Perhaps make Corey the nice guy, Kyle a rich dick thinking he can just buy his glory, at the end Cory shoots both of Kyle and his rich idiot of a girlfriend and mugs them both, deception from a real criminal.

Basically rich people can't just buy their way through life and expect the poor to do their dirty work.

I was thinking the same thing. Cory blows them both away.  Or just her, knowing Kyle is too big a wuss to do anything

What do you think?

Best
Richard

I wouldn't change much at all, Richard.

Maybe a hint that Cory needs money. Something more said by Amy at the end to indicate she hasn't ever thought of Kyle as husband material. Maybe some trimming.

Your instincts about your own story seem solid, so I would stick with what you think.

P.S. Just read your post about having Cory shoot one or both. I vote No to that.

"I was thinking the same thing. Cory blows them both away.  Or just her, knowing Kyle is too big a wuss to do anything

What do you think?"

Depends on what message you really want to say.

I get what you are trying to say but I just feel sorry for Cory. Although I have made suggestion on altering the ending etc but maybe all this needs it just making Cory a dick, that would change  the story completely and leave Kyle stuck in a cycle of being this coward his whole life.
Personally I would have thought Corey to be a little more rude and abusive seeing that he is a criminal after all.

However, you did mention that there are no winners, why not have a Mexican stand off at the end, they all die, then there really is no winners Ha!

Good luck with this

Quoted from RichardR Guys do arrange fights in order to impress a woman. Usually it's some bud who accosts the girl so her date can be a hero.

The only time I've seen that is in films. Never heard or seen it done in real life. Usually guys just bullshit about being an actor, footballer or even doctor. If I wrote it as a scene in a feature it would be criticised as being cliche... done a million times in a million different films.

I expected a moral or message to come from it. You ended it with a bullet that makes no sense. For me it is cheating what could be good. Every story should have a message. We should be trying to say something with our work. What does yours say?

But, others seem to like it. So it probably doesn't matter.

Hey Richard,

Kyle, Cory, Kyle, Cory… for me this story was going along fine until Amy said, “I don’t want to be here when the police arrive.” She’s running from the cops? Why? It’s a completely legitimate self-defense shooting. A normal person in her situation would immediately seek to call the cops. If she was supposed to have done something illegal, I missed it. I also don’t think you need to set-up the idea that Amy has a gun. Some people just carry guns. Or you could have her stab him in the eye with a nail file. Make her resourceful, cause if there’s any message that I can see it’s "don’t assume a woman can’t take care of herself.”

Also note that the police will eventually put Kyle at the bar with Cory, and the bartender has an envelope full of money meant to be exchanged between them. On the one hand, the truth will come out. On the other hand, I'm not sure if Kyle's really done anything illegal. Trying to cover it up would be compounding his stupidity. I guess what I’m saying is, talking about the cops is a wasted beat imo, because I don’t think there’s any chance in hell this doesn’t unravel.

As far Kyle and Cory… by introducing Cory first and telling the story through his eyes in the beginning, you’ve set him up as your protagonist. But Kyle’s the one who’s active and has a plan. He’s also the only one who learns anything. Cory and Amy are just there to set up and pay off the joke fate’s decided to play on him. I’d focus a rewrite on him. Make sure we’re seeing things through his eyes so we can better understand his misconceptions and see his folly. That being said there are some puzzling things about him…

“KYLE: With any luck, I'll be engaged and laid by midnight.”

This makes it sound like his plan is to A) make Amy think he’s a ‘real man’ so B) she’ll agree to marry him and C) he’ll finally get to have sex with her. I suppose some people still wait for marriage, but I don’t even know for sure whether it’s Amy or Kyle who’s got this hang up. It seems like a lot of trouble to go through just to get some. And no matter how much Kyle talks about Amy being perfect, he's still resolving the thought with ,”and tonight I get to stick it in.” Which I guess kinda makes sense because…

How could Kyle be about to marry Amy and have no idea she carries a gun on her? You’d think it would’ve come up somehow. He knows so much about her father, but apparently nothing about her.

Now I wouldn’t necessarily say you get rid of all these qualities, because I think they make Kyle more interesting than he otherwise would be. But if you do rewrite with Kyle as the protagonist, I’d keep these things in mind as they more or less directly inform the horrible decision making that Kyle exercises.

Overall, I think it’s a good concept for a short. Simple, but effective structure. Set-up and twist. I just don’t think that last beat with Amy works and in order to figure out what does, you may need to rejigger the set-up.

