I'd like to read the new draft.
Let me know when it's up.

Cindy

Will do Cindy, still working on the re-write while at the same time trying to pump out my first feature screenplay, will hopefully finish the re-write tomorrow, I'll dedicate most of the day to that, should be able to get it done.

I see you already have two under your belt, have any tips? my creative side has no trouble writing scenes out, it's just my analytical side rips it apart after.  

Actually, I've written five feature scripts. Well, even that could be six because the rewrite on one changed the whole script... a lot.

You want tips. The best tip I could give is don't overwrite. Don't write big blocks of description. Leave a lot of white space on the paper. It makes it snappy and easier to read.

Oh, and one of my all-time worst pet peeves is don't give a character a page-long speech. Try to keep dialogue down to a maximum of four lines.
Remember one page is equal to one minute.
You don't want to watch a character talk for a minute, and it would probably give the actor a heart attach if they had to memorize a page of dialogue.  

Good luck,

Cindy

Andrew,

As others have mentioned the typos are numerous and distracting, This could make all the difference depending on who reads it.

I found the story emotional and powerful but confusing. I had to read your comments to work out what was going on. Another draft can easily sort all these problems out. This has a lot of potential to be a great low budget production.

-Mark

Thanks Mark

Yes I agree 100% that I have not done very well to tell the story fluently, but I have re-written and I believe it would be much better, I am just waiting for the 16th so I can submit it.

and thanks for the tips Cindy, right now I'm making sure my writing is lean and both action and dialogue aren't too large.

as for this re-write,

- I've changed the starting
- a few of Adrian's scenes are cut
- I also cut Jessie's and Steve's house scene.
- The clock times, which is probably what messed it all up are now completely out
- Spelling has been improved
- I tweaked the ending a touch

I feel the re-write is much better compared to the original, I'm pumped to submit it and get more great, constructive  comments on it.

Thanks again everyone.

Updates version is up.

Code A heart rate monitor gives off a slow but steady beep.

A heart rate monitor beeps slow and steady.

Code An old woman, MIRRA, lies on a hospital bed, her breath is slow, her eyes closed.

An old woman, MIRRA, her breathing irregular and eyes closed,
lies in bed.

In the above you use 'slow' to describe her breathing after also using the word to describe the heart rate monitor. You also don't need to mention that it is a hospital bed as the slug already informs us as to the location.

Try to keep your writing as active as possible, one way to do that is to avoid the word 'is'.

Code A hand comes to rest on her own, that hand belongs to JESSIE, her eyes are red and puffy from crying.

Jessie needs an age. I'm not overly fond of the intro, but I suppose it works.

Code Her eyes fall to the flow as a fresh set of sobs takes hold.

Her eyes fall to the flow?

Code Mirra opens her eyes, but not very much.

Weakly, Mirra half opens her eyes.

Try to write what is. You shouldn't really write what is, then place a but in there. Screenplay writing is about writing visuals. If you write that they open their eyes and then place a but after it, the reader must backtrack the image from fully open, to half open. Write what we see only.

Code Jessie looks up and smiles at her mother, tears roll down her face.

Why would Jessie look up if her Mother is below her in bed? Tears roll down whose face? It's unclear whether you mean the mother has started crying now too or Jessie has yet even more tears.

Code JESSIE Dad always used to sing that to us. MIRRA It was his favorite.

Unnatural dialogue. They would already know this information so why would they mention it to each other? This is deliberately spoon feeding information through dialogue, which is a no-no.

You need another rewrite.

Thanks for the tips Dustin and sorry about this late reply, I'll certainly improve the action and dialogue on the next re-write.

Andrew

“A old man”

- Should be “an”

“front of his shit.”

- Eek, that’s a misfortunate typo Should be “shirt”.

Jessie becomes “Jammie” on page 3.

There are a lot of typos and grammatical errors throughout the script, might be worth looking into that.

This seems like an interesting piece attempting to say something about second chances, diverging life paths and reconciliation but I never really got a firm grasp on what exactly you were trying to say.

We see Adrian alone in his house, effectively waiting to die so he can be reunited with his deceased wife. This is intertwined with what appears to be a completely unrelated situation of Mirra on her deathbed surrounded by family.

It’s then revealed that Adrian and Mirra once knew each other, shared a moment (as we see on the VHS) but I got the impression that’s all it was, both went their separate ways soon after since Adrian obviously isn't part of her family around her bed. Now, all these years later the supposedly expired Mirra appears at Adrian’s house where they reunite while morphing into their younger selves. It’s almost as if they are getting another go at being together.

There are numerous correlations between Mirra’s approaching death and Adrian in the house that suggests some kind of cosmic connection between both; the thudding and ruffling noises, the frequent time references to hint that both scenes are occurring simultaneously, the mysterious phone call which serves to wake Adrian up so he can be directed towards unearthing the VHS right at the moment Mirra dies. Is it a portal of some sort, facilitating Mirra’s reincarnation to Adrian’s doorstep?

It’s all kept rather vague and unexplained so I assume we are just supposed to go with it. Which I can appreciate but I would like to hear about your intentions with this.

Col.