Tommy by JRyans - Short, Family, Kids - An act of kindness leads a young boy to a far-reaching implication. 13 pages - pdf, format

Tommy II by JRyans - Short, Family, Kids - A  common deed of two young orphans becomes a passage leads them to the reality of their imaginaries. - pdf, format

James, sorry ,man, but this is a mess.

Read your logline first of all.  What in the world are you trying to say?  It makes no sense.

It's not surprising that your sentence structure in your actual script is also all over the place with different, incorrect tenses and nonsensical structure.  Lots and lots of very passive writing.

Maybe English is not your first language...I don't know, but this isn't going to work as written.

Sorry for coming off harshly, but you need to be aware of this.

Take care.

Dreamscale,

I didn't know this already up. Actually, it's still a work in progress. It was an overnight work. Took me about 2hrs to write without an outline and I knew it's going to be a mess. I already handed it to Simon. He's already halfway to finish. It'll be revived after Simon finished it.

More to come, thanks.

Jimmy.

Quoted from JR ...it's still a work in progress.

Then why on earth would you have submitted this do Don, who is obviously quite busy these days?

And please do not use this thread to copy-and-paste scene after scene after scene as with "Visit".

Get a final version, stash it away for a week, without peeking at it, then proof it, then submit.

Bert,

After I finished it, Tommy, then submitted it. Was thinking of someone else would help me because Simon was still working on the Visit. But it came to a surprise that he said he would take a look when I asked. I was afraid it'd be too much for him 'cause I'm not the only one he's helping with. And I said it's a work in progress because I already handed to him and he IS working on it rightnow.

And I'd like to say thanks to you for deleting my post of the scenes in the Visit which I said was the important scenes in its full version. Because I wasn't too sure before&after posting it. Then again, it came a surprise that you deleted it. Really, thanks.

And yes! Tommy is also a part of a feature lenght that I have in mind. And it's not just a feature lenght, it's a sequence. But don't worry, it'll be awhile before I start working on it since I am now working on something else.

And I apologize for posting scene after scene in the Visit, it's just because it came from the same source and I thought it would be easier having someone helping while working on it.

Jimmy,

Quoted Text Script submissions are closed until August 1, 2012. Or, until we've gotten caught up on past submissions.

Sweet, was finding a path to throw in the girl version of Tommy, Tommy 2(Lelia), then that popped up.

The revised script of Tommy is updated.

About half page longer and also credited to my co-writer, Simon, who helped me refine the story make it a lot easier to read. Thanks, Simon.

FYI - If you're a fan of Tommy, I encourage you to look forward to read the second piece, Tommy 2(Lelia). It's a side story of the Tommy about Lelia. Yes, it'll be more focused on Lelia than Tommy himself. It'll be a lot longer, actually, it's more than double size of Tommy, more than 20 pages. But the story is a lot better, I promise. Better plot and better style. I make the story a bit like emo-style, think about Harry Potter. I have included a scene from Tommy but I'm not going to tell or the story'll be spoiled. Due to the SS trying to catch up with their past submissions of scripts, it won't be up until next month or so.

I am working on the third piece now, it'll be called, Tommy 3(the Pact). Oop... I think I revealed too much but it's only title so, it's ok.

Thanks for reading and best to all,

Jimmy.

Well, now that the script is actually read to be reviewed, I gave it a look.

The good news is: this is a lot better than Visit.  To be brutally honest, I thought Visit was confusing and a bit boring.  Sorry, but it just wasn't for me.

This, at the very least, isn't confusing (thanks in large part to Simon's contribution).  It is well written, but I'm stuck on something.

Why would you divide this into three scripts, Jimmy?  Looking back on this, nothing really happened.  A boy was nice to a girl and gets adopted.  Has to choose between a new sister and a best friend at an orphanage.  Why not combine the three scripts into one feature or something?  This first part just left me dissatisfied.

I think anyone could agree that it would be more cohesive.  Would you rather watch three short films on one storyline or one feature?

All that said, there's not much else to fault it on.  The writing is fine and there's nothing blatantly sticking out.  Right now, though, it doesn't feel much like a story, but part of a bigger one.

Quoted Text The good news is: this is a lot better than Visit.  To be brutally honest, I thought Visit was confusing and a bit boring.  Sorry, but it just wasn't for me.

Visit is part of a fantasy. You need to take your time read it, slowly in order to make some sense out of it. If you speed-read, you'll left a lot of doubts... why that happened? Why David doesn't seem scare of Lilly? Why David is her connection? Why Lilly has to choose David to be her connection? Whoop... the answers are in the second piece. I'll shape it out and use the technique to "because" to all the "why's" that readers have in the Visit.

Quoted Text I think anyone could agree that it would be more cohesive.  Would you rather watch three short films on one storyline or one feature?

Exactly! That's what I had... maybe still have in mind. I have a few ideas racing in my head about Tommy and its sequences. 1/. I did bring it up and talked to Simon about turning all 3 pieces into 1 feature. But the idea kind of dropped when I realized that Simon doesn't seem to have much time for it. 2/. I kind of want to turn them 3 into children's books instead because the real feature of Tommy that I have in the outline are nothing like these pieces.

Quoted Text Right now, though, it doesn't feel much like a story, but part of a bigger one.

Well, once you read all 3 pieces, you'll be fulfilled.

Thanks for reading it and liked it,

Jimmy.

Hi Jimmy,

The first thing I have to ask you is, why is your name 'Jimmy' on SS, but on scripts you go by the name of James? Which one is your real name? lol.

