SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is May 8th, 2021, 5:40am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion forum, please send me a message. There is no online registration. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Brace yourself for the May Challenge to be announced Monday, May 10th!


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Dollar Girl Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
Googlebot and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Dollar Girl  (currently 5200 views)
Don
Posted: November 10th, 2013, 11:41am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14583
Posts Per Day
1.97
The Dollar Girl by Steven Clark - Short, Horror - Two girls track a long lost dollar bill to a family with eccentric tastes. 14 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

SimplyScripts Masks can be purchased at: facebook.com/UCanBeSafe/
-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Dustin
Posted: November 10th, 2013, 1:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5258
Posts Per Day
1.85
Hi steve, me again. I'll take notes as I go.

Code

She turns to CAROL, 16, conservative and cute.



Why does she turn to her? From the following blocks of action I can surmise that she is turning to her expectantly, waiting for her opinion on something. In fact, it would probably be better to get rid of her turning to her at all and go straight to CAROL and her description, the scrunched-up nose thing.


Code

EXT. HOUSE - DAY
A tall, dilapidated Victorian sits on a large expanse of
weeds, trees and overgrown bushes. Its top windows are
boarded. A lone plank of lumber sways in the wind.



In the above it looks like you've written 'HOUSE' in the action, realised it and then deleted it. It looks like that because of the 'A' at the beginning of the sentence. Drop the 'A'... go straight into, Tall, dilapidated, Victorian, sitting before an expanse of weeds, trees and overgrown bushes. Because being 'on' weed, trees and overgrown bushes would be difficult.


Code

INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS

LINDSAY
I think it's kinda charming in a...



Always avoid going straight to dialogue if at all possible. Have some form of action. Have them reach for a boiled sweet... anything to avoid going straight to dialogue after a new slug.


Code

LINDSAY
Look, we don't have to stay for
dinner. You know I've been tracking
this dollar bill for, like, seven
years now and --

CAROL
I know, I know. First dollar you ever
made at that little lemonade stand
when we were kids.



This makes me cringe. You're talking the plot. A better way to tackle this would be to have Carol bored, maybe wanting to go home. Lyndsay snaps at her, I've been searching for this dollar bill almost seven years.

Carol snaps back, Big deal! The first dollar you ever made, blah, blah, blah.

Whenever you have exposition to feed us, bury that sucker deep. That means hiding it behind drama. This way our concentration is on the drama and not the exposition being oh-so-subtly forced down our throats.


Code

I/E. CAR/FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS
They get out of the car and start for the house.



Maybe you've seen this utilised in a pro-script... I can see how an int and an ext could go together in one slug. However there just isn't any need for it here. Just go back to EXT. HOUSE and have them getting out of the car and then a new slug for when they enter the FRONT YARD. You don't have to utilise a new slug for the front yard, but I would as this would enable you to better describe it as they walk along a path, maybe it's gravel, red brick, overgrown and hard to get by...


Code

SEVERUS (V.O.)
(from inside)
Who's at the door, rat?



Should be (OS) not (VO)... also no need for the (from inside) parentheses.


Code

Brian's face suddenly looks sweet and innocent.



From his stuttering and age, I already thought of him as being quite innocent.


Code

Brian grabs a small mirror from a shelf. He races over to
Grandpa and places the mirror under his nose.

SEVERUS
Well?

BRIAN
A little fog. Not much.

SEVERUS
Oh, that's good.
(to girls)
We do that sometimes.
He's as old as
 the hills

CAROL
(nudges Lindsay)
Ask him about the dollar.

BRIAN
Oh right!
The dollar.

Brian RUNS, trips over his feet and lands on Grandpa's lap.



In the above sequence Brian checks Grandpa out with the mirror, but then also runs, manages to trip over his feet and fall in grandpa's lap afterwards. He's already next to Grandpa, so how does he run and fall into his lap? Unless he's attempting to run over Grandpa's head, I can't see it happening.



All in all, not a bad story. She goes in search of the dollar and finds it. No plot holes that I can think of, so it works. Reads fast, characters have an individual voice, action for the most part is fine. Pretty decent job mate, thanks for sharing.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 7:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Dustin,

Thanks for the review.  A lot of what you mentioned rings true.  The I/E was a tough one for me.  Thought that was the best way to go with that.   Severus' VO was inexcusable.  That one just got past me somehow.  House standing on weeds...that's another time I remember staring at a paragraph thinking...hmm, something's wrong here!  And good advice on burying the exposition there, man.  There's another version of this with further editing, but my laptop crashed.  For all I know I might have fixed a few of those already.  

Side Note:

This short was written for Michael's (Spesh2k) dollar anthology.  You might remember Michael's The Soda Machine.  Anyway, this one didn't quite make the cut, but at least it explains the dollar angle.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 32
CoopBazinga
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 8:09am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Perth, Australia
Posts
1180
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Steven, (or do you prefer Steve?)

Just some notes as I read:

Strange slug to start with - EXT CAR? I would put focus straight on to the spooky house. So instead of that wasted opening slug and line of action, open with the EXT. HOUSE, and then show the car screeching to a stop outside before moving into the car.

How do I know Carol is conservative?

"Carol peers across Lindsay" Is she looking at Lindsey or out the car window? This could be clearer.

"A lone plank of lumber sways in the wind." I don't get this? Is this hanging from the window? Leaning against the house? Maybe dangling off the roof - all I get is images of pirates when you use the word plank.

Okay, so they're at the creepy house to get a dollar back - how will she know it's the right dollar? There’s plenty of dollars flying around. How did the people in the creepy house know she was looking for her special dollar? Was she putting out a message on Facebook. How do the creepy people know they've got the right dollar? Lots of questions so far.

"I/E. CAR/FRONT YARD - CONTINUOUS" Or EXT. HOUSE.

Why is Carol, a 16 year old, laughing about rape? I found this a rather odd thing to say.

