Cocaine Galore by Athol Forsyth - Short - 20 keys of coke...now what? 11 pages - pdf, format

I am not sure how to feel about this. Firstly, you are confusing your and you're. Secondly, what's the point of this story?

*Spoilers*





Everybody dies in this script, but no solid reason is given. Richard kills his own brother, Rab, but why? Rab didn't steal any cocaine. He just found it. Richard just could have asked it back.

Same goes for Tony. Who killed him and why? And why did Fizz shoot himself in the end?

I know it's a short, but you have to provide convincing answers to these.

I liked some of your dialogues and the slang that you used. It sounded pretty authentic.

It can be an interesting script, but you need to address the issues that I mentioned.

Richard kills his brother Rab because I assume he wouldn't give the coke back, so Richard tried to beat it out of him but it went to far. Tony is a prison warden and had arranged a buyer with an inmate which endid up going wrong, they took the drugs and killed him. Fizz ends up shooting himself because two of his best friends have been killed, three if you include Richard. It's all got to much for him and he doesn't know how to handle it.

I know the ending is abrupt and probably needs to be changed.

I'm a stills photographer and I am trying to write and shoot a short as a project. I have never wrote a script in my life so I know it's not going to be awesome but I dont know any script writers so I had to try myself. For me it's all about the end result. Writing for me is a means to an end. I was going to end the story after Richard dies but the feedback I was getting said that I needed a proper ending so the last few pages were done in a hurry. Also this is a non funded project so I have to write the script with that in mind.  Bottom line is that I'm a shooter not a writer but I'll try anything once, so that's where I am. I'm not appose to a change in the ending so if anyone thinks they can improve it, please feel free to try.

Hi, Athol.

I know you've mentioned that you're not a screenwriter, but I'm pretty sure people are gonna feel less inclined to give you advice if they know they're not gonna get any back. Maybe reading and reviewing other scripts would not only help you get more reviews yourself, but improve your skills as a screenwriter as it'll highlight all the things that you're doing wrong. As you said, you don't know any screenwriters, so why not become one yourself? It may not be your forte, but if you can write a good script, that'll help secure funding in the future. Things like that.

Just a thought.

Hi Levon,

I am reading scripts here, that's the main reason I joined. Granted I haven't left any feedback yet but I only joined yesterday and I will be leaving feedback. I may well write another script after I get my head round this one, but for now my aim is to end up with something half decent and ready to shoot for spring.

Hello again Navi, I have rewritten the ending, hope it makes more sence now. I've put the new script up and it should be on show tonight. Thanks for the feedback.

i do like this title - a play on the old classic Scottish whiskey film that was my dad's favourite.

i cant promise a read, tad busy, but will see if i can at the weekend

just remember to read and review others when taking part, and welcome to SS

cheers

Thanks Reef Dreamer, I've put up rewrite of this, it's getting posted tonight, you're prob better reading that as I've tightened it up a bit. I have been reading other peoples scripts and leaving feedback although being a newbie I can only say so much, thanks for the welcome.

You're a stills photographer? Sorry, you've got no chance of filming this successfully.

First off, this fails on numerous levels. It could be nicely picked apart here, but there'd be no point, as you've tried something which you're not ready to do any justice to.

For this to work, you're going to have to take one or two key elements from it and work on them. Look at the finding and decision making process: One guy finds the drugs, tells his friend, and they have to make a decision on what to do with it. That would be easier to film as you've limited the locations and bodies involved, and you're concentrating the story in one particular area.

The way you are running it now, you're getting far too complicated, and the story is going to run flat because you've missed out so much that is interesting, built up no tension, and have created no atmosphere.

Pare back and find some essential elements and work on those.

Good luck with it.

WOW you really do think you're James Bond eh?  I think I need to give you a good shake for stirring me up.

Joking aside I think you've been a bit harsh here. With an opening line of  ' Sorry, you've got no chance of filming this successfully'   and 'It could be nicely picked apart here, but there'd be no point, as you've tried something which you're not ready to do any justice to'.

I'm glad it's not for ' For Your Eyes Only '  and you're lucky I don't have a ' Licence to Kill '

I think that's more puns in one hit than I've had in my entire time on these boards.

I don't want to be too harsh,  but it is too ambitious for a first job.

Sometimes people try and film a trailer as a bit of a tester - that might be worth a go, and it may help to see how much of a challenge you're setting yourself.