Onto the script...

Wow, has your writing come a long way or what? Seriously, you've gone from an almost unreadable script, to something that flows well and is very easy to interpret (apart from a few things, which I'll get to, soon.). Getting Simon in on this one was a good decision on your part.

I've never seen a log-line on a page before the script actually starts. Seems a little weird to me, to be honest. Anybody who doesn't know that this is part of a three-script series when they discover that the log-line doesn't really apply to this script. Perhaps you want to make it more clear that this is in fact a three-part project?

Although your writing style is definitely  developing, there are a few tiny things that I think are worth mentioning. I still think you have problems with describing the important stuff. Take your character descriptions, for example. You hardly describe them at all. Now, I know that you getting on to your story is an important thing, but knowing your characters is just as important. They help tell the story, so spend a little more time when it comes to describing them.

For example...

"A woman stands by a bench, VICKY (26), sunglasses on, she videos with a mobile phone." - From a personal point of view, this description simply isn't enough. When we first see a character, we want to be able to make a judgement on that character, based on their appearance. How can we make a judgement, based on a characters age and the fact that they wear sunglasses? You may be thinking 'Vicky's a fairly average person, she wears fairly average clothes...' Then still take the time in describing these clothes. Makes your script more visual and on top of that, entertaining. It's a tricky thing, describing things without over-describing things, but it's something that all of us need learn.

I have to admit, when you have the PHONE SCREEN shots, I was a little confused. Are they watching a pre-recorded video, or are they filming it as it happens?

Page 3:

"VICKY

and Mark are talking to other adults next to the bench." - Try specify how big the group of adults are. Again, it's a visual thing. I can't see the bigger picture unless you paint it.

The decision to adopt Tommy seems a little unrealistic. There's no consultation between Mark and Vicky and it all just seems a bit weird. Surely a couple madly in love would at discuss making such a massive decision?? I don't know, just an idea.

Page 5: "turn-downed" should be "turned-down."

"Couples" should be "Couple."

Page 6: "Her face is pale, seems to know what is happening." - What IS happening? You're not particularly clear at this point. Has Tommy already dismissed the couple, or something along those lines? I know the answer to that question now, but at the time of reading, I was confused as hell.

I have to agree with Gage. This short doesn't feel like a short, at all. However, it does feel like an opening to a feature-length. And a pretty could feature-length, at that.

Although, this doesn't feel like it's going places, yet, I'm still sold for the next part of it. I'm incredibly interested in reading Tommy2 now

Overall, a good job. Give yourself a pat on the back and shout yourself a drink. Your writing has improved, so spare the time to be proud of that. And make sure you thank Simon, as I suspect he has a fair bit to do with the actual writing.

Keep up the good work

Daniel

James = Official -- Jimmy = Nick -- solved?

Quoted Text Wow, has your writing come a long way or what? Seriously, you've gone from an almost unreadable script, to something that flows well and is very easy to interpret (apart from a few things, which I'll get to, soon.). Getting Simon in on this one was a good decision on your part.

Thanks to Simon.

Quoted Text I've never seen a log-line on a page before the script actually starts. Seems a little weird to me, to be honest. Anybody who doesn't know that this is part of a three-script series when they discover that the log-line doesn't really apply to this script. Perhaps you want to make it more clear that this is in fact a three-part project?

I figured having the logline before the story kind of giving the reader a hint to the story before starting to read it. I know it's weird because none has done before but it's not a script to produce or in a competition, is it? And the logline does apply to the story, not to all the 3 pieces. Each piece owns its own logline.

Quoted Text Although your writing style is definitely  developing, there are a few tiny things that I think are worth mentioning. I still think you have problems with describing the important stuff. Take your character descriptions, for example. You hardly describe them at all. Now, I know that you getting on to your story is an important thing, but knowing your characters is just as important. They help tell the story, so spend a little more time when it comes to describing them.

I'm all ears.

Quoted Text A woman stands by a bench, VICKY (26), sunglasses on, she videos with a mobile phone." - From a personal point of view, this description simply isn't enough. When we first see a character, we want to be able to make a judgement on that character, based on their appearance. How can we make a judgement, based on a characters age and the fact that they wear sunglasses? You may be thinking 'Vicky's a fairly average person, she wears fairly average clothes...' Then still take the time in describing these clothes. Makes your script more visual and on top of that, entertaining. It's a tricky thing, describing things without over-describing things, but it's something that all of us need learn.

Are you saying Vicky wearing no clothes? Are you imagine my characters are naked? lmao... Just kidding! Are you sure about describing each character on what they wear? I already feel kind of weird just to think of it. Is it neccessary to do that? The way I see, It's just a short script. Actually, I did mention abit about her, though. She's blond and having her hair tied in pigtail and wearing jean. But after I handed it to Simon, he stripped her off. lmao... Kidding! But yeah, I did mention her that way and I think Simon must have thought that it's just a short script so, it's not neccessaary to have those descriptions up there. And I kind of think so too. Short script should simply focus on the story. But you're also right, though. If Vicky is sitting in the office or at a workplace somewhere, then we should put some clothes on her. But that's in the playground, of course we all know who's wearing what as regular basic bla bla... I'm sure you know what I meant.

Quoted Text I have to admit, when you have the PHONE SCREEN shots, I was a little confused. Are they watching a pre-recorded video, or are they filming it as it happens?

