IS IN PRODUCTION...

even if i didn't know about it! Well, i do now.

Of all the scripts i have under consideration i wouldn't have expected Twinkle to be the first to be produced, even if a basic high school student production.

So, time for a little short that doesn't include killing, death or strange dark creatures, but instead a computer talking to a man asleep in bed, whilst deep in space.

Does cinema get any better than that (don't answer)??

A link to the work in progress is;

http://youtu.be/NfKg5c6Lz54

Still cool to have it filmed.  Congratulations on that!  Keep us up to date.

I'm taking a very short break from loglines to say "Well done, Bill!"

Twinkle Twinkle got an excellent from me back on MP, so I'm looking foreward to seeing the film version.  I was disappointed to see my casting of Seth Rogan and
Jonah Hill fell through, but these guys look capable enough.  
Hopefully, the director's mom is cool and will allow him to use the F bomb.

Again, congrats, Bill.  

Dave

Nice going, Bill!

I'm sure their interpretation will be intriguing!
Spinning that early season Red Dwarf vibe lo-fi vibe works!

Best of luck with the otherwordly endeavor!

Regards,
Brett

Nice one Bill

Mark

I liked it.  Not much of a review here, sorry.
I didn’t find anything that stuck out as bad writing.
I laughed at the jokes.  I thought it was cute.

If anything, I guess I agree with Phil on making Petal less emotional.

Thanks folks.

One point to note is that this is going to be a very basic production, no awards in view. But nice all the same to see how someone else uses your words to make soemthing.

I will post a link if they finsih it.

Hey Bill,

Congrats mate.

It's good to see one of your stories being produced.

Good stuff!

Hi Bill, really enjoyed this. Simple and cute and actually surprisingly I felt for petal at the end
I liked that petal was emotional.

One question, does Petals voice sound robotic? That was the only thing I didn't like, no description of the voice. Or maybe I missed it?

congrats on getting this produced!!!

-Gavin

Hey Steve and Gaviano

Thanks for the comments. Thanks for the read Gav, glad you liked.

Re voice - actually a sound point and one that i hadnt really thought of until I saw the clip of the filming of this and thought, that's not what I had in mind, but then, what did I have in mind?

I was more lost in the tone of voice, starting with a butler type manner, distant and condescending,  going to angry friend/colleague and ending up with an exposed, desperate love interest. A somewhat confused sexuality, but then it is a computer.  I hope they get this across and not have a monotone voice, there really needs to be emotion in the words. Time will tell.

Bill

I love the idea here and was instantly interested to see where you would go with it. This is the kind of high concept, low production value (a good FX guy and your sorted) scripts that get picked up, perfectly suited for the short form.

PETAL
--Jim! You know perfectly well,
you're the only human in this
space, err, pod. Remember? You were
removed from the actual space ship.
Mind you, it really wasn't the
place for Irritable Bowel.

- Is Petal cut off in mid sentence here by Jim? If so, I world replace the full stop with two hyphens to indicate this.

PETAL
And I told you, I really don't feel
comfortable having to whisper like
a sexually aroused Nun.

- This feels a little out of step with the lighter tone of the opening page. Maybe I’m being prudish but it instantly stuck out for me although it’s only at the top of the second page, feels too bawdy.

Besides the above example I did like the humour, particularly when Petal starts singing Jim’s favourite song or when she is dying and recollecting all the times they had together.  It’s actually kind of touching in parts with appropriate punctuations of wry humour. Even within such a few pages I felt a pang of sadness at the final words that the computer was rebooting thus the Petal we (got to) know is lost forever. This is testament to the writing and your ability to generate likable characters and meaningful interrelationships between them within a short page count.

Neat concept, good job.

Congrats on getting it filmed too.

Col.

Hey Col

kind of you to read.

I think you're right that a little bit of the tone needs a tweak but i'm glad you enjoyed. It was fun to write but not one to spend much time on afterwards.

I use the -- to illustrate someone cut off in conversation, but for some unknown reason i decided i should use it in the following line as a starter as well, when i shouldn't. thanks for the heads up.

as to this being finished, time will tell. As a student effort there is a good chance it wont be completed.

cheers

Hi Bill - not seen this before, only caught it as it was bumped up - quirky little piece, nicely done & certainly made me laugh - made me wonder what your inspiration was - I'll check the video out ...

Thanks Simon

Inspiration - good question. the challenge was to have a power cut, so i was thinking about where this would be challenging and space popped up.

I have spent some time trying to work on low budget, easy to film scripts so i assume i was pushing myself towards one person which left a computer as the buddy.

After that i can never remember quite how stories come together.

thanks for the read.

Looking randomly over your stuff, this is the title and logline that most intrigued me.  Not just the premise, but also the one guy, one location angle.

This one is very strange, at once absurdist and melancholy.  If I did not know better, I would think it might have been written by Cornetto.  You two share a similar style in some ways.

But this one is a little too strange for me perhaps.  I was never sure why Jim was conceived as being so childish, and what sort of mission such a childish personality might be selected for in the first place.

But then, thinking further, I am not sure these questions really matter -- and it is perhaps enough to let Jim and Petal inhabit their own, odd universe without thinking on it too hard.

You do manage to wring sympathy for Petal, in your own odd way.  She is a tortured soul, confused in a very human way by her conflicted feelings towards Jim.  As such, I really have no suggestions to improve this.  Your intent with this piece is pretty straightforward, and while some of the comedy is a bit low-brow for my tastes, I can see this hitting the mark with the audience for whom this was written.

As is evidenced by the fact that somebody is looking to commit this to film.  I was amused to find the brief clip a few posts up, and while production values appear limited at best, please be sure to let us know if this odd project ever makes its way to completion.  I would like to see it played out.