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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Dollar Girl Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Dollar Girl  (currently 5204 views)
SteveClark
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 12:40am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Steve

A blast from the past I see. I musta missed it the first time around.

LINDSAY
Look, we don't have to stay for
dinner. You know I've been tracking
this dollar bill for, like, seven
years now and –

CAROL
I know, I know. First dollar you ever
made at that little lemonade stand
when we were kids.

- Is there a way to make this less directly expositional? I’m sure you can drip feed us Lindsay’s motivations throughout the script which will, in turn, add to its mystery. Instead of just blatantly telling us up front like this.

“Shush's her.”

- Does the “her” belong to Shush?

CAROL
(sneers)
No.

- Hmm, I wonder why Lindsay referred to her as her girlfriend then?

“Lindsay grabs Carol and they step in. In unison, they both
rub their hands on the back of their jeans.”

- Odd reaction. Makes me think there is something else going on with these two…reading on…

CAROL
(nudges Lindsay)
Ask him about the dollar.

- Here is a good opportunity to drop in some of that plot/motive information I mentioned earlier.

“He snatches it away, then grabs her
face and looks deep in her eyes.”

- Umm, no reaction from Carol here at Brian’s forwardness and handling of Lindsay? I get that the former is transfixed by the dollar but Carol shouldn’t be. Instead she just calmly states that they should leave.

SEVERUS
Cunt!

- Ha, a jolting drop of the c-bomb. Wasn’t expecting that.

“He swipes a lemonade from off Mommy's tray and SMASHES the glass in her face.”

Code

 Ok, this has taken a definite dark turn now..


You think? Haha

I thought, given all the obvious signposts and the Addams Family reference that they might look creepy but would turn out to be harmless, maybe even funny in a random sort of way but no, they are exactly as advertised.

Code

“She comes out. Wears a black corset and a crazy grin. Hair
done up. Smeared red lipstick across her face. Her droopy
ass cheeks sway back and forth from under silk panties."



I loved this description!!

- Haha, now there is a vision and a half!

Code

“She sashays's to Grandpa. Throws a feather boa around his
neck. She lets loose a greasy FART, then bumps Brian to the
floor with a saggy butt cheek."



Yep. Love this one, too.

- Yikes, Maybe we are swinging back into the weird but funny territory I anticipated earlier. Omit the possessive apostrophe in “sashays” too.

“He reappears. One hand holds a power drill. The other a
large boring bit. He carefully fits it in, taps the trigger a
couple times and smiles.”

- Oh Jesus. I really can’t get a bead on what you’re going for here at all, can I? It’s vacillating from over the top gothic, to weird, to violent, to bawdy humour, to goofy humour, then back to violence. That drill sequence is just downright naaasty.

“The WHIRRING of the power drill as it punctures through his
chest.”

- Am I really going to question logic and physics here? I guess so. A power drill wouldn’t immediately perforate someone before they had a chance to react. Drilling someone only works if they are tied down/incapacitated. C’mon, that’s murderous psycho 101 stuff


Right so this went full crazy gore fest in its last third. It seemed like you were going all out to shock and offend, push the limits of taste and all that...and that’s fine. A lot of people dig that sort of provocation. I just wish there was more of a point to it all.

I don’t know what I was expecting but it got so bat shit bananas that I was expecting some twist or sleight of hand to undercut what had happened...but no, its seems all this really did occur.

Somehow this family got hold of this dollar and lured the girls there with the intent to murder them, oh and put on a geriatric burlesque show in the process for whatever reason, for kicks I guess.

I wondered how did they get possession of said dollar in the first place. Also, where is the proof that it was said dolla? Is there a marking on it or something that I missed.

Other than that, it’s a very contrived set up that doesn’t seem necessary since it’s not followed up on. All that transpires is an extended killing scene. I mean, there are a thousand more plausible ways you could have these innocent girls cross paths with these weirdos.

Anyway, mildly amusing, particularly perverse but all rather meaningless.

Col.


Colonel,

Thanks for the read on this. I just don't want this one to go away, I guess. lol. I had a blast writing this, and I still think it holds some rather good descriptive lines, some nice weirdness and sadistic shit. I was going for over-the top gross out horror, comedy, whatever.

You can, or used to, be able to track a dollar bill on a website called "Where's George?" I don't know if it's around anymore, but that was the gist here. Only problem was I never mentioned it. I was too busy writing about greasy farts and drilling holes in people's heads.

Maybe one day when I have time I'll revisit this, take some of yours and others suggestions onboard and give this a proper rewrite.

Your notes and logic are spot on. This was written six years ago so I guess I still had a lot to learn.

Anyway, thanks for giving a read and providing me with your notes and time. As always, it's much appreciated.

Steve


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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



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Quoted from SteveClark
I had a blast writing this, and I still think it holds some rather good descriptive lines, some nice weirdness and sadistic shit. I was going for over-the top gross out horror, comedy, whatever.


Well, you definitely achieved that.


Quoted from SteveClark
You can, or used to, be able to track a dollar bill on a website called "Where's George?" I don't know if it's around anymore, but that was the gist here. Only problem was I never mentioned it.


Oh, that's interesting, I never knew about that. But yeah, it would be very difficult to insert that info into the script without it landing like a big ole grand piano of exposition. Perhaps, the opening shot could be of a phone/computer screen showing said website and Lindsay looking it up. The visual of that alone might be enough to get the point across without any dialogue. Anyway, I guess this is only an issue for non-American readers/viewers.





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SteveClark
Posted: November 10th, 2019, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Oh, that's interesting, I never knew about that. But yeah, it would be very difficult to insert that info into the script without it landing like a big ole grand piano of exposition. Perhaps, the opening shot could be of a phone/computer screen showing said website and Lindsay looking it up. The visual of that alone might be enough to get the point across without any dialogue. Anyway, I guess this is only an issue for non-American readers/viewers.


No, based on a bunch of the reviews in here, it was an issue, period. Without that scene of Lindsay in front of a computer searching on the website, no one really knew how she had tracked this dollar down, and that needs to be addressed.


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