Hey Matt,

I read through a couple of comments before opening this one up and decided to give it a go.  Yeah, it's def a trip.  Haha.

That said, I thought you did a really nice job with this one over all, and considering that it was your first draft, that makes it even more impressive.  I thought the writing was very strong throughout, and as a result, I didn't really take very detailed notes as I kind of got caught up in the story.

***SPOLIERS***

I did remember thinking that the first conversation b/w Bug and BJ went on a little too long, so I think you can clean that up a bit.  Also, I beleive that since Bug is on the phone, he should have a (V.O.).

The way that you dealt with BJ's dealer disappearing left me wondering if he was going to play a bigger part in the overall story, but we never hear from him again.  Just curious, what was his deal, cause' he seemed to disappear into thin air.  I guess that could just be part of the trippy vibe you have going on here, but I was curious.

Also, the convo b/w Bug and BJ at the diner was a little contradictory for me.  I think someone already mentioned (E.D.?) that Bug mentions that BJ had a tough childhood, and yet we see him seemingly happy in the flashback, so I won't go into that.  

The thing that jumped out at me was that hear you had Bug telling BJ that he needed to get clean adn get his shit together, but the next thing we knoe he is giving BJ Mr. E's #.  Now, I'm assuming Bug didn't know the extent of what was going to go on (...then again, Mr. E seemed to be familiar with Bug so who knows), but at the very least he had to assume that drugs would be involved in some form or fashion.  I just felt like Bug's character changed too quickly from telling him he needed to get his life together to turning into a pimp.  Haha.

As far as the ending, I dug it.  Some others have mentioned some good ideas with the timing of the phone call from the Mr. Womack that you should at least consider, but even if you decide not to change, I think what you have works as well as it gets right to the heart of the story (i.e. that tomorrow is always the day someone is going to quit).

Anyway, thanks for the read, dude.  It flew by, and I enjoyed it.  Best of luck.

Craig

Thanks for the read, svsg1982.

Quoted from svsg1982 I think you should work on that as well because drug addicted actors are a dime a dozen story and it doesn't do this take on that idea any justice.

Couldn't agree more. Loglines are the bane of my existence. I hate writing them and I'm never any good at them. I'll try to come up with an improvement.

Craiger,

Thanks for the read, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Craiger6 The way that you dealt with BJ's dealer disappearing left me wondering if he was going to play a bigger part in the overall story, but we never hear from him again.  Just curious, what was his deal, cause' he seemed to disappear into thin air.  I guess that could just be part of the trippy vibe you have going on here, but I was curious.

The drug dealer was left over from an earlier version, which was going to climax with a shootout. I thought that was too obvious (drug scripts always have shootouts) so I dropped it, but I still wanted the dealer scene. Now it's just part of the tribby vibe, as you said. I usually put a moment in all my writing that could lead you to believe the whole thing is happening in the main character's mind. There's not really a reason for it, I just think it's cool.

Quoted from Craiger6 Also, the convo b/w Bug and BJ at the diner was a little contradictory for me.  I think someone already mentioned (E.D.?) that Bug mentions that BJ had a tough childhood, and yet we see him seemingly happy in the flashback, so I won't go into that.

That wasn't a flashback, it was a fantasy. B.J. is escaping into an idealised version of his childhood to sort of mitigate the horror of what's happening to him. What happens in his mind is probably nothing like what actually happened when he was younger. But even if it was, abusive relationships are complicated. Just because B.J. was abused as a child doesn't mean there weren't happy moments or that he didn't have love for his parents.

Quoted from Craiger6 The thing that jumped out at me was that hear you had Bug telling BJ that he needed to get clean adn get his shit together, but the next thing we knoe he is giving BJ Mr. E's #.  Now, I'm assuming Bug didn't know the extent of what was going to go on .....  I just felt like Bug's character changed too quickly from telling him he needed to get his life together to turning into a pimp.

Truth is, that was bad writing that I didn't catch until someone pointed it out to me. It's on my list of changes for my next draft. Bug will probably prove to be more sinister later on somehow. I haven't gotten it figured out yet, but I will address that in my next draft.

Thank you for the read and your kind words, and I apologise for my delayed response. I'm quite lazy.