Love the spooky rocking chair - always a good visual in this scenario.

"(it's) hinges" its.

L-l-l-l-lesbians? How old is Brian? 12 or 15?

Why does Lindsay look at Carol, bemused? Maybe she thinks they are lesbians?

Severus should be O.S - not V.O

"It's the girls with the dollar!" Who has the dollar? I thought it was Brian, but he's telling Severus the girls have the dollar. Isn't Lindsay or Carol bothered about how they knew about the dollar, or where they got it from.

"Brian's face suddenly looks sweet and innocent." What did it look like before? Horrible and guilty? Wouldn't he be sweet and innocent to lure them in and then suddenly change appearance to nasty and shady. I don't know, maybe this one is going a different direction to what I thought.

Why did they rub their hands on the back of their jeans? Was it because of the handshake? If so, then I would have them do this immediately after the handshake, gives it more effect. I was a little confused by this line at first, didn't understand what they were doing.

Could use a mini-slug (living room) in the house IMO.

“Brian RUNS” Why run? Where was he standing to suddenly trip over and fall on to Grandpa’s lap, I thought he was beside him?

Why did they shriek at the old man’s groans? What is going on? Where is the dollar? Who are these people?

“The door next to the staircase SWINGS open.” Take me back… what door is this again? Did this get intro’d before?

“MOMMY, 87, blue hair.” Should this be Grandma? I find it hard to believe that this is actually Brian’s mom – that would have made her 75 when she had him… it’s possible I guess but how old does this make Grandpa when he had Mommy? I’m very confused.

“Did I hear someone say we have guests?” No, she didn’t.

Again, how does Lindsey know this is her dollar? Does it have a special marking on it or something?

“OMG.” Does Lindsay say Oh My God or OMG? Do people actually say OMG – I know it’s used but didn’t think peeps went around saying it.

“Big tooth-less smile.” Does teeth have some meaning? Severus has sparkling white teeth, but Mommy is tooth-less.

“A bloody tooth” Yeah, I’m beginning to think teeth have some meaning.

“Drink! Drink!” How can she drink? He did just smash the glass over her head, right?

You don’t actually need to have the full slug – could just have used “LATER” Doesn’t matter, just thought I would mention it.

“stained couch in the living room.” Is this the same couch Severus was sitting on before?

WTF?! Is 87 year-old Mommy doing a lap dance for the dollar girls? This story has really taken a left turn.

“Brian sits on the arm of Grandpa's chair. He claps excitedly.” Is the spotlight on Mommy or Brian? Or maybe there is a technical guy up there who’s moving it around. I thought it was pitch black other than the spotlight.

“Oh, Mommy! This never gets old!” This is just getting weird!

“sashays's” Does sashays need an apostrophe?

“She lets loose a greasy FART” Okay, okay – this has really gone into spoof territory. What is the plan here? Why have they taken the dollar girls hostage? Just to force them to watch this hideous lap dance.

“She finishes.” You mean the lap dance, right?

Lol! Grandpa has a bulge in his pants the size of Florida – where did you come up with that one? Lucky Grandpa.

“Severus stands. Covers his ears.” He should have been covering his eyes the dirty bastard.

“Severus goes behind the couch. CLANKING noises are heard.” What couch? The one he’s sitting on or the dollar girls? Why is there clanking noises?

“One hand holds a power drill.” Oh, now I get it – he keeps his toolbox behind the couch instead of the garage or shed.

“Fear engraves itself on Lindsay's face.” Who’s fear?

“Severus hops on Carol and pins her.” Why? Isn’t she already tied up?

“Carol's mouth forms a perfect O” As long as it’s a “perfect” O. I have no idea what this means.

What happened to Carol? One moment, she seems kinda lost and out of it, you know, with people drilling holes in her head, but then she suddenly springs to life and is using the drill (stupid move by Severus BTW, who leaves the drill on the couch with the victims)

“He casually grabs the Samurai sword. Jabs it into the back of the couch.” So Severus is now behind the couch – I’m finding it hard to keep track of characters movements. Is Mommy still lap dancing? Is Grandpa’s bulge getting bigger?

“A gray piece of intestine wiggles out through the gaping wound.” Loving the gore – this reads like the intestine is alive and trying to escape.

“Lindsay falls back, raises her legs. She slices the duct tape around her ankles with the sword.” Okay, I’m getting confused... how did Lindsay get the sword? I thought Severus had it?

“Severus races around to get her.” It’s a couch! Not a thirty foot wall, why race around, just pull the sword out, if he still does in fact have it? Or jump over and grab her.

“Lindsay stands. Runs to the back of the couch.” This must be one big couch!? People are running around it like it would stop a full on attack.

Okay, so the samurai was still stuck in the couch – this Severus loves to leave his tools hanging around for his prisoners to grab.

“She hastily slices the tape around her wrists.” With a samurai under pressure, she better be careful.

“Picks up the sword” Huh? What did she cut the tape with?

Really!? A power drill verses a samurai sword – Severus isn’t very bright is he?

“lunges over the couch” Finally! If he’d done this a minute ago then he wouldn’t be in this mess.

“He looks up at Lindsay, stupefied.” Maybe I wrong about Severus… he’s quite fun. Love how he looks on amazed that a samurai sword could do such damage.

“his big boner pups a tent on his urine stained pants.” Yes! Grandpa is back.

“She's ready for anything now.” That’s an understatement. What was worse I wonder: seeing Carol die, or Mommy’s lap dance?

Oh no, what a disappointing end to Grandpa, hop he fell backwards.

“The spotlight above suddenly goes out.” I forgot about the spotlight (which you hyphened earlier) did it light up the whole room? Just wondered what the point of it was? Maybe some the scenes were taking place in pitch black.

“She steps forward and trips over a corpse.” Seems clumsy for someone who would be on alert, her adrenalin pumping.

