Hey Toby,

Thanks for the read. This was my first try at comedy and something I'll try again down the road but as far as jokes go I agree there wasn't much there in the beginning. I actually had thought of some more material for the banter between Kevin and Susan but I decided against it at the end. I just didn't know if everything I came up with would be considered funny in the story. But hey you never know unless you take a risk.

Thanks again Toby! Let me know if I can read something of yours.

Hey, Dirk. I sent you my review and notes. Best of luck to you, if you choose to give this a rewrite. =)

Hey Dirk, Happy Holidays, brother.  Just found this.

Hilarious.  Very funny.

Reminds me very much of No Meat...so...I'm hoping you're taking the piss here.

Regardless, it is funny as fuck and I don't think that an be denied.

Happy Holidays to you to Jeff,

I'm glad you found it funny.   But if you thought this was funny, read my OWC. Talk about a real pisser. Total crap! I asked Don to remove it but I may be too late, so if I am maybe I have something that will compete with Cowboy Sam!

Interesting read.  To make it a little more believable, how about introducing Ali into the script.  During the gazing out the window scene at the questionable movers, Ali can enter with her imaginary friend and say, "Mom, Dad... I can't find Little Girl", and so on.  Also Kevin talks about Ali like a red headed step child, IMO.  All in all, it had my attention to the end, but a little more tweaking is needed.

Dawn

Thanks Dawn for the read. Let me know if I can return the favor.

After the first of the year I will be rewriting the script and I've already thought about including Ali at the beginning. I agree with Kevin coming off like he doesn't care much for his daughter. Again I will be changing that a bit as well.

Happy Holidays to you!

- Dirk

Hey Dirk.

Just took a read, and I did find it entertaining for a comedy.  The characters read a little weird and unbelievable at times, but I'll get into that in a moment.

First, I thought I'd mention a little something about the on the nose dialogue.  Someone brought it up before and you asked for examples, but I don't think any were brought up, so I thought I'd give you a few.

In your first scene, you have Susan start three sentences off with the word 'so...'.  All three of those are perfect examples of on the nose dialogue.  She's taking way too long to explain everything, and it just feels like a setup.  Not natural.  If you go back and read that dialogue over again outloud, you might be able to tell how stilted that reads.

What read weird to me is Kevin just simply walking into a new family's house and plops down alcohol right on their countertop?  No knock or nothing.  Again, that just seems forced for the setup of the rest of the story.  Maybe at least have him knock and Krista yells out 'Come in, I'll be right there' or something.

I think that right there will take the weirdness and forced setup out of the story and we can enjoy it fully after that, because it is very amusing.

My favorite line is when Chris explains he's on 'To Catch a Predator' and Kevin asks if that's a nature show.  I loved that.

You have a very amusing story/skit going on here that just needs that tad little bit of cleanup to make it pop a little more.

Good job, Dirk.

- Mark

Hi Mark,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script and pointing out the "on the nose dialogue" for me. I've been nailed in the past for writing that way and its something I've been trying to get better at so thanks for the example.

As for the story itself my execution needs to get better. Kevin entered the living room through an opened door from the garage. He yelled out if anyone was there but no one responded so then he entered the kitchen and set down the grocery bag on the counter. That's when Krista entered. Again just bad execution on my part.

Thanks again for the kind words and glad you liked it.

Hey Dirk,

This is another one that slipped past me over the Christmas period but I was more than happy to jump in. You've been getting yourself around the site and that's what it's all about.

I have to say that it was nice to read some comedy and this quite a funny little piece. It shares similarities with another script I read on SS in the series section where the author did the same kind of thing with his IASIP script. Take a peek if you haven't already just to compare the scenario and see if it could help you out at all.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1344132506/s-new/

There are some issues, the opening is too long and very exposition heavy meaning the dialogue comes off forced and unnatural. You just need to trim it and make the dialogue more subtle in its delivery.

And look out for dialogue like "Such a pretty name" which although suitable for the set-up really didn't read right for any average 40 year old man to be saying.

Also the just walking into the house could be better handled - why can't  Kevin knock on the door and be greeted by Krista with a line like "I'm looking for Little Girl" and she welcomes him in.

It would then give the whole mistake some believability. Would you just walk into someone's home?

I think that once inside is where this one took off and all of the scripts funniest moments are in this section.

The writing was decent enough, some little nitpicks. You should look into the use of mini-slugs because you had quite a few that wasn't necessary and should have been in the slug line instead.

Overall it was fun read and I loved the whole slapstick ending with the unlucky hero being all wrapped up in bandages. Great last line as well.

Nice work.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Thanks for taking the time to read the script. I agree with everything you said. Reading over the script I felt the beginning was a little too long as well. I need to work on the execution better as far as Kevin goes when he enters the house.

I'm glad you enjoyed it and appreciate your feedback and thanks for the link to the other script.

Take care.

-Dirk

I like your since of humor, but when that catch a predator dude went inside the moment of reality was shaken.
But cat named LITTLE GIRL I laughed as fuck.

Quoted from INTS I like your since of humor, but when that catch a predator dude went inside the moment of reality was shaken. But cat named LITTLE GIRL I laughed as fuck.

Thanks Ints,

I appreciate you taking a look at this. Let me know if I can return the favor and read something of yours.

Dirk

Hey Dirk

I think I owe you a read(probably).

This was very funny and very well laid out. You had quite a few good lines and the old story flowed very easily... poor Kevin, I feel his pain.

There were a few grammar issues, but I'm sure they have already been mentioned. Anyways, it didn't take away from what was a well wrote funny short.

Mark

Mark,

Thanks a lot for taking a look at the script, I really appreicate it. I'm just about done with my feature now so my focus will be to get back on to this soon.

Just to let you know ,I'm a big fan of your work. I still have your recent Jesus short story to read.

Take care,

Dirk