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Mercy by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Drama - An ailing elderly man and his loving wife revisit defining moments in his past. 6 pages - pdf, format
A good ol' fashioned "SPOILER!" double-suicide story. Unfortunately the dialogue was pretty sappy, not to mention (tears flow like waterfalls) and the situation itself just seemed like a really bad idea. Nice try, but I didn't buy it. Also, (MARY LEWIS, 67, sweet-faced woman) is a really poor character description, IMO. Sorry if this comes off as sounding harsh.
Solid writing, man. Great imagery throughout. I'm curious on a couple of issues. So Aaron killed himself and Mary is still alive, right? Or did she take the pills too and is going to die? Who called the police? Mary? If she didn't, then how did the police know to respond to a call that Aaron was going to kill himself? Would love to hear your take on those questions.
Sad story about an elderly gent who is no longer the man he once was. For me the premise of a man killing himself worked but I personally needed to see a bit more from Aaron why he would go to the extreme of doing it. I get that he is older but the only thing I know from him is that his hands shake. Maybe if he said to Mary about how it's difficult to move around or show him moving around and how hard it is. Maybe how she assist him to go to the bathroom. Something more that shows he's really in some kind of pain and can no longer go on. Just a thought.
A good ol' fashioned "SPOILER!" double-suicide story. Unfortunately the dialogue was pretty sappy, not to mention (tears flow like waterfalls) and the situation itself just seemed like a really bad idea. Nice try, but I didn't buy it. Also, (MARY LEWIS, 67, sweet-faced woman) is a really poor character description, IMO. Sorry if this comes off as sounding harsh.
There's nothing like a good old spoiler straight off the bat It's all good Caleb, everybody is entitled to their opinion. I'm in construction for 17 years so very little fazes me
Thanks for the read buddy
Quoted from Dirk
Mr. Moore,
Solid writing, man. Great imagery throughout. I'm curious on a couple of issues. So Aaron killed himself and Mary is still alive, right? Or did she take the pills too and is going to die? Who called the police? Mary? If she didn't, then how did the police know to respond to a call that Aaron was going to kill himself? Would love to hear your take on those questions.
Sad story about an elderly gent who is no longer the man he once was. For me the premise of a man killing himself worked but I personally needed to see a bit more from Aaron why he would go to the extreme of doing it. I get that he is older but the only thing I know from him is that his hands shake. Maybe if he said to Mary about how it's difficult to move around or show him moving around and how hard it is. Maybe how she assist him to go to the bathroom. Something more that shows he's really in some kind of pain and can no longer go on. Just a thought.
DIRK!!!! buddy how the hell are ya. thanks for the read
Mary called the cops in the opening scene. She also reached over for the tea in the last scene.
After rereading it, I agree this is a well-written script, I guess I just had a problem with some of the dialogue.
CALEB!!! thanks for the reread, see it wasn't THAT bad
So here's the scenario Caleb and Dirk.
It's loosely based on a local guy who shot himself after suffering from MS. He couldn't do what he could before, not the man he was. Then strangely my wife's friend hung himself also suffering from MS and family man for the same reason.
As you know me Dirk, I'm more of a comedy writer, but after the success of "11:07" I tried to keep the same sentiment. I wanted to keep it low budget and originally I didn't kill the wife, I just felt her life couldn't go on without him. There are some cheesy lines in there Caleb but overall it's the sentiment I'm trying to capture.
Thank you guys for reads if I can return the favor let me know.
Hey Mark - I hope you're not writing suicidal trips after 'pools season
Well... opinions, opinions. IMO, the reveal's too heavy here - the 'sure you want to do this' line killed it off for me and & guessed what was to follow. I think you could actually leave the cops out of this all together - have them do the drink, maybe have her hesitate somewhere along making the drink, then share the memories, with the twist at the end -- harder to get, but still referenced at the start - subtlety. But then you're in construction.... Just IMO - good read overall - and TBH: Lambert's a crap buy. Just what is that all about???
Well... opinions, opinions. IMO, the reveal's too heavy here - the 'sure you want to do this' line killed it off for me and & guessed what was to follow. I think you could actually leave the cops out of this all together - have them do the drink, maybe have her hesitate somewhere along making the drink, then share the memories, with the twist at the end -- harder to get, but still referenced at the start
I went back and forth over this on a few drafts, I left the "sure you want to do this" line out. then had a few peeps read it before I posted and they were undecided on whether Aaron knew or not. I wanted him to know about the poison.
Overall, I thought it was very good. I definitely got the 11:07 "feel" when I read this, meaning the sentiment, and the way the story is sort of "ticking" down to its climax. Does that make sense?
Glad you dropped the line where Aaron mentioned MS.
Loved the Everest line -- I would have done, I could have done. Then, for emphasis, he says it again. I thought that was powerful.
Liked how you wrote he faked throwing the ball o his son it the flashback. Cute, and a really tender moment there.
