Oh Irish...you are getting as dark as me I really liked this. I could see the end coming a mile away...and I'm not sure what I'd say to do anything different with that beginning. I wonder if you just showed her hanging up the phone if that would be enough.

I wonder if it would have been stronger if we'd have known if she did it in secret...or if she told him she spiked both of their tea with poison...sort of like...I'll help you out of the world and this life but I'm going with you sort of thing. It may show a stronger bond...maybe he would not want her to die. Just saying there would be some conflict or could be.

I like this story.

Mark,

torn on this one.  Like the idea, though to be honest I didn’t feel all that much for these two -- or at least not as much as I should have (this coming from a guy who still gets choked up at the end of Falling Down...).  I’m not against using flashbacks, but the way they’re used here (and for such a short space) kind of took the focus away from the emotion you were building.  Could they be watching an old home movie instead?  We still get the trip down memory lane yet it keeps (older) them involved throughout.  This is already rich pickings visually, perhaps seeing their reactions as those memories play out could take it further.

I’d echo others here in losing the cops (lights/sirens would be enough) think there’s more poignancy in ending on these two alone.

Nitpick of the day --

p.1 -- ‘He sits on a worn out love seat that has also seen
better days.’

-- kind of saying the same thing twice here.

Hope this helps.

Steve.

Mark, good to see another short from you, big guy! Sorry I didn't notice this earlier.

Gave it a read and the first thing that struck me was the tone, which I think is very similar to 11:07.  Not maudlin in my mind, but bittersweet, very melancholy.

I liked this a lot -- maybe the dialogue was a little too melodramatic in spots and you could possibly look at dialing that back just a tad, but look, I think it works either way.  If this were to be filmed, and I don't know why it couldn't, you just need to make sure you have the right actors for it.  It'll be a tricky thing to pull off only because of the medical condition and how it's going to take someone to convey the very real emotions here. I think you found the right people for 11:07, just will need to do the same here.

I did have a question: Did Aaron take a cyanide pill before Mary made the call? Because I didn't see any action showing him actually taking the pill.  I assume then it was in the tea which they both drank. How long does it take for such a pill to work?  The reason I ask is wouldn't the dispatch have had an ambulance dispatched at the same time as the officers? And wouldn't they have tried to rescue at least her?  Again, don't know how cyanide works so just curious on that.  I think someone else mentioned that the call with 9-1-1 was somewhat matter of fact.  You might consider having her give the address then hanging up. I don't think it's an option to eliminate the call altogether.  If you're going to have a surprise ending you need to have a hint at the surprise earlier in the story, which I think is what the call alludes to.

One more thing: I like Aaron's last line, but instead of:

"...love could not prepare me for such life."  I think you it might read a little better as:

"...love could not prepare me for such a life."

Give this a little scrubbing and I think you have a nice little piece here.  Good job!

Gary

Quoted from Dena Oh Irish...you are getting as dark as me  I really liked this. I could see the end coming a mile away...and I'm not sure what I'd say to do anything different with that beginning. I wonder if you just showed her hanging up the phone if that would be enough. I wonder if it would have been stronger if we'd have known if she did it in secret...or if she told him she spiked both of their tea with poison...sort of like...I'll help you out of the world and this life but I'm going with you sort of thing. It may show a stronger bond...maybe he would not want her to die. Just saying there would be some conflict or could be. I like this story.

Thanks for the read Dena and the notes.

I left her decision to  kill herself open to interpretation... is she gonna do it? would you?

Quoted from stevemiles torn on this one.  Like the idea, though to be honest I didn’t feel all that much for these two -- or at least not as much as I should have (this coming from a guy who still gets choked up at the end of Falling Down...).  I’m not against using flashbacks, but the way they’re used here (and for such a short space) kind of took the focus away from the emotion you were building.  Could they be watching an old home movie instead?  We still get the trip down memory lane yet it keeps (older) them involved throughout.  This is already rich pickings visually, perhaps seeing their reactions as those memories play out could take it further. I’d echo others here in losing the cops (lights/sirens would be enough) think there’s more poignancy in ending on these two alone. Nitpick of the day -- p.1 -- ‘He sits on a worn out love seat that has also seen better days.’ -- kind of saying the same thing twice here.

