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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Psychosis of the Orphan Kid Moderators: bert
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  Author    Psychosis of the Orphan Kid  (currently 1275 views)
Don
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Psychosis of the Orphan Kid by Chris Ramos - Short, Drama - An orphan kid helps his friend find his parents, but not everything is what it seems. 5 pages - pdf, format


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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris, I recognized your name (I think?) and your log-line, though a little unoriginal ("...not everything is what it seems..."), was enough to pull me into reading this.

So, personally for me, I guess I liked itl.

"Rainy day" -- cut this since below you mention Timothy watches rain from a window.

SPOILERS

"No soul to be seen..." -- oh, I liked this, made sense, nice humor.  Was this intentional?

I don't see the need of under-lining the white uniforms.  I think we understand the importance of the white towards the end.

So, his parents are not dead, the two male friends/kids are actually dead.

I think Tim's realization of the fact he's dead very unrealistic.  One minute, he's upset about his parents, then seconds later, so excited to be going... wherever...

I got the impression the black wings represent those passed who know their dead, and if you don't have them you're dead, but don't know it... I think?  Am I right?

Overall, nice short.  I liked the idea behind it, short and simple, good luck.  However, I think you could make this even better if you kept it limited to ONE location, and had all five pages, somehow, take place in the cemetery.  

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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spesh2k
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Page 1:

No need for "Rainy day" to start your description. We see it's raining when Timothy stares out the window. Also, you all ready have DAY in the SLUG LINE, no need to mention it again.

In your character descriptions, you can just write the age (9) - no need to describe Timothy and Matthew as "nine year-old boys". We can tell they're boys just from their names.

Not sure why their uniform colors and the black insignia are underlined. Perhaps they'll reemerge later in the story? You can just CAP those if you want to draw attention to written detail... I feel you draw enough attention to it just by writing it. No need for emphasis in my opinion.

Page 4:

TIMOTHY: I love you! I'll always will. -- should be I always will.

On page five, the black wings insignia returns after Timothy finds the truth about his parents - still, no need to underline it.

Overall, I liked this. It was creative and well written overall with a few minor issues.

Just a few things... Timothy's name is never mentioned in any of the dialogue... if, as an audience member, we knew that his name was Timothy, the reveal would pack more punch. The reveal would pack an even bigger punch than that if we didn't see Matthew's grave first.

Nice work, Chris and welcome to the boards (I don't recognize your name).

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Chris Ramos
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 8:56pm Report to Moderator
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Writers are good liars with great memories.

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Hi Curt! Thanks for reading!

SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!

I wanted the reader to notice what the characters were wearing before the end.

The way Timothy reacts when he realizes he's dead was intentional.

As a kid I was told that when you die you stop being sad and are extremely happy instead because there's no more problems, and you're going to heaven. However, if you have a task to complete here on earth you turn into a ghost, and won't be able to rest in peace until you complete it.

Timothy's task is to see his parents one last time, and when he finally does, he goes extremely happy and he can now rest in peace. Timothy himself doesn't know this, he thinks he's sad because his parents are dead.

You're right about the wings!!!

--Chris

P.S. I wrote you an awesome explanation, but due to the incompetence of a person in my house, who disconnected the internet, it all disappeared.


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


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Chris Ramos
Posted: May 26th, 2013, 9:12pm Report to Moderator
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Writers are good liars with great memories.

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Thank you Michael for reading!!

"I love you. I'll always will." I knew something was wrong with the line, I read it over and over again, but I couldn't figure it out, I knew it didn't sound right. THANK YOU!

Matthew's grave needs to be seen first because if Tim's grave was to be revealed first everyone would assume Matt was also dead specially because he has the black wings on his uniform.

And yeah... I forgot to mention Timothy's name!

--Chris

P.S. I've been here for quite a while now.


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
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Chris Ramos
Posted: June 23rd, 2013, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Writers are good liars with great memories.

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Sold!


Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots.

-- Frank A. Clark


Read Me
Please...  
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