Like I say, if you were to take a portion of this script and re-work it, I really think you're more likely to get some solid input from the boards, because there is quite a lot wrong with it as it stands.

The principle idea works very well though... hopefully that will give you a (uh oh) quantum of solace. Damn, wasn't going to go there  

Why not just team up with a screenwriter? Most of us will let our shorts go out for free, just for a writing credit.

I'd suggest reading through the shorts here or even asking a screenwriter to write your concept for you. If they know it will be made then they'll probably do it. So long as they get the writing credit and you can do a good job of filming it.

Have you read it Dustin?

Well, firstly, it's either you can write or you can't. After that, it's just practice. Try to write some more stuff and post it over here.

I hadn't... but now I am.

Your scene setting is good. You know what you want to see. However, your dialogue seems almost childish in some places.

You don't seem to know the difference between, to and too, nor you're and your. No biggy if you're filming it yourself.

Code They’re pleased to see each other and give each other a hug.

In the above you tell us that they are pleased to see each other when just having them hug is enough of a visual clue to tell us that already.

Code FIZZ This shit’s wicked, whoever owns it is going to be really be pissed off, they are going to come looking for it for sure. TONY I hope they do, it’s been a while since I had a good rumble. I miss the army sometimes.

I find that difficult to believe from a prison guard. 20 kilo's of cocaine, depending on purity, is worth around £500k wholesale, that's obviously at 25k per key. People coming for that kind of money are usually more than about just having a rumble. It's more bullet in the brain type stuff.

Code TONY Yeah, I know a guy inside who runs a big part of Scotland from his cell. I’ll take a bit in tomorrow and see what he says.

I hadn't imagined this guy to be stupid up until now. A prison guard with army experience is going to inform one of the biggest gangsters in Scotland about a 20 kilo cocaine haul that is probably his.

Code EXT THE ROCKS NEXT DAY Fizz puffs on a joint. Tony walks up to him, punches him square in the face. Fizz falls to the ground holding his chin. FIZZ What the fuck? Fizz looks like he’s in shock, he can’t believe what’s just happened. TONY Thanks to you I've been suspended from my work. Some fucking grass saw me handing over coke and stuck me in. FIZZ Well it wasn’t fuckin me, chill your beans man. What’s going to happen to you? TONY Fuck knows, they searched me and never found anything but even If I do get my job back, I’ll be getting be watched, so as soon as we get rid of this I'm offski. FIZZ Did you see that guy? What did he say? TONY Yeah, its all set up for later today, give Rab a call. Fizz gets out his phone. Hits a saved number. FIZZ Rab?

Is this actually a comedy? Bit too slapstick for me.

Code Richard walks closer to Fizz and puts the gun to his head. FIZZ Your drugs? As Richard goes to pull the trigger, Tony comes up from behind and puts a knife to his throat. Richard drops the gun and Fizz quickly picks it up then pulls out a coin and looks at Richard. FIZZ (CONT’D) Heads or tails big man? Richard thinks. Tension building.

Yeah... this is really bad. If you're older than sixteen, then you do really need screenwriter assistance. Stick to what you're good at. Leave story making to the writers. I'm not even interested in the ending.

I'm glad you liked it so much Dustin. But dont hold nack the next time haha.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm glad you liked it so much Dustin. But dont hold nack the next time haha.

It's not that bad. It's just not good either. Which is what you want if you're going to film it. I've been much harder on you than anyone else with far more problems with their work.

I have to admit I get really annoyed when I see a lot of these indie productions written and directed by the same person. I don't care how good one is at either, if you've written a film you shouldn't direct it.

I watched a film called An Interview with a Hitman last night, starring Luke Goss. Pretty good film, aside from the fact that each scene lasted longer than it needed to, and it was more a collection of scenes rather than an actual story. I imagine that it's hard for a director to be unbiased about his own writing.

Writing is a special skill. Just like working a camera, directing or producing is a special skill. Some people just pick up a camera, a football or a paintbrush and they are naturally inclined to do things with it that nobody has ever achieved before. Even if you can do both, it isn't wise to do so on the same film, IMO.

Film-making is about working in a team. Utilise people for their skills. At the lower levels it all comes free anyway.

