An Empty Chamber by James Williams (jwent668 - Short - A prep school girl propositions a strung out bum with the opportunity of a lifetime.  8 pages - pdf, format


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Script removed by request.

Thanks Don!

This is just that 48hr challenge script I wrote. Felt I should post it to the site. Might make a good student film.

Definitely amateur hour too. Two blank title pages to start. Sorry. Story is still there. Gonna resubmit a fixer.

James

It starts on page 3.

James, I remember seeing this one here. For sure. I remember liking it.
SPOILERS
She meets a bum, directs him to the clinic and turns out to be his daughter. In that version first we saw a map, I think. Is that right?

I remember liking the other one better, although I like this one as well.

I thought this sounded familiar.  I think it's better now, but I can't be sure.

What's with the 2 blank pages after the title page?  Inexcusable!

Story-wise, I like it.  Dialogue-wise, I don't like it.  None of it reads realistically to me.

Not bad, though, brother...not bad at all.

Hey James,

Building up anticipation with those blank pages?

It's been a while since I read the earlier version.
But, I liked that one better.
This one reads rushed and the dialogue rang false to me.

Was it always this short?
Feel like something's changed.
Still really like the story, but something's off with the execution here.

How does this compare to the earlier draft?

Regards,
E.D.

James, my memory sucks but I seem to recall this script, have I read it at some point?

SPOILERS!!

Anyway, I liked it.  It was a cool little story but I wonder if the Bum wouldn't slowly think the girl was his daughter?  I'm assuming she is by the way.

I've no real complaints, it read fine to me...except for the 2 blank pages of course lol.

Nice script.

I think the idea would work as a short, but this one needs a little fleshing out in my opinion.  The action blocks at the beginning were a little too wordy for me, and I had a difficult time believing she could convince this guy to (spoiler alert) try and off himself after they've been talking for less than 3 or 4 minutes.  I think with some re-worded dialogue (and probably more of it), something that helps establish a little more backstory, then you can help sell the ending.

Thanks for the reads,

I really didn't change this much from the Showdown. Sorry, Brett, I guess it's not as good on a second read. lol.

I did resubmit this without the empty pages which is unexcusable. I didn't proof the pdf and they didn't show up in the Final Draft file. My bad...

James

***SPOILERS***

James,

I liked this overall, even if it seemed rushed. I think everything here happened too fast. Almost immediately she hands him cash and pulls out a gun... Could've used a few more pages, IMO.

Will

I remember seeing this one as well... Was this when a SS member challenged you to a screenwriting challenge where Michael gave you an object and you had to mention the object somewhere in the script. Pretty sure I voted for this one.

Anyway James, I've noticed you've been keeping yourself busy with 'So Pretty'. There was a nice wee photo posted on the facebook page of a script with your name on it. I hope it's a sequel. Loved the first one.

I'd be lying to you if I said that I remember the earlier draft. I remember the basic premise and I don't think much has changed with the dialogue?

Still think this is a nice little script. Could be done on an incredibly low budget and it's got the mystery to match.

Good work.

Dan

Quoted from crookedowl ***SPOILERS***I think everything here happened too fast. Almost immediately she hands him cash and pulls out a gun... Could've used a few more pages, IMO. Will

Thanks for the read, Will. This does happen fast, but the thing I've learned about writing shorts is you have to pull the trigger in the first two pages... Well, at least when it's only a 5 pager. You have anything of late on the boards?

Quoted from danbotha Anyway James, I've noticed you've been keeping yourself busy with 'So Pretty'. There was a nice wee photo posted on the facebook page of a script with your name on it. I hope it's a sequel. Loved the first one.

Thanks for the read, Dan. I didn't rewrite this much at all. So pretty 2, "So Dark" has a green light. I guess they're shooting in a month or so. If anyone wants the script, just PM me your email. Not gonna advertise and already had help from a few members here.

James

I don't care what anybody says.  This is a great story, IMO.  Hard to believe it was actually hatched from the mind of Mr. Williams.  Probably plagiarised it.  Ha.  Nah, it just strikes a chord with me because I'm an off-and-on twelve stepper.   And congrats on your green light with So Dark.   Again, hard to believe.  