Seriously? I don't really get you here. Are you confused or the story confused you? Are you speed-read? Yes, you are. The only way you get that confused is because you didn't get throught the whole story in order or skip-read here and there. If you did, I don't think that'd happened. Of course, they filming as it happens. Make way, I'mma punch Dan in the face to bring him back. lols.. Just kdding!

Quoted Text and Mark are talking to other adults next to the bench." - Try specify how big the group of adults are. Again, it's a visual thing. I can't see the bigger picture unless you paint it.

Ah man, it's in the park. How big you want me to paint? the whole damn park? Come on, man. You can visualize it yourself. You're one of the writers, shouldn't you already have some kind of the vision?

Quoted Text The decision to adopt Tommy seems a little unrealistic. There's no consultation between Mark and Vicky and it all just seems a bit weird. Surely a couple madly in love would at discuss making such a massive decision?? I don't know, just an idea.

I did mention that outside the church office when they having their conversation with Sisiter Leah before leaving the church. On page 9. Please, go check it out again.

Quoted Text Page 5: "turn-downed" should be "turned-down."

Shuck!! I did say "turn-downed" what in the world. HAHA... Thanks.

Quoted Text "Couples" should be "Couple."[quote] Thanks. This always happens to me from time to time. i keep thinking two people should have an S. But it takes two to make "a" couple. Typo-ish. [quote]Page 6: "Her face is pale, seems to know what is happening." - What IS happening? You're not particularly clear at this point. Has Tommy already dismissed the couple, or something along those lines? I know the answer to that question now, but at the time of reading, I was confused as hell.

Imagine, they're in the orphanage. THe two are best friend. They sure get the idea of someone come to visit anyone and they know "what is happening" that they're going to be aparted by one get adopted. Dan, excuse me for saying this, but you don't seem to have acknowledge of anything about the orphanage, do you? Or maybe it's me. I thought everybody knows about things like that. I'm pretty sure, in the second piece will confuse you even more because it plays out a lot more than this piece. Plus, it's even longer, 27 pages. Almost 3 times the origine.

Quoted Text I have to agree with Gage. This short doesn't feel like a short, at all. However, it does feel like an opening to a feature-length. And a pretty could feature-length, at that.

No! Both of you are wrong. If I didn't revealed about having other pieces, I don't think you get the idea of having the other pieces. You keep thinking it's a part of a feature. But it "wasn't" I didn't plan for the feature when I started writing it. I mentioned somewhere in my post that the feature I planned in the outline are nothing like it. Honestly, the feature is about those kids grown up. ShiiT! it's a lot of killing. I turn Tommy into a killing machine, a fugitive. I don't mean the sci-fi killing machine, I mean the killing for revenge. I shouldn't revealed this, but you seem too confused. The thing is, I now burried myself in the kid version, it shouldn't be happening at all, the feature of the kid version, i mean. But the ideas keep popping up and I can't help but to continue writing it. You're right at one thing, I did plan to have the very first part of the first piece(Tommy) in the grown up version. Only to tell that Tommy is their adopted son and that is all. But now... KA'BOOM!!! I'm deep in the ocean of kid version. Funny, isn't it? But I'm still going to pursue for the grown up version. I just have to finish this kid version first. It's almost there.

Quoted Text Although, this doesn't feel like it's going places, yet, I'm still sold for the next part of it. I'm incredibly interested in reading Tommy2 now

Umm... Are you sure? Because you seem very confusing in this piece, 10 pages. You're sure you can handle three times of its size? For instance, I can't wait for you to read it, I want to know if you can handle it. lolz... Just a hunch, the third is more confusing than these two, loads of flashbacks, cut back and forth between their presents and pasts. More pages and additional combinations of the part1 and part2. That's why I feel like I don't want to release the 3rd piece and in exchange, I want to turn all 3 into a feature in stead because it contains both of them 1 & 2. I think I just said, " them 2." It sounds pretty cool, them2, them3 lolz...

Quoted Text Overall, a good job. Give yourself a pat on the back and shout yourself a drink. Your writing has improved, so spare the time to be proud of that. And make sure you thank Simon, as I suspect he has a fair bit to do with the actual writing.

Can't thank him enough. I mean Simon.

Thanks for taking a glance at it. I appreciate it and if I have said something that might causes... you know, an issue. Please, just ignore it. It's just me. lolz...

Call me "JR" if you find it hard to follow my actual name and nick.

-JR-

Hey JR,

Quoted from JR Umm... Are you sure? Because you seem very confusing in this piece, 10 pages. You're sure you can handle three times of its size? For instance, I can't wait for you to read it, I want to know if you can handle it. lolz... Just a hunch, the third is more confusing than these two, loads of flashbacks, cut back and forth between their presents and pasts. More pages and additional combinations of the part1 and part2. That's why I feel like I don't want to release the 3rd piece and in exchange, I want to turn all 3 into a feature in stead because it contains both of them 1 & 2. I think I just said, " them 2." It sounds pretty cool, them2, them3 lolz...

There was only that PHONE SCREEN thing that confused me in the entire script. To me, it didn't read particularly well and it wasn't a personal jab at you, at all.

As to the clothes thing, I'd go with Simon's judgement on the matter. He is more experienced and definitely knows more about writing than I do haha.

I didn't speed read. If I had, your review wouldn't have been as long as it is. When I get asked to review something, I make damn sure I do a proper job on it. Speed-reading, therefore, is out of the question.

Quoted from JR Dan, excuse me for saying this, but you don't seem to have acknowledge of anything about the orphanage, do you? Or maybe it's me. I thought everybody knows about things like that.