There's plenty or writers that direct their own films, quentin Tarintino for one so it's not a bad thing in my eyes. I thought this was meant to be a positive place for people to help each other. I am a new writer so I can only get better. Your politics on the film making process are yours and mine is mine. There is no wright and wrong so open your mind and dont try to close mine.

It does seem like people are willing to help you... are you ready and willing to take their advice?

The script is bad. If you're happy to ask how and where it doesn't work, and how you can improve it, you'll get people on your side - but you have to be able to accept the short-comings in your work - which frankly are many.

Some of this dialogue is brilliant and some of it reads too OTN.

Overall?  Not for me.  

Hello again 007, yes I am willing to take peoples advice as long as it's constructive and helps me get the script to where it needs to be, so get your 'goldfinger ' typing and I'll take onboard what you say.

Hi Levy, could you tell me what parts of the dialogue work and what parts are OTN so I can try and fix them?

Quoted from AtholForsyth There's plenty or writers that direct their own films, quentin Tarintino for one so it's not a bad thing in my eyes. I thought this was meant to be a positive place for people to help each other. I am a new writer so I can only get better. Your politics on the film making process are yours and mine is mine. There is no wright and wrong so open your mind and dont try to close mine.

Even Tarantino is guilty of drawing things out for too long. Which is a tendency I've seen with many writer/directors. It's something I look for at the end credits whenever I feel a film has milked certain scenes too much. You have to be able to look at your work from a different perspective, unfortunately that invariably means another person has to be involved somewhere.

There is plenty of right and wrong. There really is. It is your mind that is closed to that possibility.

I've told you the truth, which is more help than any liar will give you. You want me to sugarcoat things and I'm not like that. People hate me for it, you're not the first. You know what the most recorded deathbed regret is?

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was recorded by a nurse that spent many years caring for people in the final few months of their lives.

I'm not going to bullshit you. You're old enough to know better. You're either writing completely out of your depth with this short or you're not a very good writer. You either know how and what people will say or you don't. You haven't got it. I've seen 16-year-olds write better. Indeed there are a couple at this site.

Here's a lesson I had as a kid that I have to credit to the old man after he read some tripe I'd just written. I was around 9. I'd written some story about a guy that went shoplifting a tin of beans (or something), and it all went wrong in the store. He threw a tin of something and it split the cashier's head open. I can't remember exactly what happened after that but the old man wasn't happy. It was crap. I was writing out of my depth.

Stick to what you know... or you will look like a bad writer, even if you're not.

So, I moved into writing fantasy and everything went a lot better from there. With fantasy and sci-fi... you make the rules.

So what if there is 16 year olds that can write better than me, I'm not ageist,   hats off to them. you seem to be getting really personal so on that note I went to your page to find a heading ' General Shizzle' Are you from Compton? Tell Ice Cube I'm asking for him, it's been a while since I've seen him. "fo' shizzle mah nizzle"

Meh…with all due respect to Si and Dustin, who I think both make some excellent points, I'd ignore the nay-saying and just go ahead and film this and screw it up. It's your first short and you're gonna screw it up no matter what -- may as well screw it up doing exactly what you want to do with it.

(I say that you're going to "screw it up" with confidence only because I've never met or heard of anyone who made exactly the film they wanted to with their first effort. I don't mean it'll be a total disaster, I just mean you're not going to get exactly what you want anyway, so you might as well at least aim to do so).

Personally, I'd cut the first seven pages and start the story with Tony punching whatshisname in the face after losing his job. Start with a bang and some conflict, then drop in the exposition in a way that perks us up -- at first we think they're drug dealers that know what they're doing, then we start to realize they're amateurs, then we realize they just found the drugs in the ocean -- I think that would be more engaging, personally.

Not my kinda story here but there are some fun little moments and I think it's a great choice for a first project -- lots of opportunity to stretch yourself and try out some different things.

Thanks Heretic , that's the way I see it ,  Rome wasn't built in a day and the actors that have agreed to be in it are also amateurs so it will be a learning curve for us all. They will get something to add to their showreel and I'll get some experience .......We all win

Dustin,  I looked back at feedback that you had left others and found this below.
So it's okay for you to write, shoot, edit and direct but you tell me to stick to what I know. What a hypocrite. Pot ,  kettle?