Only change I'd make to this script would be to switch it from huffing to a used hypodermic syringe on the ground and needle marks on his arms.

Michael,

I hope there's no hard feelings here. I'm familiar with your writing and like much of it, despite what you think. I wrote this thinking you would write something similar. I wanted to beat you at your own game. A good-feeling story of someone turning a corner in their life.

I don't appreciate the plagiarism comment.

James

Definitely no hard feelings.  I'm actually quite happy for you with the success you've achieved with your shorts.  Long ago I would've voted you least likely to succeed.  But look at you now.  Got one in the can and another coming down the pike.  Regarding the plagiariasm comment you know good and well I'm just messin' with you, so...  

This script and Teaching With Violence are in my favorirte top ten SS scripts of all time.  Who would've thunk it?

I'd really like to see this script get made.

Hey James.

I remember liking this one a lot, too.  I wouldn't have changed much of it, either.  I guess maybe I'm a little curious as to how she found out he was her dad.  Maybe fit in somehow that he's the town's sole drunk bum and her mom finally came clean with who he was.

But it's a small gripe.  The story works just as good as it is.

- Mark

Hey James,

Wow, Juliana is one ice cold cunt. Okay, so she does have a heart. But still.

Good story, nice work setting up the end, although you could see the daughter-father angle coming the moment he mentions he has a daughter. Don't know how you'll avoid telegraphing it though, I mean it is essential to the ending.

Found it a bit hard to buy in the beginning that a 16 year old girl would do the thing she does, not sure I still find it believable even with the ending.

Other than that I think you wrote a really good piece.

Cheers
Rob

This is a nice, quick read that's well written for the most part.

Juliana needs to be tweaked a little.  She bounces all over the place.  One second she's indifferent, the next she's psychotic, the next she's compassionate.

I empathize with her, but there's something missing.

I would rather know the name of the bum.  I'd identify with him more if I knew his name.

The bum is too quick to pull the trigger.  It should take more antagonizing by Juliana to get him to pull the trigger.

All in all this was a nice read.

Jordan

Thanks for the second read, Mark. I just posted it pretty much as is hoping a film maker may snatch it. It may need to be rewritten a bit after that point I'm sure.

Quoted from sniper Wow, Juliana is one ice cold cunt. Okay, so she does have a heart. But still.

Thanks for the read Rob. Glad you liked it. I tried to capture Juliana's angst as a girl who never had a father. I may have went to far. Yeah, I agree, you can see where this is going mid-way through I just hope most enjoy the ride.

Thanks for the read, Nomad. Glad you liked it and some good notes. I thought Juliana was rather consistent then softens a tad at the end. I agree the bum could use a name and a bit more antagonizing before pulling the trigger.

James

I think I may post my losing effort as well.  I always liked it.

James, what up, brother?  How's Cleeeeeeveland doing these days?

Just want to say that you've come a long way, my friend.  Your writing is rocking and I hope for the best for you this year.  Rock it!!!

Thanks, Jeff. Cleveland is still Cleveland. I haven't been reading much here lately and feel bad about it. I hope this a great year for you as well brother!

Cheers,

James

James

This was decent for a five pager.

All a bit random and contrived, this girl walking up to the bum like that with her proposal but it made more sense by the end as we learn there is more to the meeting of these people.

Am I right in assuming Juliana is the 3 year old girl in the picture?

I hope so as otherwise she comes off as sounding a bit too righteous and preachy for my liking. It’s easy to dismiss bums on the street as wasters, no hopers with zero ambition or motivation to live or contribute to society but what do we really know of their situation and circumstance, the trials and tribulation they may have been through?

The cruel goading and ridiculing of the Bum by a seemingly wealthy Juliana (at least rich emough to carry around 400 buck in cash) reminded me of American Psycho when Bateman verbally abuses and belittles the homeless guy before stabbing him.