“leaving us behind in the darkened room.” What happened to spotlight?

I really wish you’d gone full spoof here – how funny would it have been if Lindsay comes back in, picks up the dollar and then says “Oh fuck! This isn’t even my dollar” and then leaves… well, I think it would have been funny.

Not sure what to say about this because I don’t know if it was supposed to be serious or not, the tone shifts completely from the halfway point. I looked at the logline again and there is no mention of comedy – just horror.

It’s entertaining, I’ll give you that, but the actual plot is paper-thin and the characters (Lindsey and Carol) don’t really come across as likeable – I didn’t care for the situation. She’s been looking for a dollar for seven years, I doubt that and there is no possible way to ever find it when you think about it. There needs to be something special about this dollar, a way to make it stand out from the crowd but to be honest, I don’t think it works anyway you swing it.

I would give them a more creditable reason to go to the house like I don’t know, maybe a party or the chance to prove themselves to the local bullies that they’re not scared to go to the haunted house. Those are both pretty awful actually, but definitely more believable. If it stays this way, then make Lindsay more curious about the dollar and how they have or why they are giving it back. Try to create more suspense in those opening 6-8 pages, make it seem like something bad is about to happen while letting the reader get to know Lindsay through these said moments. How does she react?

The second half of the story is just weird, funny and over the top mayhem and if that was what you was going for then good job. I can see the Sawyer (or Hewitt) family being at the top of your mind when writing this.

On the other hand, if this was supposed to be more scary, terrifying or shocking then it failed in a big way. It just becomes a parody towards the end with stupid decisions by our mad villains and Grandpa’s boner of course.

So, overall this one didn’t do a lot for me as a story – I found the whole situation flimsy and the horror here came across more as over the top comedy, but if the recent OWC has taught me anything, it’s that we all see horror in different ways. On the bright side, it was entertaining and did give me a chuckle so thanks for that.

Best of luck with it.

Steve
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 32
dogglebe
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 8:34am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I didn't like this one at all.  It was one page of set up and twelve pages of torture doesn't quite do it.  Young kids find themselves trapped by close relatives of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family.

While reading this, I kept asking how Lindsay was able to track a specific dollar bill after seven years.  That was the only thing that interested me.


Phil
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 11th, 2013, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Hey Phil,

Thanks for the read.  Sorry it wasn't up your alley.  The bit of exposition that I left out was that Lindsay had traced the dollar bill through on online bill tracing website called "Where's Washington."  A take on another dollar tracing website.  But due to page count I needed to keep this one short so I scrapped it.  

Hope you are feeling better, Phil!

Now for Steve!  (Coop)

That was, hands down, the best negative (sort of) review I have ever been given.  And the funniest by far!  I've read it a couple times and I'm hysterical laughing.  Excellent job, my friend!

I appreciate your suggestions, and catching things that didn't seem to make any sense.  writing this I was kinda aware of some of these things but I guess I just didn't deem them too big a deal to fix.

And, God no, this is not a spoof!  Technically, it is horror -- horror lite?  I don't know what you'd call it really.  This was written for Spesh2k's dollar anthology, where all the stories -- horror -- have to have a dollar bill placed in the story somewhere.  So, that's where the dollar angle came from.  And I had read Michael's (Spesh2k) The Soda Machine, which has a guy fucking a soda machine, for Christ's sake, so I took my cue from that with this piece and tried to put it way over the top and crazy.

My idea of horror is pretty straight forward.  If you read my OWC entry, One Evil Man, that is a good example of the horror I like.

This piece, as you have so deftly pointed out, was so ridiculous at times it was funny.  I wasn't really going for funny -- shocking perhaps -- but if it read funny and people got a few laughs out of it then I am pleased.  I entertained.

And come to think of it, a lot of horror movies aren't really big on believability, are they?

Your suggestion of having Lindsay come back at the end only to discover that the dollar wasn't hers was a great suggestion!  If I ever re-write this I'd like to use that.

Anyway, thanks again!  Your review made my day.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: November 13th, 2013, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.33
Steve, I read this all the way through and then read the comments.

I'm not going to comment on the actual writing, but I will say it needs work in numerous areas.

I will comment on the meat here, though.

For this kind of story to work and be taken seriously, there are several things you need to get right, and the most important is tone.  The tone here is way off, which makes this read like a comedy...a sick comedy, but still a comedy. Everything is too over the top and it's just impossible to take as intended.

You also have to have characters that we root for, fear for, and generally care about.  You didn't do that here at all, and because of that, it doesn't work at all.

You also have to set the scene properly, and again, that didn't happen.  We don't know anything about anyone, or really anything about anything.  Since our 2 Protags are 16 years old, one has to assume that they haven't travelled all that far to get to this "house", and it's day, so that confirms it's not a long trip.  Where is this?  Why are these evil killers out there and why do they want to do what they do to these 2 innocent girls, almost immediately?

Starting off with an EXT CAR Slug is a total missfire.  Set the opening scene of where we are.

The whole find the certain dollar bill thing is also a big missfire, in that it's just goofy and so unrealistic.

While reading, I got the feeling you recently watched Devil's Rejects and/or House of 1,000 Corpses, because it just played out like a bad parody.

I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you know that, Steve.  I love the genre you attempted to write, but there are certain rules this genre lives and dies by.

Take care.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 13th, 2013, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Hey Jeff,

Thanks for taking a look at this.  The consensus is in: this needs some work!

I think the reason why you're not commenting on the writing is because you've done so before -- on my OWC story, which got a much better review from you.  As you are a senior member of SS (and I mean senior only in regards to time spent here) I was waiting for your review, and yes, I was expecting the worst.  But I was pleasantly surprised.  The writing there, as it is here, is much the same.  It's not joining sentences, not enough apostrophes, commas, stuff like that.  I understand completely, and am working on it.  Problem is, my shorts just don't get enough of my attention as, say, a feature would.  Perhaps I could have eliminated most mistakes and worked on my "staccato" style, which I now look upon as more a nuisance than anything.

