Hey Gavin.

Sorry I missed this when it first came up on the boards.

It was a good story.  I liked it a lot.

Actually, I can't lie.  I got a little bit pissed as I was reading.  :-)  The feature I'm working on now is about a derelict man whose estranged father has passed away.  The father had found God and church in his later years and the son finally learns everything about his father after he acquaints himself with the church and its community.  I take mine in a little bit of a different direction later on, but I got a sense that we both started out telling the same story.  Mine just popped into my head a week and a half ago after visiting my childhood church and school again.  Strange how I should come across this script now.

Nevertheless, I really liked this one.  (I'm a sucker for powerful, emotional dramas.)

The opening images, and images throughout the story for that matter, really worked for me here, and I think were the driving force behind the story to keep the reader hooked.

The only thing that got annoying were all your missing periods and your (beats).  It's a small gripe and I'm really not a stickler and hardly ever complain about things that small, but wow did it really get annoying for me.  :-)

You wrote this well enough and you've got a slow enough pace that you really don't need the (beats) at all.  They'll read naturally.

But that's the only (tiny) gripe I had.  This reads really well and powerful.  A simple story that'll connect with a lot of people who have gone through situations like these.  (As you know I have from the story I'm working on myself.)

Nice job, Gavin.  I also see you've got another short up, as well.  I'll be checking that one out soon.

- Mark

Hi mark, thanks for the read and the comments.

Im glad you liked it. This was actually the first short I EVER wrote a few years back now, although I did rewrite it before posting it. I have since made a few small changes just from the advice given by all the readers.

Wow! Im really sorry that our stories are so similar but Im hoping that because yours is a feature that there will be plenty of things to add to the mix to make it stand out.

I'm definitely more of a story man, although I think I'm normally close to 100% with format etc i don't sometimes get a bit muddled up with beats and stuff like that. Recently I haven't even bothered including beats into my scripts.

As Ive mentioned in previous responses, this is a pretty simple story that I tried to propel with emotion. Im hoping I did a decent job and good luck with the feature

Thanks again Mark

-Gavin