Mate, in all honesty, I've never set foot inside an orphanage, which is why I think you should describe things like this with a more visual mind. JMHO.

Anyway, good to see you're not telling me to fuck off and threatening to spit in my face JK

Daniel

Quoted Text Anyway, good to see you're not telling me to fuck off and threatening to spit in my face JK

Lol to that.

I think I'm the only one who threaten people to spit in their faces lolz... I did spit on two people, though. A friend and an ex.

He mocked me and teased me because I losed a race, a motorcycle race. It wasn't an official race. We raced on a traffic road against the other team for a couple hundred dollars just to look kool and stuffs. You know, teenagers. It wasn't here in the states, it was in the previous country where I'm originally from. I was already pissed from the losing and he kept teasing and mocking... You and I the same, I don't think anybody can take it. Imagine, you bring a can of gas and pour over on a pile of fire. You're damn sure gonna get burned. He's shorter and skinnier, I knew I can't get physical with him so, I spitted in his face instead. Lolz... God, it was in the public. In a coffee shop where we usually hung out. Most of our friends were there and other people, too. I humiliated him in front of the public. He didn't deserve it. I wish I could that back.

And my ex, she was b*tching, shouting at me and stuffs. It wasn't in public, though. It was in our room. We were fighting over something I don't remember. We fought over a lot of things. Lolz... That girl really knew how to push your button. I almost slap her but I'm not that kind of guy. There's no way I'd get myself in trouble for hitting a girl. I think she meant for me to lay a hand on her so, she can sue me over. Then BAM! She get spitted in the face in stead and left the room, crying. Not long after then, we broke up. Yes! This happened in the states a few years ago.

Ever since, when I get into an altercation with somebody, I always threaten to spit on their faces in stead of get involved in physical. Otherwise, both sides will get hurt. Plus, spitting will hurt the person's feeling even more by humiliating them in public. But you can still get ticket if cops catch you spit in public. Not in someone's face, but if they sue you, that's different. -JR-

W...T...F?

Dude...easy, bro.  What fucking country are you from?  You're butchering the English language.

Quoted from Dreamscale W...T...F?

WTF indeed.

I'm sorry but I have to say that spitting at someone is one of the most disgusting and offensive things you can do, and why you would share this little story is beyond me.

And as for this.

Quoted from danbotha Anyway, good to see you're not telling me to fuck off and threatening to spit in my face.

If this is indeed the case, I have on idea why Dan is still talking to you let alone leaving you feedback. He's a better and more bland person than me, put it that way.

As for the script, I've read it but it didn't do a lot for me. Just not my thing at all I'm afraid.

Steve

P.S Simon's surname is still spelled wrong.

Quoted from JR And my ex, she was b*tching, shouting at me and stuffs. It wasn't in public, though. It was in our room. We were fighting over something I don't remember. We fought over a lot of things. Lolz... That girl really knew how to push your button. I almost slap her but I'm not that kind of guy. There's no way I'd get myself in trouble for hitting a girl. I think she meant for me to lay a hand on her so, she can sue me over. Then BAM! She get spitted in the face in stead and left the room, crying. Not long after then, we broke up. Yes! This happened in the states a few years ago.

They say there's a time and place for everything, but seriously man, that's the sort of thing that I go NATO at hearing. Spitting in someone's face is disrespectful and just plain disgusting. And to think I thought your threats weren't serious!! And I can't just ignore the fact that you spat in a woman's face!! That... Pisses... me... off...

Goodbye.

Quoted from Dreamscale W...T...F? Dude...easy, bro.  What fucking country are you from?  You're butchering the English language.

Well, that's just obvious! I was wondering if you even read your own words. You're literally "butchering" it yourself by asking people where they're from with an F word upfront their country.

For a moment there, I thought you were kool guy. The first comment seemed nice and cozy, then BAM! jumped in and tossed a nonsense comment. Take a look at your avatar there, if you're gonna put up a real pic of yourself, upload the one with your face, not your back head and tell people that's your real hair. That's just plain stupid!

"--butchering english language" <<< is that even a word?

-JR-

Coop... Cooper... My man, <<< lol to that.

Why am I not surprised! You just popped right in when somebody's trying to make a "drama" in my scripts' threads. You really have a thing about me, do you, Coop. What I did do?... Oh right, I commented on your script and called it a "blond joke." That offends you a little. But look at the bright side, it sounds more as a compliment than a criticism. It's a good thing that you can turn a short joke into a script, isn't it? Not everybody can do that. I can't do that... Well, maybe I can. lmao... But I'd prefer having my brain generates the story by itsself. We all have different talents, do we? Some people need a copied key to unlock the door while others already have one in their hands.

"--the most disgusting and offensive things--" Exactly! If the person didn't "disgust" me with his/her actions, none of that'd happened. Sic?

Quoted Text If this is indeed the case, I have on idea why Dan is still talking to you let alone leaving you feedback. He's a better and more bland person than me, put it that way.

I think I have an idea, you support Dan then, BAM! Dan jumps in and support you back. Ain't that something? Good teammates, eh? Thumb up! for both of you. You see Coop, some people just can't do the "kiss-azz" thing. It's not that they don't want to do, the fact is that, they just can't.

Quoted Text As for the script, I've read it but it didn't do a lot for me. Just not my thing at all I'm afraid.

