VO dialogues could be cut by half, maybe more.

You could actually cut this all down to 5 or 6 pages. And then add something else.

For example, what happens when you forcibly remove a tattoo? First, what happens to the tattoo. You briefly mention things like storing in mineral water and laminating. I just can't really picture what happens. Skin stretches, or contracts. That will effect the work. So even assuming you had a willing person donating living skin, what is the process?

Then, we are talking about victims here, not people willing. What happens to them? Are they unconscious? Are they awake? Are they given skin grafts?

Could we maybe see one of the collectors of this art? How do they display it? What kind of people are they that they pay for this?

These are my thoughts, Mark. I know some of that might require difficult research too. I think you have a great concept with the idea of the tattoo removal market. I think the twist at the end is a fantastic one. I think with a simplified dialogue and the addition of a couple quick shots you have something.

Hey leitskev.

I'm really glad you liked this, (minus the long V.O. rants).  I'm also kind of glad it was the ending that seemed to save it for you, too.  I was hoping it would be that way for everybody, but it seems that long voiceover crutch is too big to overcome for a lot of people.  Lesson learned.  At least this ended up being a story that was really fun for me to write.

Quoted from leitskev I'm still not sure where the clue was.

Well, I guess it really wasn't so much a clue as it was just hints earlier in the story that had to be tied in to what was said at the end to be able to put everything together.

For instance, when we first meet Art and Delvecchio, Art tells him that the Vitruvian Man is his favorite piece of artwork ever.  At the end, it becomes known that Johnson Lamana's favorite piece of artwork is the Vitruvian Man.

In the middle of the story, Art's talking about the tattoos that he has.  He has one on his back that a friend of his did a long time ago as a thanks for a favor, right after high school, then goes straight into talking about his other tattoo.  At the end, Anil Gupta shows Delvecchio a picture out of his high school yearbook, the kid who he gave a tattoo for free in return of a favor.

Then of course, Art focusing the attention to Delvecchio patting him on the back as he walks out of the office.

I know those were very very subtle things to put together, more like wordplay if anything, I think.

Quoted from leitskev For example, what happens when you forcibly remove a tattoo? .... Skin stretches, or contracts. That will effect the work. So even assuming you had a willing person donating living skin, what is the process?

Those are some very good questions.  Especially since, one day, someone will actually have to deal with those questions.  When that guy with the Virgin Mary tattoo really does die, it'd be really interesting to see the process they do use to remove it and how they deal with those problems.

It'd also be interesting to work those questions into a feature if I ever get the mind to come back to this story again.  I noted in the story about soaking it in oil and mineral water because I did come across an article where a family had a journal that was binded in the skin of an enemy of the family sometime in the 1800's.  They mentioned something in the article about when the journal was made, that the skin was soaked in oil and mineral water first, but I don't know if it was to stop the skin from expanding and contracting, or to preserve pigmentation, or it might have been to give the skin some flexibility since it was for the binding of a book.  It would be a lot of research to get into, but it'd be really interesting.

Quoted from leitskev Then, we are talking about victims here, not people willing. What happens to them? Are they unconscious?

Another part of the story I never dealt with.  I did have it in the back of my mind though, since he was a hired professional, he'd have skills at capturing people and sedating him.  Or chloroform, possibly.  Another interesting thing to get into if this story gets expanded.


Thank you very much for taking a look at this, leitskev, and letting me know what you think.  I saw you've been doing a lot of reading on the site and have some interesting input on people's work.  I'll be checking out 'Scottish Lulluaby' for your one week challenge.  If you have any other work posted or something you'd like somebody to take a look at, just let me know.  I'd be glad to take the read.

- Mark

The thing about the journal from the 1800s, unless I am wrong, is that they made the skin into parchment, THEN used it. Preserving something already on living skin would be a challenge. Especially for Vitruvian Man, in which dimensions need to be perfect, so any stretching or shrinking would ruin it.

All of which could be used though. Vitruvian would be a much bigger challenge than say an impressionistic piece, which could be incorporated into the story.

I think they found tattoos on the Ice Man they found years ago in the Alps. There would be examples of tattoos on dead skin that are well known, probably.

That's the other thing with Vitruvian; skin stretches over time on a living person too, changing the dimensions. Maybe the artist found a way to accommodate that.

I am not anti-VO. I just thought he was very wordy, especially for a hitman. I picture hit men as men of few words. They can be well chosen words though. I also picture a hitman, at least a movie version, as working alone, so possibly a man of introspection and deep thought. This is definitely how I picture your hitman. So I would like to see him with something to say, something thoughtful, but said with an economy of words. Each of his words is meant to impact, just like he wastes no bullets.

Everyone hates flash, but that could be a possibility here. Like for example show his first job request for a tattoo, and some of his work.

If you decide to play with this script again, you have plenty of options to consider. I think trying to make a powerful, memorable short and get it filmed could be better than a feature. Only because there is so much potential for hitting the niche market of tattoo people, and probably almost everyone at a film festival has a tattoo.

Quoted from leitskev Vitruvian would be a much bigger challenge than say an impressionistic piece, which could be incorporated into the story.

Yeah, I should've showed just how complicated it would have been to get that piece on a person's body.

Quoted from leitskev I just thought he was very wordy, especially for a hitman.

No doubt I went overboard with his monologue.  I think I was just trying to appeal to the tattoo market, which, like you had said, is getting huge.  (How many people do you know these days between 18-35 who don't have a tattoo?  Besides me.  :-)  )

Writing this from the short story, I was considering cutting all that extra jazz, but I decided to throw it in to see what kind of response it would get.

Quoted from leitskev I think trying to make a powerful, memorable short and get it filmed could be better than a feature

My personal interest in this story was only keeping it a short.  I think all the things people have mentioned and with everything you brought up, there's definately room for this story to grow, but I think you are right and a short would be better because of hitting that tattoo market niche.

Thank you, again, leitskev, for telling me your thoughts.

- Mark

Mark,
I loved the script.  I also agree with a lot of what people said.  So much of what you wrote feels introductory that the end comes too soon--we are left wanting to see more of this strange and dangerous world that Art lives in.

Personally, I liked the voice over.  It had personality.  But again, it introduced us to a world that we are never allowed to visit.

As another thought, this piece could also work as the introduction for a feature.  The third act you have now would need to be revised so that more plot could be added before the resolution, but you are obviously smart enough to see the potential that this story could have in an expanded form.

Great work!

Hey monty,

Thank you very much for the compliments.

And I'm glad you liked the voiceover.  I know it's heavy in voiceover, which most people don't like, but when I wrote this in first person prose as a short story, I liked Art's words so much I knew I wanted to use them in the screenplay version, so I just dove in headlong and, if some people didn't like it... oh well.  I'm glad it worked for you.

I can definately see how the story could be expanded into a feature, (adding a couple more plot points, of course), but my plate's kind of full right now and don't have plans any time soon to draw it out.  I do understand what you mean that the story only feels introductory, though, especially with it's sudden abrupt ending.

Thank you again for taking a read.  I'm not too sure what your real name is, but do you have any stories lurking around here at Simply Scripts that I could check out and return the read?

- Mark

This script was written well and flowed nicely. The concept of the script is fine and the characters are well written. In my opinion, the voiceover in the script was not a problem. My advice would be to try and make the script longer, making the story stretch a bit.