Thanks for the notes and the read Steve. The cops are a big hit and miss with peeps. I really only used to them to tie up the loose ends.

Quoted from Gary Mark, good to see another short from you, big guy! Sorry I didn't notice this earlier. Gave it a read and the first thing that struck me was the tone, which I think is very similar to 11:07.  Not maudlin in my mind, but bittersweet, very melancholy. I liked this a lot -- maybe the dialogue was a little too melodramatic in spots and you could possibly look at dialing that back just a tad, but look, I think it works either way.  If this were to be filmed, and I don't know why it couldn't, you just need to make sure you have the right actors for it.  It'll be a tricky thing to pull off only because of the medical condition and how it's going to take someone to convey the very real emotions here. I think you found the right people for 11:07, just will need to do the same here. I did have a question: Did Aaron take a cyanide pill before Mary made the call? Because I didn't see any action showing him actually taking the pill.  I assume then it was in the tea which they both drank. How long does it take for such a pill to work?  The reason I ask is wouldn't the dispatch have had an ambulance dispatched at the same time as the officers? And wouldn't they have tried to rescue at least her?  Again, don't know how cyanide works so just curious on that.  I think someone else mentioned that the call with 9-1-1 was somewhat matter of fact.  You might consider having her give the address then hanging up. I don't think it's an option to eliminate the call altogether.  If you're going to have a surprise ending you need to have a hint at the surprise earlier in the story, which I think is what the call alludes to. One more thing: I like Aaron's last line, but instead of: "...love could not prepare me for such life."  I think you it might read a little better as: "...love could not prepare me for such a life." Give this a little scrubbing and I think you have a nice little piece here.  Good job!

Yo GARY!!!

Thanks for the read buddy.

The cyanide is in the tea and she is calling the cops at the start... It's a lethal pill, sometimes used by the military to avoid interrogation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_pill

Thanks again

Mark

Hey buddy

I hate these depressed scripts. Submit a comedy dammit. Lol.

The phone call in the beginning is interesting but, the end makes you question it. I mean what's the purpose of calling?  How about having someone go over and find them?

Hope this helps
Gabe

Mark,

Solid little story here. Very sad and melancholic. I thought the flashbacks were utilised brilliantly here as well.

My only gripe with this was the police aspect of the story. I actually saw the end coming a few pages in, as I connected the dots of Mary's phone call with everything else that was happening in the story. So I would actually consider removing the phone call and then the police at the end, as they really felt redundant. You could get the same point across if you had Mary tending to the tea in the kitchen, then after Aaron collapses on her, cut back to the kitchen and the canister of cyanide?

Also, was this a double suicide, or did only Aaron take the poison? The reason that I ask is because I assumed the poison was in the tea... but then only Aaron seems to collapse, what with Mary speaking her "no more" dialogue afterwards?

You should start a little 'heartbreaking old age' trilogy. What with this and 11:07, you've only got one more tale to think of

All joking aside, I thought this was a great little script. Good job, mate. I really liked this one.

And I'm guessing you'll be cheering us on in the world cup as well, what with our squad being 50% Liverpool

Quoted from Gabe Hey buddy I hate these depressed scripts. Submit a comedy dammit. Lol. The phone call in the beginning is interesting but, the end makes you question it. I mean what's the purpose of calling?  How about having someone go over and find them?

Hey Gabe where have you been? I haven't seen you on FB in quite a while.
Thanks for the read buddy. I figured if she let the cops know, it might be a while before somebody finds them.

