This was a quick read.  Everyone else already mentioned the things I was going to comment on.  

The main things I had a problem with were too much dialogue that didn't matter and a few blocks of description were a little too long.

Over all it was a decent story.

Thanks, Nomad, much appreciated.

I get a "Scream" kinda vibe from this short. It is a little simple, predictable and contrived, but certainly filmable.  It just won't be winning any awards or adding anything new into the genre (neither of which is a reason not to create material like this).

Give a little more visual descriptions about your staging; what does the interior of the house look like - and how does that play into who the people that live their are (ie furnishings, decor)?  Your settings should play a part in establishing character; afterall; 3 of these people live here.  Abby should also have a different vibe about her and you could suggest that through visual descriptions in the script.

Just a few minor things...

p1
-I'd consider staging the first scene just inside the doorway, with the parents going through the final preparations to leave (adjusting clothing, checking wallets, bags, keys, writing their number etc) as a clue that they are leaving (you have them already out the door, with Abby inside; that staging could be confusing - making the audience think it is Abby's house and the parents are visitors).
-It is night when the parents leave, but they'll be back at 8? picky I know, but consider revising
-After closing the door, there is an opportunity for Abby to reveal something of her character and/or attitude to your audience; how will she react when the door is closed?
- A style question to you all; do posters here prefer; "Abby (20)," or "Abby, 20,"

p2
-"Abby gets up and walks over to the..."; suggest replacing "over to the..." with "out." (you do this again later)
- I think you are correct to uppercase "JENNIFER", an actor is still required to play the part, even if the is O.S. (someone else mentioned this earlier) - although the description
-I don't have a problem with the phone conversation, as it goes to her character (the fact she has other things she'd rather be occupied with)
-I'm not entirely convinced you need to describe her as "African American" if she is just a voice (although it does play in to the "racist..." remark later)

p3
- misspelt "JENIFFER" (give yourself a backhander... )
-"who's" should be "whose" (who's is "who is" or "who has")

p4
-blood has a very strong smell, and viscosity; I'm not convinced it could be "spilt" without knowing what it is - suggest the wiped hand bumps Abby's shirt as Valerie reaches for something (maybe the chips? do vamps eat chips?)

Your profile doesn't give much info, so in saying this script does seem rather adolescent - I hope that's not insulting to you. I haven't been around here long enough to get to know more than the obvious, regular posters; but to me, your script seems to be well-developed technically.  I'd be quite pleased with my (high-school Media) students submitting work of this calibre.  Keep writing; keep following feedback - and your writing cannot help but improve...

Have fun with it...

Hey thanks, Gerry, I'm 19 and I'm not offended by your comment at all.

Hey Brandon,

Good to see more work from you, I see you’ve now turned to vampires instead of zombies…guessing it will be a werewolf story next?

Well the good news is that I enjoyed this on the whole but thought it was too long for what it was. Two much dialogue which was superfluous and added nothing to the story.

I also felt that the climax felt rushed and never built up enough tension for what could have been a very scary ending.

I liked it but think it could be a lot better if there is more tension built between Abby and Valerie before the final confrontation. Also have to wonder about the “it was all a dream” ending, surely Abby would check her neck as soon as she woke up?

As for the writing, well it read fast and I had no major problems getting through so that’s good but the slugs were a problem and I think you already know from other feedback about using mini-slugs here. It would have helped the read no doubt and looked nicer on the page.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 “INT. VALERIE’S HOUSE – NIGHT” Vague, where are they in the house?

“(hands Abby a folded piece of
paper.)”

Thought this wrylie looked messy and would be better in an action passage.

P.2 “Abby gets up and walks over to the...” When did Abby sit down? Where is she at the moment? She closed the door and walks into the kitchen but where was she in-between?

“African American.” How would we know what Jennifer looks like over the phone?

“dining table” In the kitchen? Must be a big kitchen but I have no visual of the room because you never gave one.

“JENNIFER(O.S)” Think this should be (V.O)

                       ABBY
                Unfortunately.

She literally just stuffed chips in her mouth? Wouldn’t she be muffled or something.

P.3
      
                       JENNIFER(O.S)
               I told you that cop was racist.
Is this dialogue really important to the story?

P.4 “Abby picks up the bottle, too late to save it’s spilled
contents.” Found this line confusing? When did the bottle fall or leave Valerie? Why is Abby picking it up?

P.6 “Abby hang up” Should be “hangs”

P.7 “I need to drink some to get better.” I think “some” could be taken out of this line to make it read better.

“Abby rushes upstairs.” How cliqued, right out of the horror not to do’s.

“onto a step” Or “onto the stairs”

Feel like we’ve missed a few slug changes along the story here.

“and grabs it off of a dresser” or “and grabs it off the dresser” reads better.

P.8 “(beat)” Huh? This seemed out of place on its lonesome.

“INT. ABBY’S HOUSE – CONTINUOUS” Should be Valerie’s house.

“Valerie appears downstairs” Did she just literally appear like magic or did she come down the stairs? Be more visual here.

P.9 “SCREAMS.” You had “screams” earlier in the script but it wasn’t capped, I wonder why? Both seemed to deserve it for the effect.

Overall an enjoyable read, it had a few little niggles but nothing that took me away from the story.

I think this shows your development and that’s a great sign so well done, buddy.

Good work.

Steve

Hey, Steve, thanks for the read as always, you've pointed out some good stuff I need to fix up. And lol at the werewolf thing, I had actually begun writing a werewolf script awhile back, guess I've just been in a horror mood lately.

It’s an ok vampire story.
To be honest, it's no different from other vampire stories I've come across.  
For some reason, I was expecting some kind of comedy (John Hughes "Adventures in Babysitting" and  Robert Rodriguez's "Four Rooms" segment was in my head)

Anyway, it’s structured well and you do a good job with the formatting/slug lines.
A couple of things though, why wouldn’t Abby suggest a glass of water when Valerie says she’s thirsty? She doesn’t know she’s a vampire yet. Seems odd.
I would add in some kind of time passed by when Abby falls asleep to when she wakes up to give the audience some kind of time frame as to how long she slept.
Something simple, maybe a digital clock/cell phone etc.

Overall, it was a good, quick read!
Good work.

Hey, Brandon

Quick read, straight forward. You had one revelation which was the family being vampires. There wasn’t much plot what can you do with only couple pages, and you did have something.

You still hit major beats. Including return of the killer where Abby thinks it was all dream but we see that it wasn’t. I will say try to show and not tell.  For example you say in the narrative she oblivious, but we’re already under the impression when she wakes thinking it was all a dream.

You mentioned you just wanted something to shoot real easy, and I think mission accomplished. I’m sure you’re just trying things as develop as a writer.


BLB

Hey, thanks for the feedback Steex and Busy, you make good points that I'll review if I ever rewrite this one.