This was good. You fleshed out the Flash character quickly and effectively. It's obvious the guy's a d-bag and is in for some comeuppance, and you delivered on that promise. The middle drags, just slightly. I still wanted to see Flash get burned. Once Flash mocks Steve, I figured Steve would score with Flash's wife. But it didn't spoil the story, at all. Also, ignore any comments that read you should've revealed what Gordon said to Steve, Steve.

LOL.

I think that sums up this script for me. I loved it and I found myself actually laughing out loud while reading it, which is rare. I didn't see the end coming either... just brilliant. Great work man.

Thanks for the reads Kellie, Rockland and Steve.

Some nice compliments in there which is much appreciated and always nice to hear, gives you boost.

I agree, Rockland that the middle section dragged and the whole piece could do with some shaving, I reckon 3 pages could be taken off easily now but I never saw this when writing it.

It’s the peeps on here which have made me realise this and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Less is more sometimes.

Thanks again, guys and girls.

Hi Steve- I get the impression you watched Night at the Roxbury or SNL's Two wild and crazy guys skits. I liked the script. Very funny at the end! Great job

Quoted from DV44 Hi Steve- I get the impression you watched Night at the Roxbury or SNL's Two wild and crazy guys skits. I liked the script. Very funny at the end! Great job

Hey Dirk,

Thanks for checking this out, always appreciated. I've seen "Night at the Roxbury" Good movie but never seen that skit I'm afraid. Thanks again for the comments.

I understand you're writing a feature, just give me a pm if you would like a return read.

Hey, Coop.  I hope you take it the right way if I say I was a little disappointed with this one.  For all the activity on this thread I expected more than a one-off gag.

But so many posts can lead to unrealistic expectations, I guess, and that is not really your fault.  The humor is also not my particular brand, but again, that is my own prejudice at work.  You have clearly struck a chord with a great many readers, and you can be proud of that.

What I will say, though, is that your central conceit here -- a mythical line that is irresistible to the ladies -- but is never spoken aloud, of course -- is great.  It has punch, and is certainly strong enough to support a larger story, though it probably does not have legs for a feature.

Also, the actual writing is fine.  From the descriptors to the dialogue, the flow was smooth and I never felt like it was dragging -- though my gut instincts are telling me that nine pages may be a bit stretched for the story you are telling here.  And it is just little things -- like having Gordon repeat himself to Carly when asking for a drink (why?) that add up.

Nice work-- but I think it is time for you to take whatever lessons you have carried away from this thread and punch out something new.

Sorry for the lame review. Hard to give people reviews when i'm writing for the first time to people who may have been writing for a long time. The two wild and crazy guys skit is when Steve Martin was a cast member on SNL back in the day. I'll buzz you when i'm ready with my first script. Best of luck with future scripts.

Thanks Bert for the thoughtful comments, always appreciate reads especially from a big honcho like yourself.

Yeah, this has had its fair share of reads so I can understand why you were expecting more than it was. Sorry the humor isn't to your liking but comedy is subjective. I would never expect everybody to love this type of thing.

Your right about the length, it's to long for sure.

Thanks again for taking a look.

Dirk,

Just wanted to say that all feedback is good feedback and yours wasn't lame by any counts... it's just my type in fact "good job" That's all I need to hear.

Thanks again.