The Package by Matthew Layden (TheUsualSuspect ) - Short - Joe receives a package at his doorstep, which reveals a dark secret about his past.  5 pages - pdf, format

Hey Matthew. Pretty nice little tale. You have a good ear for dialogue, and the dialogue here will probably improve even more after another polish or two.

I had two questions pop up, but these are not really criticisms or problems, just questions. The first was about the flash. Why didn't the little red headed boy run? I couldn't picture why he just stood there and took it when they through rocks at him.

The only other question was why the ghost waited so many years to enact his revenge. I suppose he was just building his ethereal strngth. Was just wondering.

But good work. Packages are a very good suspense technique.

Hey Matthew,

A good little tale here, it was well written and I couldn’t fault much on the formatting area, a few things I felt could have been capitalised but nothing major.

The story is intriguing, a good ghost story but nothing original. A couple of questions, why wait so long for revenge? Who was the boy who delivered the package?  If it was the same boy who died then wouldn’t Joe have recognised him?

Overall this is a well written, easy readable script which for 5 pages did a nice job of telling a ghost story. Although it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,  I enjoyed it.

Good work.

Steve

Oh good ole group 4.  Ghost story, jazz club, butterfly.  Fun.  

I read this on NYCMM and thought you did a good job.  I read what you submitted here cus I thought you might have changed it based on the feedback you got over there but it was the same version.  I think Kevin and Steve pretty much said the same thing you got over there.  Written well, cool setting, interesting idea but we just need a little more info like why did they pick on this boy in particular and why 60 years later?  Just fill in some holes and you'll have a complete story, maybe even something filmable.  My entry for that round is completely unfilmable because I had it jump back into the 1940's,  But it's nice when you can come away from that contest with a few good writing samples and a huge bonus to create something in just 48 hours, within those tight parameters that could possibly be filmed.  

Best of luck with it Matt!

I changed the title!!!!  hahahahaha

While it's not EXACTLY the same as the NYCMM submission it is basically the same ingredients. The main response from NYCMM was that they didn't get why the ghost waited so long for "revenge" and why didn't Joe recognize the boy *if* it was the boy.

I was hoping to get a bit more responses before going into another re-write. After the drama that happened on NYCMM, this year will be my last time entering.

Thanks for the reads here.

Edit- The feedback from the judges there wasn't the best either.

I hate those boards...not posting my work on them anymore but I will continue to do the challenges. I love them too much to stop.  Not to mention I've gotten 2 ideas for features and quite a few shorts I can use for either writing samples or possibly filmable.  Do it for yourself...screw those idiots on the boards.  

I thought to question why he didn't immediately recognize the kid, but I came up with this explanation to satisfy myself: the mind blocks things out that cause great pain. Of course, it's been many years, the guy runs a bar, probably drinks a lot, but mostly he blocked out this memory in order to live his life.

I do think an explanation for the delay in revenge would help. Did something trigger the revenge?

Hi Matthew

It was a nice little script for only 5 pages, but as Steve said, why wouldn`t Joe have recognized the red head, after all he did kill him and then shook him to see is he would wake, surely that would haunt him forever.
The ghost didn`t actually kill Joe, it was his own fault he tripped and fell  trying to run, if the ghost had actually tripped him up, it would have been a little more believable.

Overall pretty good

Mark  

Hello Mathew,

I read the script this morning but didn't have much to say. Your writing at the beginning was very strange but I think it was so tight that you must've saved about half a page which is always a good thing.

Perhaps you should lengthen it a bit and show Joe being a dick backstage before everybody leaves. Or maybe even show him feeling remorse at the start. I didn't really mind the kid taking so long for revenge and felt it was better not knowing.

I think all these extra questions people are putting up should lengthen the short. For the five pages it was, I enjoyed it. If it was longer, I would've enjoyed it more but a solid effort nonetheless.