Quoted from Toby Solid little story here. Very sad and melancholic. I thought the flashbacks were utilised brilliantly here as well. My only gripe with this was the police aspect of the story. I actually saw the end coming a few pages in, as I connected the dots of Mary's phone call with everything else that was happening in the story. So I would actually consider removing the phone call and then the police at the end, as they really felt redundant. You could get the same point across if you had Mary tending to the tea in the kitchen, then after Aaron collapses on her, cut back to the kitchen and the canister of cyanide? Also, was this a double suicide, or did only Aaron take the poison? The reason that I ask is because I assumed the poison was in the tea... but then only Aaron seems to collapse, what with Mary speaking her "no more" dialogue afterwards? You should start a little 'heartbreaking old age' trilogy. What with this and 11:07, you've only got one more tale to think of All joking aside, I thought this was a great little script. Good job, mate. I really liked this one.

Thanks for the read buddy. I've been going back and forward over the cop scene and you do have a point, it would maybe be better if I lost the phone call and the cops. It would be easier to film( less characters)

I was thinking about a trilogy... the 3rd was about Liverpool last season, it's my own heartbreak
Or maybe England in a penalty shootout.

Quoted from Toby And I'm guessing you'll be cheering us on in the world cup as well, what with our squad being 50% Liverpool

A rock and a hard place.
Yes I will be cheering you on along with the Scots

So would I cheering on the 5 liverpool boys or Luis suarez when they meet, there's only one winner.

I did draw them last night from a mate's World Cup pool though who is English. So he had a good laugh.

Take it bro and thanks for the notes

Mark

Mark

Nice piece. Between the title and the first few pages I kind of figured out the ending before Caleb’s spoiler on the first post. But its it’s cool. Not much of a big twist. But a well written story at that. It did feel a bit over saturated with sappiness. But however, I did like that line “Life could not prepare me for such love... love could not prepare me
for such life.” Nice one.

Overall it’s a well written good story

Reel truth

Mark

Not bad, worked well as a five pager, effective ending.

Although, between the title, the downtrodden appearance and attitude of Aaron, the lamenting over the photo album and the "Tea is great medicine" line from Mary I could see the ending coming before the fact.

Not that it needed explaining but I wondered what was wrong with him, having “twisted hands” and a “broken down” body? It got me thinking MS or arthritis.

Perhaps you could use a less traveled road then poring over a photo album. How about having the saxophone nearby, perhaps a trophy or a piece of gear for mountain climbing and a baseball mitt/bat/cap, whatever. Maybe in preparation for their last minutes, Mary has arranged these mementos around Aaron to help him relive his past before he goes. This is something that will look odd when first presented but makes more sense come the conclusion. On the contrary, it could give away the final reveal even sooner.

It’s not an altogether new theme to explore but a powerful one nonetheless, the idea of someone killing their beloved out of love. I've always considered euthanasia a reasonable request but it remains a controversial topic in today’s society and understandably so. I guess, one can’t really comment until one is faced with such a decision.  

Anyway, just on a technical level, in the last block of prose you have 6 different "movements" happening...Officers looking at Mary, Mary looking at officers, Mary looking at table, reaching for the tea, photo album falling and opening on a certain page…all within three lines, feels a bit cluttered.

Maybe it could it be broken up to deliver the images in a more dramatic fashion. Plus, you got room on the page.

For example:

"They watch on as she glances up at the Officers.”

“She looks back, at the table, reaches for the tea.”

“The photo album falls to the floor and opens at their wedding picture as we...”

Just a thought, no big deal.

Regards

Col.

Quoted from reel-truth Nice piece. Between the title and the first few pages I kind of figured out the ending before Caleb’s spoiler on the first post. But its it’s cool. Not much of a big twist. But a well written story at that. It did feel a bit over saturated with sappiness. But however, I did like that line “Life could not prepare me for such love... love could not prepare me for such life.” Nice one. Overall it’s a well written good story

Thanks for the read bro glad you enjoyed it.