You don't give up, do you? Trying to trash people's scripts by tossing around the same all the time? Don't you get tired of using them? It gets very old to me once I realize that it's been used twice over my scripts' threads. My advice is, you do need a new words to do it with. When an american said, "it's getting old" or "it gets old" which means it gets very annoying and if you still persue to using them, you'll end up... most likely to "disgust" them. Now I don't have to say what would happen after you disgust them, do I? If I could, Coop, I would tell you in "your face" to stay away from my scripts. I don't need people like to get anywhere near my script, per se. Simon was right, there ARE script-trashers running around the site. Fear-1, people like Ozz Rudd. Fear-2, script-trashers.

Quoted Text P.S Simon's surname is still spelled wrong.

You're kinda slow, are you, Coop? Maybe try to expend your POV a little wider next time before jump into a conclusion. I submitted the script before Simon told me about the spelling.

Just a doubt beyond all of these, how does it feel playing the bad guy(bad cop)? Yes! I do mean refer it to, "good cop, bad cop" routine.

-JR-

Quoted Text They say there's a time and place for everything, but seriously man, that's the sort of thing that I go NATO at hearing. Spitting in someone's face is disrespectful and just plain disgusting. And to think I thought your threats weren't serious!! And I can't just ignore the fact that you spat in a woman's face!! That... Pisses... me... off...

Dan, lil dan... danny boy, <<< lolz...

You were serious, right? When you told me you're 17yr-old... I'm in my 20s. But to me, you're just a kid. You've got a talent of writing scripts, how kool is that! When I was a teen, I'd never thought of all these writing things. None... Zero. I was busy being kool, racing motorcycle, and hung out a lot, wooing beautiful-hot girls and stuffs. Well, beside the motorcycle race, I think I still am. lmao... Can't argue with the part "beautiful-hot girls," I admid.

Now let's talk lolz... the bove was just a warm up.

I see you defend the fact that I spitted in my ex's face. But think again Dan, do you care "why" I did that? Do you know the whole story behide that spit? If you throw a word, "I dont' care" then I'll assume you're ignorant. Ignorant people are careless. One wierd thing about me Dan, I don't talk to ignorant(s). Wait, I don't think that wierd. Let's scratch that. BAM! Scratched.

But if you do care, let me whisper you onething... a loud whisper, I supposed lolz... this "onething" it may or may not change "the fact that" you're still gonna defend but give yourself a chance to listen, aye? So, this one among more things that caused me to do what I did. Let me repeat, "one among others." there was once, lil Dan... she had a knife in her hand and trying to stab me in the neck. If I hadn't block with a hand, I'd ended up in an obituary page of the papers or in the headline news of any news station. It left me a few scars on my hand, left hand to be precised. And if you're doubted that I made that up, I have a proof that I did call 911 when it happened, "while it was happening." I'm sure thay have it recorded as an evidence. No, it didn't happen at the time when I spat at her. It was either a few weeks or a few months before. So Dan, still interest in persuing on my personal info? Be my guest, lil bro.

You see Dan, there was a cause before the effect. Do not jump right into a conclusion and judge before knowing it all. And I tell you this, I've never regretted that I did. She deserved it, fairly. Yes, there was a reason that she had that knife in hand poking toward my neck. But I'm not gonna say it because I don't think it matters. All I can say is that, she admitted it later after she found out the truth.

Quoted Text Good bye.

This farewell you tossed at me, not a diddly shiit. Not one bit effect me, None... Zero! Don't flattered youself now Dan. I didn't tell you all of the above for trying to get you thrown away the "good bye" and turn around. No! I told you for one reason and only, you're just a kid. And I never mind kid. But you still have your choices, you can grant your own word and keep walking away or you can still stick around and toss a few words here and there on my script(s). It's up to you.

One more thing, though... you think I give a shiit about those few who's known as "contribute members" in SS? I don't. If they want to stick their hands in my scripts and willing to discuss and help with the issues, they're always welcome. But if they think about trashing my scripts, I don't want them get anywhere near my scripts. Hear this last thing, I will just not spit in their faces, I will shhart in it.

Wow.

Don should require new users to take a survey before they're allowed to join the boards. Things are getting crazy around here.

Guy spitting in people's faces...MACHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

I think lil' Jimmy is on his way out...at least I hope he is.

I don't think I've ever seen such abuse of the English language.  It's funny as shit, but sad at the same time.  Maybe that scar on your left hand is causing some of the errors...who knows.

OK, Jimbo, you may indeed be all the way up in your 20's, but I think it's obvious you need to go home to Mommy and Daddy for a good old fashioned whipping and well they're at it, maybe they can wash that disgusting mouth out with Lava soap.

Later.

Jimmy, you really need to take a step back and examine what's going on here.

From the very beginning you were defensive about your scripts.  If anyone said they were good (and let's be honest now, very few actually did) you were ecstatic, but if you ever got criticism, they were "wrong" and you always had a rebuttal for it.

If someone didn't like your script, you lashed out at them.

On your "Visit" thread (with over half your posts being on that thread alone) you made some pointless comment about how your cousins are trying to steal your script or something.

Now, on this thread, you go off on a rant about doing a very disgusting act - spitting on people?

You've only posted on three or four scripts that aren't your own.  You lash out at some of the most respected members of the board.  And worst of all, your scripts aren't even that great but you assume we're all your "fans".

Tell me Jimmy, what do you contribute to this board?  I've tried to hold my tongue for a while now, but when it's so hard to get through your scripts when you don't have the assistance of Simon, and you still manage to insult GOOD WRITERS by saying that they're high or mentally deficient.

I have to give you this, though: your posts are the most hilarious thing I've read on this site in quite a while.  Sadly, that's unintentional.

