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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Anything For Love Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Anything For Love by Glenn Doyle (IAmGlenn) - Short, Romance, Horror - Zack will do anything to find Ms. Right. 12 pages - pdf, format


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IamGlenn
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the upload Don.

This is my 2nd completed short.

Any reads and thoughts will be greatly appreciated



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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 2:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

Well done on this I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was funny and well written.
Theres a few things that caught my eye though.

The first paragraph:

"ZACK (nerdy, late 20’s) finishes shaving in front of the mirror. He wipes the foam remains from his face and splasheswater on his face. He pats his face with a towel and leaves the room."

Theres too many "his face" in this. I would re-write this paragraph.

"Diane is heard shuffling around in total darkness."

I would lose the heard and just make it "Diane shuffles around in darkness"

"Diane leads Zack down the stairs, the candle in one hand, his hand in the other."

I'm not sure "his hand in the other" is needed, You've already stated before that she takes Zack by the hand and she is now leading him. In my opinion I would get rid of it.

"A noise comes from the other side of the room. It’s someone banging on a door."

You could shorten this "Banging comes from across the room" then Diane dialogue will clarify what the banging is.

"Zack looks across at Diane. Although he now knows she is a killer, she’s never been more beautiful. The candle light shines perfectly on her."

I think this could be worded better as this is the turning point for Zack and the situation.

Maybe "Zack looks at Diane with unconditional love as her beauty glows in the candle light."

Other than a few changes here and there this is a good story.

I was glad Zack joined in with the killing at the end, I was afraid it was going to be another girl/woman killing everyone again.

Nice work.
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IamGlenn
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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Lee,
Thanks for the read.

Glad you enjoyed it. I was afraid romance/horror I was going for wouldnt be as enjoyable to some as it was for me writing it. So it's good to hear you liked the overall story.

Good points you raised as well and things like re-wording will be done.

Also good spot with this.. "ZACK (nerdy, late 20’s) finishes shaving in front of the mirror. He wipes the foam remains from his face and splasheswater on his face. He pats his face with a towel and leaves the room."

It reads horribly. Should have noticed this.

Cheers.


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Forgive
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 5:33am Report to Moderator
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Well, this had some potential, but it was messily executed.

Your intro does and says nothing about the story - he's shaving. Why do you have this in here? Your start is Zack's desperation for love - that he would do anything, and that begins with Dave - I don't know why Dave is on the phone when he should be in the room with Zack, or some other physical location where they establish Zack never has a g/f and if he does he always finds wierdo's.

I think they do speed dating in 40 yr old virgin - try taking a look at that. The scene as played in kinda flat, and we know these kind of people go there anyways -- so maybe go straight for Diana sitting next to him, suprise turn. And this may give you a chance to establish some kind of relationship between the two - their hook-up as is, is way too convenient.

EXT. CITY STREET - LATER
Zack and Diane walk and talk. There’s no other person to be
seen.
--is clumsy
EXT. DESERTED CITY STREET - NIGHT

P.5 We cut back to Zack and Dave on the phone again - this is wierd; I think the guys need to meet.

p.8 Dave's absence is shoe-horned in via a phone call - if there were more used to meeting in person, Zack could knock at Dave's and then Dave's absence would have more (screen) presence.

p.8 Zack is visibly pondering his friend’s whereabouts.
--good one for pointing this out, as I would never had guessed, but you're going to need captions to let the audience know - like in the old b&w silent films.

p.9 Zack is rooted to the step he stands on. He can’t move out
of fear and his unquestionable love for Diane.
--just need those captions puttng up again.

p.10 WE MEET DAVE!!! But instead of initial shock, we just go "Who the f**k is that?" Until Zack goes "Dave?" And then we go "Oh! Dave! Hey Dave!"

So needs some work all in all IMO - I'm good with the idea, just not the way it works & cut some of those unfilmables as they're not really the type that help. Maybe find a way to spend a little more time establishing the characters, so we get into their heads a little more.
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Dustin
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Code

ZACK (nerdy, late 20’s) finishes shaving in front of the
mirror. He wipes the foam remains from his face and splashes
water on his face. He pats his face with a towel and leaves
the room.



The first sentence isn't necessary as it simply tells us what the other two sentences show us.

ZACK (20s), nerdy, rinses shaving foam from his face before
dab-drying with a towel and leaving.

