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Hey Rend. For some reason typing 'Hey Rend' made me think of Stimpy saying 'Hey Ren' so I'm already off to a good start.
Typing as I read and breathing as I type - I always forget to do one of those.
The logline doesn't seem like a logline to me but my perk is interested.
The first slugline is a bit confusing. Is it a house, is it an office? Maybe they should fight it out? I take it you mean a Study? That's what we call it round my neck of the woods anyway.
I'm guessing early on that what Jack is typing is coming true. This doesn't spoil things for me, I'm just having a guess.
Hahah! Ken sticking the gun up Jack's nostril made me lol. As did Jack looking at his balls.
Yes I was right about Jack creating Ken via the power of his PC! *Pumps Fist In Air* I want a prize!
I like how Ken is complaining about how Jack has characterised him and Jack is trying to defend his decisions.
So I get to the end and I'm kinda enjoying what I'm reading and wanting more which is good but not feeling totally satisfied which isn't as good as kinda enjoying.
An authors words coming to life isn't exactly new but that isn't a problem. What itches me here we don't have any explanation for this miracle and Jack seems to accept it quite quickly.
There's good humour involved and loads of potential for fun but it's like you've popped the genie back in the bottle after the first wish. I guessed that Jack would write his way out of the situation and it seemed too convenient that Ken would also work this out and counter-write a solution.
I'm not sure what happened at the end, was that another character turning up?
Overall, very enjoyable. I just think there's more fun to be had and more scenarios you could slip in there all authors would identify with.
-Mark
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First - I quite liked this. Crisply written plus interesting story line. A couple of minor suggestions.
Twice in the first page you reference something that can be seen on the computer screen. Specifically:
Quoted Text
He stares at the screen, at the last words he’s written, as the cursor blinks back at him.
and
Quoted Text
His hand bumps the mouse. The computer screen wakes up to reveal the last words he typed.
The last words are never actually seen anywhere in the script so I could not figure out why is was important for us to know that Jack saw them. i.e., if the last words were - the doorbell rings.... or maybe the title of his/yours screenplay (Out of Character) than I get it. Anyway - I kept wanting to see what the last words he typed were and never did - would have liked to.
What you have is just fine - but a suggestion on the bathrrom scene. It was kind of a hiccup for me that Jack would take script pages into the head and that Ken would allow it. Here is an alternate thought.
Jack goes into the head with nothing. He uses soap and water to write on the mirror. Comes out - Ken's on the floor. As he stares at Ken - the writing on the mirror starts to fade - Ken comes back to life.
This one resembles Stranger Than Fiction but you surely know that.
Erm no. Don't know that one. So I looked it up. Ah, it stars Will Ferrell. I have been told about it though.
Back then I used to avoid Will Ferrell films almost as much as Adam Sandler's efforts. Now I don't think he's so bad. Ferrell, not Sandler. Let's not get silly. So I might watch it.
The rest of it I really liked. Ken is a funny character and the twists in it are very good.
Indeed they are. Glad you enjoyed it. The twists make Fight Club look like Coronation Street.
Now I'm off to watch the Muppets. I mean the actual muppets. I'm not going to a football match or anything. Insert the team of your choice in the previous sentence.
Ok, thanks, I got it - there's a Russian version of the song, I knew it since I was very young. And it's quite famous - thought it was that one when read about it here.
This one reminds me of an old twilight episode where an author created characters who came to life. It's not entirely like yours, but it did make for a good little tale.
You might consider ramping up this one by adding more characters. They would become like a bunch of actors on a set... 'my wardrobe is all wrong 'I can't say these lines 'I want to do the action scene 'If she gets naked, so do I
You can have them squabble like hens until the author does what.....
I want to know who was at the door and what happened, plz.
Oh dear, Tony. Really? I think that would be like explaining 2001: A Space Odyssey. Obviously not quite as grand, and there'd be a lot less mentions of obelisks and the like. Plus I've no monkeys to worry about. Not as far as I know.
But the principle's the same. You're supposed to get your own idea of who is at the door from what you got from the story. Or not, as the case maybe.