Now, I bet if you took a break and cooled down, things could fix themselves.  Take a break.  Don't post on the boards for awhile.  Come back in a few days and say you're sorry, and maybe these folks will forgive you.

Alternatively, you could do the predictable thing and quote my post, followed by a lengthy series of half-cooked insults.  What the hell, call me "retarded" and spit at your monitor, pretending its my face.  I don't care.

Your choice, Jimmy.

This guy is a troll. Probably someone who got banned. Keep that in mind before feeding it.

My last comment before I leave you the hell alone...

Don't ever underestimate people because of their age. You only have to watch the olympics to find people my age winning gold medals.

Yes, I am a kid and yes I still have a heap to learn, but I sure as hell wouldn't dream of questioning anybody on SS. I owe a lot to these people. That is why I jumped to Coops defense. And that's why I would jump to anyones defense.

Grow up.

Quoted from danbotha My last comment before I leave you the hell alone... Don't ever underestimate people because of their age. You only have to watch the olympics to find people my age winning gold medals. Yes, I am a kid and yes I still have a heap to learn, but I sure as hell wouldn't dream of questioning anybody on SS. I owe a lot to these people. That is why I jumped to Coops defense. And that's why I would jump to anyones defense. Grow up.

To be fair, and I haven't done too much reading up on this thread -- I think he kind of gave you a complement.  

He said, in a round about way, when he was your age he didn't have the dedication to writing as you do.  He then said he was off being cool, riding bikes, pickin' up women and other triple A awesome things and that he didn't have the desire or passion for writing that you "seem" to have.

Can't get more complimentary than that, man.  I think everyone needs to back up, breath and stop bickering here to be honest.  Maybe Bert should come in and lock the thread and allow heated heads a cool down period.

Quoted from ABennettWriter Wow. Don should require new users to take a survey before they're allowed to join the boards. Things are getting crazy around here.

I know, right?!

Quoted from Gage --And worst of all, your scripts aren't even that great but you assume we're all your "fans".

Of all the bla... I can only hear this part a bit clearier so, 'm just gonna quoted over it.

I do think all of the readers who read my scripts as its fans. But I particularly appointed only to those who have read them and liked them. So, not everyone, "only the one that like them." If you don't really like it, and you don't really want to be called a "fan," don't worry, I can assure you that I have no intention of forcing you or anyone to be.

Quoted from Dreamscale --abuse of the English language.

All of the bla... only the above...

I seriously think that you are trying to cause something here. You keep saying I abuse the language. Which part particularly? All of them? Or only the part that I said I spat in someone's face? What are you-- a language analysis? Becareful when you attemp to accuse someone with something, make sure you have enough proof to accuse him with.

You're sounded different from others in here. They only focus on the part that I spat in people's faces. But you're trying to veer this thing into a different road or trying to cause the issue bigger.

If any of you here who really think of yourself a good person, you don't try to cause the problem bigger but to make it smaller and vanish. Try to be a problem solve, not to be a trouble-maker. Be the trouble-maker in your own script. Like I am  

Quoted from greg This guy is a troll. Probably someone who got banned. Keep that in mind before feeding it.

Who is this nerdy looking lil guy...

greg! Hi there,
Howho are you? how/who are you? lolz... I dno't really get what you are trying to refer to. Let just make the assumption, savvy? If you suspect me of a previous user got banned from the site, I raise my hand and honestly say, I am not. So, you're calling me name, huh? You sound really cute when you say, "this guy is a troll," I meant it. Know what happen when I read it? I shaked my head and chuckled, hilariously. Try to make a high-pitch voice with the words, "This guy is a troll." You'll see what I meant.

Can I talk to Angry Bear now? Please!

Quoted from Angry Bear Guy spitting in people's faces...MACHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Angry Bear,

Hi!

I finally got your attention, huh? Thanks for being here. Love those glasses. And the way you wear it with that smile? Wow...

So, what sport do you play? Do you play pingpong? Tennis-table, I mean. One of the sport that get me sweat real fast but tireless.

So, where are you from? The swamp...? So, you live closed to a lake? a pond? Bet the view gives you a lot of freshing ideas to write. I am writing the Visit 2.0, if you have read the thread in the Visit, you'll know what I meant. I have a scene about the pond in the back of the cabin. I'm sure the idea of the pond or lake would easily get into the action for you when you write. I did the research and busting my own azz, excuse the language, just trying to express my words... I couldn't really describe it well enough even for myself to hear it that clear, was hoping you would give a damn to read and help me with the part. Or if you want the whole thing, I'd love you to have it.

let me know, -JR-

Quoted from danbotha Don't ever underestimate people because of their age. You only have to watch the olympics to find people my age winning gold medals.

Yes, many of the Olympic athletes are teens and they've been practicing for their entire life. Have you been writing since you were 3 or 4 years old? No, you haven't, so stop comparing yourself to them. I don't know you, but I know that you're not a gold medal winning screenwriter. Because that isn't an Olympic sport.

Bert, I think it's time for this thread to be locked and maybe a few people suspended.

I have changed my mind about releasing Tommy2(Lelia). In return, I'll only release its one page Synopsis. This Syn will be a lot of secrets to be unlocked unless you have read the script.

I might have it released later but I want to see how all 3pcs work out together after I finish the 3rd piece. Yes! Tommy3(The Pact). It's still a work in progress.

I'm shifting between 3 scripts now. The Connection Part 1, Tommy3 and another one about the war. So, it'll take awhile.