DustinBowcott Posted: November 11th, 2013, 3:13pm  

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1.93 I tried filming my own very simple short and I was useless. I need a real cameraman. I can't manual focus or anything, and I was using my kids... it was a real learning experience. I struggled with the most basic of scripts. Just a bullying thing... I had four free actors and I could fit them all in the car, yeah I had to buy ice cream. The shoot actually got ruined by some rude parents showing up thinking they can use the public park too.

I'd like to do it again though. I've got some video editing software. I use Ubuntu so it's Open Shot I've got. To be honest though, using the camera really isn't my thing. I need to team up with someone that can do that. I don't even want to learn it. But I would definitely like to produce one day. I need to learn the ropes first.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I have to admit I get really annoyed when I see a lot of these indie productions written and directed by the same person. I don't care how good one is at either, if you've written a film you shouldn't direct it. I watched a film called An Interview with a Hitman last night, starring Luke Goss. Pretty good film, aside from the fact that each scene lasted longer than it needed to, and it was more a collection of scenes rather than an actual story. I imagine that it's hard for a director to be unbiased about his own writing. Writing is a special skill. Just like working a camera, directing or producing is a special skill. Some people just pick up a camera, a football or a paintbrush and they are naturally inclined to do things with it that nobody has ever achieved before. Even if you can do both, it isn't wise to do so on the same film, IMO. Film-making is about working in a team. Utilise people for their skills. At the lower levels it all comes free anyway.

I have to politely disagree with you here, Dustin. The reason being that of my top 10 favourite films of all time, six were written and directed by the same person (with three being cowritten by the director and another writer, and one being written by someone completely different).

Now, as you have previously identified, doing both jobs can make things difficult, as it is harder to see things from an unbiased perspective. Which is why there would be problems if it really was a one man team (a la Shane Carruth), where the writer/director is involved (more or less individually) in every aspect of the production, including production and finance. However, as this is rarely the case, there are numerous other creative individuals who provide input at numerous stages during the writing and then direction of the film, whether these are story analysts, script supervisors, producers, DoPs, editors, etc.

So if someone is talented as both a writer and a director, and there is outside help which will ensure that unbiased feedback will be provided, why shouldn't someone do both roles? Or do you really believe that it is not possible for someone to be talented in more than one aspect of filmmaking? What about in music? If someone can write their own lyrics as well as sing them, would you not expect them to do so, instead of hiring someone else to write the material for them?

The writer's role is to tell a story, which is then passed onto the director, whose role it is to tell the story which the writer has written, but this time on the screen. To be able to do this effectively, the director needs to have an in-depth understanding of the story which has been written. They need to know the characters inside out, know what makes them tick, why they choose the actions that they choose, if they are going to be able to draw great performances from the actors portraying them. They need to understand the themes, the motifs, the tone of the story. And who has this level of detailed understanding of the script? Well the person who has written it. Of course an outside director can be brought in, study the script and identify all of this, but I can see no way that they will be able to develop an understanding as great as the person who initially wrote the script. Sure, they may be able to develop something similar, but if I had to choose, I would always feel safer choosing the writer over the director in terms of script understanding.

And this is why I feel that if someone is talented in both areas, they are always the best person to direct the story which they have written.

Now, I am not saying that everyone who writes their own material should direct it, or everyone who directs should write their own material. Really, I'm not. Because there are writer/directors whose films I have felt would have benefited from passing one of these duties to someone else (the best example of this would be Nicolas Winding-Refn; superb director, subpar writer. Another great example would be Judd Apatow, whose self directed films contain scenes which, as identified by you, go on for far too long). But for every Winding-Refn or Judd Apatow, you have Park Chan-wook (whose weakest film, IMO, is the only film which he didn't write), you have the Coen brothers, you have QT, you have Kubrick, Steve McQueen, Wes Anderson, Alexander Payne, Joachim Trier, Martin McDonagh, Kim Jee-woon, etc.

To state that nobody should handle both aspects of filmmaking - even if they are talented in both areas - is, quite simply, irrationally preposterous. If they are equally talented in both areas, why shouldn't they do both?

And understand that I'm not trying to attack you, Dustin. Nor am I trying to get in an argument; I just merely wanted to voice my opinions on the subject.

Toby, not sure why you'd need to tell me you're not attacking me at the end of the post. I can determine that well enough for myself from what you've written. You can say what you like afterwards, that doesn't change what is. Not that I am saying you are attacking me. I'm just pointing out that it isn't necessary to point that out.