That being said, Phil hit it on the head when he referenced The Texas Chainsaw Massacre family.   That was more what I had in mind.  Writing it over the top was my intention from the beginning.  Re-reading after your review, I can see where the problems lie and why it's taking some heat.

On the other hand, this was kinda meant to be fun, and I only had about two weeks to write it.  I knew it wasn't traditional horror.  I knew it wasn't straight up comedy.  A hybrid, perhaps, and if there is one regret it's that I didn't flesh out Lindsay's character more.  There's a whole list of explanations this story needs.

Oh well, back to the drawing board, I guess.  BTW, I know you're just being helpful, Jeff, and it is much appreciated.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 32
Dreamscale
Posted: November 14th, 2013, 12:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

Location
Cave Creek, AZ
Posts
11456
Posts Per Day
2.33
Steve, I'm getting close to senior on every level...

Hey seriously, I think you know I'm trying to help.  If yuo went for over the top comedy, that's cool, but it didn't feel that way.  I too laughed at Coop's review, but he's pretty spot on, as he usually is - those smart ass damn Aussies!!!  

Point being, you can make this work for what it is, if you want ot, but you're wading into heavily cliched, been there, done that, territory.

Your OWC had alot going for it, and I'll tell you now that IMO, it was top 5 or so stuff.

This needs work or needs to be scrapped, but we all have these scripts. so it's up to you how to proceed.

Peace out, bro.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 32
rolo
Posted: November 15th, 2013, 10:28am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
137
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey Steve -

Read this a few days ago - then let it stew in my head for awhile! Just gave it a second read. Thing is, I pretty much agree with everything everyone else has said about it.

I liked how Brian only seemed to stammer when talking to the girls. However, his shyness suddenly seemed to disappear when he grabbed Lindsay's face and eyeballed her on page 5 - so his character came off a tad inconsistent imo.

One thing that puzzled me (apologies if someone else has already brought this up) was this on page 6:

"Carol grabs her arm, but Severus comes from behind and puts her in a bear hug. He lifts her off the floor.

Carol kicks wildly. Screams her head off.

Lindsay, oblivious, grabs a glass of lemonade and gulps it down."

As far as I could tell, Lindsay and Carol are in the same room? So how is it possible Lindsay never heard Carol's screams?

Mommy's bizarre song and dance routine on page 8 could come off quite creepy if done right imo. However, what followed: the greasy fart she let loose and Grandpa's boner the size of Florida etc - Resulted in a definite tonal shift, as others have mentioned.

Personally, I'd loose all the comedy stuff and keep it as a straight horror.

I quite liked CoopBazinga's suggestion about Lindsay coming back for the dollar only to realize it wasn't hers. But given that she had just seen her best friend murdered, I found it a tad difficult to believe that she would come back at all?!

One idea I had, that would obviously take the screenplay in a slightly different direction, is: What if Lindsay was adopted as a small child and the only keepsake she had of her biological family was half a dollar bill.

So she's not going to pick up the first dollar she made - she's going there to meet the owners of the matching half of the dollar bill - her family! Imagine walking into that house, meeting that bunch of oddballs and discovering that they are your blood relatives?!! Talk about gross!! Lol.

Given the time constraints you mentioned and the fact that a dollar had to be included in the narrative - I think you did a pretty good job overall. I also liked your writing style! (though I know it's not to everyone's taste!).

Take care, Steve

Sorry, I couldn't be more helpful.

Gary (Rolo)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 32
Heretic
Posted: November 18th, 2013, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
1888
Posts Per Day
0.30
I read this last week but didn't get a chance to comment. I had kinda forgotten about it -- not a good sign for a script of extremes.

This definitely read as (black) comedy to me. It's so utterly over the top that it couldn't really be taken seriously. This is not a bad thing in itself, though I suppose it's bad if it's not what you were intending.

Phil rather succinctly explained why this doesn't work. Short setup followed by a bunch of excess. Texas Chainsaw is a good comparison, and if you think about why that film works, it's all in the ratio of setup to payoff. Your characters here don't function as much more than moving meatbags -- the girls are helpless innocent girls, the family are arbitrarily depraved, walking gross-out gags. The latter can be a lot of fun, but the former will always, always defeat a torture story (for me). I'll argue a working definition of drama as the clash of two parties with different goals, and their maneuvering to achieve them. The maneuvering tends to make up the majority of the twists and turns. There's no maneuvering here. There's a reversal, I suppose, but more or less this boils down to...the girls make a bad choice, they pay for it. That's a story that can happen in thirty seconds. Twelve pages needs rising and falling action, and there's nothing here -- just a constant stream of gross. And gross is great, but it only works as the icing on the cake -- never the cake itself. The Texas Chainsaw dinner is famous, and great, because of the story that precedes it. By itself, it's nothing.

And your major inciting action here is that they decide to go into the house. And we think, "What a couple of dumbasses." And that's basically what the rest of the story gives us -- a couple dumbasses pay for an obvious mistake. So there's no surprise in there.

The exposition's not working. It's "as you know..." stuff. Needs to be switched up. Part of the reason this script is facing that problem is because of what I talked about above -- the important stuff needs to get awkwardly jammed into the first page because they've gotta get tortured soon.

I haven't said much about the actual sequence of events in the script because I think your writing is fine and I think the sequence is fine and the gross-out stuff is quite funny. But it's really just not worth even thinking about without a setup that draws us into the story and gives us some actual characters.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 19th, 2013, 9:57am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Heretic,

Hey, thanks for taking a look. Much appreciated. It is agreed that this needs some work. Starting out I thought this to be a fun piece (still do), but as you and other commenters noted, there needs to be sufficient build up in order for this to work on any level. I guess it was one of those things where I had so much fun torturing to do that I let little things like build up and character motivation slide! Essential, yes, i agree 100%.

