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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 18th, 2012, 6:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red Devil, Blue Sea by Darren J Seeley - Short, Drama - While exploring a sunken ship, three people discover that their mini-sub could share a similar fate. 7 pages - pdf, format


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Penoyer79
Posted: March 19th, 2012, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey darren,

nice piece here man. very entertianing. easy read. i was into it the whole way.... the ship reveal at the end is nice touch.

good stuff.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 19th, 2012, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks. This is actually a rewrite of a short I did that I entered on the Jan/Feb SpriptX challenge over at DVX Fest. ('Trapped' theme.) I almost considered having both versions up here, but why subject folks to a cricket-chirper of a previous draft?

BTW, this short is something I *might* consider to expand to a 7wk challenge. I can guarantee that a 7wk challenge for me won't be the recent OWC.

Oh, and in case anyone is interested, the new ScriptFest at DVX user is on.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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bert
Posted: March 19th, 2012, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Title and logline are bad-ass.

Cracked this one open, but was left dissatisfied.

All set-up and no resolution.  The final dialogue exchange was lost on me.

Parts of this I really liked.  Some of the description was nice and alive (almonds like jumping beans), but much of it was too choppy for its own good.

I read lots of scripts like that now, it seems -- people writing with this staccato rhythm that reads fast, but take it too far and the lack of detail just ends up confusing.  It's a fine line, and frankly, you move into confusing territory a few times in this one.

My advice would be to stop trying so hard to chop words out and let your narrative breathe a bit.  The tone here would certainly support it, and you have a very cool story if you were to give it a proper conclusion.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 20th, 2012, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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The good news - Great title.  Good premise.  Lots of possibilities.

The bad news - Writing is not good at all, as Bert pointed out.  In fact, it's quite irritating for the most part.  I'm with Bert here 100%.  I just don't get it.  It's like the flavor of the week kind of thing.  Someone sells a script that's written in a certain way and everyone thinks it's the latest greatest thing out there since oral sex.

The writing here is the opposite of what I'd call visual writing, and that's obviously not a compliment.  With such a potentially cool subject, visual writing is a major key for this to work, and because of the complete lack of it, it fails.

The writing itself is so awkward, uneven, full of strange fragments lacking verbs that just doesn't read well at all.  And let me be clear, I'm not saying you can't write this way, or you shouldn't write this way.  I'm saying, if you can't write this way effectively, you shouldn't write this way at all.  It's difficult to master and when it doesn't work, it really doesn't work.

A few more writing issues you should be aware of...

Not a single time element in any Slug.

Action/description taking place outside of the Slug it's under.

FADE TO BLACK and FADE IN on Page 2 in the wrong places on the page.  After 2nd FADE OUT, no FADE IN.

Poor decision making on not breaking up passages properly - numerous examples of lines that shouldn't be together that are in the same passage.

An entire blank, numbered page at the end, which always looks just terrible and shows the writer didn't even take the time to edit his work a single time.

Story - potential for sure, but it's heavily cliched water that's been swum in many, many times before.  It's the kind of thing where you really need to wear something new to the beach to give it a chance, and not only didn't you, but you didn't even end it...not even remotely.

I understand how page constraints can be an issue, but there's no longer a page constraint.  You had another 5-7 pages to expand this and end it.   But you didn't...didn't even attempt to.

Very disappointing to me, Darren.  I was looking forward to this based on the title and potential, but left the water feeling quite upset.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Ryan1
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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This made for a curiously difficult read, considering much of the writing is so terse.   This style is tough to pull off without becoming annoying to the reader.  There's no flow to this, it's kind of like a driver who keeps speeding up, then hitting the brakes.  Hard.  To focus.  On story.  

This might be six pages, but it wasn't a short.  The action seems to pick up in the middle of a scene, and it ends on a character waking up.  And the stuff that happened in between was hard to get into because we had no clue what they were doing down there.

Can't say this story had any effect on me whatsoever.  Sorry.




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stevie
Posted: March 21st, 2012, 10:47pm Report to Moderator
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Ditto for me.

I read the other comments and thought I'd see what the 'prob' was. The first 2 pages were ok.

