There be dragons...I mean spoilers ahead!

Hi Eric,

This was very well written and you handled a sensitive subject extremely realistically and well. It flowed smoothly and naturally. There's some great use of sub-text here, like the way we discover Ned doesn't know what the road trip was about but kinda has his suspicions.

I'm going to put my practical head on here though and ask would an audience be willing to sit through 16 minutes of this? We have a couple of parents driving their daughter to have an abortion then driving home and talking about normal every day stuff. There's 5-6 minutes where the audience would have no clue what the story is about (unless they read the logline and put 2 and 2 together) and that's a long time to keep the modern audience engaged. The tend to flick off if they get bored after a minute tops!

There's nothing wrong with the script, or the story at all. I just wasn't enthralled.  It wasn't so much I couldn't wait to find out what happened next, more of I hope something really interesting and engaging happens.

This did briefly happen (for me anyway) when they were in the examination room. There was tension there, drama. I felt that sparkle of real interest, especially when she wanted to ask a question but then I don't think we ever found out what the question or the answer was; which was disappointing.

I sussed out what was in the book and why it was so important so the rest of the script was just filler material for me.

But really well written. This would be a great short to shoot for any budding director and actors looking for something meaty to practice with.

Keep on writing, you've got talent!

Mark

Quoted from MarkRenshaw especially when she wanted to ask a question but then I don't think we ever found out what the question or the answer was; which was disappointing.

- Sorry to hijack the thread and answer a question directed at the author but you do find out what her question was. She requested a copy of the sonogram photo to take home with her. She had left it in the book which is why she freaked out when realising she'd forgotten it.

I'll butt back out now...

Quoted from Colkurtz8 - Sorry to hijack the thread and answer a question directed at the author but you do find out what her question was. She requested a copy of the sonogram photo to take home with her. She had left it in the book which is why she freaked out when realising she'd forgotten it. I'll butt back out now...

Ah so that was the question? Sorry, I didn't work that out. I'm an ejit.

Hey guys. Sorry for the delayed response. Between the 7WC and what will have to pass for my “vacation”, I hadn’t even noticed this was bumped for awhile.


Hey Anthony, thanks for the read and comments.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood There's also a great economy with the dialogue, feels very real.

I’m glad you liked it. On the dialogue, I did a lot of rewording of things in my head. It’s hard to get characters to talk in a way that maintains mystery, but still feels real and like they know what they’re discussing.


Hey, Col. Thanks for the read and the extensive notes.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I liked these descriptions although “accustom” is missing and “ed” at the end.

Whoops. Sounded right in my head  

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Why would the other car honk at him? Hank just indicated (turn signal) and passed him out, nothing illegal about that. If anything, Hank should’ve beeped him for leaving his indicator on for six minutes prior.

I was trying to think the kind of mundane annoyances that might occur during a road trip. Idiot drivers was one of them and this one a variation of something that happened to me recently. Basically the guy in front of me was going 30 in a 40 and when I went to legally pass him he honked at me then blinded me with his high beams.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I know it was mentioned earlier that Wendy and Carrie were going to take the bus but now that they are waiting at the bus stop I can’t help wondering why they made that decision and didn’t take the car. Maybe Wendy can’t drive and this was (understandably) a strictly “girls only” affair.

That actually took some figuring for me too, but I didn’t want to get expository about it. Basically, I thought up a scenario where Wendy encourages Hank to rest up for the drive, rather than check out of the hotel early and sit around in the waiting room (my research told me only one ‘guest’ is allowed to be present during the procedure.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 What, so he sold some of their stuff to pay the motel bill? Was this part of the plan? I’m confused.

That was an unexpected hitch that Hank had encountered. When Hank went to check out a problem with card resulted in him still owing money and selling some of the camping stuff was the only option to come up with it on short notice.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 WENDY: Any time.

I put a few different lines in there and settled on that one. It was pretty close though, so I might change it again.


Hey Jimi, thanks for giving this a read.

Quoted from JimiLamp I liked the description of the Dad. We are not given specific description of what he looks like but just that little line - a man accustom to carrying burdens - conjured up a lot of visual ideas of who this man was, what he might look like, and in terms of his spirit/nature.

I’m glad you dug that description. Character descriptions are always very challenging and one of the few places where I tend to prefer asides to a straight forward visual. I don’t what kind of clothes a “man accustomed to carrying burdens” would tend to wear.


Hey Mark, Thanks for giving this a look.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I'm going to put my practical head on here though and ask would an audience be willing to sit through 16 minutes of this? We have a couple of parents driving their daughter to have an abortion then driving home and talking about normal every day stuff. There's 5-6 minutes where the audience would have no clue what the story is about (unless they read the logline and put 2 and 2 together) and that's a long time to keep the modern audience engaged. The tend to flick off if they get bored after a minute tops!

I think you’re right with a certain amount of what you’re saying. The subject matter itself can be off-putting. Even those who are “sympathetic” don’t necessarily want to watch a film about it, so I think the audience would be limited from the get go. Knowing that, I decided to just do it as honestly as possible and try to use mystery to string it along (though I see that didn’t work for you).

But while the audience is niche, I do think it’s there. The execution would have to be pretty close to perfect; with the right director and, most importantly, engaging actors who can evoke a lot of empathy. I think it could fair well if all the cylinders get firing.

I appreciate the angle you brought up there though and certainly appreciate your honesty. Thanks again.

Oh, and Col. Hit the nail on the head in regards to the question.

And finally if anyone wants a return read just shoot me a PM and I’ll give it a look

Eric

Eric

Quoted from EWall433 I was trying to think the kind of mundane annoyances that might occur during a road trip. Idiot drivers was one of them and this one a variation of something that happened to me recently. Basically the guy in front of me was going 30 in a 40 and when I went to legally pass him he honked at me then blinded me with his high beams.

- Ha, yup we all know the sorta wankers you talk about. I was thinking maybe you meant for Hank to blow his horn instead but I totally get where you're coming from.

Quoted from EWall433 That actually took some figuring for me too, but I didn’t want to get expository about it. Basically, I thought up a scenario where Wendy encourages Hank to rest up for the drive, rather than check out of the hotel early and sit around in the waiting room (my research told me only one ‘guest’ is allowed to be present during the procedure.

- Cool, makes sense.

Quoted from EWall433 That was an unexpected hitch that Hank had encountered. When Hank went to check out a problem with card resulted in him still owing money and selling some of the camping stuff was the only option to come up with it on short notice.

- Ya this threw me as it was a rather emasculating and, some would say, devastating to happen, a real knock to one's pride... but it was dealt in such a throwaway manner by Wendy when she found out that I wasn't sure. I suppose since they're a struggling family they're used to situations like this when they have to sell their possessions to get by. Tough goin'.