Maybe I should stop writing these things in my car at the Dunkin Donuts parking lot in the morning before work! It's true.

Anyway, thanks for pointing these things out.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 32
Reel-truth
Posted: November 20th, 2013, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Brooklyn, NY
Posts
90
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hey Steve

I figured I'd return the favor, since you commented on two of mine.

So...this is definitely a way out their type of story. I get it that it was part of that anthology with the dollar bill. I think I commented on the soda machine too. Which I thought was pretty off the wall toward the end. Yours had this weird Devils rejects/Texas chainsaw/I don't know what...lol

I actually found the beginning pretty funny. when that screen door fell, and she's like, "Were outta' here"..that had me laughing out loud.

It seemed like this could have worked if you settled on the right tone. You could have went balls out comedy, or straight creepy horror. The two of them blended together didn't work for me.

How or where did Lindsey spot the dollar in the house.  She's like "Hey, there's my dollar" Where was it? On the table? The floor? And if it was on a table somewhere, How did she know it was HER dollar? A lot of dollars out there, ya' know.

I think the point that turned me off about it was when the mom was giving the grandpa a lap dance. That was just unsettling. And if unsettling was what you were shooting for. Then you aced it.

The gory stuff, I love, big fan of the blood and guts. But when you teeter on that weird family scenario and odd behavior, I don't particularly find it scary. It definitely was entertaining to say the least

It wasn't a bad read though. It was quick, flew by. It was just... a little bizarre.


Marcello




Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 32
Guest
Posted: November 20th, 2013, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.18
A couple of days ago I got change while making a purchase at a store...

I got a dollar back that had this written on it (paraphrasing):  "From uncle so-and-so, for catching my first fish 09/12/95"
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 21st, 2013, 8:09am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
There's a story in there somewhere, Reap.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 21st, 2013, 10:06am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Marcello,

Thanks for reading. I agree with your comments the same as I do with most of the comments. While we're all agreed it needs work, one thing that stands out for me is that most thought it was entertaining,
to say the least. So I suppose that's a positive i can take from all this. Always moving forward.

Reaper,

Your little story touched me on some level. My dear old dad loved fishing. Many times we went out together fishing on the Great South Bay of Long Island. I'll treasure those memories.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 32
Guest
Posted: November 22nd, 2013, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
712
Posts Per Day
0.18

Quoted from SteveClark


Reaper,

Your little story touched me on some level. My dear old dad loved fishing. Many times we went out together fishing on the Great South Bay of Long Island. I'll treasure those memories.

Steve



well, there you go... a new short... or a feature.  

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 32
Forgive
Posted: November 22nd, 2013, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1379
Posts Per Day
0.34
Hey Steve - this is one of those scripts that I read, and then kept on coming back to, and that bugs me some. Part of me thought I don't really have anything to add to this, as you've got some pretty spot-on critiques on it. I hope you you don't  feel too disconsolate about it - it's not so bad.

The only thing that I can really add is concerning story - in that it probably isn't so much a short. Like phil, heretic and others have said, it needs some development at the beginning - so is it a short story? Some stories can be told in short, other can't.

So often what works in film is a unique angle - so often we are told the same story, but with a different twist. The premise here works for me (as phil suggested, there's legs in it), but is the story given the breathing space it needs?

Working from heretic's "a working definition of drama as the clash of two parties with different goals" you can surmise that there are always two stories in one tale, but one side that we're going to take. That doesn't mean that we're only going to develop one side of the story - we're only going to side with one side of the story. So the antagonists' motivation must equal the protagonists' motivation.

Characters drive the story too. And therefore the 'who (& why)' (is doing something) matters as much as the 'what' (they are doing).

If the story genuinely deserves all of this (explanation) then you have to wonder if it can be told in short. If not - then maybe it deserves the length it needs.

My 2 cents.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 22nd, 2013, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
SiColl (Simon, right?),

Thanks for the input, man.  Don't feel disconsolate at all.  Quite the opposite, really.  I'm happy this piece has gotten attention (although for the wrong reasons!), and I'm appreciative for all the great feedback I've gotten from you guys.  Really.  I'm more upset that my laptop has crashed and I'm not writing at the moment!

I think you're spot on about the length issue.  When I wrote this it did have to fit in around the ten minute mark, so that was part of the problem there.  The other problem was eliminating necessary exposition in order to get this story flowing better.  I think the torture and mayhem that drives this piece would have been much more effective had we reason to root for Carol, gotten to know her and the situation a little better.  Just didn't happen and I consider it a major oversight on my part.

But that's the way it goes sometimes.  As opposed to revisiting this, I'll probably (hopefully) start work on something new.  Again, thanks for your observations!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 32
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 24th, 2013, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
810
Posts Per Day
0.25
Hey Steven,

Not a bad effort at all.  Some of the slugs were a bit confusing, but you made up for it throughout the story.  The dialogue needs some work.  The story was decent but it was difficult for me to pinpoint how I should receive what took place.  The dollar bill wasn't a good symbol.  It could've been a better catalyst for moving the story, it never felt relevant.

The characters were colorful, and you demonstrate a great awareness toward supporting visuals for the scene.  Creepy, funny weirdness for me.

Later,

Johnny
Logged
Private Message Reply: 19 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 24th, 2013, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Hey Johnny,

Thanks for the read, pal.


Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Creepy, funny weirdness for me.


That really, in a nutshell, was what this was all about for me.  No more, no less.  Perhaps I focused too much on the action because I was having so much fun with it!  But I'm glad you found a couple positive things in there.  Writing wise, I think it has its moments, both good and bad.

Oh, and to give credit where credit is due:  the line I used -- "Grandpa has a bulge in his pants the size of Florida."  Funny line, yes, but borrowed.  It's basically the same line Robin Williams utters to his love interest in The Fisher King.  It's such a great line and I just couldn't resist.