If I did say who was at the door I doubt it would help. Or make you think more of the story. Or me.
Then where would we be? A hole with no doors, or ladder. Or chips or snacks. Or tea. There's definitely no biscuits either. It would be like fish without chips. Salt without vinegar. Laurel without Hardy. Ant with no Dec. Skip that last one, I was getting carried away there.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Interesting story and concept. I liked it.
This is more like it. Please keep going...
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Like Dan though I think it could do with more... but then, perhaps, an ordinary viewer may not understand all of the jokes, so you're probably very close to perfect with this.
Ooh. Bloody hell. I was expecting a take down after the introductory compliment. Caught me unawares there. High praise indeed. Thanks.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Reminds me a little of a comedy version of The Dark Half by Stephen King. Perhaps reading that, or maybe even watching the film may give you some pointers on where else to take this -- if anywhere at all.
I don't know that one. I've read a lot of King. Looking at his bibiog... bilbiag... bibilloar.. erm, the amount of stuff he's done, I've probably only read half of it.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Nice job.
That's very kind indeed. After I'd written this I rented some DVDs of films with characters coming to life. None of them managed to make the story worthwhile, so I'm in two minds about extending this. We'll see.
Enjoyed the story. There are a few moments that defied belief... from my perspective. Some were mentioned by other reviewers, but one I noticed might be a regional/cultural nuance. When Ken shoots Jack, nobody called the police? Now, I am one of those Yanks that lives in a gun state with alot of former and current military folks in the neighborhood. Someone fires off a shot and people will check on their neighbors to see if they're alright... and they will be armed. In larger cities here, there are stories of people minding their own business to the point of not calling for the police when someone is being murdered, but that is not the norm. I just found it odd that a shot received no attention whatsoever.
Overall, it was well written and the characters were believable. Although the dialogue seemed slightly stilted toward the end, I enjoyed the story. However, I felt that the story was not over with the ringing of the doorbell. What other character came to life? Was a neighbor checking on him afterall? Is this a small portion of a feature-length script?
Hey Rend. For some reason typing 'Hey Rend' made me think of Stimpy saying 'Hey Ren' so I'm already off to a good start.
Sadly it doesn't work with for me with 'Hey Mark'. I think I might have uttered such when I looked at myself in the mirror after someone punched me.
Neighbours can be tetchy, can't they? Yes. No, not the ones on the telly. They're rubbish. Home And Away seems like The Godfather compared. Hmm, thinking about it, that's a bit of a stretch. Maybe Godfather 3.
I never watched them. Ren and Stimpy I mean. Not the frisky newlywed neighbours over the road. They keep shutting the curtains. Which is probably just as well for everyone.
The logline doesn't seem like a logline to me but my perk is interested.
Raising your perk was always an ambition. I mean that in a general sense, we won't be holding hands. Well, buy some flowers and chocolates and you never know your luck.
Anyways, regarding the logline, my work is done. Plus it saves me spoiling my plotting. And going to the trouble of writing of a proper one.
Writing them always feels like filling in a form for some organisation who cares not one jot if I live or die.
The first slugline is a bit confusing. Is it a house, is it an office?
Oh stop it Mark. It's not the fifties when everybody was in black and white and wore slippers and nobody swore. People often have offices in their houses these days. It's not like he's oiling up his jetpack, now is it?
Yes I was right about Jack creating Ken via the power of his PC! *Pumps Fist In Air* I want a prize!
It is a PC. He hates Apple as he knows iTunes is shite. I would mention child slaves digging out rare metals for them, but Jack said now is not the time or place. And let's face it, Windows ain't exactly flawless. I've got underpants that are far more reliable.
As for a prize I would send you a mug. But seeing as you've just read my script and picked up some cues I'll have to make it a couple of dog biscuits.
They're in the post. You may not think this much. My dog Elvis would beg to differ. He won't even look at me at the moment. Soon I'm fully expecting him to do that dog thing where he sits down, then drags himself forward with his front legs. I note to do this he always picks the light coloured carpet. At least it used to be.
I like how Ken is complaining about how Jack has characterised him and Jack is trying to defend his decisions.