Good job

Mohammad

Hi Mathew.
The story is good, but no happy ending.
p-1 Megan is she. You wrote he in one occasion.
p-3 If Edward asks the question, why he beats Ruth?
p-7 I think you mean fast death.
p-9 spelling should be your little girl, not you're little girl, IMO.
I think the bad gguy should have a name. His coworkars have only one line and have names. And IMO it would be interesting to know what is in the package.

I hope it helps

Regards Jahon.

Jahon you have the wrong script buddy

Mark

Spamming for some reason? lol.

Hey, Matthew.

A good little ghost story you have here.  I do however have a few niggles but nothing major, and which have probably been asked before.  Why does the boy wait over forty years to haunt his killers or did they serve time for the death of the such boy?

I enjoyed this but felt a little cold towards the characters, even the dead boy.  I didn't really know anything about them, why the two youths were tormenting the boy and why the boy was there in the first place.  all these could easily be answered but then you would stray toward a longer short and some might then ask for more story...in the end you can't win really lol.

As it stands, it was a good short. Oh, but I didn't like the first few paragraphs.  I thought you could lose a few lines like 'it just rained' and 'lucky rat got away'.  Sorry to end on a bad note, should have mentioned that earlier really.

Hi Matthew - good concise stroy here.

Problem with the red-head of course - but he could have been in shadow etc.

Page 3 onwards had great pace & I enjoyed that.

Didn't have a problem with the ghost waiting so long.

Main problems for me were some setting & visual images:

The damp streets, okay then the cat chasing okay, but I'd say keep the subject (of the sentence) prominent - so that cat misses, rather than the rat gets away. Sounds petty, but we start with a night club, go onto the streets, move to a cat, and then end with a rat. If you remove the 'it's rained' bit, and just have the cat and his actions, then it's tighter, and reads tighter.

At this point I have a scene outside a night club which is deserted - it's almost underlined by the cat - which I like - but then I've got people exiting, so I'm doing a double take, and then Joe's involved so I'm getting 'image discontinuity' (a phrase I just made up):

So better I think is -

The door opens, held by Joe, people stream out, he smiles and snarls - I don't think would be any longer but it makes more visual sense.

Apart from that - good stuff.

Simon

This script fell flat for me.  I agree with everyone else regarding why the ghost chose this particular moment to visit.  And, while I know it's hard to set up an atmosphere in such a short script, the haunting sequence fell pretty flat with me.  It was nothing I haven't seen in a hundred other movies.

Your dialog had a natural flow to it; I liked that.


Phil

Hey Matthew,

Since your script get a lot of attention in recent days.
So, I thought I'd join the herd and crack it open.

I like the ambiance you've got going here.
I can here the music score while I read, nice work.

Pretty much on board with everything, right up to the piano business.
I felt the ending did not live up to the vibrant set up.
Devolved into standard haunting type stuff.

Why now? Is the big question. Why pick this time to return?
What marked the occasion to make this, the night?
If you open with that, the supernatural stuff will digest better, IMO.

Atmosphere and dialogue trump the plot here.
Interested to see where you take this in new drafts.

Regards,
E.D.

I liked this, b/c for some reason I always love the character of the old black jazz musician, I just think they are the definition of cool.

Cool story that I feel like I've prety much heard before to a T, but didn't mind b/c it was quick and well written.  Not something that I'd tell you to expand or re-write, just a nice little one off story.

Hey Matthew,

I thought this was quite good. My only real questions echo previous sentiments. Who is this kid? Why wait so long for revenge?

I think the flashback could've benefited from more exploration while I think everything else could've been scaled back. The first half was the better of the two but some of the conversation could've been trimmed IMO.

The payoff, I saw coming but it was the right payoff. No problem here. I was hoping for a more subtle execution though. The piano was a little much. The KILLER was way too much. Honestly, I'd have preferred the guy'd shrug off the memory then die by a more mundane, ambiguous means, perhaps after leaving the bar (when he got home?). The last scene would be a confirmation of his death at the hands of the ghost regardless.

Anyway, I'm assuming this is MoviePoet? If so, I've read a lot lately and have my doubts that most writers are able to tackle them very well. So with that said, I think you did a good job. This stands whether or not your script was a MoviePoet entry.

