Simon
I read this without reading the other comments so apologies if I’m repeating what others have said but I believe this is the best way to impartially review a script.

Sorry but I didn’t really get this. What I understand is that an average girl is going out with handsome, wealthy man and through a combination of her own insecurities and a rather overly discouraging, super negative friend she begins to question why this guy is interested in her. That’s the bones of the story, right?

What you’ve written is a couple of cryptic, fragmented conversations between the couple in the early days of their relationship intertwined with Tammy and her friend analysing the state of said relationship as women most certainly do on a constant basis. That structure is fine except, as I’ve noted below, the dialogue feels very unnatural and forced at times. It’s good to experiment and establish your own voice, the staggered, interrupted flow of the dialogue gave it an interesting lilt and I would encourage you to play around with it, however, at times I though you went a bit overboard thus it came off more unrealistic, a tad frustrating and confusing at times.

I have no problem with ambiguity as long as we get something to interpret further down the line. Unfortunately, I felt this never came, the relationship was still full of uncertainty and instability by the end., which again is fine, everything doesn’t need to be wrapped up in a neat package but it seemed like the script went nowhere.
Perhaps the key is in the final two scenes where Annie watches Robert do his shopping and Tammy and Robert meet outside the library. I don’t get the significance of this conclusion and this is where I’m probably missing out.

The writing is pretty tight and direct with only some minor changes I have suggested below.

Can you explain your intentions, I’m curious to know where you’re coming from with it.


Below are some notes I made, typos, grammar, observations, etc.

No need to say that Robert is “male”. We can gather that from his name.

ROBERT
So... I got together with a couple
of guy. We borrowed some cash...

--“Guy” is missing an “s”

TAMMY
Well. Maybe it ain’t stood still.

ANNIE
That’s just on.

--Can you explain these lines? What does she mean?

“Tammy smiles, and shakes her head.”

-- I think you could drop the “and” here after the comma.

ROBERT
But it’s not about us?

TAMMY
(playful)
Hiding?

ROBERT
There’s been people. But then,
you’ve history?

TAMMY
Well...

ROBERT
Tell me about them.

She laughs.

TAMMY
Okay. It’s about us.

She raises her glass to him.

-- Kinda lost here as to what they’re talking about in this passage. The phrasing seems awkward and difficult to decipher. I hope the guarded, riddle type dialogue makes sense by the end.

“He stops, and takes her other hand in his.”

-- Again, I think you can drop the “and” after the comma here.

ROBERT
So. If I was some guy. Works in a
garage.

-- How about re-phrasing this to “If I was some guy who worked in a garage”

"She smiles, and they walk on."

-- Lose the "and".

Col.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 What I understand is that an average girl is going out with handsome, wealthy man and through a combination of her own insecurities and a rather overly discouraging, super negative friend she begins to question why this guy is interested in her. That’s the bones of the story.

- Right

Quoted from Colkurtz8 the dialogue feels very unnatural and forced at times.

This was the main issue for me. Even though the script dealt with tricky issues, it was suppoosed to have a light feel to it, but the dialogue clearly fails in carrying that accross.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I though you went a bit overboard

- Duly noted and referred to in earlier posts.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Perhaps the key is in the final two scenes where Annie watches Robert do his shopping and Tammy and Robert meet outside the library.

- The final scene - how to end it, gave me the most difficulty.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 TAMMY Well. Maybe it ain’t stood still. ANNIE That’s just on. --Can you explain these lines? What does she mean?

- As you noted - early days of the relationship, so is it on as in ongoing as opposed to a one-nighter.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 ROBERT But it’s not about us? TAMMY (playful) Hiding? ROBERT There’s been people. But then, you’ve history?...(etc)

- She's investingating his history (relationship history), but she has history too. He doesn't want to know because the relationship is supposed to be about them.

Yeah, I agree with the dropped of the 'ands' - keeps the writing tight.

So in summary, it's mainly the dialogue that I need to watch - I occasionally like being obscure, and I can live with some people not liking it - can't please all the people all the time...

Thanks for the review.

007.

Hi Simon.

Whilst I was reading this I was a little confused. I felt like they were saying a lot of dialogue without actually saying anything, though I know sometimes this is a good thing. It wasn't until the scene in the park where she asks why he's with her that I got what it's about... it's not about the possessions and money you have, it's about love and you just love who you love. At least that's what I got from it anyway. I found that particular scene quite delightful if I'm honest.

Overall the script didn't feel hugely visible, if you get me. Show us some more of their actions, small romantic gestures and the like perhaps. I don't know, just something we get to see rather than the awkward conversations, which I get show us a bit, but maybe not enough.

Anyway it's a decent effort, and like I said already but want to emphasise, I loved the park scene.

Cheers.

As I go:

Page 1:  I'm a little thrown off on Robert.  His talk of money from "daddy" was, I thought, an indication that he was a spoiled guy who'd had an easy life.  Obviously, though, he made his own way.  Generally I wouldn't think of such a person as being the type to say "daddy."  Just a thought.
I like the disconnects in dialogue here.  Fits in with the way I would imagine their relationship to be.  