So do I. This is great, do keep going. Elvis will be even more upset about losing more of his biscuits at this rate. Obviously not the dead singer, I'm talking about the real thing, who is currently licking at something I wish I could. I should point out I mean mine, not his. He'll let me do that no problem, as long as I give him a biscuit.
Let's just make this perfectly clear we don't lick each other. Well, sometimes he licks my face, whether I like it or not. There, I'm glad I've cleared that up.
So I get to the end and I'm kinda enjoying what I'm reading and wanting more which is good but not feeling totally satisfied which isn't as good as kinda enjoying.
An authors words coming to life isn't exactly new but that isn't a problem. What itches me here we don't have any explanation for this miracle and Jack seems to accept it quite quickly.
As I explain to all my women, an explanation wouldn't really help. I suspect if you got one you'd be disappointed. Much like all my women. I know this because I read their social media accounts. And the solicitors letters they keep sending.
There's good humour involved and loads of potential for fun but it's like you've popped the genie back in the bottle after the first wish. I guessed that Jack would write his way out of the situation and it seemed too convenient that Ken would also work this out and counter-write a solution.
Ooh I don't know. I think it works as it is. I've played about with it and lengthened it, my script I mean, I wasn't talking about anything else there. Anyways, it's present form is what I think is the best. So I've stopped taking the pills. I don't they work anyway.
Overall, very enjoyable. I just think there's more fun to be had and more scenarios you could slip in there all authors would identify with.
-Mark
Perhaps. Many thanks, Mark. Enjoy the biscuits. Now I have to walk Elvis, before he decides to 'ruffle' my carpet. Reminds me, I must buy some cleaning products.
First - I quite liked this. Crisply written plus interesting story line.
Many thanks, Eldave1. You're off to a grand start there. I do hope you keep it up. I often have trouble doing that. No. Dirty, I didn't mean that. I meant when I'm writing comments on scripts. Nothing else, ever. Not even when I'm drunk.
Twice in the first page you reference something that can be seen on the computer screen. Specifically:
"He stares at the screen, at the last words he’s written, as the cursor blinks back at him."
and
"His hand bumps the mouse. The computer screen wakes up to reveal the last words he typed."
The last words are never actually seen anywhere in the script so I could not figure out why is was important for us to know that Jack saw them. i.e., if the last words were - the doorbell rings.... or maybe the title of his/yours screenplay (Out of Character) than I get it. Anyway - I kept wanting to see what the last words he typed were and never did - would have liked to.
Well, that's not too harsh. I'll still be able to walk fine in the morning.
Not sure why you think you didn't see the last words he typed. I'd thought I'd made it clear enough. Hang on, I'm gonna read the start of the script as it's been a while. Back soon...
Yeah. I can't see how you missed that. I might have been being a bit too subtle. But it wasn't that subtle. Not considering half the weird nonsense I usually type.
I'm wary about over directing a script. The fact is writers do this anyway in actions lines. Whatever you decide to put in the action lines is what we'll see on screen.
Regarding your example, 'The doorbell rings.' This phrase is obviously important to the script. Jack types it early on the first page. Your first quote comes immediately after this, thus enforcing the line.
The second quote is another reminder of the first. I thought showing 'The doorbell rings ' again on screen would have been overegging it.
As I say to all my women ' You can't please everybody all the time.' Recently, one of them replied 'Perhaps, but you could try and please me once before you run away quickly with your trousers in your hand.'
What you have is just fine - but a suggestion on the bathrrom scene. It was kind of a hiccup for me that Jack would take script pages into the head and that Ken would allow it. Here is an alternate thought.
Jack goes into the head with nothing. He uses soap and water to write on the mirror. Comes out - Ken's on the floor. As he stares at Ken - the writing on the mirror starts to fade - Ken comes back to life.
Hmm, I dunno about that. It's not as if Ken is as sharp as my fashion style. Or haircut. I take the point, but I think if two actors playing Ken and Jack were any good, they could easily make the scene work well. The other thing this is a comedy, so it is supposed to be a little silly.