In Juliana’s defence though, with the knowledge of their connection, she is essentially trying to help him. It’s tough love for sure, a rather unorthodox way to go about it to say the least…but its powerful and arresting, and we’d like to believe, effective. Similar to a father who catches his son smoking and makes him smoke every cigarette in a box in order to put him off the habit.

This has all the ingredients for a super low budget, one location, two character short, very easily produced.

Nice work.

Col.

Hey James,

I love the script, great work.  If I had enough money to buy a camera and knew how to use it, I would ask you if I could film this today.  Excellent visuals throughout, the beginning descriptions really stand out for me.

During my first read, I wasn't sure about giving the bum money to kill himself - it doesn't make any sense.  Once you start understanding Juliana's motives, it turns the tables on the bum, wondering if his choices in life have made any sense either.  Love that!

I thought leaving the bum in the dark about Juliana was a good move. It's all about the journey right?  I enjoyed the ambiguous ending.

Johnny

I picked a random spot to read a short script...I picked a good one.

I liked how you were able to ramp the tension, diffuse it, then ramp it up again several times in a short piece.

No offense to anyone else's scripts (seriously!) but it was nice to read a feel-good ending that wasn't 100% telegraphed. Maybe he doesn't follow the map, I think we believe he does. It's 14 degrees where I am right now, so it was nice to get a warm feeling from reading this.

James

Great script man... For 5 pages, you built a great deal of tension and for me, one the best shorts I've read in a while.

I liked that the bum was gonna blow his head so quickly, he was obviously feeling at that stage of life, pretty much what his daughter confirmed " a drain on society".

Nice work

Mark

Hey James,

Clearly a well written script, my only thoughts on it are: with this kind of subject matter, five pages isn't enough to convince me that this would happen as quickly and easily as you have written it. The ending might be a little too open ended, does the bum understand that this punky kid is his daughter? It doesn't seem so to me, and wouldn't that make the difference if he were to try and clean himself up? She just leaves the gun? and why does she have a gun in the first place? I'm not a big fan of seeing or reading about kids with guns. But that's just me.
I don't think the bum would try to pull the trigger, I'm mean he's been living a life of sh*t and misery for so many years, I don't think some kid calling him a loser now is going to, all of a sudden, make him realize how he's wasted his life and that he should end it. It seems that Juliana put some thought into her little scare straight/sober tactic but then doesn't really see it through, I know she give him a map, but I don't think he would do anything with it.

This seems like a writing exercise and a well done one, but over all I wasn't connecting with it.

Great writing though and I liked the dialogue and the idea was good too, a daughter trying to get her bum father to clean up. I look forward to reading your other scripts.

Cheers,
Kev.

COl,

Always love a review from you. Thanks for reading this. You're right to assume that Juliana is his daughter even though I don't actually spell it out for the audience.

Crusader, Kev, and Mark...

Thanks for the reads. Glad you mostly enjoyed it. I've been hit by three film makers on this already and have promised it to a talented fellow out in Paris. His shorts resume and festival competition results are impressive. I hope to be able to share the end result if he films it. It will be interesting to see if people still think the bum pulls the gun on himself too fast when it's put to film. You all may be right.

Anyway, it was just a 48 hour script challenge, but I really like what I came up with.

Cheers to all...

James

I'm glad I stumbled upon this.  This, actually, in my opinion would be an amazing idea for a spec script.  A prep-girl discovers her father is the town-bum, and does whatever possible to get him back on his feet.

However, this felt more like a scene taken out of a screenplay, and less like a short.  I still enjoyed it, I really loved it actually.  But still.

The writing was great.  I think the bum pulling the trigger was realistic and Julianna did enough antagonising for him to pull the trigger.  I agree though, I would have liked for him to have a name, even a character heading like "_______ The Bum" or something to that effect would have been better.  I would have connected with him more.

This is a great idea.  Great dialogue.  VERY good dialogue.  I am glad you implied the father/daughter thing, and didn't just blatantly put it out there.  Very good writing.  Professional and fast-paced.  I liked this a lot.  I would LOVE to see this on film!  Keep us updated!