Page 4:  I think this is kinda a missed opportunity.  I don't know where this is going, but it seems to me that Tammy's concerns about "unworthiness" or whatever are going to create problems.  If that's the case, ending the scene in the restaurant without having a seen a negative reaction from Robert seems like a mistake to me.  No matter what, I think it's odd that the scene ends on her raising her glass and we have no idea how Robert has responded to this.  It works in the other two scenes but I'm not sure about this one.
Robert's question "Where has this come from?" doesn't necessarily seem justified to me in response to Tammy's question.  Third date seems like a reasonable time to ask about other "meaningful people"...unless that specifically means other relationships, which I personally don't read it as.  Maybe I'm in the minority there.  If that is what Tammy's asking, it seems like an extraordinary turn-off.  Asking about exes on a third date would be significantly unreasonable in my social world; I'm not sure about others'.  

Page 7:  I dunno, Robert pisses me off a little.  He's so incredibly reasonable in explaining himself to Tammy when her question is so obnoxious.  I wish he'd tell her off.  I mean, "Would you still like me?"  "Maybe."  What a bleep!

Page 8:  Ending ain't make no sense to me.  Annie?  Library?  "I'm here"?  Don't get it.

Thoughts:  

There's a very nice tone here that I think has the potential to be a very...comfortable short film, the kind you'd want to watch over even though you know how it ends.  

'Course, I don't know how this one ends, which is to say, I don't know what happened in the end.  Basically, none of page 8 makes sense to me.  I think, though that this problem is created earlier in the story.  This feels like mumblecore -- if you're familiar with the term -- but even by those standards there is not a dramatic moment early enough or significant enough.  Robert's so patient with Tammy that it seems like she couldn't create a problem if she wanted to, and the fact that she doesn't create a problem with what I view as bad behaviour -- as I mentioned above -- is very annoying to me.  She's gotta do something earlier to get the ball rolling.  I understand that the intention here is to be dialogue based, but so little happens that the dialogue itself is arbitrary.  Since plot points expressed through dialogue are not connected to any specific actions, even small ones, there's really nothing here that couldn't be accomplished in a single scene; or, to look at it another way, there's not really any scene with Annie that couldn't have been with Robert, or vice versa, and not still gotten the exact same information across.  I'm fine, happy in fact, with scripts that are mostly dialogue and ideas, but that dialogue still has to drive a story at least to the extent in which a character must interact with different characters at different times to obtain different pieces of information, and therefore remain active within the plot.  Is that adequately clear?  I'm not sure how, precisely, to make this point.  The dialogue doesn't appear to have any real-world effect whatsoever, I suppose that's what I'm getting at.  When the restaurant scene, for example, ends, the relationship between Robert and Tammy is really no different than when the scene began.  And if that hasn't changed, what has?

I mentioned above that I find Tammy a bit annoying.  I won't belabour the point as I didn't find it over the top.  As I said, it more so made me annoyed with Robert for not seeming the least bit miffed.  

Annie is nice enough but could use a little somethin' somethin' to make her seem less like the Judy-Greer-best-friend type.  

Anyway.  All in all; I like the tone; I was stumped by the ending and didn't feel that an open ending was sufficiently justified; I worry that there's too little drama, even for such a quiet little story; I enjoyed the dialogue in form if not in content.

Chris

ADY – thanks for the read and the feedback – I see what you mean.

Hi Heretic. I think maybe you’ve over analysed this. I’ll go through my take on it:
Scene 1
You’re right with the intent on the use of the word ‘daddy’, but this is the guy Robert worked for: Robert then got together with some other guys and lent the money and built the business up, so he’s worked for his money.
Scene 2
Introduce the antagonist, Annie. She begins to question the relationship.
Scene 3
Tammy brings her insecurities to the table (literally). Talks about exes – you’re right that this is poor form (to mention exes), but Robert handles it well, suggesting Tammy has exes, and the point is that this relationship is about them. Tammy then raises her glass to him as Robert has ‘passed’ this test.
Scene 4
Following the meal, Annie attempts to get details (numbers of exes - implies she knows about the conversation, so may have instigated it) – Tammy, somewhat frustrated, rejects this, so Annie goes for the stronger line – he could have anyone…
Scene 5
Dialogue continues from previous scene… Tammy question Robert on the basis that he could have anyone, directly continuing Annie’s line of question. Robert tries to sooth her insecurities (again emphasising that her understands them & her, and he understands that she is likely to be insecure – he wants her.) She toys with his answer, implying she is comfortable with it.
Scene 6
Now close to the end, the scenes change more quickly. Annie is getting quite blatant – she’s basically telling Tammy that she’ll get binned, but it sounds desperate – she’s drunk, and drowns her dregs.
Scene 7
Still with Annie – she sees Robert – she doesn’t just look at him – she gazes, and holds it – Annie’s motivation in one – she fancies him and she’s jealous. That’s all we need to know.
Scene 8
Another date. She stands in between his legs (she’d only do this if they were still together) and then he turns the tables on her, by asking her a question, but he smiles, so we know things are good, whatever the question is going to be.

So yes, I don’t really know if the ending works, and it’s open, but it ends as it began with a question, and it turns the tables, as maybe she is now secure enough for Robert to ask her something – and they are in a library – a depository of answers. So according to me, this is dialogue driven – Annie as the antagonist is driving most of Tammy’s questions, and she is taking these to Robert, who of course expects this as he knows he is doing something that is socially quite unusual. It’s not about drama, it’s not a dramatic script: it’s about insecurities and their counter – understanding someone you care for, giving them a little time, being patient with them.

Thanks for the read.