Hey Ed.

Football's great and everything, but basketball is where my heart is, so I might be a little bit biased on this one.  :-)

Actually, it is a good story, and I do like it, but there are things that aren't sitting well with me.

Others have mentioned the over-writing aspect, and a lot of things were over-written.  If you'd like some more examples of how your story can be streamlined, let me know and I'll rewrite a few action descriptions for you.

I think there are two main problems that I see with this.  The first one is the repetition of the scenes.  It's going back and forth and over and over and because we weren't learning anything new, (and never did learn anything new), it was starting to become monotonous, which led to a little bit of a boring read.  It was kind of the same thing over and over.

The second problem was the anti-climactic ending.  Like I said before, we never learn anything and the story just ends.  I get he had a bad day and learned something bad, but we never get a resolution to ANYTHING in the story.  (Not even the game.)  Maybe the game doesn't matter and we don't need to know how it ends, but there does have to be some sort of resolution for Bill.  I'm assuming his wife's cheating on him, but... so what?  I had that idea when she got that phone call in her first scene.  Which goes back to the point that we never learned anything new throughout the story.

Maybe this is based on a true story and you wanted to remain true to it, and I understand that idea, but you could've put a really neat twist in this.  In the wife's first scene, have her under a blanket as they're preparing to watch a movie.  In the wife's second scene, she's on the phone so we never see her anyway.  In the third scene, she wears an oversized t-shirt and baggy shorts, but have it dark as she gets directly under the covers.  And then, in the fourth scene, when she goes to confront Bill... BAM!  We (the audience) find out she's actually quite pregnant, and Janice's dodginess was all because she found out she's actually having triplets, and that's why she's been picking up more hours at work because they're really tight on money.  (And why she's been shopping for more clothes.)

Maybe that's not a great example, but I was trying to get the point across how much greater this story would be with some resolution.

Of course, these are all just thoughts I had while I was reading.  It was still a good story and I did like it, but like I said, I don't know how much my love for the sport was affecting my read.

This actually wasn't written bad, though, minus the lengthy descriptions.  I can tell you're very knowledgable about the sport and the story came across plain and clear.  You mentioned about wanting to find your voice or something of the like, and I have to say you're probably not too far away.  As you probably already know, the more and more you do of something, the more natural it'll come.

And now, I have to let my cynicism have the last word:  'Wow.  Officials' wives must come clean every single day and say they're cheating on them!'

:-)

Hope to see you around, Ed.

- Mark

Hey Ed

Got to read this yesterday but didn't have time to post so won't go into detail as not fresh in the head.

A couple of thoughts;

1) there is the chance for some foreshadowing in the remarks made to the ref - eg " Hey buddy, my wife could do better than that" which he reacts to, but we don't know the full reason why

2) intercutting - I don't mind, indeed I like, scenes that are woven together but with you intercutting to effectively different scenes in the house, I was thrown sometimes as to when this was, what relevance it had - just be careful not to lose the reader when you could just have two or three scenes woven together.

There was a nice subtlety to the handling of the wife's reveal - not to blunt.

Otherwise, an interesting tale, a ref having a bad day on the court, and the discovery of the reason right at the end. For soe reason I felt I should feel more for him, but didn't - one to ponder.

All the best

This was a well told, depressing story, that needs to be cleaned up a little.

I really appreciate it when a writer can make me feel something.  And in this story, I really felt for Bill because he's having a shitty day on all fronts.  If only his daughter hated him too, he would have a trifecta of misery.

Well done.

Jordan

Mark, I was worried about it being repetitive when I finished writing it. In the end, I couldn't decide so I just posted it without really knowing what worked and what didn't. I figured I would find out through feedback.

Is there a point when a writer figures out what is working or not working on page? Does that instinct kick in? I figure everyone needs feedback to know for sure but I can't imagine a successful writer sitting back thinking "I have no idea if this is good or not..."

I had a moment where read your comments and thought "pregnant???" but then I remembered that moments after I found out my wife was, I ran a stoplight and slammed into another car (everyone was OK). So, yeah, Bill might be spacey.

Maybe there's another hidden message in this story- the day before a game, officials need is ask: "Is there anything I need to know? Tell me now, I have a game tomorrow!"

Thanks Reefer and Jordan.

The fact that one of felt for Bill and other not as much I'm chalking up to my lack of skill for not quite getting to both of you to the same feeling. I understand that everybody will looks and interrupts things differently but I think I was close in getting readers to a certain point...but being as new at this as I am, I'm thinking this is more on me.

Making the daughter an annoying teen instead might be fun to write, Jordan. Cruel, but fun.

Hey Ed.

I do pretty meticulous planning on every front before I even sit down and write a scene, so I know pretty much if something's going to work or not as I'm actually writing it.  Although, I do admit more often than not that it's on my reread of what I wrote and on subsequent 2nd, 3rd, and 4th drafts that I catch something that's not working in my writing.  Or, even after somebody else reads it and lets me know.

Now, while I'm having some very small success as far as shorts go for me, I am not a successful writer, so don't take my advice to heart.