Always look for ways you can do that with your action blocks. If it can be done in one, then do it as it will help with flow.

Yeah, I'm in agreement that there isn't anything gained from the bathroom scene. You could use it to show he psyching himself up but then it would mean using the mirror thing twice. Which may work. The smaller bathroom mirror, followed by the longer living room one.... but in my opinion you might as well cut the bathroom scene.
Code

EXT. CITY STREET - LATER
Zack and Diane walk and talk. There’s no other person to be
seen.

ZACK
I’m just glad I met at least one
normal person.

DIANE
Oh, thank you.

ZACK
You’re very welcome.



It's supposed to be later yet all they are talking about is how weird everyone else was at the speed dating thing. I take it that both of these people are perfect? Not only that, the dialogue isn't very realistic. Be better here if they shared some type of joke or common ground. The dialogue definitely needs to be handled better or cut it altogether. Simply having them laughing, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes. She pulls away, kisses him briefly, slips her number into his hand, then she's gone...

Try to do things visually, use dialogue as a last resort.

Code

Zack smiles to himself as he watches her walk away.



To himself? Couldn't he just smile?

Code

The couple are both laughing while in conversation.

ZACK
That’s what I mean, he didn’t have
to go that far.

DIANE
And the poor little ferret!

The two burst into laughter.

After a few seconds, Diane looks at Zack with clear love.



Much better in the above. We don't need to know what the joke is. Minimal dialogue that gets the point across they are happy.

Code

 Zack looks back. Grinning, sharing the feeling.

DIANE
Wanna come back to mine?

Zack is shocked.

ZACK
(sarcastically)
Is that an invitation back to
yours?

Diane smiles back
ZACK
Never thought the day would come.

DIANE
Well, it is upon us.

Zack chuckles.

ZACK
Sounds good.

They both smile and stare lovingly at each other.



Then you spoil it with the above, lol. Again, you could delete all of the above and after the laughter she simply reaches across the table and strokes his arm. He gets the message:

ZACK: Really?

She nods.

Cut to...

INT. HER PLACE


Try to say a lot without saying much at all. Allow people to use their own imaginations. Nudge them in the right direction rather than leading them by the hand.

Code

ZACK
So, I never found out at the speed
dating, what hobbies do you
actually have?



This is two months later. I assumed the break in time intimated they'd been dating, just that it had taken her two months to put out. Now it seems it has taken them two months to get a second date. I'd change that. It all comes down to pointless dialogue again. Use sparingly.

Code

With the candle in
her hand she begins lighting two more.



Watch out for 'begins' and 'starts'. Rarely needed.

Yeah, OK. So he kills his friend just so he can live with the hot psycho chick.

I think it works, but barely. What would be better is if his friend was caught coming onto her, maybe it's her first time too, maybe the friend tried to rape her, leaving them with a choice to make now he is all tied up.

Anyway, hopefully some of the things I've said help. Good luck.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn

Gave this a quick read, a few thoughts. just my opinion of course.

It well structured and formatted again - good job.

I was pulled along by the flow of the story as it unfolded too, so well paced.

I got the impression that Zack was well out of her league but I didn't really get what Diane saw in Zack... I actually expected her to kill Zack in a black widow ending... so you got me with the twist you had.

But with that twist I need some reason that she picks Dave, it's gonna be hard enough for Zack to kill a person... let alone his best mate.

An alternative might be to have a different victim, what if Diane hated bitchy women and the victim was someone who'd sleighted Zack at the original speed dating? Sort of like she's got him a present... Just a thought...

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Colkurtz8
Posted: September 11th, 2014, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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Glenn

“He wipes the foam remains from his face and splashes
water on his face.”

- You could easily shorten this to “He wipes the foam remains, splashes water on his face.” while retaining the visual.

“Zack sits across from MARY (large woman, mid 40’s)”

- Ha, made me laugh. Do they not classify by age at these things? Or does Zack go for experience? Also, no need to say “woman” in the brackets, we gather that from her name

Good first few pages, sharp dialogue, amusing. Although, Diane seems your standard too-good-to-be true kinda gal, there has to be a catch somewhere…

“She writes her number on a small piece of paper.”

- Sh?t its 2014! Where is the Smartphone and typing in of girl’s number to guy’s contact list?

Zack is shocked.

ZACK
(sarcastically)
Is that an invitation back to
yours?