You seem to have missed two small, but important, parts from my post. The words 'indie' and 'a lot'. The rest of my post should be taken within that context.

I've seen plenty of Hollywood productions where it's a writer/director and I've been impressed with the handling. Obviously they can afford all the script advice they need and there are enough objective minds around to ensure that the job is done properly. I still think Tarantino could benefit more from listening to others though... but that's just what I think, obviously the Oscars say different... or do they?

Quoted from AtholForsyth Dustin,  I looked back at feedback that you had left others and found this below. So it's okay for you to write, shoot, edit and direct but you tell me to stick to what I know. What a hypocrite. Pot ,  kettle?

What are you talking about?

I'm just going to produce and write. I'm not going to direct, nor do the camerawork, nor the sound, nor the music, nor the editing. I'm going to leave those to people with the skills to do the job.

I tried on my own and I couldn't do it.

But you tried it,  that's my point. What makes you any different from me?
Fair enough my script needs work but I've been a photographer for 25 years , I understand lighting,  D.O.F, white balance, camera angles , focal lengths and I'm not trying to make a blockbuster, just a short that I can learn from. Plus I'm not trying to do everything on my own, I have a second shooter and someone to take care of sound, also a couple of people to help on set.

I tried it to get a feel for it. That is all. I wanted to experience how hard it was, and that is what happened. I'm no good with a camera. I could probably learn, but it doesn't feel natural to me and I'll never be as good as a guy that loves the camera. He'll do things and know things that will take me years to learn. I haven't got the patience for that. I haven't got the patience to fall in love with the camera. I'm already in love with writing.

I know when to leave things to people that are better qualified. I want the best product possible. If you want the best product possible then you'd do the same.

You're missing the point, you did try for yourself, that's what I want to do. I have till the sprig to get the script in order and if it doesn't work at least I gave it my best shot.

You're missing the point. I wrote a couple pages of script for my kids to act out. It was not a serious attempt. The serious attempt is coming next year and as part of a team. Like I said, I just wanted to get a feel for it.

When I said 16-year-olds write better, I'm talking about 16-year-old writers. Real writers that have been doing it for years already.

Doubtless if shot any bit of film you would look at it and assume that perhaps a twelve-year-old had done it. I draw like a 9-year-old.

I wasn't insulting you. Just pointing out a fact. There are a lot of writers here that come for free. Why not utilise that talent? You could maybe even run a small competition based on a theme of your choosing and pick the best one.

Well the theme is the one I have chosen as I know the Location is awesome and I have arranged a boat for the shoot, also  I've been there doing test shots. The actors  also fit the bill. But if anyone wants to rewrite it  then fair play. I'm not saying that I will use it but if it's better than mine and it works logistically then I it would be interested. Locations below.

http://www.itraveluk.co.uk/photos/showphoto/photo/3229.php

http://www.geograph.org.uk/photo/624539

When I read this logline it reminded me of something that happened in my youth! My daddy was a shrimper...and they happened to catch two bales of marijuana...well, no big deal right? Right...until my mother got home and Daddy and his brother, Jimmy, were attempting to dry it in the dryer! Our clothes dryer!!! So my Mom freaks out and forces them to call and turn it in. It was crazy times.

Quoted from Toby_E Because there are writer/directors whose films I have felt would have benefited from passing one of these duties to someone else (the best example of this would be Nicolas Winding-Refn; superb director, subpar writer. Another great example would be Judd Apatow, whose self directed films contain scenes which, as identified by you, go on for far too long). But for every Winding-Refn or Judd Apatow, you have Park Chan-wook (whose weakest film, IMO, is the only film which he didn't write), you have the Coen brothers, you have QT, you have Kubrick, Steve McQueen, Wes Anderson, Alexander Payne, Joachim Trier, Martin McDonagh, Kim Jee-woon, etc.

Someone mentioned that Tarantino is a drag with his scenes.  That might be true... but he can milk it for all it's worth because he has something else going on during that scene besides people just talking.  There's always suspense, a sense of dread, a cloud of doom hovering right over the scene.  Take the opening of Inglorious Basterds, the 20 minute car chase in Death Proof, etc.  It's never just about talking heads.  There's always something else going on... and we're just waiting for something bad to happen.  It's edge of your seat writing... that's my opinion, anyway.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Hi Levy, could you tell me what parts of the dialogue work and what parts are OTN so I can try and fix them?