Then the staccato stuff started getting annoying. When I read the line: 'blood on her arm. Hers'...  I pulled the pin. Not just because of the style but how would she know who's blood it was?



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 1:05am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie

When I read the line: 'blood on her arm. Hers'...  I pulled the pin. Not just because of the style but how would she know who's blood it was?


Because...she got cut somewhere...?


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Not a single time element in any Slug.



Underwater, Jeff. You can't really tell if it is day or night.



Quoted from Dreamscale



An entire blank, numbered page at the end, which always looks just terrible and shows the writer didn't even take the time to edit his work a single time.


This was a rewrite.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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stevie
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 2:52am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley


Because...she got cut somewhere...?


The blood could be from Vincent or Barry



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Dreamscale
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 9:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
Underwater, Jeff. You can't really tell if it is day or night.


Who can't tell?  Are you saying the audience can't tell?  The characters can't tell?

The bottom line is that it is a certain time of day, whether anyone can tell or not.  In a script that only covers a few minutes or hours, it doesn't come into play, but that doesn't mean it's "right".  If you had indeed "finished" the script, several days could have passed and the only way you'd be able to get that across is through your Slugs, dialogue, or some kind of visual involving a clock or calendar.

The point is, as I've said so many times before, why not just write the Slugs the way they're supposed to be written?  In a feature length script, you would need time elements in your Slugs, right?  Or are you saying if you had a script completely set underwater, you'd just omit every single time element?


Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
This was a rewrite.


Meaning what?  Are you saying you purposely add a numbered blank page onto the end of every script that you rewrite?  Why would you want to do that?

I don't see the correlation of a rewrite having a numbered blank page after it's all done.

I'll stick to my original point that it shows laziness in that you didn't even read over your "rewrite" to see that you had an extra blank page.

Darren, you've had a number of people read your script and as usual, there's no thanks, no nothing.  Par for the course, once again.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Darren, you've had a number of people read your script and as usual, there's no thanks, no nothing.


Thanks to Jeff for blowing more smoke up my rear and reading me the riot act because there's one blank page which nobody gives a stink about.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Darren, you didn't respond to Bert or Ryan, nor did you thank them.

You seem to have a very poor attitude lately, and I mean even poorer than you usually do.  Why not just say something like, "Damn...I can't believe I overlooked that blank page on the end...I'll get rid of it.  Thanks for catching that."

Or how about, "Hey guys, thanks for reading. Sorry you didn't like the writing here.  I understand where you're coming from, but IMO, this works the way it is and it's the way I personally like to write."

You're well known for never returning reads, Darren, do you now want to be known as a poor sport who won't even acknowledge reads and give at least a thanks to those who still read your posts?

C'mon, man...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
You're well known for never returning reads, Darren, do you now want to be known as a poor sport who won't even acknowledge reads and give at least a thanks to those who still read your posts?



Jeff sees a dead horse. Beats it with a big stick. Unsatisfied, he throws on the napalm.

"Well known"?
We have covered that ground before, and it was an incorrect statement then. It is most definitely a false statement now.  I do my share, and the finger pointing bit is getting really dull. This is the first script, long or short, (unrelated to the OWCs) that I posted on SS in awhile. I do acknowledge reads. Always have.

And...while we are on the subject...


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: March 22nd, 2012, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Thought I'd check this one out after I saw the comments.

As far as the writing goes, I don't have a problem with it at all. That's how I write as well and no one ever says anything about it to me... If anything, people usually tell me it was a fast and easy read.

Story wise, I thought it was okay, but read more like the beginning of something rather than a story on it's own.

"Almonds like jumping beans"  funny!  A couple of typos, but not too distracting.

Biggest complaint to me would be that I didn't get to know any of the characters. Other than that, I don't see what the big fuss was about.


Thank you, Pia.

You make some interesting points, and one that seems to be universal: the piece is better served as an expanded script. It could still be a short script, but it should be a little longer. I was starting to get that vibe from SS and the other sites I frequent.

I think you and some others get away with some writing styles because perhaps you /others hide it well and/or not much focus is on it. While not exact, I think Bert said something to that effect.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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