My other thoughts on it is there's something magic about the actual words on paper. This being the case he should probably print out the pages before Ken arrives.
Hmm, I may have just talked myself into a corner there. Wouldn't be the first time. I did it last week after the pub. It's amazing how difficult corners can be to get out of when you've had a few. I was there for hours.
I liked this, easy to visualise, great tone and pace to it...
I have no issues with the ambiguous ending, but I'm English, I think we cope with such things better
Potentials twist idea, take it ot leave it dead at the side of the road as you see fit... maybe he could come out of the bathroom to find his antagonist writing the author out of the story... and they then wrestle over the keyboard...
- A nitpicky thing but was this lamp meant to be in the previous scene? I only ask because it wasn't stated before now so I got the impression that it had just appeared. Especially since you refer to it as “a” not “the”. It just feels odd that you would only mention it now, like it carries some significance...and I promise that’s it for talk about the lamp, moving on.
“Just before he turns it on the doorbell rings again.
He turns with puzzlement to the front door.”
- Did he not hear it the first time? Isn't that what woke him up?
“He sticks the barrel right up one of Jack’s nostrils”
- Ha, nice move.
“Jack backs into the room still with his hands in the air and Ken’s gun up his nose.”
- Again, cool and amusing visual here with gun in nostril.
KEN You put your house in the script, had me, the bad guy, your antagonist, turn up. So, here I am. To antagonise.
- I'm a sucker for meta fiction and films about film making but they are very common. We've seen this conceit done many times before so I'm hoping you bring something fresh to it...reading on...
“Ken reaches into his pocket, pulls out a handkerchief.”
- Nice. Only a film character would carry a handkerchief
KEN And I ain’t too happy with the way I look, Jackie boy. Look at me... the hair, the waistline. These horrible shoes. And what is it with that tin-can of a car
- A small thing but Ken has just listed the things he is ok with concerning his character so shouldn't this line start with "I" not "and"? I’m assuming the different spellings of "Jacky/Jackie" is intentional, that would just be you being you, right
KEN Could’ve been worse. Could have been Top Gun. So why’ve I got a got a mouthful of broken gravestones?
- I wonder could you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun at which to poke fun? It’s too easy. Tony Scott has made a few other candidates ripe for such cheap shots.
“I wonder you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun to poke fun at? Tony Scott made many candidates ripe for cheap shots.”
- This is cool direction to take it. You could have some funny visual touches here with Ken changing before our eyes as Jack types. I get why you kept it off screen too though.
Unfortunately, Jack's script is going to get seriously bogged down in character description by the sounds of it. It would get torn apart on the boards here
“as he whispers in Jack’s ear”
- Just curious but why is Ken whispering?
JACK Hmm, I’m not sure it’d fit.
- An unexpected and welcome moment of bravado from Jack who’s been dominated by Ken this far.
“Ken puts his hand out to stop him. Gestures to the pages with the gun.”
JACK It might take a little time.
LIVING ROOM
"Ken hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door."
KEN What are you doing with those?
JACK I’m just gonna go through them as I... you know. Helps me go.
- I'm confused about the above part. Jack grabs the pages on his way to the bathroom and Ken calls him on it to which Jack says it’s (the sh?t) going to take some time. I assumed he means he’ll have something to read when on the bog, don’t we all...and it seemed as if Ken took is word on that too.
However, in the next scene you have Ken hurrying across the living room towards the bathroom, opening the door without a knock and essentially asking Jack the same question (though verbally this time, not with the gun) as to what he is doing with the pages to which Jack goes on to explain again. Why? Wasn't this established in the office as Jack was leaving when he grabbed the pages?
It doesn't make sense.
Also, why didn’t Jack lock the door given what he was up to?
Unfortunately my trouble with that moment effected my enjoyment of the last page a little bit. When Jack started to change the script with the eyebrow pencil I feared it was going to end with Ken being foiled in the most obvious of ways. Especially since Ken had been suspicious of Jack’s motives for bringing the pages into the bathroom in the first place, it would just seem a bit lame for him to be undone by such a predictable plan.