My guess is that a successful writer can sit back, think something  is a horrible idea, but still pound away at it and make it become something positive.

Although, based on the last dozen or so movies my girlfriend has dragged me to, maybe they know it's a horrible idea but still write it anyway because they know they're getting a check cut to them.

Ed

Page by page notes.

“A whistle is heard and a crowd that was previously restless
is now booing and jeering at a louder volume. Another
official has Lenns by the arm and guides him across the
floor to the team’s bench as blood flows from a cut above
Lenns’ eye. Robert and a team trainer wearing surgical
gloves meet their player as he gets to the bench.”

Try to keep your action lines down to blocks of four at least. Anymore than that sends up red flags in terms of your knowledge about format.

“FLASHBACK - INT. BLACK HOUSE KITCHEN – EVENING”

- This could be rewritten as:

INT. BLACKS’S HOUSE – KITCHEN – EVENING (FLASHBACK)

The prose is a bit rambling at times, Ed. Try to condense what you want to say into as few words as possible, cut away the extraneous stuff.

For example:

"Bill is standing on the sideline near mid-court when the
ball, heading to no one on either team, flies past him going
out of bounds. He blows his whistle and then feels 3,000
pairs of eyes on him."

"Bill points to his officiating partner under the basket. His
partner’s eyes widen. Bill then gestures for both his
partners to meet and conference at mid-court while the 3,000
in the stands start another loud chorus of boos."

- This could be rewritten as:

Bill stands on the sideline near mid-court as the
ball flies past him, out of bounds. He blows his
whistle, feels 3,000 pairs of eyes on him.

Bill signals his officiating partner under the basket. His
partner’s eyes widen. Bill gestures for both partners to
conference at mid-court, the crowd resonds with unanimous boos.

- Always look to replace “and” with commas and remove all prepositions where possible, it maintains the prose’s fluidity.

PARNTER #1
It’s not my call.
(to Bill)
You’re gonna have to signal it and
you’re gonna have to tell their
bench.
(gesturing to the Lehigh
bench)

- PARTNER is spelt wrong. Also I wouldn’t leave a wrylie on its own like that at the end of a sentence. Just include as part of the action lines underneath.

JANICE
My throat’s actually a little...I
don’t know...it’s probably just
allergies or something. It’s not a
big deal, but y’know...just in case
you better get some sleep. Can you
get me some water?

- Clearly something is up with Janice and maybe this is a subtle way to convey her preoccupied mind but doesn’t it seem contradictory that she would tell Bill to “get some sleep” and fetch her “some water” in the same sentence?

Story-wise I think this has potential, I like the idea of a man’s gradually mounting suspicions about his wife effecting his concentration outside the home. Nice parallels and intertwining of his domestic life and his refereeing duties in what sounds like an important game and the repercussions it is having on his critical decision making.

However, as it stands, this is without an ending, it is an unfinished story in my opinion. You bring things so far but then leave us hanging as to the outcome. I’m all for ambiguity and open ended-ness but this feels like it’s literally missing the last few pages.

Maybe this is your intention, perhaps you have a concluding part to it. If so, why would you do that? Why not have it all as one script? After all, it’s only nine pages long.

You need to tie this one up, man.

Regards.

Col.

Colonel:

Thanks the examples of tightening my copy. I needed those as I'm still working on my ability to develop a tighter script. And the redflags being sent up are warrented since my knowledge of proper format use is minimal.

I know Janice's line you pointed out seems contradictory...I pulled it from real life (I still remember thinking: "what did she just say?"). Anyway, it WAS weird but I thought it might work in that part of this story.

Believe it not, the fact that you're picking apart the ending (or lack of one) makes me feel better about the material that precedes it.

Ed

This is the 2nd I've read from you and they're both Basketball... i'm noticing a theme here

I know some of these mistakes have probably been mentioned:

Starting off with "We see" not good.

Try and keep your actions down to 4 lines max, I noticed a few 5 or 6 lines... It males it easier on the eyes and just like the "Bobby"  the O.S follows the name.

Personally i'm not a big basketball fan, but I was able to follow the story and that was down to you.

I like how you broke it up, between his personal life and his working life... but what happened at the end??? Do we have to make our own minds up.

Does his wife want a divorce? How did the game end? You could at least tie one of those up or both, using one scene.

Maybe the basketball scene

ROBERT
You okay Billy? It’s like all of a
sudden you can’t see a thing.

BILLY
She's leaving me.

And with that, Bill drops his whistle and saunters off.

Just an example, simple but effective, the fact he did it during the game. Ties up the loose ends and the score doesn't matter.

Mark

Hey Mark, a have a third script posted that is devoid of hoops. Bill walking out never occured to me but that's intriguing. At first, I hated the idea because I'd like to think he's too much of a pro at what he does to walk. Then again, he's actually in the way of the game...and Bill is enough of a pro to know he's screwing it up. He'd be in trouble with his bosses for the exit but everyone would likely understand and get over it over time.

Back to actually putting in the script- it provides a more dramatic close and a statement.