- That’s a true sign of love if he’s stuck around for two months without getting the jump…or she’s just that smoking hot she’s worth the wait!

ZACK
Never thought the day would come.

- I wonder should Diane take offense to this, in a playful way? Since he’s suggesting she’s frigid.

“The house is an old cottage on the outskirts of the city
with plants and shrubbery in the garden. Creeping plants
grow up the walls.”

- Oh fu?k, this is ominous. I sense a hidden, weird secret on the horizon…like when Ross goes back to that fit, blonde one’s house in Friends.

ZACK
Yeah. So how long you been living
here?

DIANE
A few years now. Since my grandma
died. She left it to me.

- I presume it’s your intention to have their dialogue a little stilted and uncomfortable since it’s his first time back here, the next step of their relationship and all that but it has been two months. Surely he would’ve known something about her living arrangements before now? It would’ve come up in conversation. It’s easily fixed anyway by just reducing the time passage on page 5 down two a couple of weeks or something.

Although, I appreciate you want to give their relationship enough time for real love to be established between them for what comes later. So I would consider changing some of those questions Zack asked to stuff he still might not know about her after going out for two months.

ZACK
So, I never found out at the speed
dating, what hobbies do you
actually have?

- Again, wouldn’t this have come up in conversation before now?

ZACK
That was my friend, Dave’s mother.

- Lose the comma as it makes it sound like Dave’s mother is his friend. Which could be possible, bit weird, but possible…but more importantly it’s not what you mean, right? Also, you could probably lose “Dave” and just say “That was my friend’s mother” Reading on I know you need to set up Dave’s disappearance for later on so maybe include his name in the next line.

DIANE
This is my hobby.

- And there’s the weirdness we were waiting for. Clear similarities between this and “The Dinner” as in dark secrets being withheld in the basement, seemingly normal people turning out to be sick fu?ks!

DIANE
Don’t be silly, Zack. I love you.
No, I don’t want to kill you. I
want a partner. Someone who will
join me and kill.

- Nice change of direction here with the partner angle.

“Zack is rooted to the step he stands on. He can’t move out
of fear and his unquestionable love for Diane.”

- This could be rewritten as: Zack is rooted to the step he stands on, torn between fear and love.”

“Inside is Dave (late 20’s, unshaven) with tape around his mouth. He looks like he’s been in the closet for hours.”

- Cool, probably should’ve but never saw this twist coming.

“Zack looks across at Diane. Although he now knows she is a
killer, she’s never been more beautiful. The candle light
shines perfectly on her.”

- Ha, I laughed at this, love the gallows humour.

I was enjoying the first half of this, the humour, the dialogue, the interactions between Zack and Diane. However, I was just waiting for the revelation that Diane was crazy in some way, miles worse than cake decorating, knitting or marbles collecting combined! Like “The Dinner” you knew something was up, it was merely a case of when.

This could be something to look at in the rewrite, see about obscuring that anticipation, perhaps throw in a red herring to mislead us down a different path before unveiling Diane’s grizzly hobby. Maybe you could do something with Dave’s character or even Zack himself, perhaps he is harbouring some dark secret. Removing some of the foreshadow-y lines like Dave’s warning when they’re on the phone and Diane’s spooky house might help.

Its finding that trickly balance between creating a unsettling mood, leaving some clues while not totally giving the game away before it happens on screen.

Also, two or three pages in, with the title in mind, it can only really lead to one thing, that Zack’s Ms. Right has to have some freakiness in order for the title to have relevance.

So while I had mixed feelings in the set up because of its inevitability I really enjoyed where you went with it once Diane comes clean. As I said, I liked Diane decision to “recruit” Zach because of their whirlwind romance. I realise the script’s title gave us a clue in this regard too but I still dug Zach’s weighing up of the pros and cons, his understandable initial trepidation before embracing it wholeheartedly to the extremity of killing his friend! Which was another welcome twist also.

Basically, it went fully into comedy horror mode at the end, total balls out which I liked. So to your credit, although it’s heavily signposted from the opening pages, you did a good job with this.

Col.


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IamGlenn
Posted: September 11th, 2014, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you all very much for the reads and the comments. As always, very much appreciated.

