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Fashion Statement (currently 3718 views) |
Don |
Posted: February 21st, 2014, 9:21pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Fashion Statement by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A trio of friends sit in what appears to be a tattoo studio & try to decide what they should get. But it's not tattoos on the menu here. 6 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - March 13th, 2017, 10:17am | | |
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Forgive |
Posted: February 22nd, 2014, 8:34pm |
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Old Timer Let The Sky Fall
LocationVarious, exotic. Posts1373 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
I'm not too sure if you're on the boards, but I had to read your fisrt sentence three time - do you mean a McDonalds' burger or a Mac computer? If you are around, this needs re-working. |
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Reply: 1 - 25 |
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Mattlj25 |
Posted: February 23rd, 2014, 12:07am |
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New Picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
LocationThe writhing south. Posts23 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Well that was.. Interesting. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 15th, 2014, 6:10pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Sorry for the tardy response - didn't realise the script had gone live, will be more vigilant in future. Mac seemed obvious to me given there's no A in McD etc but will amend to Mac Pro to make it clearer. Matt - as an eternal optimist I'm gonna take 'Interesting' in a positive way Thanks Anthony |
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Reply: 3 - 25 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 16th, 2014, 2:38am |
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I liked it. Good story. Flow is jittery on the first page. I got instantly what was meant by the screen of a Mac.
This needs cleaning up for flow on the first page... make those action lines roll off the tongue. Don't get too tied up in describing them, dressed as a punk would suffice over all of that description. Use it to tell us something about them... the type of punk they are doesn't matter. Leave that to make-up and costume to figure out.
That may also be what is disturbing your flow on the first page. Your dialogue is good and natural, which is one of the more important aspects of writing a screenplay.
Nice work mate... something different. |
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Reply: 4 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 16th, 2014, 5:07am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Thanks Dustin, really appreciated, will have another look at flow at the start.
Glad you liked.
Anthony |
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Reply: 5 - 25 |
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Demento |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 12:26pm |
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Been Around
Posts946 Posts Per Day 0.25 |
This was good.
In the first page you know there's a twist coming. You can kind of guess what the direction is going to be, but it still works.
I like the last line, I think that's what makes it work. |
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Reply: 6 - 25 |
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Reel-truth |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 1:00pm |
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New
LocationBrooklyn, NY Posts90 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I want to to say I liked it, but I dont know what the hell I just read. Somebody put a spoiler space down below. I read it twice and im still like...wtf.
I usually can stretch my imgination a bit when following a story. But if it's what I think it is, I just dont follow the suspension of disbelief . Maybe it's just my own taste
Yea the first page is a little choppy man. The dialogue fortuntaly helps throughout the script.
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Reply: 7 - 25 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 1:36pm |
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It's satirising the way youths today choose to mutilate themselves for the sake of fashion or belonging to a clique, even because they genuinely believe it looks cool. It takes a mere leap of the imagination to visualise the youth of the future getting into mutilation as a form of expression. Indeed, if we were to scour the deep web we would doubtless be able to find something along those lines already exists... somewhere. |
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Reply: 8 - 25 |
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B |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 1:42pm |
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New
Posts23 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Are they all girls? Did I Miss a line somewhere. I'm lost.
In the dialog there's, what seems to be, a bunch of commas missing.
I struggled reading it.
-B |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 2:20pm |
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I don't get it at all...maybe I'm too old to get the humor? Is it supposed to be funny?
Issues by not giving your characters ages. CONTINUED's on top and bottom of every page need to go. Dialogue, to me, at least, is far from good. If peeps actually talk like this, I sure haven't heard it.