Thanks for your support. If you think you do. Lolz...

-JR-

Went into this blind. Gave it a read because it's 'Script of the Day'.

Wish I'd read the thread before reading the script! Sorry. Not going to comment further for obvious reasons!

Despite the fact that somehow this thread went from a fair script analysis to being reminiscent of my days as an eleven year old on Myspace, I'm going to critique Tommy. Why? Because I read it and I am too self important to do things pro bono.

The only word I can think of to describe how the story played out is ... quaint. It was a nice little story about a boy being adopted out of an orphanage, but it seemed to go on for too long considering that nothing particularly interesting happened. Yes, adoption is great. However stories like this, where there's no giant twist, no explosive action, no red herrings, require a stronger appeal to pathos than a metaphoric science fiction tale about the dangers of technology might.

Since this is the sort of thing that could very well be happening right now, in order to make it work as a screenplay the audience must connect strongly with the trials and/or at the very least, the characters. For some reason I really only cared about Lelia and Ashley, the latter probably because she was introduced first, the former because she struck me as more proactive than the other kids ("You gave it to that little girl. I saw you."). I don't know, it seemed like she was more than a plot piece. Tommy was just there to be adopted, Vicky and Mark were there to adopt, and Leah was invented to carry out the proceedings. They didn't seem to hold their own as characters. Aside for the fact that he's a child with a whole future ahead of him, I would have cared less if the script had ended with Tommy's spontaneous combustion on account of latent lactose intolerance.

Before I get to page specific criticisms, I want to say that this wasn't entirely badly written. Nothing mindblowing, but neither is my work, none of which has yet to even be posted because Don probably feels ashamed to put it on his site. The story itself didn't culminate in anything too powerful (Ashley running to give Tommy a hug?) which left me feeling slightly unsatisfied, but not to the point where I would say reading it was a waste of time. Also, I completed the script without the knowledge of this being a three part project. I must say that I feel opposite of the popular opinion and didn't get the sense that this was part of a larger project. It felt very open and close, just not in a way that punched me in the gut the way stories of poor lonely children who finally find families typically try to.

• (p1) "A woman stands by the bench, Vicky (26)" could be shortened to "VICKY (26) stands by the bench."
  
• (p1) Also you could take away the line "A BENCH" prior to the aforementioned sentence and instead jump immediately to "VICKY (26) stands by a bench..." since simply writing "A BENCH" presents the image of a lone unattended to bench that's meant to be focused on.
  
• (p1) "on the bench sits - MARK." "on" should be capitalized, the dash after "sits" can be removed.
  
• (p1) The phrase "knocks her butt on the ground" read really weird to me. I imaged her repeatedly bumping her butt against the ground in some kind of synchronized dance.
  
• (p1) This is a problem I spotted multiple times throughout the script. Almost every time you mention a character's name, that name receives its own line, then the remainder of the sentence is typed on the following line. Not doing this is probably not a rule, but it read spotty to me. For instance: "VICKY *new line* brings her phone to Mark." Firstly, once a character has been introduced his or her name does not need to be capitalized any more times in the screenplay. Secondly, this written as one sentence reads a lot more nicely and helps cut space, reducing the number of pages for the piece. There's at least one of this case on virtually every page.
  
• (p2) Along the lines of the above, the ice cream exchange sequence could be reduced to one or two paragraphs.
  
• (p3) Another occurrence that emerges more than once is your misplaced use of parentheticals. (defeated) here is not necessary. The statement itself is enough of a clue as to the tone of Tommy's sentiment.
  
• (p3) "Lelia pretends like an adult." Pretends what? Pretends to be an adult by taking a deep breath? Or does she simply pretend, as all adults do? Those infamous tax paying baby boomer pretenders.
  
• (p4) Why is "(clears throat)" included? Not sure if Man #2 clearing his throat is a key detail to the conversation.
  
• (p4) "They're from a Church." "Church" doesn't need to be capitalized.
  
• (p4) "The one's in a blue T-shirt." The possessive "one's" makes sense, but verbally it would sound misleading, as if all the kids in the group being pointed at were wearing blue shirts. Also, "T-shirt" should be in lowercase.
  
• (p4) What is "ye--ah"? Is she being sarcastic, like "yeeeeeah (obviously)"? Or is she singing, like "yeeeeeeah (it's a party in the U-S-A)"?
  
• (p4) If I were revising this, I would change the heading to include the name of the church, instead of just CHURCH. So: INT. ST AUGUSTINE CHURCH - OFFICE - DAY, and follow the same procedure as required throughout the script. In this case it would negate the need to include "a Sister in St. Augustine's church" in Leah's description as it would already be implied.
  
• (p5) "nods, agreed." should be "nods, agrees."
  
• (p5) "that kind of couple" might read better as "the kind of couple."
  
• (p5) The beats seem extraneous. I wouldn't say they add any suspense or tension. The lines they're in look fine without them.
  
• (p5) "See, how it plays out." No comma needed.
  
• (p5) "(smiles)" shouldn't be a parenthetical. Parentheticals are used, to my understanding, to dictate how to say a line that may be misinterpreted. Such as:
  
  CHRIS
  (angrily)
  I love you, okay?
  
  Smile is a verb, thus your parenthetical could be written as an action before the dialogue. Observe.
  
  Leah smiles.
  
  LEAH
  Yes, it is. We'll go and see him.
  
  
• (p5) "children at the tables, eat lunch." Omit the comma here too. Children at the tables eat lunch. No pause necessary.
  