Forgive,

The shaving scene at the start was just supposed to show him getting ready and sprucing himself up for the night that lay ahead. Probably was a little pointless. I'll look into it.
Dave probably should have been on screen at some point before right at the end. It would add to the ending. I see what you mean.
As for the unfilmables, I suppose being a beginner and all, that's just a habit at the moment that I'll have to get out of my system.

Dustin,

Once again, thank you. Your advice on my last script was very helpful and I tried to keep your tips in mind on this one.
The scene where they're walking and talking on the street is later on. I was trying to imply that they had been talking and getting along and then Zack says "I'm just glad I met at least one normal person". Obviously it needs a bit of work.
Yep, just smiles would be fine. No one just smiles to themselves..
The bit about going back to the house, I was just trying to show she has never asked him back before because of the secret. This, also could be handled better though.
And I agree with the asking her hobbies line. It seems he doesn't know her. I was just trying to set the reveal up later. I'll work on that.
Thanks for the advice again and for the different ways I could approach the ending. Again, very helpful.

Anthony,

Thanks again for giving it a read.
Some interesting points you made as well.
I know it would be very tough to kill his mate but I wanted to show in the end that he was THAT infatuated with this girl that he would do anything to get her.

Colkurtz,

A very big thanks to you. Same as Dustin, your tips last time have really helped me.
As you recommended, I have already changed the time frame from the speed dating until the date at the house. 2 months did seem too long and he should've known some basic stuff.
Thanks for your kind words and also for the little tweaks I could make to improve the story overall. Definitely something I'll be looking into. Much appreciated. Plus, glad you liked the ending

Again, BIG thanks to you all.

Glenn


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Athenian
Posted: September 13th, 2014, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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Hi Glenn,

This is fun and promising, but I think you should experiment a little with the last part and try alternatives. Many people, as you see, don't find plausible that Zach would kill his best friend without good reason.

Here's an idea (you can come up, of course, with something different): Dave manages to free himself and tells Zach the truth about Diane, showing him the coffins and everything. Zach is shocked, initially, but when Dave picks up the phone to call the police... he proves his love to Diane.

Good luck with it - I do believe it has much potential.

Manolis
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IamGlenn
Posted: September 14th, 2014, 4:11am Report to Moderator
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Manolis,
Thanks for the read.
Good idea for the last part and I agree it could definitely do with some tweaking.. Glad you see the potential in this one.

Cheers,
Glenn


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Ugo
Posted: September 19th, 2014, 2:40am Report to Moderator
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i don't know if anyone said this cause i didn't read their comments but when Zack is talking to Dave on the phone.  use DAVE(V.O) since dave is not in the scene or use intercut conversation. again i'm not sure if anyone pointed that out but that was something i caught.

He can’t move out of fear and his unquestionable love for Diane. --- for some reason that doesn't work for me. i understand he's scared but for some reason it sounds unbelievable. if it was me i'll throw that candle at that crazy psycho and hi tale my butt outta there.  

Diane steps in and rips the tape from his mouth. --- just say Diane rips the tape from his mouth. no need for the "steps in"

oh god, why did he kill Dave??

the script read easy. i just didn't like the ending. but i see you have something here and believe it can be a full script.

anyways ---

good luck in your script

Ugochukwu



check out my scripts here....let me know what you think

https://www.dropbox.com/s/amkdn3svt5rernq/last%20hope.pdf?dl=0

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IamGlenn
Posted: September 19th, 2014, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Ugo.

This and my other short will be given a rewrite soon and the endings will be tinkered with along with other parts.

Thanks for the feedback



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IamGlenn
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 5:02am Report to Moderator
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Hey, this was re-written a while back and made into a feature length, which will hopefully be produced soon. Was wondering if I can post the link for the new script here or am I better off getting in touch with Don, so he can edit it?

Cheers


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Dustin
Posted: July 5th, 2015, 5:15am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from IamGlenn
Hey, this was re-written a while back and made into a feature length, which will hopefully be produced soon. Was wondering if I can post the link for the new script here or am I better off getting in touch with Don, so he can edit it?

Cheers


I'm sure you don't mean that you want Don to edit your script... but that's how it reads.

If it's going to be produced then you probably shouldn't list it here without checking with the other owners of the story first. Most won't mind if it's low budget and we can help improve it... but it depends on if you have a contract or not and what it stipulates.

As for uploading your script here, you can do that as that is what the site is for. It's the other people involved with your script that you need to get permission from.

Well done, by the way.


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