Steve,

I'm not a Beatles fan *runs for cover* therefore I don't know how I feel about this one.

Your writing is concise and creates clear visuals so points for that.

On the first page there's an underscore in Maggie's dialogue. On the second: "The waiting commuters wear...old-fashioned clothes." Did you mean to put ellipses there?

I don't know if background song lyrics are to be included as dialogue unless a character is singing them.

When Maggie asks, "What has he done that's so bad?" it seemed sort of contrived. I felt that based on the note it would have been realistic for them to assume he'd ran away. They could still be concerned, but to take "I had to do it" as a literal "OMG what did he do?!" seemed sort of ABC Family soap to me.

The VO's didn't work for me either. At first it read as though voice over Rob was reciting the contents of the note he left, but as the story persisted they came off as narration, the rote of which undermined my experience as an audience member.  I agree with what Heretic said about perhaps showing some of the scenes instead of dictating.

As for the overall story, the time machine aspect was neat and having a Beatles member be someone from the future is original. However my lack of interest in the band may have stilted my interest in "Tomorrow Never Knows."

Hey Stevie,

Good to see some more work from you. It’s a cute little story you have here, very Sci-Fi-ish. I liked that!

SPOLIERS

I liked the beginning; a real twist from thinking Rob has committed suicide to, WTF! A time machine. Never saw that one coming. Good job on that.

I like the visuals here on the bus, also enjoying how you link The Beatles song into this scene and yes, I did have to look that up.

Solid ending, like how you used an iconic image as well as it helps the reader to visualise this so easily.

I took a few notes while reading:

P.1  “LIVERPOOL ENGLAND” Missing comma here.

“I know you're gonna be angry brother” Not sure about brother. “Bro” or some sort of slang for brother would have been better here IMO.

“Jonny takes a long swig of water from the fridge.” This reads awkward, almost sounds like he’s drinking water direct from the fridge. Just a thought.

“tantrum” Okay, I mentioned this before to someone on another script. Could choose a better description here IMO like hysterics or something. Tantrum just reminds me of a 2 year old, it’s because I have to deal with one every day and I say this a lot to describe her, personal choice I guess.

P.2               JONNY
          The bastards nicked my fucking
          time machine...

I do like this line!

'WOOLERTON' I don’t know a lot about the Liverpool area but do you mean Woolton?

I do like Chris’s idea about showing the change missing instead of a voice over, think that would be a great visual.

Overall this is a great, well written script. I personally liked the voice over and think it worked here, also enjoyed the final image.

Though I can’t say I am a massive Beatles fan, I have always loved their music and felt like throwing on an album immediately after reading this.

I’ve tried not to think about the time travel aspect too much, if “Back To the Future” taught me anything, it’s that time travel is complicated.

Great work!

Steve

P.S You looking forward to the footy season starting next month, personally can’t wait! Go the Dockers!

Yo Stevie!

Had a whirlwind week at Sherwood Oaks last week.
So, please forgive my tardy read.

P. 1
Jonny takes a long swig of water from the fridge.
For some reason, I saw Jonny lifting a fridge and drinking from it, like a bottle.
I know what you meant, but the way its worded gave me momentary pause.

This is a cute tale that liberally borrows from previous works on the subject.
But you employed good stuff into an affable story, so it's all good.

SPOILERS

Must say I'm reminded of a classic line in a tale of this kind...
Actually, its from my all time absolute fave movie of this ilk--
Peggy Sue Got Married...
I want to go to Liverpool and discover the Beatles.

Regards,
E.D.