• (p6) "gets the picture." I would have used "gets the message." I take getting the picture to mean something more along the lines of understanding the scope of things. If someone asks if Lelia understands the implications of her releasing a virus into the world, she'd say she gets the picture. Here however, Tommy indirectly communicates something to her, she gets the message.
  
• (p6) "the picture, and..." So many commas, so little time.
  
• (p6) Entrance need not be repeated. Capitalize "double door entrance" then move to the next sentence.
  
• (p6) "pushes to open..." The ellipses doesn't exactly serve a purpose other than to force anticipation for the reader. It feels inauthentic, and semi-insulting. You should remove it.
  
• (p6) You can remove the second "ENTRANCE" heading as well. "Vicky and Mark enter" is enough. It's clear where they're coming from.
  
• (p6) "she also smiles" could be a new sentence.
  
• (p6) "lowers" should be singular.
  
• (p7) The exclamation point after "Vicky!" threw me off. I envisioned her squealing like a 90's baby meeting N'Sync or yelling her name out. I think a period would suffice.
  
• (p7) "Scans between them" also read odd, as if he was scanning the space between them. Maybe "back and forth between them" would be better. Later you write "shifts his gaze between..." Use something along those lines.
  
• (p7) "Children's" need not be capitalized.
  
• (p7) "You don't remember us..." But he does. He asked, "Have we met before?" It's not as though the three had a conversation back in the park that he doesn't recall but they do. They watch him, he saw them, they all remember.
  
• (p7) "(nods)" Again, this parenthetical is an action.
  
• (p7) Her eyes redden? Sounds like infuriated, smoke out of ears anger. Maybe her eyes well instead of redden.
  
• (p9) "(laughs)" is an action.
  
• (p9) Change "bring" to "brings" in "bring us all together."
  
• (p9) Again, the beat seems thrown in for artificial effect. Perhaps add a line similar to "Leah eyes the couple questioningly" in place of the parenthetical.
  
• (p9) "of course, we do." Comma, goodbye.
  
• (p9) "EXIT" is used primarily in stage plays. "She exits" seems more appropriate for this type of work.
  
• (p10) "and... the sun SHINES..." You can removes the ellipses here for the same reasons I mentioned before. It's just like the beats, trying to establish a dramatic pause where one isn't necessary. Also, lower case SHINES would be fine, though upper case isn't too much of a problem.
  
• (p10) Correct me if I'm wrong but "FADE IN:" is usually left aligned.
  
• (p10) "SHINES on... TOMMY'S FACE." One line, omit ellipses.
  
• (p10) Why must the scampering children be seen from Tommy's POV? Unless his POV is blurred or different in a way relevant to the story it shouldn't matter. All that's important is that the playing children are shown. You can subtract the POV shot.
  
• (p10) "a... SWING." Ellipses.
  
• (p11) "open his mouth." Change the verb to "opens."
  

Someone mentioned on the first page that the use of the phone screens was confusing. I agree. I was under the impression that they were recording the kids initially then when Vicky would show a video to Mark it was prerecorded from earlier. But if I understand you correctly, Vicky was pointing out currently recording video of the kids to her husband. Why would she show him Tommy playing through her phone screen when he's sitting right in front of them? Why were the children being recorded at all? I thought that would play some significance in the story, as it very well might since this is three parts, but as it stands it seems sketchy that two adult strangers are recording orphan kids in order to decide which to adopt.

Which brings me to the fact that Tommy's indoctrination into the family seemed hasty. Mark and Vicky didn't appear to spend much time deliberating nor did Tommy have much a say in the matter following Sister Leah's strict admonition that he was extremely picky and would have to concede before further proceeding.

I know that was a lot. I also know that was really critical. Sorry, I do these things because they makes me feel superior. All in all the script wasn't bad, simply bland. I didn't finish feeling like I read anything spectacular. Then again if the words are not on a food label, I usually don't.

Quoted from rolo Wish I'd read the thread before reading the script! Sorry. Not going to comment further for obvious reasons!

Commenting with a comment that says you're not going to comment.

Genius.

Commenting with a comment about the commenter's comment commenting refusal to comment.

Even more genius.

(Is the word "comment" beginning to look impossible to exist to anyone else?)

Thanks tendai_moyo,

Not all of the above you've mentioned are rights-- but not all the "not-rights" are wrong either. Guess, different people 've got different opinion, different way of writting/to write. If u know what i mean. Well, I did change a few things, though after this last script submission(Tommy).

Check out my second piece, Tommy2(Lelia), it'll be up after simplyscript caught up with their scripts. btw, i did submit a one page synopsis of Tommy2, but it's seemed never shown here-- i decided to release the whole script. it's 27pages so, brace urself. lolz... So-- food lebel eh?

To rolo,

gotta give me something, man. Why did u comment a comment that you're not going to comment over a comment that u're not going to comment? lmao...

JR,

Ps-- I want to apologize to all writers who involved in the issue, youngs and olds-- it was so child-ish. I litterally lmao once i went back and read a few of them. I think they're hilarious--so, I decided not to remove them. I kind of think they're entertaining, don't u? (i'm still laughing)

I was surfing around the web looking for TommyII for awhile before landing here. I didn't know they can fit two titles in the same page.
Now readers can read the stories continuously without leaving the page to look for its sequence(s). How nice!

For those who have no clue what I'm refering to-- TommyII(Lelia) is right under the title Tommy where you click to get to the script.

Thanks,

JR.

Ps, TommyIII(The Pact) is coming soon.