Quoted from Col Not bad, worked well as a five pager, effective ending. Although, between the title, the downtrodden appearance and attitude of Aaron, the lamenting over the photo album and the "Tea is great medicine" line from Mary I could see the ending coming before the fact. Not that it needed explaining but I wondered what was wrong with him, having “twisted hands” and a “broken down” body? It got me thinking MS or arthritis. Perhaps you could use a less traveled road then poring over a photo album. How about having the saxophone nearby, perhaps a trophy or a piece of gear for mountain climbing and a baseball mitt/bat/cap, whatever. Maybe in preparation for their last minutes, Mary has arranged these mementos around Aaron to help him relive his past before he goes. This is something that will look odd when first presented but makes more sense come the conclusion. On the contrary, it could give away the final reveal even sooner. It’s not an altogether new theme to explore but a powerful one nonetheless, the idea of someone killing their beloved out of love. I've always considered euthanasia a reasonable request but it remains a controversial topic in today’s society and understandably so. I guess, one can’t really comment until one is faced with such a decision.   Anyway, just on a technical level, in the last block of prose you have 6 different "movements" happening...Officers looking at Mary, Mary looking at officers, Mary looking at table, reaching for the tea, photo album falling and opening on a certain page…all within three lines, feels a bit cluttered. Maybe it could it be broken up to deliver the images in a more dramatic fashion. Plus, you got room on the page. For example: "They watch on as she glances up at the Officers.” “She looks back, at the table, reaches for the tea.” “The photo album falls to the floor and opens at their wedding picture as we...” Just a thought, no big deal.

Thanks for the read and the notes Col.

Yeah Aaron had MS.

I originally had Aaron looking over  the objects(saxophone and so on) in the basement... then he shot himself.
Figured it was a bit much, so I tried to create more sentiment using Mary and a photo album.

Thanks for the notes on the clean up at the end,  yours looks a lot better.

Hi Mark,

Been meaning to read this for a few days. Haven't bothered to read the other comments so hopefully not too much repetition.

What's, steeps a cup?

Did she die as well? Or try to? Wasn't quite sure on that last part.

A simple scene. A dying man, a wish to end it, a life of good memories.

I assume this was planned together and not a surprise to him. This is important to how it reads.

In the cycle of emotion I can picture the process of denial, anger, sadness all merging from a difficult change. So I suppose my one thought it's that, if this is the final scene, and they agreed this, the anger is over. It's more a sad departure. If he doesn't know then I could see the anger still present.

Twist wise it seemed pretty clear from the outset that he was going to die, sometimes you see  it others you don't, so if the poison is the twist then it needs a little distraction.

For example, they could talk about the future. The things they will do.

Anyway, just thoughts.

All the best.  

Quoted from Bill Been meaning to read this for a few days. Haven't bothered to read the other comments so hopefully not too much repetition. What's, steeps a cup? Did she die as well? Or try to? Wasn't quite sure on that last part. A simple scene. A dying man, a wish to end it, a life of good memories. I assume this was planned together and not a surprise to him. This is important to how it reads. In the cycle of emotion I can picture the process of denial, anger, sadness all merging from a difficult change. So I suppose my one thought it's that, if this is the final scene, and they agreed this, the anger is over. It's more a sad departure. If he doesn't know then I could see the anger still present. Twist wise it seemed pretty clear from the outset that he was going to die, sometimes you see  it others you don't, so if the poison is the twist then it needs a little distraction. For example, they could talk about the future. The things they will do.

Hey Bill thanks for the read and the notes.

Aren't you English? You don't know how to steep a cup of tea

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-steep-a-perfect-cup-of-tea-every-single-time.html

The last moment I was leaving up to interpretation. Would you, if you were in her place?

This was planned and it wasn't as a big of a twist as I anticipated as I hoped.

Thanks again buddy

Mark

Quoted from irish eyes Hey Bill thanks for the read and the notes. Aren't you English? You don't know how to steep a cup of tea http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-to-steep-a-perfect-cup-of-tea-every-single-time.html The last moment I was leaving up to interpretation. Would you, if you were in her place? This was planned and it wasn't as a big of a twist as I anticipated as I hoped. Thanks again buddy Mark

Learn something everyday  

Cheers

We mostly drink instant. I think most English people would look at you strange if you said steep a cup of tea.