Steve



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 32
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 12:48am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
810
Posts Per Day
0.25
You're symbols have always been your strong suit from the scripts I've read from you.  I thought about the dollar as an alpha/omega considering lemonade is where it started, and now lemonade is where it ends.

But with these type of colorful characters, they always seems to bring symbols into a focal point through pretentious dialogue.  Explaining why the symbol is just as important to themselves.  This is just a few great lines away from checking into Quentin Tarantino mode.

I respect that you're not the kind of writer that is comfortable in one genre, and that you push the boundaries of streamlined ideas.  But I think this script could've benefited from the techniques you applied in your other works.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 32
DV44
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.16
Steven,

Blood & Gore, what's not to like.   I enjoyed the story for what is it. Reminded me a little bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre with the creepy family but it fell flat for me in a couple of parts. Not to say I didn't like it but there's a few areas that need to be cleared up.

Page 6. Carol screams her head off when Severus gets her in a bear hug but Lindsay is totally oblivious to that and continues to drink Lemonade. I would think Lindsay would be able to hear Carol screaming especially since she's standing next to her. Maybe you could have Serverus cover Carol's mouth to help from Lindsay hearing her. Similar to the scene in the Hills have Eyes when one of the women had their mouths covered and getting raped so the other girl couldn't hear her.

Page 10. Brian is killed by Carol with the power drill right in front of Mommy & Severus but neither show any reaction to Brian's death. In fact, the next action line you have Severus push the Samurai sword into the couch killing Lindsay and still no mention of it. Even if Severus or Mommy were facing the opposite way from Carol & Brian, Brian's screams alone would cause attention. Maybe have Severus stab Lindsay first with the sword followed by Carol killing Brian prompting a reaction from Mommy which in turn Carol pushes her on the sword wounding her. Just a thought.

Carol must really want that dollar badly since she went back into the chaos and snatched it before leaving. A tad unbelievable that someone would do that after everything she just went through but Carol seems like the kind of person that is determined so i guess it works.

There's some things to work on but you're headed in the right direction. Love the visuals throughout. Great job and good luck on future projects.

- Dirk

Revision History (1 edits)
DV44  -  November 25th, 2013, 6:27pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 25th, 2013, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
This is just a few great lines away from checking into Quentin Tarantino mode.


Sounds maybe like you are indeed taking those crazy pills, John!  Thanks for saying that, though.  I understand what you're saying about symbols.  I don't really go for that all the time.  They just sort of pop up when I'm writing, but I was well aware of the lemonade situation.  Now there's a title for ya!  The dollar, as it stands now, can really be changed into anything I wanted at this point.  It wasn't relevant as the story progressed, but it was why they were there in the first place.  A lot of loose ends with this one, Johnny.  

Dirk,

Thanks for the read.  

Code

Page 6. Carol screams her head off when Severus gets her in a bear hug but Lindsay is totally oblivious to that and continues to drink Lemonade.



Lindsay is oblivious because it is mentioned that once Brian waves the dollar in her face she gets kinda loopy, almost hypnotized by Brian's eyes...Something like that.

Code

Page 10. Brian is killed by Carol with the power drill right in front of Mommy & Severus but neither show any reaction to Brian's death.



Well, Severus does react by stabbing Carol, not Lindsay, from behind with the sword.  Mommy's reaction is a bit more delayed, but she does eventually react.  But I totally understand what you're saying here, Dirk.  And your confusion as to who is getting killed just further accentuates how unclear this piece can be at times!  Also, at the end it is Lindsay who comes back for the dollar, not Carol!  See what I mean?  I actually just went back to make sure I was right about that, BTW.  

In short, there was a lot going on here and it's obvious even I got sucked into my own vortex, if that makes sense.

But I'm glad you liked the visuals!  And thanks again for the read.  

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 32
spesh2k
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 12:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1047
Posts Per Day
0.22
Hey, Steven, I remember reading this a month or so ago, good to see you've posted it on here. For sure, the writing can be sharpened up, but it was better than the writing in a lot of the submissions I'd received. That being said, still needs a few rewrites. The type of horror that this story is was too similar to one of the submissions that did make the cut. I agree that the tone was inconsistent... probably set a bad example with Soda Machine. A lot of submissions tried out-weirding or out-doing the sick (and I'll be first to admit, tacky) sense of humor involved. But I wanted to mix things up a bit with the submissions. A few that initially made the cut probably won't make it in for some of the reasons that were mentioned in previous comments... the dollar theme felt kind of forced in, though I liked where you were going with it initially.

Overall, I thought your tale was sick and twisted enough, but it has been done before (Texas Chainsaw, Rob Zombie stuff, Saw, torture porn type stuff)... and just a tad misogynistic... felt bad for the girls, no redemption (from what I remember). Would have liked to see that weird family receive their comeuppance. I was surprised by the tale (in kind of a good way) due to the fact that the other stuff I've read by you is FAR more tame in subject matter.

Still accepting submissions, though I'm leaning towards writing most of the other tales in the anthology myself, though things have slowed down w/ the project due to other projects and other real life kind of stuff.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 32
DV44
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
California
Posts
510
Posts Per Day
0.16
My apologies, Steven.

I was reading this yesterday at work. I must have been distracted because it appears I got Carol & Lindsay mixed up. Sorry for that.

Okay, so I went back and read the story again. Carol is the one who not only gets drilled in the head by the power tool but soon after dies from the sword. I guess my only question is how is Carol able to use the power drill after Severus used it on her just seconds earlier? I would think she would be paralized to a point where she wouldn't be able to think clearly therefore be able to think about using the power drill on Brian. Maybe I'm wrong on that.

Reread the scene where Brian looks deep into Lindsay's eyes. I understand reading it again that she's starting to go under but maybe a line from Brian could help.

"She's starting to feel the effects".  Not great but it helps for people like me who tend to read faster than there brain can keep up. lol!