I was just going to bring up the logic of Amy and Kyle fleeing the scene, but EWall beat me to it. I wanted to add that Kyle's gun would be found with dead body. I can understand if Kyle maybe wants to flee the scene to avoid the cops, but not Amy. I feel like you made her too much of a badass, instead of an innocent bystander that just got caught up in this mess. The dialogue between Amy and Kyle are the weakest in the script and it's mostly because Amy doesn't feel real. It's lines like, 'I killed the sonofabitch.' 'Jesus, get a grip.' and 'He got what he deserved. Come on.' Adrenaline would be rushing through their veins and if anything they'd be in shock. It feels like Amy has done this many times before.  

Now onto the good, I liked the early exchange between Cory and Kyle as it all felt genuine. The plan sounds ridiculous, especially getting a gun involved. Cory could of just walked away with a free gun, $100, and a good buzz.

Overall I liked the story, but I did know either Cory or Kyle was going to be shot after the gun was introduced, but it was a nice little twist to have Amy be the shooter and I personally thought you gave us just the right amount of setup, considering it's a 10 page script. I was hoping for a different ending, something more clever but this one does just fine. I'm starting to notice a pattern that you like to end your shorts with someone being shot or killed. Change it up every now and then so that's not all we come to expect.

Also, not a fan of the logline or the title. Good luck with this.


- Chong

Richard

“Half full, a watering hole for blue collar people, men and women who work, drink, sleep, and work some more.”

- I really liked that opening description, sets the scene perfectly.

“It ain't worth eating.”

- This struck me as an odd thing to say. I mean, there are a million put-downs you could trot out to voice your distaste of a certain food but saying ”it ain’t worth eating” is just redundant. It’s like saying “That car ain’t worth driving” and so on. Maybe it’s meant to be, that’s the point. Seems a little silly though.

I’m enjoying Kyle’s talkativeness; clearly he’s over compensating for something. Perhaps it’s just as he says; the anticipation of asking his girl to marry him but something tells me there is more going on here. Reading on…

“he cleans the guy's clock”

- Ha, loved that phrase, never heard it before.

Yeah, I’m sensing there is definitely some ulterior motive to Kyle’s request of Cory but I can’t think what. Maybe Amy was the girl Cory mentioned having that didn’t work out. Perhaps he wronged her in some way and this is a revenge play by her and Kyle.  I do like the set up you’ve created here though. The dialogue is very natural too, good job on that.

KYLE
Come on, man, do me a favor.

- It’s not really a favour at this point since Cory is being paid for it. More a job

“Cory and Amy”

- “Cory” should be “Kyle’

AMY
Kyle?

- Wow, she really is expecting Kyle to come to the rescue. Obviously, my Amy revenge theory goes out the window

AMY
Jesus, get a grip.

- Fu?k, this woman is hardcore!

I’m not sure about the ending. It works in terms of being shocking and unexpected but doesn’t really fit in tonally with the rest of the script which had a light, amusing mood to it…and maybe this is your intention, to really pull the rug from under us. Plus, it does feed into the idea that Kyle is meek and subservient to Amy who clearly wears the pants in this relationship, having inherited them from NFL father.  That part is set up you but since we only meet Amy at the very end we don’t know anything about her until she suddenly pulls a gun and blasts Cory away. Its unprecedented and left me thinking WTF…and not necessarily in a good way.

I suppose it’s kind of funny in a shocking, brutal way but you can’t really blame Kyle for being stunned when the shooting does take place. I think anybody would. As a result, Amy’s unfazed reaction seems a bit much, contrived and unrealistic, like it was just in there to prove a point, exhibit her hardness while highlighting Kyle’s weakness. However, I think everybody will be siding with Kyle here and offering the advice that he should probably distance himself from this psycho would-be fiance ASAP!. Is that really the impression you want to leave the reader with, for me its misguided.

I mean, does Amy have to insist they leave the scene? I’m sure they will get off on self-defense, does she have to be that nihilistic and tough about it?  

How about before Kyle lands the pre-ordained punch on Cory, Amy steps in and dishes out a beating, busting out some martial arts or something, whatever you could have some fun with  it. Then they leave Cory in agony on the ground as she and the guilty, emasculated Kyle walk on. That way you still get the point of Kyle ineffectiveness across but no one gets killed. The way events transpire now it just feels too extreme and heavy going within the context of the piece. It leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and takes the fun out of it.

Other than that, I did enjoy the read and as I said, I thought the dialogue was its strongest element, particularly the dweeby, motor mouth Kyle who gave me a few laughs.

Col.

I agree with most of what Col wrote.

I enjoyed the read.

The problem I have with assessing Shorts as not knowing where the story is intended to go. Is Amy a cold blooded killer? If not, you can get to the same point (foiling Kyle's plot to be a hero) by having her pepper spray him, use a stun gun or something along those lines.