I didn't like the cyanide reveal. Sounds a bit too deviant to me. Perhaps it could have been sleeping pills of some sort. Cyanide sounds more like something a murderer would use.
I liked the ending, but I didn't. It felt rushed somehow, and looks a bit off in that you finish this off with two three or four line action blocks and then fade out. Maybe that shgould have been broken up somewhat, or added to. Make us follow the police officers around as they go throught the house. Actually, a line of dialogue from one of the officers might have added to the finale.
Overall, touching and heartfelt. You did a good job of showing us what Aaron was going through in those final moments with your descriptions.
Nice little story here. A bit saccharine in places, but if that’s your aim, then you hit your mark.
Pg. 1 “Ok, we'll see you soon.” Seems like an odd way to end what we later find out is a 911 call. Maybe, “I have to go now.” They tend to not want you to hang up.
I assume she got to the tea, but it could also be a cliff hanger. With the cops so close, they certainly could’ve knocked it out of her hand before she drank it.
After looking up cyanide, I think it works well for the speed you want. I was originally going to question whether the cops would be able to revive them. I still question whether Mary would risk the cops getting there before she drank it herself. Perhaps she could poison him first, then call the cops and report two dead bodies, hang up and drink the tea herself. Just a suggestion.
It might also be interesting if one of the memories is something Mary’s surprised to hear Aaron wanting to remember. I feel like we all have those times in life that are hell to live through, but somehow result in fond recollections (maybe we’re just happy we made it). It’d be nice if one of the memories had that feel.
Strong story overall though. Nice work and good luck with it.
--and for that moment whatever it was, seems to be forgotten--
I would suggest you to give this a physical description: The shine in their eyes goes away... whatever, you can write it better than I for sure, and also as you did it there, I guess.
Okay Romeo and Juliet for oldies.
It's a fine piece to read. I like your sub-themes. Self determining, suicide, euthanasia, are deeply discussed on several levels nowadays.
Aaron seems to be truly depressed because of his disease (what are they), that's fine established. Mary, on the other hand not, for me. As if she's not willing to come to terms with the fact that Aaron wants to pass away. But, she follows his wish (in love) and even take her own life in the end. That's a deep and good point, but I would understand her better if she would act like: I do this for you. And especially tell him that she does. That way, I guess she acts like that for hiding the twist. You can find a way to make it better. I think he need to know about the cyanide but you don't need them to talk about directly, more subtle, that you don't lose the payoff. It's not 100% believable as it is here for me.
I also would like to know the exact disease and reflect for myself: Yeah that's real bad. I can understand them. Then you would have me at a point where I think: Would I like to live that way...
The whole photo album element is fine. I don't think you need the flashbacks in motion. Only watching the album is already fine.
I stumble a bit around here I know. The potential of the current discussion (Switzerland etc) is big and there's a lot of interest for such stuff, I guess.
It's interesting how you've done this so far. The mercy plot is maybe to usual to justify a shooting. It's mainly good plotted, no doubt. I thought about what if they would be both serously ill. You could have the same payout if they were first reflecting the album only in harmony, then the turn shows that it was the last time they are together. They could be extreme tender to themselves and hyper-emotional all the time, without Maries doubts, and we ask why, and about what they are doing, and finally experience the big surprising twist and an ending with a bold statement. That way your characters could be stronger in some attractive ways. Mary wouldn't have to suffer from Aaron's decision, which is a point which currently speaks a bit "against euthanasia" in this script. Doesn't euthanasia and right of self determining of ill people deserve more stable circumstances? An opposite of the dilemma Mary has to handle with here? Watch out if the theme human dignity isn't more interesting concerning euthanasia and suicide today. It's too abstract for me Mary didn't tell him about the "real medicine" in the tea.
As a first approach it's very good. Build up on that. I just throw in some things which hopefully help you.
I went back and forth over this on a few drafts, I left the "sure you want to do this" line out. then had a few peeps read it before I posted and they were undecided on whether Aaron knew or not. I wanted him to know about the poison.
Haha. I didn't saw it that way even now. First because I thought Aaron is so ill that I saw the line you quoted above should refer to his difficulty to watch photos, secondary the lines
"Take a good drink now, it'll help. Tea is great medicine."
Just like school, I should have been paying attention!
BTW, you're not just a comedy writer. You're a damn fine drama writer as well.
How's the DJ script coming along with Gary?
Hey Buddy, thanks for the kind words. We actually finished the 1st draft last week... pretty quick, though it helped that Gary knew the story inside out.
Quoted from Steve
Overall, I thought it was very good. I definitely got the 11:07 "feel" when I read this, meaning the sentiment, and the way the story is sort of "ticking" down to its climax. Does that make sense?
Glad you dropped the line where Aaron mentioned MS.
Loved the Everest line -- I would have done, I could have done. Then, for emphasis, he says it again. I thought that was powerful.
Liked how you wrote he faked throwing the ball o his son it the flashback. Cute, and a really tender moment there.
