SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 27th, 2021, 9:02am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The scripts of the November OWC are up!


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Disassociation Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Disassociation  (currently 7195 views)
Don
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 8:47am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15009
Posts Per Day
1.97
Disassociation by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A family man learns why it's wrong to bully people on the internet. 8 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 10:32am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Posts
810
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hi ya Dustin,

Great writing in this, I really liked the opening. The note was a good icebreaker to get things started.

The story relied more on its message than characters, which is okay, but in the context of a thriller it needed more setup to deliver on Sergei's character. It's hard to buy into his thirst for power when we've only seen him in a submissive role. You might be able to get his motives across without the setup. Just a suggestion -

You handled his wife's reaction quite well, but when she started turning against him, I thought to myself - it would be a good time to show us what makes Sergei tick. Why not use the same tactics he used on Vincent's son to free him from this situation? I say him because if Sergei did it for his family, the selfless act (if you call it that) wouldn't justify the end.

Overall, great writing with a promising story. The asides never came across bitter or self aware.

Johnny
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 67
SteveClark
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Can I graduate?

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
2688
Posts Per Day
0.83
Dustin,

Good story. Very dark in tone, I find this one of those stories a writer feels he needs to tell. No glossing over things, beating around the bush. Unapologetic.

But I wonder what was Sergei (married, right?) doing on the Internet in the first place, on a suicide prevention website, bullying people. Seems like it would make more sense if Sergei was a teenager. You hear about most of these kinds of things happening with younger people. Was there a rationale behind your choice?

Spoilers...

Blindfolding the kid was a good touch. As if there wasn't enough tension already. But I kinda knew either Sergei or Vincent was gonna get it in that room. Offing the kid would've just been so morbid. But still, it could have went anywhere. But the way you took it makes sense and works well. Good job, mate.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 67
DS
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.13
Hey Dustin, glad to see another short of yours up.

I think this would be a great short thriller on the screen. I was pretty sure with whose death this was going to end at about half of the short and figured that the scenario/ending would be a pretty repetitive twist, but that extra ending scene was a pleasant surprise and made it a whole lot deeper than an usual similar revenge short. Everything in between captured my attention throughout well. Good dialogue, good tension, good message. I liked it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 67
TonyDionisio
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
New York
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.26
Well written,

As reading the exchange between hostage and prisoners I thought to myself what a great idea to have the hostage taker commit suicide in front of the prisoners to leave them with a lifetime of agony. And then there it was, you did it!

I think subliminally I arrived there because your hostage taker was not brutal enough. Not mean enough. I personally would have ended it at the reveal.Anyways, gj on the wrirting.

Tony
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 67
DanC
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.46
Hi Dustin,
    I'm reading your script right now.  I will post things as I see them.

Wow, that was really good.  It was exciting and well thought out.  I was at the edge of my seat.  Well done.  

I just wish one thing, I wish we knew more of the conversation he had with the suicidal kid, what made him say well done, you win.  The Well Done seems very interesting and we didn't get to know that.

Otherwise. great job!!

If you do a rewrite, I'd read it again
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 67
spesh2k
Posted: May 3rd, 2015, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Harlem USA
Posts
1184
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hey Dustin,

I really enjoyed this one. I'm drawn to darker material and this was indeed dark. I thought the characters, particularly their arcs, were very strong and well thought out, especially Sergei's arc.

The writing was good overall, though two things caught my eye (and I'm just nitpicking):

Page 1, opening paragraph --

On the bed, eyes red from hours of crying, SERGEI GORELEV (25), writes a letter.

Could have been worded differently, read a bit off to me --

On the bed --

SERGEI GORELEV (25), eyes red from hours of crying, writes a letter.


Don't necessarily have to say On the bed with a double-dash then start a new paragraph. Maybe --

SERGEI GORELEV (25) sits at the edge of his bed, eyes red from hours of crying, and writes a letter.

The other thing that caught my eye was an aside on page 3:

Sergei looks at Michaela, ’Hey, it’s me, your lover, the man you’ve known for ten years’.

