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Hey Austin, since I added some BS non script related posts here, I figured I owed you an actual read and feedback.
I read that you shot this yourself, thus the shooting script style, so I won't mention anything about that.
I think your writing is pretty good. You transition with Mini's well from room to room. Most can't seem to figure out how to effectively do this. There are a couple instances of awkward wording, involving Danny being bale to hear Agnes. Also, not that it makes a big difference, but if you cut out the useless word "and" and replace with a comma, I think you'll see it's cleaner and easier to read...and may just save you a line here or there.
Story-wise, it's rather troubling to me. Sad in a way, maybe just a sign of the times...not sure. I really didn't get the point of everything, to be honest. Danny's a little shit, a thief, ripping off the nice old lady who employs him. He feels guilty about it, but that doesn't excuse his actions. Does Agnes know he's doing this? Hard to say. If she does, she's an idiot as well, cause there's lots of other kids who can and will cut her grass for her.
It does hit a nerve though, so if that was your aim, you succeeded. Good job.
Thanks for the read. I've had a lot of different responses to the ending. I see it as a woman who well do whatever she has to do to have company. Since I had no budget, I couldn't establish that she was a widow and I didn't want to have random dialogue. These two characters know each other. Danny knows that she's a widow.
We improvised a slightly different ending. Same actions, with the exchange of money, but different dialogue. I think it's very clear that Agnes knows Danny took the money but him bring there is more important than the cash. She doesn't need it.
And I won't share the movie because it's awful. I am definitely not a director.
Outside that camera mention you open well here. You have two character who are at opposite ends of the convo, though small, still disagreement is more dramatic than agreement.
She has a clear desire to eat with Danny. Danny's character flaws is revealed when he takes the money, which is great for story, hmmm, I guess he doesn't have to learn his lesson, but often than not stories where the character does learn a lesson are better.
One possible plot problem could be why would he take the money before getting paid and then be surprised about getting paid. It must of been a plan along to get paid twice. But this story could be less about teen stealing than an old lady willing to pay anything for company. On that note it would of paid off to show her loneliness after he leaves.
He does attempt to not take the money. It would of been nice if he at least sat with her and ate.
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
I really enjoyed the read. It says alot. She knew he took the money, but insisted on paying him anyway. He felt guilty, and she knew it. I will draw my own conclusion. The kid will never still from Agnes again.
... and congratulations on getting Agnes filmed, I can't wait to see it.
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels Infest the Crotch of the Person Who Screws Up Your Day and May Their Arms Be Too Short to Scratch"
I saw this one pop up on the boards a couple months ago and the name intrigued me, (I love old-style names), but it disappeared down the 'porthole' before I got a chance to check it out and I forgot all about it until now.
Glad it popped back up again, because I did enjoy it. It's a nice, little simple story with a good message and a sad statement about old age. And excellent practice for when you're getting behind the camera.
Congratulations on getting it filmed (again) and I can't wait to see the final product.
I guess if I had one gripe, it would be that Danny comes off as one of America's Dumbest Criminals because he knew she would have to go through her purse to give him money for mowing the lawn, so why take the chance on him definately getting caught? I think you could get away with him just stealing the pearl necklace or the ring, and have her notice it's gone. The money in the purse is just a little too blatant.
But nonetheless, you've told a good little story here.
Quoted from Baltis
If I didn't look at who wrote it, I'd have for sure thought it was going to end in the old lady cooking Danny's face on the skillet next to the ham sandwich or something absurd like that... and believe me, that's where half this board would've probably taken the story -- Prolly even myself.
Yeah, I have to admit, I would've taken the low route and made this into a revenge story myself. Probably shoving his hands into the lawnmower blades and making him eat his finger sandwiches or something like that. Besides, doesn't the name 'Agnes' just sound like it should brood evil? :-)
Congrats on taking the high road and still giving it something sad and honest to say.
There are a few more photos of the crew, but I like these two of Agnes. The original Danny bailed (he was "sick") so they went with this other kid who's never acted before. The Director said he was good, though.
I can't wait to see the finished film! It's already being edited and I should have something in the next few days.
They filmed in the woman's home and I really like what I see.
He took one of my scripts and filmed it. 'Girl(s)' in my sig. (Just e-mailed me a week or two ago to let me know it's playing at a festival in Los Angeles November 9-11.)
He's one of only two directors I've worked with who actually keeps the writer up to date about everything.
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Agnes - Filmed!
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