However, to your credit you flipped things nicely with the twist of having Ken doing some writing of his own which set up that classic presumed-dead-antagonist-reaching-for-the-gun-behind-the-unbeknownst-protagonist’s-back. Playing with that cliché was purely intentional I presume and it worked well.
I did wonder though as to when Ken could’ve made this change to the script. Was it while he was in the throes of his heart attack? I mean, how else would’ve known how Jack was going to kill him off? Yes, he was clearly suspicious of him bringing the pages into the bathroom and acted on it but Jack could’ve killed him off in any number of ways which could’ve negated his rewrite.
You have two versions of the script in that last scene; Jack’s version where Ken dies of a heart attack and Ken’s version where he is ok one minute after being “improved” in every way then suddenly he’s “on the floor, apparently dead” before his “hand reaches for the gun”. In other words, there are some serious continuity issues with Ken’s version. Obviously, he’s not a writer
Also, who could that be knocking on the door? It’s not said that it was written into the script as it was at the beginning. Granted a lot of writing as been done by Jack with Ken peering over his shoulder but we are not told anything specific about it. On that note, I wanted to know more about the actual script Jack was writing even if it was just the broad strokes, as if he’s writing an outline or something.
I mean, the ringing doorbell makes for a neat bookend with both Jack and Ken locked in a fight but it doesn’t make much logical sense as far as I can tell, even within the skewed world of the script.
Anyway, inconsistencies aside (although I know I’m being too fussy and literal about them) this had some clever moments.
Mmm, still got nothing. Who was at the door and what happened when anyone else read it?
I often say 'I still got nothing'. But it's usually in the pub when I fail to retort in time to a witticism aimed at my character. The speedy barstards.
When I read it Dr Phil came on the television. I mean his programme did. He didn't get overexcited or anything. At least I hope not. It was a head and shoulders shot. The camera, I mean. Better leave that there.
Some were mentioned by other reviewers, but one I noticed might be a regional/cultural nuance. When Ken shoots Jack, nobody called the police?
That's right, Ian. Nobody called the police. I'll go into why later as I sense you've got more to say about this. I say 'sense', like I'm some great mind reader, when all I did was read on a bit further then back up. Sometimes I can't look at myself in the mirror. But I soon get over it.
On this point I have to say to the people of the UK: you have our sincere commiserations. For the next five years at least. You are all in our thougths at this darkest of times. Still, at least Nigel Farage didn't get in. And Clegg's gone. Not so bad, eh? Well, obviously you'll be living in hell for another five years. Sorry about that. It wasn't my fault.
In larger cities here, there are stories of people minding their own business to the point of not calling for the police when someone is being murdered, but that is not the norm. I just found it odd that a shot received no attention whatsoever.
It is a film, Ian. Not a documentary. It wouldn't have suited the story.
I can see what you're saying about your own experiences. Sounds a bit like an old cowboy film. Without the horses. And with better roads, and plumbing. And without the hats. The women would dress a bit different too. Not to mention the men. Hang on, it's not really like an old cowboy film at all. I see now I didn't think through too well. Actually, I didn't think it though at all. Hmmm. Moving on...
But this is set in England. Alright, it's not PG Wodehouse's England, but it isn't round your way either. Most people in the area wouldn't even realise it was a gunshot. Most people would be getting on with their lives rather than standing by the phone with the cops on speed dial in case of a lone shot ringing out.
I doubt most people in England would know what a real gunshot sounds like. So they wouldn't recognise it even if they heard it.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Like a fat man's shirt on a hot day.
Although the dialogue seemed slightly stilted toward the end,
Oh dear. And you were doing so well. I'm putting the biscuits away now. Shame, I was looking forward to another couple of custard creams. Oh well, to make up for it I'll read some praise I got earlier whilst having some cake. There's absolutely no one who can stop me.
I enjoyed the story. However, I felt that the story was not over with the ringing of the doorbell. What other character came to life? Was a neighbor checking on him afterall? Is this a small portion of a feature-length script?
I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's the way it is as I wanted to keep it to just two characters. I was also going to film it for a festival. But that didn't work out. I revamped it somewhat and here it is. I kinda like it as it is now.
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