Dialogue that had me rolling:

Quoted Text FIZZ Fuck me, is it coke? RAB I think so, had a snort last night and was shagging the wife for hours, she must have thought I was someone else.

Quoted Text RAB I know it’s a gamble but I thought you were a gambling man. Where's your fucking balls? FIZZ Usually on your wife’s chin.

OTN dialogue:

Quoted Text FIZZ (CONT’D) I’ll see Tony, he knows a lot of dodgy fuckers, he might know where to shift it. RAB He’s a bit of a loose cannon, are you sure?

Hahahahaha Pale Yellow, that's a classic, I love it

Levi, is this any better?


FIZZ
I’ll see Tony, he knows a lot of dodgy f*****s.
RAB
He’s a f****n nutcase.
FIZZ
Have you got any better ideas Einstein?

Quoted from AtholForsyth Levi, is this any better? FIZZ I’ll see Tony, he knows a lot of dodgy f*****s. RAB He’s a f****n nutcase. FIZZ Have you got any better ideas Einstein?

Well, how about instead of telling us he's a fuckin' nutcase -- you SHOW us.

Also, the Einstein quip is kinda old.

Here's an excerpt from Kingpin, that I thought was different and funny:

Quoted Text Roy: Just because you're familiar with the missionary position doesn't make you a missionary. Claudia: Look, Mr. Munster, you're not exactly the smartest guy I ever ran across. Roy: Oh yeah? And who are you, Alfred Einstein?

Roy (Woody Harrelson) is trying to act smart like he knows everything, but comes across as a complete dumbass because he doesn't even know Einstein's real name.  He thinks he's smart, but he's really full of shit.  Great dialogue and it shows his character.  Roy Munson is pretty well written, IMO.

Well Dustin , I just came second in the Zoetrope monthly short script. That's not bad for my first script, so for you to tell me to stick to what I know and leave it to the writers is just plain out of order.

You need to be more positive with people and stop trying to knock people down before they even get started.

I know my scripts not great but for a first I'm doing okay. If everyone was like you then nobody would get anywhere unless they were elite. Thanks for nothing.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Well Dustin , I just came second in the Zoetrope monthly short script. That's not bad for my first script, so for you to tell me to stick to what I know and leave it to the writers is just plain out of order. You need to be more positive with people and stop trying to knock people down before they even get started. I know my scripts not great but for a first I'm doing okay. If everyone was like you then nobody would get anywhere unless they were elite. Thanks for nothing.

I didn't know zoetrope did a short competition. Well done. What did you win?

Nothing, they tally up the scores given by people who have read it and the 3 that get the highest marks in 5 different categorys overall go on the site as best 3 of the month.

Quoted from AtholForsyth Nothing, they tally up the scores given by people who have read it and the 3 that get the highest marks in 5 different categorys overall go on the site as best 3 of the month.

Well their standards can't be very high. Do you have a link to this competition?

High or not, it's still a result for a first, maybe you should enter it and see if your as good as what you think you are.

http://www.zoetrope.com/members/sub/index.cgi?section_id=12&show_page=home

Quoted from AtholForsyth High or not, it's still a result for a first, maybe you should enter it and see if your as good as what you think you are. http://www.zoetrope.com/members/sub/index.cgi?section_id=12&show_page=home

That's 'you're', as in you are. It's mistakes like that littered throughout your script, basic errors in grammar, that partly gives rise to my doubt in you as a writer. Your unbelievable character in the prison guard... would have been better to make him a low-life smack head with slim connections to the underworld to better explain the utter stupidity... also took me out of the story and put me in mind of something I may have written at 16.

I looked through that site yesterday but can't find a monthly short script competition anywhere. I can find a short story competition where there are prizes... so it isn't that. I can find a screenplay competition where there are also prizes, so it isn't that.

Maybe I need to join up to see it. I'm left wondering though why such a thing isn't publicised and easily searchable in google.

I've never entered a competition.... and I certainly wouldn't enter one where there wasn't anything to gain from doing so.

I write shorts mostly in a day and for fun. The one short I have being produced actually took seven drafts to get right though, but it is apparently being produced... actually as part of a student's master degree in film production. I've also got two free options out there for two features I have written. Fingers crossed for the funding on those. I have a meeting on Monday regarding one of them with the Producer, Director and Production Manager to finalise things like budget and main actors believed to fit the bill.