- Dirk
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 25 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 26th, 2013, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Dirk,

No worries, man. I think Carol suddenly springing to life to take care of Brian is more like creative license. I mean, of course she should probably be dead, or near dead. But perhaps a final burst of adrenaline kicked in! I look at horror where a lot of unexplainable things could happen, this being one of them.

So, let me know if I can return a read for you. A lot of people responded to this, so that goes the same for all. Feel free to pm me anytime.

Michael,

You're right. I figured the Soda Machine was sort of the norm for the anthology, and tried to follow suit. That explains the craziness of this piece, and why it was unlike anything I'd written previously.

Take Care,

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 32
PabloM
Posted: October 25th, 2019, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
16
Posts Per Day
0.01
Its a sort of leather face family encounter. Once Carol and Lindsay get into has to deal with the excruciating phenomenon of that sadistic relatives. I thinks its some of the first scripts by Steve, when the writer looks for copy on his own way and interesting dialogues his way through the letters.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  October 25th, 2019, 6:03pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: October 26th, 2019, 11:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82
Pablo,

Hey man. A great BIG thanks for digging this one up from the depths. This may have been, like, the fifth or sixth script I've ever written. It shows, definitely.

This one will always be one of my favorites. not because it was that good, but for Coop's review of this. I laughed out loud reading it -- it truly is priceless. Other than that, not many others liked it, but I do agree that with a touch up this one might actually make a little sense. Regardless, it was fun to write and fun to re-read the script and the reviews.

Michael Kospiah, a very fine writer, had mentioned that he needed scripts for an anthology he was putting together. The only catch was it had to feature a dollar bill. Michael's script, The Soda Machine, was crazy. If you can find it I suggest you read it. With The Dollar Girl I was simply trying to out-crazy him.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 32
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 4th, 2019, 3:55am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1741
Posts Per Day
0.38
Steve

A blast from the past I see. I musta missed it the first time around.

LINDSAY
Look, we don't have to stay for
dinner. You know I've been tracking
this dollar bill for, like, seven
years now and –

CAROL
I know, I know. First dollar you ever
made at that little lemonade stand
when we were kids.

- Is there a way to make this less directly expositional? I’m sure you can drip feed us Lindsay’s motivations throughout the script which will, in turn, add to its mystery. Instead of just blatantly telling us up front like this.

“Shush's her.”

- Does the “her” belong to Shush?

CAROL
(sneers)
No.

- Hmm, I wonder why Lindsay referred to her as her girlfriend then?

“Lindsay grabs Carol and they step in. In unison, they both
rub their hands on the back of their jeans.”

- Odd reaction. Makes me think there is something else going on with these two…reading on…

CAROL
(nudges Lindsay)
Ask him about the dollar.

- Here is a good opportunity to drop in some of that plot/motive information I mentioned earlier.

“He snatches it away, then grabs her
face and looks deep in her eyes.”

- Umm, no reaction from Carol here at Brian’s forwardness and handling of Lindsay? I get that the former is transfixed by the dollar but Carol shouldn’t be. Instead she just calmly states that they should leave.

SEVERUS
Cunt!

- Ha, a jolting drop of the c-bomb. Wasn’t expecting that.

“He swipes a lemonade from off Mommy's tray and SMASHES the glass in her face.”

- Ok, this has taken a definite dark turn now. I thought, given all the obvious signposts and the Addams Family reference that they might look creepy but would turn out to be harmless, maybe even funny in a random sort of way but no, they are exactly as advertised.

“She comes out. Wears a black corset and a crazy grin. Hair
done up. Smeared red lipstick across her face. Her droopy
ass cheeks sway back and forth from under silk panties.”

- Haha, now there is a vision and a half!

“She sashays's to Grandpa. Throws a feather boa around his
neck. She lets loose a greasy FART, then bumps Brian to the
floor with a saggy butt cheek.”

- Yikes, Maybe we are swinging back into the weird but funny territory I anticipated earlier. Omit the possessive apostrophe in “sashays” too.

“He reappears. One hand holds a power drill. The other a
large boring bit. He carefully fits it in, taps the trigger a
couple times and smiles.”

- Oh Jesus. I really can’t get a bead on what you’re going for here at all, can I? It’s vacillating from over the top gothic, to weird, to violent, to bawdy humour, to goofy humour, then back to violence. That drill sequence is just downright naaasty.

“The WHIRRING of the power drill as it punctures through his
chest.”

- Am I really going to question logic and physics here? I guess so. A power drill wouldn’t immediately perforate someone before they had a chance to react. Drilling someone only works if they are tied down/incapacitated. C’mon, that’s murderous psycho 101 stuff


Right so this went full crazy gore fest in its last third. It seemed like you were going all out to shock and offend, push the limits of taste and all that...and that’s fine. A lot of people dig that sort of provocation. I just wish there was more of a point to it all.

I don’t know what I was expecting but it got so bat shit bananas that I was expecting some twist or sleight of hand to undercut what had happened...but no, its seems all this really did occur.

Somehow this family got hold of this dollar and lured the girls there with the intent to murder them, oh and put on a geriatric burlesque show in the process for whatever reason, for kicks I guess.

I wondered how did they get possession of said dollar in the first place. Also, where is the proof that it was said dolla? Is there a marking on it or something that I missed.

Other than that, it’s a very contrived set up that doesn’t seem necessary since it’s not followed up on. All that transpires is an extended killing scene. I mean, there are a thousand more plausible ways you could have these innocent girls cross paths with these weirdos.

Anyway, mildly amusing, particularly perverse but all rather meaningless.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 12:40am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Steve

A blast from the past I see. I musta missed it the first time around.

LINDSAY
Look, we don't have to stay for
dinner. You know I've been tracking
this dollar bill for, like, seven
years now and –

CAROL
I know, I know. First dollar you ever
made at that little lemonade stand
when we were kids.