I didn't like the cyanide reveal. Sounds a bit too deviant to me. Perhaps it could have been sleeping pills of some sort. Cyanide sounds more like something a murderer would use.
I liked the ending, but I didn't. It felt rushed somehow, and looks a bit off in that you finish this off with two three or four line action blocks and then fade out. Maybe that should have been broken up somewhat, or added to. Make us follow the police officers around as they go through the house. Actually, a line of dialogue from one of the officers might have added to the finale.
Overall, touching and heartfelt. You did a good job of showing us what Aaron was going through in those final moments with your descriptions.
Would certainly be easy to film.
STEVE!!! What's happening BUDDY?
Thanks for all your notes prior to posting, it helped to clean it up a lot. I used "Cyanide" because it's the only pills that are effective that quickly... also known as "suicide pills".
I wanted to keep the cops out of it as much as I could. I just needed them to wrap up the loopholes. Also for production purposes, I do believe if you give someone a line to say it costs more so I hear.
Nice little story here. A bit saccharine in places, but if that’s your aim, then you hit your mark.
Pg. 1 “Ok, we'll see you soon.” Seems like an odd way to end what we later find out is a 911 call. Maybe, “I have to go now.” They tend to not want you to hang up.
I assume she got to the tea, but it could also be a cliff hanger. With the cops so close, they certainly could’ve knocked it out of her hand before she drank it.
After looking up cyanide, I think it works well for the speed you want. I was originally going to question whether the cops would be able to revive them. I still question whether Mary would risk the cops getting there before she drank it herself. Perhaps she could poison him first, then call the cops and report two dead bodies, hang up and drink the tea herself. Just a suggestion.
It might also be interesting if one of the memories is something Mary’s surprised to hear Aaron wanting to remember. I feel like we all have those times in life that are hell to live through, but somehow result in fond recollections (maybe we’re just happy we made it). It’d be nice if one of the memories had that feel.
Strong story overall though. Nice work and good luck with it.
Thanks for checking it out Eric.
I wanted to leave it as a cliffhanger at the end basically our own interpretation of "would we?" if we were put in that position.
thanks again for the notes.
Quoted from PrussianMosby
Great themes. Deep stuff you handle with.
--and for that moment whatever it was, seems to be forgotten--
I would suggest you to give this a physical description: The shine in their eyes goes away... whatever, you can write it better than I for sure, and also as you did it there, I guess.
Okay Romeo and Juliet for oldies.
It's a fine piece to read. I like your sub-themes. Self determining, suicide, euthanasia, are deeply discussed on several levels nowadays.
Aaron seems to be truly depressed because of his disease (what are they), that's fine established. Mary, on the other hand not, for me. As if she's not willing to come to terms with the fact that Aaron wants to pass away. But, she follows his wish (in love) and even take her own life in the end. That's a deep and good point, but I would understand her better if she would act like: I do this for you. And especially tell him that she does. That way, I guess she acts like that for hiding the twist. You can find a way to make it better. I think he need to know about the cyanide but you don't need them to talk about directly, more subtle, that you don't lose the payoff. It's not 100% believable as it is here for me.
I also would like to know the exact disease and reflect for myself: Yeah that's real bad. I can understand them. Then you would have me at a point where I think: Would I like to live that way...
The whole photo album element is fine. I don't think you need the flashbacks in motion. Only watching the album is already fine.
I stumble a bit around here I know. The potential of the current discussion (Switzerland etc) is big and there's a lot of interest for such stuff, I guess.
It's interesting how you've done this so far. The mercy plot is maybe to usual to justify a shooting. It's mainly good plotted, no doubt. I thought about what if they would be both serously ill. You could have the same payout if they were first reflecting the album only in harmony, then the turn shows that it was the last time they are together. They could be extreme tender to themselves and hyper-emotional all the time, without Maries doubts, and we ask why, and about what they are doing, and finally experience the big surprising twist and an ending with a bold statement. That way your characters could be stronger in some attractive ways. Mary wouldn't have to suffer from Aaron's decision, which is a point which currently speaks a bit "against euthanasia" in this script. Doesn't euthanasia and right of self determining of ill people deserve more stable circumstances? An opposite of the dilemma Mary has to handle with here? Watch out if the theme human dignity isn't more interesting concerning euthanasia and suicide today. It's too abstract for me Mary didn't tell him about the "real medicine" in the tea.
As a first approach it's very good. Build up on that. I just throw in some things which hopefully help you.
As I mentioned on a previous post: The short is loosely based on a local guy who shot himself after suffering from MS. He couldn't do what he could before, not the man he was. Then strangely my wife's friend hung himself also suffering from MS and family man for the same reason.
The flashbacks were also a back and forth between drafts. I think they added little more substance, actually showing him in action.
It's a very strong subject, I know. When the decision falls down to the loved one, the nearest and dearest it's hard for anyone on the outside to understand.
As you noticed in a post, Aaron does know about the "medicine" I thought it would be more realistic if he did.