Geneva County by Chris Shamburger  - Short, Horror - A haunted hay ride proves terrifyingly real for a group of college friends when a masked killer begins offing them on Halloween night. 7 pages - pdf, format

Hi there,
     This doesn't have any reads yet, so, I decided to give it a go.

Wow, I'm pleasantly surprised.  It's pretty good.  I liked it all the way to not stop or make any comments.  So, that's a good thing.

It flows easily, it's fast to read, I wasn't lost at all.  I'm gonna give it a second go.  Oh, and I LOVED the ending.  It was awesome.

SPOILERS

The only thing that wonder is why didn't Amy know any of this?  I mean, why was she so clueless?  If it's done every year, and I'm assuming this is a test run, I think we need to know why she wasn't "in the know" or was she the guinea pig?

Much closer second run through:

I think you can combine a few sentences here and there to add to the thrill.  Like:  Amy runs to the fence.  She hops over it, climbs up the embankment to the dirt road that running parallel with the fence.

I think u can combine all that to:    Amy runs to the fence, quickly scales it, then climbs up the embankment to the dirt road that runs parallel to the fence.  IMO, that sounds smoother.

You might want to give a quick rundown of what all the dead people look like.  I get they are all young, but, are they white, black, blue, heavy, thin, metal heads, gang bangers etc.

Also, we certainly need to know what Amy looks like.

When she pulls out the haunted hayride, I would think she has some sort of reaction here, like a scoff or something.  I know I did.

On page 2, when she can't figure out how to lock the door, I'd play that up.  The clown tries to enter, bangs on the door etc.  You can really ramp up the anxiety level here.

When she runs away from the door, she can see the clown, but, he can't see her, why not?

When Amy finds out it's Sterling, wouldn't she say something?  Anything like he tried to kill her?  She still thinks it's real.  Oh, and where is his wound?  I can't seem to exactly see it, and/or what do they suspect was the cause of the wound?

You have a nice little piece here.  I think it's pretty good.  Make some changes, tighten it up a bit, perhaps watch April Fools day (that is similar to this) and I could see this easily being filmed, or even turned into a full-length movie.

Good luck, I'd be happy to read a rewrite of it.  

Hey guys, read this script, it's not bad!!

Dan

I can't believe I'm doing this, but, I'm shamelessly putting this on top.  Guys, this is pretty good.  I suggest reading it.  I think most will find this a fun read!

Kinda disappointed that the writer hasn't shown up here yet.  

Dan

Chris,

"The clown enters in a flash of lightning." I suggest changing this line for clarity purposes.

"The color drains from Amy’s face." - "Amy turns. Whatever color remained in her face vanishes completely when she sees --" - Same here.

BETH --
standing in front of her, very much alive.

BETH
What did you do!?

Beth needs a wee bit more introduction. Age?

"Beth removes the mask. Tosses it. Reveals the youthful face
of their friend, STERLING. The back of his head gushes blood." - There is no reveal here, the camera and audience can't see this.

"Amy blinks the shock from her eyes." - I tried this, it doesn't work

Ending was different. You later conveyed a mystery/prank by telling about it. I would think of a re-write and some way to keep that going more.

Otherwise, Interesting idea.

GL,

Tony

Chris,

Some comments come back to haunt.  Feel free to ignore these.

OK, I get the set up.  Girl is escaping something.  We don't know what, and it doesn't matter.  She reaches what she thinks is saftey only to discover her friends have been brutally murdered.  Only they haven't.  it's all an elaborate setup that will lead to a film they can enter in a contest.  Works for me.  A knit occurs when you have Beth pinned on the barn wall but unable to see Sterling's killer.  Also, while the girl can see Sterling's shoes from under the trailer, she can't see the killer's shoes?  Obviously, the killer had to be within striking distance which would mean she could see them.  Those are nits.

This works for me on a lot of levels.  The girl does what she should do, run and search for a better shelter or way out.  I buy it.  I buy the reveal, that it's all a setup.  I even buy the reversal.  There really is a clown killer on the loose.  I think Beth asks what happened too many times.  Especially since she was there.  After all, the girl would probably accuse Beth of being the killer, right?  or Mason or Robert?  In any case, nice job.

Best
Richard

Wow, I see 2 others read this script.

RichardR is exactly correct.  That was part of the tightening it up.  And it does have a few good twists.

You are right about the second set of boots.  Why doesn't she see them?  And he's right about why Beth didn't see anything.  I mean, she's got a front row view to it.

While on that note, the body falling out of the car would probably move to protect his face.  You might want to have her push him to the side, or he falls out from the car and puts his hands somehow to protect his face.

I'm glad that it got 2 other reads.  It was pretty good.

I'm a bit disappointed that the writer hasn't showed up yet and commented on the piece.

Dan

Hey guys!

First, thank you, Dan, for your initial comment, as well as thinking my script deserved the bump. I'm really grateful.

I apologize for the delay in getting around to replying. I've actually been a member of SimplyScripts since 2005, but life is a crazy, busy thing, so I don't get to post as often as I'd like.

Secondly, this is actually in the (very) early stages of pre-production. Adam Gambrel, the director of The Doll (script here, IMDb here) will be bringing this one to life. That's why all of this feedback is so important. It will definitely help in creating the best film possible. I'm really thankful for the comments I've received so far.

I agree with several of the criticisms that have been brought up. Some sentences definitely need rewording and/or rearranged.

The character introductions are underwhelming for sure, so I'll try to find a way to give them some spice.

I agree that Beth needs to be positioned so that she can't see anything going on; I imagined her head bowed down with her hair in front of her face, but I didn't write that in, and I should have.