Not MoviePoet, NYCMM Short Screenplay Challenge entry, basically the same thing though. 2 days to write a 5 page script with the given elements of Jazz Club, Ghost Story and Butterfly.

Thanks for the read everyone.

IMO, NYCMM is much more difficult.  First of all you only have 48 hours and second the parameters are much more restricted.

thoughts while reading this...

i like the way joe talks on page 2. however it seems different than on page 1. would make it more consistent.

writing is pretty good. however several descriptions could be more concise.

phrases such as "the chubby kid walks towards the kid, slowly" can be shortened. try to avoid -ly adverbs. say something like, "the chubby kid inches towards the kid" or something along those lines.

as other people stated, i think the atmosphere and the dialogue are the strongest bits of this script. both were quite impressive. but i found the story to be a bit lacking. my biggest  question is why? why is this happening and why is that happening? i think you need to provide the reader with some more answer. delve a little bit deeper. the beginning of the script and the horror bits seemed a little too off balanced. the script goes from tame to crazy in seconds. i would make the revenge a little more subdued. then again maybe you could make a comparison between jazz and the slaughter at the end.

overall, this script needs a purpose. i like where it's going, it just has to reach a bit deeper.

While writing KILLER on the piano, I was waiting for people to think it was overkill, I just needed something to really get him scared to make him fall off and hit his head, much like how the little kid was hit in the head.

I think the why is pretty straight forward, it's a simple ghost revenge story, the issue of why how long is something that I didn't really have time to answer in the allotted time. Another re-write maybe could clear things up.

Hey Matthew,
I really liked how natural the dialogue sounded. I also enjoyed the story overall, with basically the same grievances as everyone else. It did seem odd that the ghost boy chose to wait so many years to haunt the two but maybe he wanted them to mentally suffer and pop up just when they thought they were safe? It would also help if you extended the scene where the two African American kids threw rocks at the red headed boy, giving a reason as to why they stoned him to death. Finally, IMO the ending would be more powerful if rather than just having the box at the door for the second guy, the guy with the scar on his head opened the door to see the boy holding the package as he did with the first guy. You should also consider further developing at least one character to have the story linger with the reader. Overall it was a quick read and enjoyable read.

Good job and keep writing,

Devin

As I go:

Page 4:  "The word KILLER is carved..."  This is the one gag so far that seems a little goofy to me.

Thoughts:

Well, this reads very clean and fast.  Obviously I didn't take many notes while reading it.

A story we know well, obviously, so the script lives or dies on its unique elements.  To me, what is unique in the story is Joe as protagonist.  You've done a good job with his character and he has some manner of charm to him.  I'd like to see more of him; specifically, I'd like to see more of him that might also pertain to the plot.  Did that incident change his life at all?  If so, how?  He obviously hasn't exactly been living with horrid guilt all these years, because he can't even remember the kid's face.

What is the significance of the ghost's revenge?  Has Joe's nasty behaviour from childhood continued through his whole life -- has he always been a bad guy -- or has he changed for the better, or the worse?  I think what's really missing here is a sense of why we should care that this ghost comes to visit this guy right now.  Why is this story being told to us?  What does it tell us about ourselves, our world, how we should or should not act?

"Don't kill people" isn't a complex enough moral, I guess, is what I'm getting at.

As others have noted, dialogue and atmosphere strong; plot needs work; KILLER is too much.  I don't really have a ton to add.  I think this has potential to be quite an engaging piece, though, if you figure out exactly what you want it to be about.

This was a well written, easy read.  You're not reinventing the wheel here but it's a solid story.  

Instead of Joe saying that he didn't have anything to drink that night, you could have him sipping on some liquor, glance at the glass with a puzzled look, maybe hold it up to the light to see if there's anything in there.  Then he drops the glass when he sees the contents of the package.  Slow motion glass shattering shots are cliché and all, but they can still work if done right.

Nice work.

Thanks for the reads. Everything that was mentioned is definitely going into the re-write. The amount of story Heretic wants me to incorporate will obviously make it longer, hopefully more engaging.