I don't mind asides much, but this seemed a bit long-winded. And though it provides the reader with information (I suppose they've been together for 10 years), it doesn't provide the viewing audience with any information because they never see this and they never learn that they've been together for that exact amount of time. We get that they're husband and wife. Just a simple:

Sergei looks at Michaela, desperation in his eyes -- "Honey, it's me". Or something like that. Again, I'm nitpicking.

Everything else was very strong. Just one suggestion, though. I'd begin the story with a VO so that the VO later doesn't seem like it's coming out of nowhere.

It may be considered redundant, but I feel that it would play strong on screen if you accompanied the letter with a V.O., as he was writing.

Also, is this V.O. a continuation of the letter from the beginning? If so, who exactly is he leaving the letter for? It kind of just sounds like he's providing the audience with information, how everything went down after Vincent killed himself in front of him.

Overall, nice work, Dustin.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 67
Dustin
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 3:13pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5128
Posts Per Day
1.68

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Hi ya Dustin,

The story relied more on its message than characters, which is okay, but in the context of a thriller it needed more setup to deliver on Sergei's character. It's hard to buy into his thirst for power when we've only seen him in a submissive role. You might be able to get his motives across without the setup. Just a suggestion -

You handled his wife's reaction quite well, but when she started turning against him, I thought to myself - it would be a good time to show us what makes Sergei tick. Why not use the same tactics he used on Vincent's son to free him from this situation? I say him because if Sergei did it for his family, the selfless act (if you call it that) wouldn't justify the end.

Overall, great writing with a promising story. The asides never came across bitter or self aware.

Johnny


Hi mate... yes, I think there is a perfect moment to show his bad side. I just have to tread carefully... because people's attitudes change depending on the environment. A guy that bullies everyone in one place could move to another place and be bullied themselves. People have many faces. In a submissive situation, with your family at threat, you're not going to want to antagonise. I'll think about it.

Thanks for the read mate.




Quoted from SteveClark
Dustin,

Good story. Very dark in tone, I find this one of those stories a writer feels he needs to tell. No glossing over things, beating around the bush. Unapologetic.

But I wonder what was Sergei (married, right?) doing on the Internet in the first place, on a suicide prevention website, bullying people. Seems like it would make more sense if Sergei was a teenager. You hear about most of these kinds of things happening with younger people. Was there a rationale behind your choice?


Yes, I wanted him to have a young family and I think you'd be surprised at the age of some trolls on the internet.


Quoted Text
Spoilers...

Blindfolding the kid was a good touch. As if there wasn't enough tension already. But I kinda knew either Sergei or Vincent was gonna get it in that room. Offing the kid would've just been so morbid. But still, it could have went anywhere. But the way you took it makes sense and works well. Good job, mate.

Steve


Yeah, I wanted to hint at somebody getting it... but who? Cheers for the read and review, mate.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 67
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3839
Posts Per Day
1.31
Another great short Dustin, dark and gritty, felt real.

There was one thing that took me out of it a little... Sergei Gorelev... I immeadiately thought we were in Russia, but then the other character names didn't necessarily seem consistent with that... not sure if him being Russian matters?

Anthony  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 67
RichardR
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 7:56pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
899
Posts Per Day
0.35
Dustin,

Comments can prove deadly. Read with a jaundiced eye.

First, you've done a good job, but comments should help make it better. Here we go.

Opening.  I am no expert on suicide notes, but I don't know why he needs to tell his name. They will find his body, and the landlord knows his name, so the introduction is for the audience and necessary?  I would buy a note addressed to miahaela or Darius or even 'to whom it may concern'.   This is a nit.  It's me.

You do a great job of juxtapositioning Vincent and Sergei.  We think Vincent is the antagonist when he's really the protagonist.  Wonderful. But take a look at the attributes of your combatants. You make Sergei weak and Vincent strong. For drama, reverse the power. The protagonist is the weaker. How?  Think of Sergei as a psychopath?  When confronted what does he do?  It's in the playbook.  Deny, deny deny.  He was never online.  The userid isn't his.  Make Vincent break down every issue.  Vincent grows. Sergei shrinks.   Give Vincent a worthy foe.

Of course, if you make Sergei stronger, then his suicide becomes more problematic.  