I'm not sure that I need to enter a competition, but if I did I would ensure that there was something to be gained from it.

http://www.zoetrope.com/members/sub/index.cgi?section_id=12&show_page=home

Link to the comp above again.

I know a prison gaurd and he told me the ways people get stuff in. Guards taking in drugs is rare but it does happen.

I think the reason you wouldn't enter a comp is maybe it would hit home that you're not as good as you think you are in your own little world .

I'm surprised people even talk to you here, you truly are a self centered delusional
idiot.

Quoted from AtholForsyth http://www.zoetrope.com/members/sub/index.cgi?section_id=12&show_page=home Link to the comp above again. I know a prison gaurd and he told me the ways people get stuff in. Guards taking in drugs is rare but it does happen.

I notice that in your link there is a /members/ folder. I am not a member, so you linking me to something only viewable by members is a little pointless. Indeed, the whole exercise seems pretty pointless if they're not going to publicise the competition nor the winners of previous ones, that I can find.

You also mean, 'guard'... and I've met hundreds of them. I don't remember you writing anything about getting things into a jail, although I doubt there is anything new you could tell me there. My issue with your prison guard is that he would have known better than to believe half a million (wholesale) quid's worth of coke would lead to little more than a rumble. Yes, that behaviour can be loosely attributed to the coke, but at the same time, that reaction would still better suit an 18-year-old having their first hit.

The second thing that put me off about your guard was that he assumed it would be just fine to take that half a million quid's worth of coke to one of the biggest gangsters in Scotland to sell it. Did he imagine the coke had floated in from distant shores and belonged to gangsters too far away to care?

Then I got to your action scene, which was extremely poor work and contained a cheesy line... and I was out. Couple that with the bad grammar, and I don't see anything special here. I imagine there were only 5 voters that day - family members.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I think the reason you wouldn't enter a comp is maybe it would hit home that you're not as good as you think you are in your own little world .

Yet another terrible sentence that appears to have been written by a 16-year-old. You could reword that to have so much more impact. That's what writers do. As it stands, you're coming across as a whinging ninny.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm surprised people even talk to you here, you truly are a self centered delusional idiot.

That's, 'self-centred'.

I give credit where it is due. That I don't rate you as a writer does not make me self-centred nor delusional. However, that you believe coming second in a competition, the holders almost seem ashamed about, is a true representation of the general consensus on your work, is.

I'm guessing that you've been knocked out a few times? I can tell you, if we were talking face to face you'd be knocked out right now  you fuckin cheeky little prick, keep it going big man and you'll find out.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I'm guessing that you've been knocked out a few times? I can tell you, if we were talking face to face you'd be knocked out right now  you fuckin cheeky little prick, keep it going big man and you'll find out.

LOL.

Well I've never actually been knocked out. Been dazed a few times. Caught a nasty headbutt one time after a guy asked me the time. Butted me and ran. Oh yeah, almost got hit over the head with an ashtray one time. I got hit with a bottle once and took a beating off a few guys... which did concuss me, but didn't knock me out. I got battered by a group of blacks twice, trying to rob me and I didn't want to give. The first time I got put in hospital as I was hit over the head with a  wrench. The second time was just cracked ribs.

I've been involved in a lot more than that though... that's just off the top of my head.

I'll say what I always say to muppets like you. If you've got it, you don't talk about it. Just makes you look like an idiot. Do... don't talk.

Hey, hey, simmer down over here.

Athol:  I will admit that "cheeky prick" made me smile -- you guys from over the pond just crack me up -- but name-calling and insinuations of violence are frowned upon on this forum.

Dustin:  Where you might have crossed the line is taking the piss out of his contest.  (Did I use that phrase right?)  There is no reason for that, and it is just kind of mean-sprited.  I don't much like Zoetrope myself, but many fine writers do.

It sounds no different than our own one-week challenges, and people are rightly pleased when they do well on those, even in the absence of any real "prizes".

It is just an internet forum, folks.  Don't let words on a computer screen drive you to distraction.

And congratulations on your win.

Yeah, you used it right. First time I said that to an American he didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

I suppose I deserve Athol's ire. Water off a duck's back. I'm not going to complain.