- Is there a way to make this less directly expositional? I’m sure you can drip feed us Lindsay’s motivations throughout the script which will, in turn, add to its mystery. Instead of just blatantly telling us up front like this.

“Shush's her.”

- Does the “her” belong to Shush?

CAROL
(sneers)
No.

- Hmm, I wonder why Lindsay referred to her as her girlfriend then?

“Lindsay grabs Carol and they step in. In unison, they both
rub their hands on the back of their jeans.”

- Odd reaction. Makes me think there is something else going on with these two…reading on…

CAROL
(nudges Lindsay)
Ask him about the dollar.

- Here is a good opportunity to drop in some of that plot/motive information I mentioned earlier.

“He snatches it away, then grabs her
face and looks deep in her eyes.”

- Umm, no reaction from Carol here at Brian’s forwardness and handling of Lindsay? I get that the former is transfixed by the dollar but Carol shouldn’t be. Instead she just calmly states that they should leave.

SEVERUS
Cunt!

- Ha, a jolting drop of the c-bomb. Wasn’t expecting that.

“He swipes a lemonade from off Mommy's tray and SMASHES the glass in her face.”

Code

 Ok, this has taken a definite dark turn now..


You think? Haha

I thought, given all the obvious signposts and the Addams Family reference that they might look creepy but would turn out to be harmless, maybe even funny in a random sort of way but no, they are exactly as advertised.

Code

“She comes out. Wears a black corset and a crazy grin. Hair
done up. Smeared red lipstick across her face. Her droopy
ass cheeks sway back and forth from under silk panties."



I loved this description!!

- Haha, now there is a vision and a half!

Code

“She sashays's to Grandpa. Throws a feather boa around his
neck. She lets loose a greasy FART, then bumps Brian to the
floor with a saggy butt cheek."



Yep. Love this one, too.

- Yikes, Maybe we are swinging back into the weird but funny territory I anticipated earlier. Omit the possessive apostrophe in “sashays” too.

“He reappears. One hand holds a power drill. The other a
large boring bit. He carefully fits it in, taps the trigger a
couple times and smiles.”

- Oh Jesus. I really can’t get a bead on what you’re going for here at all, can I? It’s vacillating from over the top gothic, to weird, to violent, to bawdy humour, to goofy humour, then back to violence. That drill sequence is just downright naaasty.

“The WHIRRING of the power drill as it punctures through his
chest.”

- Am I really going to question logic and physics here? I guess so. A power drill wouldn’t immediately perforate someone before they had a chance to react. Drilling someone only works if they are tied down/incapacitated. C’mon, that’s murderous psycho 101 stuff


Right so this went full crazy gore fest in its last third. It seemed like you were going all out to shock and offend, push the limits of taste and all that...and that’s fine. A lot of people dig that sort of provocation. I just wish there was more of a point to it all.

I don’t know what I was expecting but it got so bat shit bananas that I was expecting some twist or sleight of hand to undercut what had happened...but no, its seems all this really did occur.

Somehow this family got hold of this dollar and lured the girls there with the intent to murder them, oh and put on a geriatric burlesque show in the process for whatever reason, for kicks I guess.

I wondered how did they get possession of said dollar in the first place. Also, where is the proof that it was said dolla? Is there a marking on it or something that I missed.

Other than that, it’s a very contrived set up that doesn’t seem necessary since it’s not followed up on. All that transpires is an extended killing scene. I mean, there are a thousand more plausible ways you could have these innocent girls cross paths with these weirdos.

Anyway, mildly amusing, particularly perverse but all rather meaningless.

Col.


Colonel,

Thanks for the read on this. I just don't want this one to go away, I guess. lol. I had a blast writing this, and I still think it holds some rather good descriptive lines, some nice weirdness and sadistic shit. I was going for over-the top gross out horror, comedy, whatever.

You can, or used to, be able to track a dollar bill on a website called "Where's George?" I don't know if it's around anymore, but that was the gist here. Only problem was I never mentioned it. I was too busy writing about greasy farts and drilling holes in people's heads.

Maybe one day when I have time I'll revisit this, take some of yours and others suggestions onboard and give this a proper rewrite.

Your notes and logic are spot on. This was written six years ago so I guess I still had a lot to learn.

Anyway, thanks for giving a read and providing me with your notes and time. As always, it's much appreciated.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 30 - 32
Colkurtz8
Posted: November 7th, 2019, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1741
Posts Per Day
0.38

Quoted from SteveClark
I had a blast writing this, and I still think it holds some rather good descriptive lines, some nice weirdness and sadistic shit. I was going for over-the top gross out horror, comedy, whatever.


Well, you definitely achieved that.


Quoted from SteveClark
You can, or used to, be able to track a dollar bill on a website called "Where's George?" I don't know if it's around anymore, but that was the gist here. Only problem was I never mentioned it.


Oh, that's interesting, I never knew about that. But yeah, it would be very difficult to insert that info into the script without it landing like a big ole grand piano of exposition. Perhaps, the opening shot could be of a phone/computer screen showing said website and Lindsay looking it up. The visual of that alone might be enough to get the point across without any dialogue. Anyway, I guess this is only an issue for non-American readers/viewers.





Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 31 - 32
SteveClark
Posted: November 10th, 2019, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2470
Posts Per Day
0.82

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Oh, that's interesting, I never knew about that. But yeah, it would be very difficult to insert that info into the script without it landing like a big ole grand piano of exposition. Perhaps, the opening shot could be of a phone/computer screen showing said website and Lindsay looking it up. The visual of that alone might be enough to get the point across without any dialogue. Anyway, I guess this is only an issue for non-American readers/viewers.


No, based on a bunch of the reviews in here, it was an issue, period. Without that scene of Lindsay in front of a computer searching on the website, no one really knew how she had tracked this dollar down, and that needs to be addressed.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 32
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006