Vincent's suicide is well done, complete with blindfolding the boy. Good job. I'm not sure I buy michaela's response.  She doesn't know he's a psychopath ?  

Overall, this is good work if you can make things harder for you protagonist, you'll have a nice reversal.  The audience will wonder how they got fooled.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 67
DanC
Posted: May 4th, 2015, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.46

Quoted from RichardR
Dustin,

Comments can prove deadly. Read with a jaundiced eye.

First, you've done a good job, but comments should help make it better. Here we go.

Opening.  I am no expert on suicide notes, but I don't know why he needs to tell his name. They will find his body, and the landlord knows his name, so the introduction is for the audience and necessary?  I would buy a note addressed to miahaela or Darius or even 'to whom it may concern'.   This is a nit.  It's me.

You do a great job of juxtapositioning Vincent and Sergei.  We think Vincent is the antagonist when he's really the protagonist.  Wonderful. But take a look at the attributes of your combatants. You make Sergei weak and Vincent strong. For drama, reverse the power. The protagonist is the weaker. How?  Think of Sergei as a psychopath?  When confronted what does he do?  It's in the playbook.  Deny, deny deny.  He was never online.  The userid isn't his.  Make Vincent break down every issue.  Vincent grows. Sergei shrinks.   Give Vincent a worthy foe.

Of course, if you make Sergei stronger, then his suicide becomes more problematic.  

Vincent's suicide is well done, complete with blindfolding the boy. Good job. I'm not sure I buy michaela's response.  She doesn't know he's a psychopath ?  

Overall, this is good work if you can make things harder for you protagonist, you'll have a nice reversal.  The audience will wonder how they got fooled.

Best
Richard


This is some great advice.  I do think it's better if Vincent breaks down all of the avoidance that Sergei would have.

You had said how could the wife not know he's a psychopath?  I can tell you from experience that the family members are the last to know.  The guy always has a reason for being away to do his dastardly deeds.  I've seen it happen 3 times in Buffalo alone, and the wife was shellshocked all 3 times.  And I've seen it online a few times too.  

Once the shoe falls, the wife realizes all the times he was gone, but, until then, they are clueless.  Heck, even pedophile people find ways to hide it from the family until caught.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 67
Dustin
Posted: May 7th, 2015, 1:59am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5128
Posts Per Day
1.68

Quoted from DS
Hey Dustin, glad to see another short of yours up.

I think this would be a great short thriller on the screen. I was pretty sure with whose death this was going to end at about half of the short and figured that the scenario/ending would be a pretty repetitive twist, but that extra ending scene was a pleasant surprise and made it a whole lot deeper than an usual similar revenge short. Everything in between captured my attention throughout well. Good dialogue, good tension, good message. I liked it.


Yeah, I was a little worried about the repetition of the two suicides. In the original draft, both shot themselves in the head. The repetitiveness made me switch the final suicide up for a hanging.

Thanks for the read, mate.


Quoted from TonyDionisio
Well written,

As reading the exchange between hostage and prisoners I thought to myself what a great idea to have the hostage taker commit suicide in front of the prisoners to leave them with a lifetime of agony. And then there it was, you did it!

I think subliminally I arrived there because your hostage taker was not brutal enough. Not mean enough. I personally would have ended it at the reveal.Anyways, gj on the wrirting.

Tony



I considered leaving it at the reveal, but it wasn't obvious what Sergei would do, or, if he would even care, so I added the final scene. Thanks for the read and review mate.

This one is a popular short. There are three parties interested in making it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 67
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 7th, 2015, 2:14am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
3839
Posts Per Day
1.31
Congrats Dustin, fingers crossed!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 67
TonyDionisio
Posted: May 7th, 2015, 7:51am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
New York
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.26
Grats Dustin,

Can't wait to see the outcome of what someone can do with an intense scene such as this. I envision just a facial close up of a messed up dude, perhaps with blood splatter. The look could tell it all that he couldn't live with himself.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 67
DanC
Posted: May 7th, 2015, 11:04am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.46
Dustin
   That's awesome news.  I know that I recommended it for STS with Janet.  It's that good.  Congrats bud.  You deserve it.  It's a fantastic script!


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 67
 Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006