I was wrong about one thing though, I suppose he is a real writer. Only a real writer could take being told they are not a writer and bounce back from it. So I do wish him luck in improving. I don't think his work is ready for filming yet though, not if he wants to make a serious go of it.

Thanks Bert

Now go read some of Bert's scripts and learn a thing or two, MUTHAFUCKA

Well, without having read Athol's work (welcome to the board BTW Athol!)  ...

...I can still second Levy's endorsement of Bert's work.  *Especially* a certain little short called "Someplace Nice and Dark."

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Someplace_Nice_and_Dark.pdf

I read it, poor fuckin Pinto, amd he never even got paid for the groceries lol, I enjoyed it and I'll check out some of Bert's other shorts starting with Mighty Fire,

One thing tho, I noticed that Bert started a couple of sentences with 'And' and 'But' is that cool?

And Levi who you callin a MUTHAFUCKA hahaha

Quoted from AtholForsyth I read it, poor fuckin Pinto, amd he never even got paid for the groceries lol, I enjoyed it and I'll check out some of Bert's other shorts starting with Mighty Fire, One thing tho, I noticed that Bert started a couple of sentences with 'And' and 'But' is that cool? And Levi who you callin a MUTHAFUCKA hahaha

Yes in prose it is fine... but only if used for dramatic effect. It's still OK if not, just bad form.

Quoted from AtholForsyth I read it, poor fuckin Pinto, amd he never even got paid for the groceries lol, I enjoyed it and I'll check out some of Bert's other shorts starting with Mighty Fire

I just checked back in and noticed this little discussion.  Thanks guys -- that was not necessary, but appreciated nevertheless.

If you do check out Mighty Fire, be sure to drop some comments on the thread -- folks around here are far more likely to check out your own work when they see you paying it forward on the works of others.

Quoted from AtholForsyth One thing tho, I noticed that Bert started a couple of sentences with 'And' and 'But' is that cool?

Yeah, like Dustin said, I do make attempts at "dramatic effect" -- the extent of my success, however, is totally open for debate...

And welcome to the boards, of course.  I would say that you should not let your initial dust-up turn you off to the place until you've had an honest look around.

Hey Athol, I watched around the shorts and found another script of yours, cause the script we discussed already is real good. Was interested what you brought up here. Sorry to say, but here, you really got to go back to the desk. That's not a shame, not at all; having a script as ready as the one I read before of you, that's an exception at screenplays IMO.
There are several points mentioned before which I would agree to.

I saw in the first pages already that there are problems with scene editing, timing and interaction. I give you an example: Fizz meets Rab at the boat. They are talking a lot and Rab finally says

RAB
You’re not going to believe this. I
was pulling in my gear a couple of
nights ago and look what came up.

What is Rab doing before he Shows up the cocaine? There talking much- are they just standing in front of each other all time?
In that way many parts feel pray tell, for the story moving on.

It's not flowing, I mean precise flowing. Another example to explain that impression, (I stay on p1):
Fizz walks down a hill with ear on the phone. He speaks to Rab by already seeing him. But there must be still a little distance between them. So when he walks that, let me guess, 20 meters, that's maybe up to 20 seconds. I got no problem with slow pace storys, as many others do, the opposite is the fact, I like such scripts, it just has to be organic as a whole then.

So, I see here a work in progress.
I would give you the suggestion of telling more visual. I like this fisherman village flair. So, maybe you show Rab how he finds the cocaine. You start and stop a few times with smoking a joint or "let' go drinking a beer". No problem, it's a drug-taking guys story- there's a lot of room to go into the scenes later and out earlier.

Don't get me wrong, there are good aspects here, but it feels mixed-up yet. If you screw all these things up and improve them, things can get together for sure and leave the impact you want to transport.

I hear you man and I know it's needing work , it's the first thing I ever wrote.
I'll go back to it sometime and try and fix it when I have fresh eyes, as when I look at something too long it all becomes fuzzy.

Thank's for your thought tho, they are always positive,  That's what it's all about man, and Good Morning from Scotland my friend

Yes, thank you and Good Morning back to you.

As first Play there's nothing to grumble. The opposite. Your voice and pictures already coming through. You differ from writers who treat their scripts safe and try to just swim in the pool. Hope you keep on bringing ambitious stuff out and try to impress people.

Hey Mosby, do you have anything on here for me to read?

Hi Athol, don't know if you recognized my pm. Just want to remind you...