The actual killer not being seen by Amy is up to debate -- in my head, the real killer was actually standing on the trailer, so of course Amy isn't going to see his boots. Perhaps I can include a loud THUMP somewhere, indicating the real killer jumping onto the trailer from the rafters above.

I liked the idea of Amy being able to accuse the others of doing it. The only thing that keeps me from possibly incorporating that is the reality of what's going on. Amy is just now recovering from thinking her friends are dead, finding out the "killer" is actually another friend who is now on the brink of death, and she's being accused of doing it. I don't think Amy's rationale would be to immediately put the blame on everyone else. To me, she's still absorbing what is actually going on. Now, if I were to expand this into a feature (which is always in the cards), I might be able to pull it off with more time and pages to work with.

I imagined Amy being new to the town, so that's why she wouldn't know about the haunted hay ride and contests. I might be able to squeeze in a line of dialogue hinting at that.

Hopefully I covered the more prominent criticisms. Thank you all for reading!

Chris

I read it last night before I went to bed... I don't think you need to bother with character descriptions if this is being made. Likewise the exact positioning of feet as that will be figured out when it's storyboarded.

As for the story, I wish I had some criticisms for you... but the story works for me. Not much else I can say.

Works for me too, Chris. A solid horror, and congrats with already having this one in pre-production.

I have no quibbles over the killer's feet - this is horror, some things can't be explained. Murdering rampaging killers often drop from ceilings or miraculously materialize or likewise vanish into thin air. Re Amy being new to town I don't think you need to call in a lot of exposition about this, it was kinda obvious to me that at the very least she's unfamiliar with the haunted hay ride - the flyer (which is a great image btw) and Beth's dialogue about the cameras is plenty.

The only thing I do suggest is that you find a title a bit more reflective of the horror that is about to unfold. Loved Beth’s entrails hang over her shoulders like a macabre feather boa.

Great stuff.

Hey Chris,

Writing notes as I'm reading and before I've read other comments.

Geneva County doesn't sound like a horror or something which compels me to read further but the logline does accomplish both.

'Grains and weeds reach for the sky.' - a simply and very effective way to describe the field.

You get straight in with the action which is the right choice for such a short. It's exciting and very easy to read. At first I thought this was going to be a standard hack-n-slash scene rather than a story but the double-twist is a good one. I'm not sure it quite works yet as I can't see how the mysterious killer could have killed Sterling right in front of everyone and not only did no-one see anything but they think Amy did it. Maybe he could use a crossbow or something and kill him at a distance?

The prank itself seems a bit over the top but then again I've seen some really elaborate pranks on Youtube so maybe not.

This is really good, you fit a lot of story and action into a short space of time. I think it just needs a bit of work but quite impressive! This certainly could be the opening scene of a feature.

Just to go back to my first point though, now that I've read it the title doesn't really reflect the story at all.

-Mark

Chris,
    I don't know how involved you will be in the production aspect of the film, but, leaving everyone basic might be the best way to go.  In other words, if you have Beth pictured in your head Black, early 20's, slick, then, bad attitude, but, the director has Beth- Chinese, early 20's, medium build etc, well, it doesn't matter what you say.  The director chose his Beth.

So, you might have to defer to the director.  I know when I shot my movie for my thesis, I didn't even have a description b/c I didn't know what actor was gonna get what part, depending on auditions.  

Also, paying for actors leads to a lot more possibilities.  Or offering them school credit is a good way too.

Like I said, tie up the beginning a bit, make sure it is smooth.  I know I plan to submit this to Janet for front page once you upload a newer version.  It isn't ready for primetime just yet, but, it's pretty close.

I agree with what everyone has said.  I think the advice on here is pretty good.  Mark had some good points too.  

I know that I can't wait for you to upload a new version of this so I can send it off to Janet.

good luck
Dan

Dustin, LC, Mark, and Dan,

Just realized I never got back to you guys. Thank you for checking this out. Your comments are valuable to me.

I might go back and add just a little bit to the character descriptions, but not enough to prevent the director from casting talented people who can play the part versus untalented people who just look it.

The title is something that would be very hard for me to change. I have always wanted to write a script with the title Geneva County. Seriously. I've had it in my head since 2003 when I was living in Alabama.

When I came up with the idea for this script, I saw an opportunity to use that county name as a piece of the story, and when it came time to title this script, that's the first thing that came to my head.

One of the things I do like about the title is the opportunity to turn it into a franchise of stories that take place in the same area with different people living different lives. What if this is just one of the scary stories coming out of this area? What if Geneva County 2 is about werewolves? Ghosts? Zombies? What if Amy is the stock first victim of a family of vampires in the sequel? The possibilities are endless.

Thanks again for the feedback!

Chris

Chris

This was a fun read and I liked how you plunged us straight into it.

On the flip side though, it made me curious to know how the prank began, why they were out in this remote farmhouse in the first place but I get you wanted to hit the ground running.

I wondered why Amy went into the barn once the clown had gone into the farmhouse...other than the possibility that you were playing with the horror trope of protagonists making stupid decisions in the situations like this. She shouldn't sought to get as far away from the pitchfork toting circus employee as possible!

My biggest issue however was the killing of Sterling. We know that Amy didn't shoot him yet Beth seems convinced she did even though she would've had a good view of things from where she was placed. The suggestion is that it was the real killer outside the barn, perhaps he shot him through the window or something but we get no indication of this or how that could even have happened without Beth noticing or even Mason and Robert who would've been on their way in from outside.

Col.