Doesn't work for me at all, but again, I highly doubt I'm the intended audience. |
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Reply: 10 - 25 |
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B |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 4:48pm |
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New
Posts23 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Quoted from Dreamscale Dialogue, to me, at least, is far from good. |
Ok it's not just me. The others said it was good. Being new, I just thought I was wrong or something. It all just seems fake. It feels as if there reading a script that right in front of them. Weird to say but it doesn't feel natural. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 18th, 2014, 7:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Well I guess it's good to stimulate debate Dustin - thanks again! So... yes it is satirising youth and fashion, check out some of the current body modification trends and we're almost there! I have no idea why people do it, but doesn't stop my imagination taking a very short leap... or filmakers filming it hopefully! There are two girls and one boy, Ben is the boy and is reffered to in the script as He a couple of time - but I thought the name was enough... I didn't go for specific ages because 'show don't tell' and I think the script suggests a youth age range. Dialogue and missing commas, have had a quick re-read and can't spot many - though on reflection there are way too many ellipses! Humour (or humor if we must) - yes intent is dark comedy, sorry it fell short for some. Dialogue, well I'm from the UK so youth lingo is probably different, but hey a couple of reviewers rate the dialogue and a couple don't, always good to get opinions. Continued on top and bottom of pages... CeltX default setting, subsequently switched off. 'Feels as if there reading a script' do you mean they're reading a script or that there is a script there? Whichever you meant then I'm not sure I understand - wouldn't that only be obvious when filmed and the actors speak? Anyway this is my most commented upon script to date - so using The Blacklist theory that polarising opinions are interesting too... then it's all great and useful. Thanks all |
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Reply: 12 - 25 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 19th, 2014, 2:29am |
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I did notice a couple of typo's... but there aren't a bunch of commas missing. Certainly not enough to warrant mentioning them. It is better to give an age range, but as you said in this case the subject matter calls for young actors, and anyone reading it will realise that. Of course, the odd person will get so confused that they won't be able to read any longer, but instances of that should be rare. The average IQ is 105, so anyone above that should be fine. However... in future, put an age in brackets. I like to use, JOHN DOE (30s), ... Also, look through for typo's. I noticed a too when it should have been two.
Code GWEN
Oh I don’t know yet... why don’t
you too look and work out yours
first. |
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There are more that I've forgotten about. I could see this one getting picked up by some student film makers that scour these threads from time to time looking for their next project. Cleaning up the things that have been mentioned will help your script look more professional, but won't do a thing for the story itself, which is sound, IMO. |
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Reply: 13 - 25 |
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TonyDionisio |
Posted: March 19th, 2014, 3:34am |
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Been Around Damnit, get to the point!
LocationTennessee Posts768 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Hi Anthony,
I agree with a previous poster about dialog issues - if I read the first half out loud it seems awkward. Second half improves. I would like to see a more visual tie in between the dialog and images of carnage. Make the reader feel badly about someone's suffering when these knucle heads are rejoicing.
Gl with the script,
Tony. |
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Reply: 14 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 19th, 2014, 2:43pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Thanks again Dustin, Tony - much appreciated, job for the weekend = polish Fashion Statement.
Really appreciate the feedbck from all.
Cheers
Anthony |
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Reply: 15 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 2:14am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Fashion Statement has been optioned by a Director in India.
Thanks to all for feedback on the script.
Anthony |
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Reply: 16 - 25 |
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RichardR |
Posted: March 12th, 2015, 10:42am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Anthony,
Wear all comments with a hint of haughty disdain.
The idea pushes the envelope on fashion statements. I'm guessing that if you're willing to fill your butt with silicone, then sporting a wound can't be far behind.
The dialogue was a bit off-putting in the beginning. I attributed it to my lack of slang knowledge. The second half seemed easier.
While I know you're trying to save the reveal for the end, you might experiment with opening up sooner and pushing the competiton between these three, or perhaps show a post-op person. A post-op clerk with a fashion bite might be just what these three need. And you can add something about cost. What can they afford? Mutilation on this scale seems improbable, but if you add a poster or two of some singer with a hunk out of his thigh...well, it might work.
Best Richard |
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Reply: 17 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 3:06am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Hi Richard, thanks for the read, appreciated as always.
I think we're not too far away from this being a reality given what body modders are doing to themselves already.
Dialogue is probably me, not your slang knowledge, this was one of my earliest shorts so still learning (still am).
I quite like the idea you suggest but current version was more about how far will people go in pursuit of trends and what is perceived as body improvement.
Of course now it's with a director in India it'll no doubt change a bit.
Cheers
Anthony |
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TonyDionisio |
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 11:55am |
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Been Around Damnit, get to the point!
LocationTennessee Posts768 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Ant, grats on the deal and gl.
Tony |
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Reply: 19 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 1:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Thanks Tony, appreciated. |
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Lightfoot |
Posted: March 13th, 2015, 2:52pm |
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LocationLondon, Ontario Posts379 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Quoted Text Fashion Statement has been optioned by a Director in India |
congrats on getting it optioned! |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 15th, 2015, 10:27am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Thanks Lightfoot, appreciated. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 6:09am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Fashion Statement has been re-optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer. |
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HyperMatt |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 2:18pm |
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New
LocationLondon, UK Posts440 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Congrats,
Hopefully some of these will get made. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 2:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Thanks Matt
Fingers crossed! |
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